Does he want me back? AKA Head games

[Ilovecake]

Just an observation:

 

I see a lot of folks on here trying to decipher every little thing the ex says and does to see if they want to get back together. I’m seeing dozens of threads trying to nitpick every word and action, asking “does he/she want me back because they said or did this or that”. This is probably the number one question asked on this forum.

 

I was really thinking about this a lot and here is my question.

 

If they were straightforward and blunt enough to break up with us why would they be cryptic about wanting to reconnect? Isn’t it just a waste of time and energy trying to interpret every word and action looking for hidden messages? Are people just so desperate to salvage the relationship that they can’t see what’s right in front of them?

 

P.S. I'm not knocking anyone down for thinking like that because I did this for months just like most other people here. It just hit me one day that I was looking for something that wasn't there.

[leap83]

Well, some people nitpick because they want to salvage the relationship. Others nitpick because their ex is ACTUALLY playing head games and was playing games even when they were breaking up (aka they never said "I want to break up with you"). So, it depends on the situation.

[DannyT85]

Very good point. A good way of getting it all out of your mind.

 

I guess the only argument I can think of against yours is the fact that the dumper may not be sure on whether the dumpee will be wanting to get back together or not, hence why they may approach the issue tentatively to keep their dignity in tact.

 

It's a weak argument of mine though, and what you've said does resonate with me. Why would the dumper put so much effort into saying something so cryptic that we are trying to read between the lines of. I bet the majority of time they don't put 1% of the effort into telling us something that we do into trying to 'decode' it!

[Ilovecake]

I see. So it's simply hard to say "I was wrong" so the dumpers tend to send little cryptic messages to test the waters. That makes sense but it also makes me mad. I tend to be a very direct person; it seems to work best for me in the long run. I wish people wouldn't play head games, but I guess that's neither here or there.

[ItsAllGoodAgain]

With me I thought there was a chance because of her reasonings and some of the things she said. At the time she said she knew I would be the best thing for her but she wasn't ready for me. She said she really loved me and always would but the timing was off. So in my mind I thought there was a chance and she was just confused. Well, come to find out her ex showed up so everything became much clearer.

 

I still hold on a little. Knowing that her ex left her before and would probably do it again theres that sense that she'll call. However over time I've realized that this isn't a situation I want to be involved in. They have a child together and he will always be in the picture. I can't trust that she wouldn't have the same feelings again and do the same. I really care for this girl and want her to be happy and it was really tough for me to finally let go of the possibilty of us being together again. But all it took was time and realizing what I really wanted and needed.

 

I have my moments where alls I want is to hear her voice (ie all day today). I really want to pick up the phone and see how she is. See if she's staying strong and not giving in. But I know that this isn't my place. It would probably cause more harm than good. It really sucks that I can't speak with her though. I wonder if she thinks about me. I'm pretty sure she does but I still wonder.

 

Sorry about the tangent there. Bottom line is, to them we (the dumpees) weren't enough to stick with. We were disposable to pur partner. Why would you want to risk the same pain and frustrations. I really can't do that. We learn from where we've been and use this knowledge to become better, stronger individuals. I know that sometimes it works out but very rarley. I can't take that risk. So I fight the urge to call and do all I can to stay away. Out of respect for her and myself.

[Ilovecake]

With me I thought there was a chance because of her reasonings and some of the things she said. At the time she said she knew I would be the best thing for her but she wasn't ready for me. She said she really loved me and always would but the timing was off. So in my mind I thought there was a chance and she was just confused. Well, come to find out her ex showed up so everything became much clearer.

 

I still hold on a little. Knowing that her ex left her before and would probably do it again theres that sense that she'll call. However over time I've realized that this isn't a situation I want to be involved in. They have a child together and he will always be in the picture. I can't trust that she wouldn't have the same feelings again and do the same. I really care for this girl and want her to be happy and it was really tough for me to finally let go of the possibilty of us being together again. But all it took was time and realizing what I really wanted and needed.

 

I have my moments where alls I want is to hear her voice (ie all day today). I really want to pick up the phone and see how she is. See if she's staying strong and not giving in. But I know that this isn't my place. It would probably cause more harm than good. It really sucks that I can't speak with her though. I wonder if she thinks about me. I'm pretty sure she does but I still wonder.

 

Sorry about the tangent there. Bottom line is, to them we (the dumpees) weren't enough to stick with. We were disposable to pur partner. Why would you want to risk the same pain and frustrations. I really can't do that. We learn from where we've been and use this knowledge to become better, stronger individuals. I know that sometimes it works out but very rarley. I can't take that risk. So I fight the urge to call and do all I can to stay away. Out of respect for her and myself.

 

Your ‘tangent’ is very welcome here. I’m a bit further along in my healing, it’s been a year since I got dumped. I no longer want my ex back but I’m very open to learning from everyone’s experiences as well as my own.

 

You sound like you have a very good head on your shoulders and are thinking very rationally, despite the pain you are feeling. I know everyone's situation is different but I promise you with time the pain will lessen and you'll get your answers. Biologically our brains do not let us keep hurting like that. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you can put all the pieces back together, with or without her.

[Arabella]

A few months back, my SO wanted a break to sort himself out. He didn't want to break up, but I couldn't handle the way he was treating me and I ended it. Even though I was the one to make this decision, I still feel like I was the one who got dumped because I never really wanted to break up. He forced me to do so.

 

I kept in touch regularly (while he was making no effort to do so) and a couple months later, he started asking if I still loved him, getting jealous of my spending time with friends, etc. He didn't come out clearly and say he wanted me back, but he didn't need to. I asked him flat out if what he wanted was to recommit to each other and he said yes. Now, we're back together and have been for a few weeks.

 

One thing is for sure... if the dumper wants you back, it's unlikely they're going to come out and say it directly. Like it's been said, it's difficult to admit you made a mistake. So, they throw in little clues and make you guess...

 

However, I think that if you ignore the clues, and they really want you back, they will eventually come out and say it clearly. If they don't, they were just playing games and stringing you along...

 

 

Arabella

[leap83]

A few months back, my SO wanted a break to sort himself out. He didn't want to break up, but I couldn't handle the way he was treating me and I ended it. Even though I was the one to make this decision, I still feel like I was the one who got dumped because I never really wanted to break up. He forced me to do so.

 

I kept in touch regularly (while he was making no effort to do so) and a couple months later, he started asking if I still loved him, getting jealous of my spending time with friends, etc. He didn't come out clearly and say he wanted me back, but he didn't need to. I asked him flat out if what he wanted was to recommit to each other and he said yes. Now, we're back together and have been for a few weeks.

 

One thing is for sure... if the dumper wants you back, it's unlikely they're going to come out and say it directly. Like it's been said, it's difficult to admit you made a mistake. So, they throw in little clues and make you guess...

 

However, I think that if you ignore the clues, and they really want you back, they will eventually come out and say it clearly. If they don't, they were just playing games and stringing you along...

 

 

Arabella

 

Wow... your situation sounds like mine. Dare I ask how long for were you keeping in touch? And what do you mean by regularly (LC or constantly)? I'm guessing he only replied or phoned when you did right?

 

Sorry to hijack your thread Ilovecake. I'm trying to make sense of my situation because nothing is making sense (well my gut feeling is making sense but I'm not listening to it haha).

 

But I agree with Arabella here. Sometimes you end things but you don't want them to end. However, you know it has to be that way at that point in time, so you wonder a lot. In my case, my ex thinks like a girl - even he admitted to that. LOL.

 

I'm against playing games but sometimes they're necessary, especially in these sort of cases. What if you want to get back together with the person whom you dumped but are not ready yet? Let's say you were trying to make something out of your life, you constantly thought of them and knew that eventually you'd want to end up with them (if they're not taken) and somehow you wanted to let them know that you still care about them, think of them, hope for them but you don't want to say "I eventually want to be with you" because that would be the most selfish thing you've ever done (hindering their happiness, making them wait for you, eliminating all of the potential mates that could make them happy and giving them hope) or you're not ready to say "I want to be with you"? In love, everything is possible.

[nobleguy]

In my case my ex did things during the first split (about a month) which gave me hope and she did actually change her mind to try again. They were little things.

 

Things like we would hug a lot as we were both cut up about it and used to talk a lot (still in the same house unfortunately). Then one day as I was just about to go to mums for Easter with the kids she ran her nails down my back as she hugged me goodbye. She'd never done that. Four days later we were back together. There were many other signs that she was having significant second thoughts and I think that is what we all try to see (and sometimes see even when it means nothing).

 

We split again in August and again I think she was having serious doubts as to whether she had made the right decision, but for me there was too much water under the bridge to allow her back in to do it all over again, and I blew any chances anyway with my anger at her.

 

That's why NC is so good. It makes a reconcilliation attempt much more obvious if little signals can't be sent easily. And it stops you analysing those signals (which can seriously mess your head up) if you don't have contact.

 

I have to see my ex regularly due to child commitments and I still analyse every little thing. A look, a wave, is anyone in the house, is her brother there again, did he babysit, was she not up this morning because she had a late night shagging her new boyfriend or did she just miss the alarm?

 

Think it's just a natural act of desperation to get back what has been lost.

[Ilovecake]

I guess this thread comes strictly from my experience.

 

My breakup was weird I got dumped but because he got caught. I saw a text message on his phone to his brother discussing some 23 year old girl and that he wasn't sure if she wasn't too young for him to be with. I confronted my ex with the text message and he denied that anything was going on between them but then he followed it with "it doesn't matter anyways because I don't love you". I was looking for an apartment that evening.

 

He moved out while I stayed in our place for a month. At that time we had no contact, however when I was moving he had to come by to get the rest of his stuff. He was crying and kept hugging me and holding my hand. I asked him if he doesn’t love me how come he’s acting the way he is and he simply wouldn’t answer. We tried going the friend route but he kept doing the whole hand holding thing and acting in every way like we were still together, even asked me if I wanted to go to a couple concerts with him. I kept asking him if he still had feelings for me and he simply wouldn’t answer. I stopped talking to him for about 5 months, he sent me messages saying it’s very important to him that I’m in his life and would really like to try being friends. I agreed at first and he was really going out of his way to be very nice to me, and doing things like picking up groceries for me, if I called and said I needed something he would drop everything he was doing and come right over. He hung up shelves for me and helped me weatherize my apartment for the winter but every time I asked him about his feelings for me he simply didn’t speak. I told him even if he was acting like that because of guilt or feeling sorry for me I would like to know where I stand so that I can move on, still no answer.

 

He never apologized, never said he still cared for me but if I were to read into his actions I would say there were still feelings there for me.

 

So as you see he was very direct about breaking up with me but then played head games on and off for a year. He still does little things that he knows will bring my attention to him but now it's more in anger and jealousy. I still have no idea where this guys head is at but I gave up trying to figure it out. It actually made me lose all respect for him and not like him very much, now I think he's a megalomaniac and creep and I get the hibbie jibbies whenever I see him somewhere. I almost think that breaking up wasn’t enough he also wants me to keep suffering.

[nobleguy]

...if I were to read into his actions I would say there were still feelings there for me.

 

Yep. Same for my ex too. Things like irrational jealousy and anger are the major signs in her case.