Author Brokenhrtd Posted November 19, 2009 Author Posted November 19, 2009 WEll I've decided to give myself a week from tomorrow(the day after thanksgiving) to let her see that we can do this. I talked to her this morning and asked can you actually think of life without me. I told her to think about some things, as I have last night. She opened her arms to me for the 1st time since d day. I let her know, as hard as it was to say, that this could be the best thing that ever happened to us. I also told her it could be the worst, for all of us involved. My mind is made up and I know what to do now. Thanks Lish and everyone else for the kind words. I just have to try to help her. I know we can be that happy couple again, maybe not, and if not, so be it. She will have to see the hard way.
Ms. Joolie Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 So just bypass the counseling session all together? would it look better on my part if i actually tried that? Go at least this once to try it. Talk, talk, talk about what happened. You will get a professional's ear, and feedback. It will help you tremendously in getting those thoughts out, instead of bottling them up. With a clearer head, you will make better decisions and feel better. I strongly suggest you keep your appointment.
Author Brokenhrtd Posted November 19, 2009 Author Posted November 19, 2009 Well the counseling session was a no go, but I'm not strictly oppossed it. After this mornings minor breakthrough, I sent her flowers. She said she was having a pretty stressful day at work. So I wanted to show her "I still care" and i do. I want so bad for this to work, but I am getting sick of being sick over this. I cant take too much more of this twisted feeling in my stomach and it gets worse when i think she may be still doing something. I think im just paranoid. Could I be?
TheLoneSock Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Broken, from one man to another. GET A F*CKING LAWYER. None of this waiting a week, none of this counseling/therapy, none of this trying things out. The longer you wait and sit on your hands the worse your chances get of being the victor in court. You will lose the custody battle over your son if you allow any more time to pass - it only increases the risk of you giving her something to use against you. You will lose the house, you will lose a chunk of your income, you will lose the custody battle. Courts in the United States are heavily slanted towards the woman's favor. This is one of those moments in your life where action is requried immediately. Like right now. Pain like this is fast, and rare. For god's sake man, get on the ball. Your lawyer will take care of most of the evidence gathering for your case, the courts will request even more documents and records if they need it. YOUR job right now, for yourself and your son, is to persue the law. Get it done.
Author Brokenhrtd Posted November 19, 2009 Author Posted November 19, 2009 I hear ya man, There are a few other things factored into me waiting a week to take off, so i figure in the meantime, I will try. After ten years and a beautiful son we have TOGETHER, I feel I have to make an effort. The only thing right now keeping me strong is the thought of leaving with my boy. I dont have an attny right now, But will have help on that once i arrive where I'm going, if needed.
TheLoneSock Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 (edited) I hear ya man, There are a few other things factored into me waiting a week to take off, so i figure in the meantime, I will try. After ten years and a beautiful son we have TOGETHER, I feel I have to make an effort. The only thing right now keeping me strong is the thought of leaving with my boy. I dont have an attny right now, But will have help on that once i arrive where I'm going, if needed. You can find an attorney right now, even in a different area. Search the internet or the yellow pages, wether in the area you're currently in or in the area you're headed to. (Not sure why or where you're headed to, but I hope you have your son with you.) Use this, ASAP: http://www.lawyers.com/ this is the same site with the search already completed for you: http://www.lawyers.com/All-Areas-of-Law/Louisiana/All-Cities/attorneys-and-law-firms.html?s=divorce&ns=y&st=q An attorney specializing in 'Family Law' would be best for you, they normally do divorce + child custody + other things. You're going to want to look at things like the office's success rate, cost, payment policy (do they get paid even if they lose?), and most importantly experience. Also important: do NOT tell her you're getting an attorney. Edited November 19, 2009 by TheLoneSock typo
TimH Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 (edited) If at all possible you need to stay in the house your Son knows.Then ask her to leave.Don't try to force her to leave but do ask her to leave.From there get your butt down to the Attorneys Office.It is imperative that you file for temporary custody of your Son for now.I went thru this very thing with my first marriage,she left the home though.I ended up getting custody of my 2 daughters.My X actually thought she would play with the guys for a few years and then move for custody afterwards.It doesnt work that way.My daughters are now 18 and 20.It was worth every penny and every days work in taking care of em.Please listen to everyone here cause we all have been there.Remember the advice isnt about revenge or hate or even giving up completely,its for protection of your Son and you,just in case it doesnt work.Which right now looks likely. Edited November 19, 2009 by TimH
Lish Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Broken, seriously.... take a telling. It's over. She doesn't care. She doesn't love you. END OF STORY. You don't have to try anything... she's the cheater here. She should be the one trying to rebuild trust and is she? NO. She doesn't want this to work...regardless of any spin she feeds you about trying... she DOES NOT WANT IT TO WORK. Get it? If she did, she'd have went to the therapist with you. Seriously....get a lawyer RIGHT NOW & get out.
Author Brokenhrtd Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 Could it be that she was just tying to divert the attention away from the fact that she did the most despicable thing one could do to their partner. I mean this guy isnt even goodlooking. Doesnt own a vehicle, lives with his mom, and hardly ever holds down a job. I know she's embarrassed by this. Mostly becuase of who she cheated with. Maybe this guy seemed fun and showed her some kind of attention (after all the years of me bitching)like a parent. I know the importance of having a father around. I never did. Didnt even know his name for a long time. So I feel i want to be just a room away from my boy if he ever really needs me. I also feel a seperation will hurt that bright young man more than anything. He loves us both very much. I also feel she is coming around. She doesnt have that blank stare in her eyes anymore. Yesterday morning I shut us up in our room while she was getting ready for work and asked her....Can you really see yourself without me? For the first time since Dday, she opened her arms to me. She said no. She said she was sorry for everything and told me she wished she would have just talked to me. I know my girl. I know her almost better than she knows herself. She knows that to. I have asked her to start doing little things to help me with my suspicions. She has and will continue to call me in the evening from her work phone when she leaves. said she would delete her facebook account as well. This guy preyed on her when she was vulnerable. I just cant see him landing my girl unless we were having trouble. Like I said, He may just have seemed fun at the time. We forgot about having fun. The daily stress of holding together a home, raising a child and working got to us. I started going to functions that she and my boy went to (birthday parties, movies, etc.) less and less. I became a homebody. Then started playing in a band and that gave her free time without me. Dont get me wrong, I'm not blaming myself for this anymore, but I sure didnt help the situation either. I love my family more than anything else in this world. I just cant help but wonder, If I was in her shoes.....wouldnt I need a second chance? I would want one more than you could imagine. I dont stand to lose anything in court...we didnt have a whole lot to begin with but each other. I know im a good father and would be awarded at least 50% custody if not more. I mean we're talking about family here. I know she didnt think about that, but maybe she needs my attention right now more than anything. The use of these Rx drugs could have definately contributed to this as well. Those things make you a different person. I know, I have experimented with several drugs while i was younger, but i know whats most important right now. FAMILY...She has also agreed to quit the use of these...And I know when she's on them. Like I said i know her almost better than herself if not better.I appreciate all your suggestions and will take them to heart. For now my eye is on the prize. I hope one day we will look back on this as something that made us stronger of a couple. If not,..at least i can tell my son when he is a man that Daddy did all he could to try and make this work.
TheLoneSock Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 You're still looking for excuses to blame yourself or put fault on your own shoulders. Because if that were the case, then you would be able to fix it, right? That's what us guys do, we fix things. But this is not something you can fix. It is not something that wants to be fixed. It is not something that can be fixed. Have you called an attorney yet?
GorillaTheater Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I want you to read this: www.theoccidentalquarterly.com/archives/vol7no2/v7no2_Devlin.pdf It's a detailed review of a book called "Womens' Infidelity" written by a woman. The real meat begins about half way down on page three. Take particular note that of over 70 men she interviewed, only two dealt effectively with their wives' infidelity. Read carefully as to what they did.
Ms. Joolie Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 As with every case of infidelity, there are deeper issues at hand. I still think therapy is a good idea, because even once you hire an attorney, or once you decide to stick together, there will still be those underlying issues. Those issues, what caused the infidelity, can't be shoved under the rug. It's best to work with a therapist in bringing those issues to light. Love Shack is great. You will get lots of great input. However, none of us can work with you on those personal issues like a therapist can. Besides, you wouldn't be willing to confront everything on LS... on the internet. You need to do that in private. I mean, I take a look at the OP's post and they are long crazy ass stuff. There's a lot to work with here. He's not on LS to find an answer to one or two questions, or just get some insights. There's a huge issue in his life that needs help right now, help beyond internet forums. So don't slam the therapy. It WILL help. That is all.
TheLoneSock Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 So don't slam the therapy. It WILL help. That is all. I don't slam therapy, I think it's a great thing. Couples therapy though is a different story - in this case I slam it hard. Waste of money. For him, sure, for them though - no.
TheLoneSock Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I want you to read this: www.theoccidentalquarterly.com/archives/vol7no2/v7no2_Devlin.pdf It's a detailed review of a book called "Womens' Infidelity" written by a woman. The real meat begins about half way down on page three. Take particular note that of over 70 men she interviewed, only two dealt effectively with their wives' infidelity. Read carefully as to what they did. Lol, is there a spark notes version of this? Or perhaps a GT version?
Ms. Joolie Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I don't slam therapy, I think it's a great thing. Couples therapy though is a different story - in this case I slam it hard. Waste of money. For him, sure, for them though - no. Oh, hi. Yes, I was referring to you as you mentioned it would be a waste of money. But I get it your POV, no couples therapy. Maybe not. From what I read she is going through something on her own. The infidelity, the secrets, the lack of communication, the drug use... Yet he came on here professing that he loves her so much. It makes sense, as someone who loves her, that he should try to get help for both of them, especially because there is a child involved. Couples therapy may still be a good idea. It doesn't mean they have to get back together. It means they are addressing these issues so that they can better handle the situation. If she goes great, if not then it's a shame, just another sign of a lack of cooperation in their relationship. However, OP, perhaps you can get her to go for the good of your son?? Maybe she will listen to that. All I want for you, OP, is the best way out of this mess that happened, therapy or not. What really matters IMO is communication. Don't make rash mistakes because of a lack of communication, or simply out of spite and anger or whatever. Remember it's your future you are talking about, and your son's. Just take the best measures that you can.
GorillaTheater Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Lol, is there a spark notes version of this? Or perhaps a GT version? Kids are so lazy these days... GT version: 1) The affair is not your fault. At all. It began because she was able to blame her wayward desires on your "failures", but she had to do this in order to justify what she was doing. But it's bullsh*t. 2) But you nevertheless take it to heart. "Damn, it was my fault for not being a better husband." We're fixers, so you try to fix this, trying to make your wife happy while futilely beating yourself up. Doubly futile because once it gets to this point, she's already done with the relationship. 3) The effective way of dealing with this is to lay down clear conditions for remaining married, insisting that affair end immediately, and refusing to entertain any further complaining. You can't read her mind or her emotions. She has to tell you exactly what she wants. 4) If she fails #3, swiftly file for divorce and don't look back. If she didn't want to work on the marriage prior to filing for D, she never will regardless of what she might say to the contrary.
Lish Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Could it be that she was just tying to divert the attention away from the fact that she did the most despicable thing one could do to their partner. I mean this guy isnt even goodlooking. Doesnt own a vehicle, lives with his mom, and hardly ever holds down a job. I know she's embarrassed by this. Mostly becuase of who she cheated with. Maybe this guy seemed fun and showed her some kind of attention (after all the years of me bitching)like a parent. I know the importance of having a father around. I never did. Didnt even know his name for a long time. So I feel i want to be just a room away from my boy if he ever really needs me. I also feel a seperation will hurt that bright young man more than anything. He loves us both very much. I also feel she is coming around. She doesnt have that blank stare in her eyes anymore. Yesterday morning I shut us up in our room while she was getting ready for work and asked her....Can you really see yourself without me? For the first time since Dday, she opened her arms to me. She said no. She said she was sorry for everything and told me she wished she would have just talked to me. I know my girl. I know her almost better than she knows herself. She knows that to. I have asked her to start doing little things to help me with my suspicions. She has and will continue to call me in the evening from her work phone when she leaves. said she would delete her facebook account as well. This guy preyed on her when she was vulnerable. I just cant see him landing my girl unless we were having trouble. Like I said, He may just have seemed fun at the time. We forgot about having fun. The daily stress of holding together a home, raising a child and working got to us. I started going to functions that she and my boy went to (birthday parties, movies, etc.) less and less. I became a homebody. Then started playing in a band and that gave her free time without me. Dont get me wrong, I'm not blaming myself for this anymore, but I sure didnt help the situation either. I love my family more than anything else in this world. I just cant help but wonder, If I was in her shoes.....wouldnt I need a second chance? I would want one more than you could imagine. I dont stand to lose anything in court...we didnt have a whole lot to begin with but each other. I know im a good father and would be awarded at least 50% custody if not more. I mean we're talking about family here. I know she didnt think about that, but maybe she needs my attention right now more than anything. The use of these Rx drugs could have definately contributed to this as well. Those things make you a different person. I know, I have experimented with several drugs while i was younger, but i know whats most important right now. FAMILY...She has also agreed to quit the use of these...And I know when she's on them. Like I said i know her almost better than herself if not better.I appreciate all your suggestions and will take them to heart. For now my eye is on the prize. I hope one day we will look back on this as something that made us stronger of a couple. If not,..at least i can tell my son when he is a man that Daddy did all he could to try and make this work. Honestly.... I give up.
Author Brokenhrtd Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 Well Its been a while since I last posted anything on here. The last you heard from me, We were tying to work things out after i learned of the affair. Turns out that for a week and a half after the discovery i also learned she was still talking to him, and met him (with a group of friends). After learning of this. I loaded my car as full as i could and took my boy from his home. I looked at our call logs and saw where she was contacting this guy 3 or 4 times a day for 30 to 45 minutes at a time. I contacted an attny onc i reached my destination. I was gone for about four days and began to think to myself "what the hell is happening". I spoke to her and asked her if she was ready for what was about to happen. We had both contacted attny's and were inches fom going thru with it. After weeks of her not showing any remorse for what she had done, she finally showed and said what i had wanted to hear all along. I dont know if it was the time away from me or the fact that we were about to have to share custody of our son that got to her. She broke down for the first time since "the day". She cried for hours as she told me she hated herself for what she had done to me. She told I was the best father she knew outside of her own. She told me she didnt feel she was even good enough for me anymore. She said she also had thoughts of suicide for what she had done. She has since become an open book to me. She does what I ask of her to make me feel at ease when we are away, which is mostly just work and lately a little christmas shopping. I know that this was a huge mistake on her part. Mine as well for not recognizing the signs she put off. I did the counseling thing also, but with no results. I am very comfortable with being with her. I also know she has not contacted him and will let me know if he does contact her. She has agreed that the only thing important from here on out is family and the three (if not four) of us being together. we're doing really well right now with the exception of me still wanting answers to some questions. She is still not ready to fully talk about it. She still breaks down. She says she was messed up in the head for a while. I believe she was. I do have major trust issues( of course). Im working on those. She is very understanding of this as well. she knows why I feel the way I do. Well so far so good. If anyone has any suggestions on how to cope with these trust issues let me know. I will always wonder now about my girl, but i hear that trust can be rebuilt. A good buddy of mine caught his wife of three years at the time with another guy in his bed. They have since been together another twelve years. I asked how long before he could tust her again and he said about two years. well time is what ive got now. I love my lady and my son very much and will do anything to keep us together. With a much more watchful eye for a while.
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