living in hell

[Brokenhrtd]

The other day, I caught my wife/gf (we've been together for ten years and have a five year old son) cheating on me. She admitted to it. We fought and argued. She apologized and acted very sincere about it. I on the other hand still couldnt get a grip on what had happened. the next day she told me she fell out of love with me. She said we could try to make it work, but would leave if it were financially possible. The next two days were hell. She acted as if nothing ever happened. I of course needed to talk about it and wanted to know why she fell out of love with me. Any time I mentioned it, she became angry. Then on the sunday after, i woke up and decided to take my son to the zoo if she came or not. She decided to stay home. So, the boy and I left out to the zoo. We got about 30 minutes from our house and she called and said she wanted to be with us. I turned around and went back immediately. We hugged, kissed, and all that, but didnt really talk about it. For the next few days I've had some really good times and some that are just horrible. She seems so distant from me. Its not the same when I look in her eyes. I ask if we'll be those two old people we used to talk about when times were good and she says she doesnt know. Should I run as fast as i can from her and then have to share my time with my son. Or, do I hang in there and try to make things work for all of us. She has warmed up in the last few days. We are affectionate in the presence of our boy, but she seems different when its just us. Since the day this happened, I have been numb from the bottom of my rib cage to the middle of my thighs. I cant eat or sleep right anymore. Im so paranoid that she is going to do this again. I know she doesnt want the other guy and says she was just bored. But I dont know what to do anymore.

[McGrupp]

im not going to give any advice on saving the relationship because i dont know what that is...

 

however i will say for your own protection to start thinking about a lawyer and gather the evidence about her cheating.

 

better to be safe then sorry...

[GorillaTheater]

She screwed this other guy because she was bored? As in, "dang, nothing on TV, I wonder what else I could do" bored?

 

Whether to stay or go is your choice to make. Give it considerable thought. But you haven't made a very good case for staying with her. She was bored?! That certainly indicates a propensity for the same thing to happen in the future. Maybe repeatedly.

 

You're probably going to want to invest about an hour or so with an attorney to determine whether there is a common law marriage (if so, you'll need a formal divorce if you decide to go), as well as custody and financial/property issues. Make your decision with all the information you can muster.

 

I'm sorry Broken. Be strong, don't beg or appear needy, and take care of yourself and your son through this.

[Ms. Joolie]

If you really want to understand why she has done this to you, ask her to go with you and see a counselor or therapist. It will provide a safer environment to talk about these issues.

 

I'd suggest this kind of communication to discuss what happened, and for understanding. Good communication from the start will be beneficial for everyone, especially your son.

 

So sorry you are going through this. Stay strong, don't let emotions take over.

[Brokenhrtd]

Our relationship used to be great. We couldnt be seperated. Everyone used to talk about how we would be the ones that would be together forever. She was an only child. Her mother cleaned her room until she moved out of the house. We started living together when she was about 19 or 20. I was washing dishes and cleaning house from age ten. after so many years of working full time and coming home to clean the kitchen, start dinner, and clean the rest of the house i became a bit of an ass to her I guess. I think i got a lil worse once the baby came along. In ten years together she probably washed dishes ten times. Then I started playing in a band(which she encouraged). It was one of the only excuses we had to get out of the house, when i played shows. I love the girl so much I cant stand it. I wonder if she's just tying to make me feel bad before she lets me back in her heart, but i dont know. She's steadily on facebook(where this took place). Should i ask for her passwords? "If we're really going to make this work".

[HeavenOrHell]

This is what I was going to say too

 

 

If you really want to understand why she has done this to you, ask her to go with you and see a counselor or therapist. It will provide a safer environment to talk about these issues.

 

I'd suggest this kind of communication to discuss what happened, and for understanding. Good communication from the start will be beneficial for everyone, especially your son.

 

So sorry you are going through this. Stay strong, don't let emotions take over.

[Brokenhrtd]

I just tried that(counseling). She said no. I dont think she wants people to know she cheated. I did make an appt for myself tomorrow. not sure if I'll go then. She said time will help heal all this. I also asked for her password to facebook and she said she'll cut back on its use. i think im going to press the password deal. It will help me I think.

[j_cali_man]

Good call on the counseling even if YOU are the one that goes. Being with the counselo will not "fix" her so to speak. Will it will do is give you some perspective. Everything is raw and fresh (my split was 2 weeks ago and I am reeling big time...). Give yourself time to grieve and even be upset for being betrayed. This forum has been a great help. There are so many things going on here that there may not be a kiss and make up type situation. Especially if you realize that in order to stay with her (assuming things can be rebuilt) her with some other dude behind your back would have to be forgiven and forgotten. Thats tough to handle for any man. Good luck an dkeep your head up.

 

J

[Brokenhrtd]

Damn, got caught looking thru her phone. trying to find either old evidence or new evidence. She finally has told me that she started feeling the way she did about a year ago. She still says she's not quite sure what has made her feel this way though. She is probably hating me right now. I cant help but cry, beg, and suffer. How do I gather strength to just let her heal if she can? How long will I feel this wounded? She has told me countless times that maybe if we allow some time, this could work. How do i make it work when i want to look thru her phone all the time, assume she is talking to other guys on facebook. I've made her mad again tonight. I'm starting to hate myself for all this. Do i need to leave before she does? I want nothing more than to have her love me. Have I driven myself into a hole? Can I ever get out of this. Will she ever have me back in her heart? If anyone can tell me where to get this "strength" please speak up. I've tried prayer. Not sure it's working right now. Ive thought about scooping my boy up and leaving. There are reasons i would not want him left here with her. Rx reasons.There is the occassional use of those. if i did leave, I couldnt stand the thought of my son.....MY SON....being around another man. Or around drugs. I grew up with a few different step fathers in my life. I hated them all. I also began to resent my mother for that. How in the Hell do i fix what I dont know how to fix?

[Brokenhrtd]

I just think time away from her might actually help me right now, But I'll need my boy to help me with that. If i leave we'll probably lose our house. she could lose her job due to me taking our only car. I just dont know anymore!!!!!

[Brokenhrtd]

I made an appt to see a counselor tomorrow. I probably wont go. is this really something i need?

[Brokenhrtd]

How do you deal with the fits of rage from knowing your woman or man was with someone else. I should be sleeping right now but cant because i close my eyes and see them and think about all that is wrong now. I know she's wrong for cheating. Is she just trying to divert the blame and put it all on me? I sure do hate myself right now. She tells me she doesnt know if she'll ever love me again, but will try. Then after she says that, i go thru her phone again.( and get caught this time). I feel like im really pushing her away. i cant stand the thought of being without her and my son. more so having to share the time with him. I have considered taking my boy to another state. and putting him in school and filing for custody. I just cant be with her right now. I keep screwing things up and getting deeper in a hole. Just when i think im doing better, the tears come, I look weak(which i am right now), I start dwelling on the past. damn it...damn it

[Lish]

Damn, got caught looking thru her phone. trying to find either old evidence or new evidence. She finally has told me that she started feeling the way she did about a year ago. She still says she's not quite sure what has made her feel this way though. She is probably hating me right now. I cant help but cry, beg, and suffer. How do I gather strength to just let her heal if she can? How long will I feel this wounded? She has told me countless times that maybe if we allow some time, this could work. How do i make it work when i want to look thru her phone all the time, assume she is talking to other guys on facebook. I've made her mad again tonight. I'm starting to hate myself for all this. Do i need to leave before she does? I want nothing more than to have her love me. Have I driven myself into a hole? Can I ever get out of this. Will she ever have me back in her heart? If anyone can tell me where to get this "strength" please speak up. I've tried prayer. Not sure it's working right now. Ive thought about scooping my boy up and leaving. There are reasons i would not want him left here with her. Rx reasons.There is the occassional use of those. if i did leave, I couldnt stand the thought of my son.....MY SON....being around another man. Or around drugs. I grew up with a few different step fathers in my life. I hated them all. I also began to resent my mother for that. How in the Hell do i fix what I dont know how to fix?

 

You sound like a nice guy.

 

However, you need to remember something here: SHE cheated on YOU.

 

Unless you physically beat her and she was scared to talk to you, which I doubt, then this all boils down to lack of respect on her part. You don't just wake up one day not in love with your partner.. she gradually felt herself having less strong feelings for you. The fact she didn't have enough respect for you to tell you how she felt a year ago, when things would have been easier to work through, should give you alot of answers.

 

I don't care (nor should you) what excuses she came out with when you caught her cheating. She would still be sleeping with this guy (probably still is) if you hadn't caught her. Again, this is ALL about lack of respect... there is absolutely no excuse for cheating. It's about having a little bit of self control and the ability to keep your pants up.

 

And here you are, sitting asking for advice on what YOU should do to fix this? What exactly do YOU have to fix here? She's the one who should be making the most effort here to regain your trust and she just doesn't seem to care. She doesn't want to seek professional help...she would rather act like nothing ever happened.

Why do you even care if she has a job if you leave? People need to take responsibility for their own actions and you darling, need to look after yourself rather than worrying about her. Don't stay with her out of pity.

 

In my opinion:

- She doesn't respect you.

- Doesn't love you either.

- Doesn't care.

- Doesn't wanna work on your relationship; she's probably still having an affair.

- YOU need to take care of yourself - go to the session alone - learn how to deal with things & cope.

- YOU need to get a lawyer.

- She's feeding you bull**** about this working out. And how time will heal it? No, she's saying this because she doesn't want to work on it..she knows financially/whatever else, it's better if you're around, while she still gets her sexual/emotional needs fed elsewhere.

 

 

Good luck

[TheLoneSock]

I made an appt to see a counselor tomorrow. I probably wont go. is this really something i need?

 

I would invest the money in a lawyer instead if I were you.

 

I know it might be hard to think about bringing legal action against her, but it is one of those things you'll be glad you did later on. She knowingly broke the vows of marriage and broke the law - you have rights, protect them and guarantee a better future for yourself.

 

It may be a fight through your emotions to do it, but it needs to be done. No, it won't make you feel any better, and may even make you feel worse for the moment, but it still needs to be done.

 

The law is on your side. As a man, this is rare - courts in the US consistently side with the woman on issues like this. But in this case, the law is on your side, so USE it.

Edited November 19, 2009 by TheLoneSock
typo

[Lish]

You sound like a nice guy.

 

However, you need to remember something here: SHE cheated on YOU.

 

Unless you physically beat her and she was scared to talk to you, which I doubt, then this all boils down to lack of respect on her part. You don't just wake up one day not in love with your partner.. she gradually felt herself having less strong feelings for you. The fact she didn't have enough respect for you to tell you how she felt a year ago, when things would have been easier to work through, should give you alot of answers.

 

I don't care (nor should you) what excuses she came out with when you caught her cheating. She would still be sleeping with this guy (probably still is) if you hadn't caught her. Again, this is ALL about lack of respect... there is absolutely no excuse for cheating. It's about having a little bit of self control and the ability to keep your pants up.

 

And here you are, sitting asking for advice on what YOU should do to fix this? What exactly do YOU have to fix here? She's the one who should be making the most effort here to regain your trust and she just doesn't seem to care. She doesn't want to seek professional help...she would rather act like nothing ever happened.

Why do you even care if she has a job if you leave? People need to take responsibility for their own actions and you darling, need to look after yourself rather than worrying about her. Don't stay with her out of pity.

 

In my opinion:

- She doesn't respect you.

- Doesn't love you either.

- Doesn't care.

- Doesn't wanna work on your relationship; she's probably still having an affair.

- YOU need to take care of yourself - go to the session alone - learn how to deal with things & cope.

- YOU need to get a lawyer.

- She's feeding you bull**** about this working out. And how time will heal it? No, she's saying this because she doesn't want to work on it..she knows financially/whatever else, it's better if you're around, while she still gets her sexual/emotional needs fed elsewhere.

 

 

Good luck

 

I would invest the money in a lawyer instead if I were you.

 

I know it might be hard to think about bringing legal action against her, but it is one of those things you'll be glad you did later on. She broke the vows of marriage and broke the law - you have rights, protect them and guarantee a better future for yourself.

 

It may be a fight through your emotions to do it, but it needs to be done. No, it won't make you feel any better, and may even make you feel worse for the moment, but it still needs to be done.

 

 

 

These.

 

 

 

 

Please also read what we're saying and use your BRAIN, not your heart. I know it's very easy to let your children/love get in the way of rational decisions...but please, use your brain here.. you will thank us for the advice one day, trust me

 

DO NOT stay together for the sake of your son... perhaps, children should be used as a little motivation to make something work (if both parties are willing... but in your situation, she isn't), but should never be the deciding factor.

[Brokenhrtd]

LISH,

Thank you. I think i am a great guy. I've recently been talking to my mom.(go figure) She keeps my spirits up. She tells me You're the leadsinger for a band, your young, handsome and all that. The root of our problems is that she has and probably always will be very lazy. She works alot and is very good at her job. At home, this is not the case. I have basiclly taken care of her for nine of the ten years we have been together.I asked for her facebook password. She became angry. I tihnk she still would cheat. the guy she cheated with is a major piece of trash. I tihnk he's a drug dealer to. She has abused prescription drugs for sometime now. That is why I really dont want to leave my boy with her when i go. I hate the thought of my little man telling me he wants to see his mother when i jst cant do it. I know it would be her parents raiding him if i left and i cant stomach that. Im slowly making my mind up about this. and i think i know what i have to do. The schools where i would go are much better that what he has here. If we stay, he gets to see us fight.(we've been doing better with that lately) she has become violent recently also. we were arguing in our room and i made a point, so she storms out of the bedroom and goes to sit right behind my boy while he's on the computer. I called her a coward for that and she threw a drink in my face. Before she cheated I knew for some reason we wouldnt last, but now that she has I feel im to blame. I know i shouldnt. maybe its because it only happened a week ago. i dont know. Ive been reading alot of these type of blogs. It seems like from reading that it will only get worse before it gets better if it ever does if i stay. The only clarity i have had is when i think me and my boy together without her. like i said i couldnt stand the thought of another guy,(especially a drug dealer) around my child. She cheated while i was recording my vocal tracks for my bands demo. She encouraged this band activity also. guess i know why now. It just hurts so bad that while i was so excited about something like recording an album, my girl was laying with another man. i tied to quit the band, but she said it would make her mad so i didnt. i just wanted to focus on the main thing in my life, which i thought was all of us together, Turns out the only thing that matters to me right now(moment of clarity) is my boy. I love that kid so much. Hes the brightest five year old i have ever met. It breaks my heart that he's seen us the way he has.

[Lish]

LISH,

Thank you. I think i am a great guy. I've recently been talking to my mom.(go figure) She keeps my spirits up. She tells me You're the leadsinger for a band, your young, handsome and all that. The root of our problems is that she has and probably always will be very lazy. She works alot and is very good at her job. At home, this is not the case. I have basiclly taken care of her for nine of the ten years we have been together.I asked for her facebook password. She became angry. I tihnk she still would cheat. the guy she cheated with is a major piece of trash. I tihnk he's a drug dealer to. She has abused prescription drugs for sometime now. That is why I really dont want to leave my boy with her when i go. I hate the thought of my little man telling me he wants to see his mother when i jst cant do it. I know it would be her parents raiding him if i left and i cant stomach that. Im slowly making my mind up about this. and i think i know what i have to do. The schools where i would go are much better that what he has here. If we stay, he gets to see us fight.(we've been doing better with that lately) she has become violent recently also. we were arguing in our room and i made a point, so she storms out of the bedroom and goes to sit right behind my boy while he's on the computer. I called her a coward for that and she threw a drink in my face. Before she cheated I knew for some reason we wouldnt last, but now that she has I feel im to blame. I know i shouldnt. maybe its because it only happened a week ago. i dont know. Ive been reading alot of these type of blogs. It seems like from reading that it will only get worse before it gets better if it ever does if i stay. The only clarity i have had is when i think me and my boy together without her. like i said i couldnt stand the thought of another guy,(especially a drug dealer) around my child. She cheated while i was recording my vocal tracks for my bands demo. She encouraged this band activity also. guess i know why now. It just hurts so bad that while i was so excited about something like recording an album, my girl was laying with another man. i tied to quit the band, but she said it would make her mad so i didnt. i just wanted to focus on the main thing in my life, which i thought was all of us together, Turns out the only thing that matters to me right now(moment of clarity) is my boy. I love that kid so much. Hes the brightest five year old i have ever met. It breaks my heart that he's seen us the way he has.

 

Honestly, just get out of this relationship. I'm serious.

 

The reasons why are highlighted in your own post in bold.

 

 

She abuses prescription drugs. Guy she is having an affair with may also be...and possibly a drug dealer.

Violent.

Your boy is seeing you both in ways he shouldn't. She almost used him as a shield when she went and sat next to him during an argument with you.

If you don't get out now, you probably never will & he'll resent you for keeping him around it.

If you can prove she's abusing medicine (I don't know how exactly...ask a lawyer), then chances are you'll win a custody battle.

 

 

 

Do I honestly need to go on?

[Brokenhrtd]

So just bypass the counseling session all together? would it look better on my part if i actually tried that? I dont know. we were never legally married, but in the state of louisiana we may have a common law marriage. Maybe the counselor could help me with this as well. my appt is tomorrow afternoon at 12:00. will keep u guys posted on what i decide to do as far as leaving, but it seems right now like that is what i need to do. I will also have to live with the thought of what to used to be "MY" beautiful woman and the mother of my child sleeping with some piece of crap. probably for drugs.

[Brokenhrtd]

Lish,

Thanks for pointing out what i should have known all along. Its just hard to see past anything but my broken heart. I cant believe this has turned me into a whining little baby. Im a burly guy. I have cried (before this) as a child and very seldom throughout the years. but in the last week, i have cried rivers. my stomach is so messed up right now. I know what has to be done and have been discussing it with my mother. I just wanted to use it as a back up plan in case we didnt have any kind of breakthrough from now until next week. I will leave. My mind is made up. my boy is the only thing i have now. I love him so much and hope he doesnt resent me for taking him from his mother.

[Brokenhrtd]

Goodnight everyone, I hope the morning brings good things. will keep on keepin on. Thanks

[Lish]

Lish,

Thanks for pointing out what i should have known all along. Its just hard to see past anything but my broken heart. I cant believe this has turned me into a whining little baby. Im a burly guy. I have cried (before this) as a child and very seldom throughout the years. but in the last week, i have cried rivers. my stomach is so messed up right now. I know what has to be done and have been discussing it with my mother. I just wanted to use it as a back up plan in case we didnt have any kind of breakthrough from now until next week. I will leave. My mind is made up. my boy is the only thing i have now. I love him so much and hope he doesnt resent me for taking him from his mother.

 

He wont resent you if you do it correctly. Nor will he when he grows up.. he'll know you did it for the correct reasons.

 

He's only what, five? Aslong as you don't badmouth his mother infront of him, or try turn him against her, then you should be alright. Children that young, I'm sure you know, are damn bright...and alot smarter than people think..so make sure he doesn't think he's caused any of this to happen.

 

BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING, seek proper legal advice; you do NOT want to do anything wrong when you leave. She may use anything and everything she can against you. The again, as she doesn't love you, it may be bit of relief - it's the custody bit she'll probably be pissed off about..meaning you need to act properly.. so, definitely seek legal advice there before doing anything. ASAP.

 

You could go to the therapist on your own - he/she can help you through YOUR pain.

[Brokenhrtd]

Hey lish,

Can phone records be obtained in court for something like this? The messages were in her phone as texts and on her facebook account. I should have forwarded them to my phone, but was a little bit out of it when i found out. Im sure she has delted them all by now to.

[Brokenhrtd]

Well, I'll see how tomorrow looks. Thanks for everything.

brokenhrtd

[nobleguy]

In my opinion:

- She doesn't respect you.

- Doesn't love you either.

- Doesn't care.

- Doesn't wanna work on your relationship; she's probably still having an affair.

- YOU need to take care of yourself - go to the session alone - learn how to deal with things & cope.

- YOU need to get a lawyer.

- She's feeding you bull**** about this working out. And how time will heal it? No, she's saying this because she doesn't want to work on it..she knows financially/whatever else, it's better if you're around, while she still gets her sexual/emotional needs fed elsewhere.

 

This is the post to take notice of. In my case when I got the smallest hint that my ex had not been straight with me I should have left. Immediately. It's the only thing that might have saved our relationship - mine didn't cheat but she was dishonest about meeting up with another bloke.

 

Two years later and we are split. She is with him.

 

Get out. Make her realise you are serious. You are then forcing her to decide if you are what she wants. If not, then you know at least.

 

Don't make my mistake and go all paranoid. It was the breaking of trust in our relationship that killed us, so even if you do work it out short term I have to be honest and point out that (like me) you may never fully trust her again, and that is too destructive a thing in a relationship for it to work long term.

 

P.S. Same thing here. Facebook. Mobile.

[Brokenhrtd]

Good morning world. Give me strength to whats right today.