miracle4me09 Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Please need members comments. My husband and I are in our early 50's. I found him looking at a Dating Site, He had selected a particular woman to look at. When I inquired he said "Oh, that just went into my junk mail and I took a look. A couple of months later, he and I were looking at something online together and someone showed up on his screen by the name of "Linda". I didn't say anything and he ignored it. Later I checked it out and found that he had six women saved on his computer messenger including Linda. "Linda" had a photo with her name, showing a young women half naked. I also saw on our computer that he had entered an "Adult Dating Site" that offers all kinds of stuff and that his profile only said "Looking for casual sex". He sent a "wink" to someone. My husband travels ALOT for work and of course has a laptop computer. I also might add that he fooled around quite a bit on his first wife, and the marriage ended when a woman called her claiming that she had slept in their bed with him. I know it may look really obvious as to what he is up to. I feel like I took a chance in marrying him knowing his past and he has convinced me up until now that he hasn't cheated on me. (BTW, I found e-mails between him and another woman about 4 years ago which I confronted him on). We had a nasty confrontation last night and I don't know what to think. Comments anyone???
2sure Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 You know that he is cheating. It hurts. You want to believe that he was just "looking". He is cheating. If he was shopping around 4 years ago, and you caught him and he didnt stop you can bet money that it escalated. If you have access to his cell phone records and dont see anything, then he has a secret cell phone. If you want proof install a key logger on his computer or record him otherwise. Do not for a moment act like the excuses he gives you are plausible. If you want to stay married or you want to divorce, you are both going to have to acknowledge the reality of what is happening.
Author miracle4me09 Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 By the way, we have a good sex life. He says he isn't as interested in sex as he used to be and he says he that is something he is having trouble accepting. I find that believable due to our ages being in our 50's. He says he wouldn't be able to do much with a 20 year old and that he doesn't even know those people.
NOTSURE7 Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 trust your gut.... you know whats going on here..
cheergirl Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 If it looks like a duck, If it walks like a duck, If it quacks like duck and visits casual ducking sites, it's probably a cheating duck... Now, why are you here asking,(what you already know the answer to) and what will you do now is the real question?
JamesM Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 By the way, we have a good sex life. He says he isn't as interested in sex as he used to be and he says he that is something he is having trouble accepting. I find that believable due to our ages being in our 50's. He says he wouldn't be able to do much with a 20 year old and that he doesn't even know those people. Okay, so let's give him the benefit of the doubt. What is his reasons for these women being saved on his computer? Why did he sign up and take a look and then save some women? Perhaps he has a good reason, but my guess is that you have a sinking feeling that he is looking for something more than just out of curiosiy.
2sure Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 The man has a history of cheating on his ex wife. So, you know that he is capable of it. You caught him emailing a woman inappropriately 4 years ago. So, you know he has no respect for boundaries. And he didnt change his boundaries or learn a lesson because.... Now you catch him not looking at porn but on an Adult Dating Site. These are real people, real interaction, as you KNOW - because he chats with them., exchanges pictures with them. With LINDA and others. So, things are escalating. He may tell you that its because "Oh hey, Im 50 and feeling less sexual, I'm insecure"....SO FREAKING WHAT? Ever heard of viagra???? A man this experienced and this comfortable with infidelity....has simply fine tuned his approach and is now power shopping. I would take a look...are some of the women he has contact with in one of the cities he goes out of town to?? Someone fishing on the INTERNET for sex is about 60 seconds away from having it. Do whatever you feel you need to do to live your life...but KNOW whats happening.
Author miracle4me09 Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 Thanks to you who have responded. I believe that the truth is, and I don't want to minimize his actions, but we both probably have low self esteem. Now in my 50's, I realize that I have low self esteem and am looking back as to how that has had a major impact on my life. I have not lived up to my potential. In addition, that is probably why I would end up with someone who cheats. He is gone from home alot, a bad thing, and gets bored. He also has a drinking problem which he mostly hides from everyone except me. Whether or not his looking at dating sites and having women on his messenger means he is actually cheating still causes me great pain and doubt. It just adds poison into the relationship. They are careless, selfish acts. But hey, what other kind of man would someone with low self esteem end up with? In many ways we have a great relationship, but it looks as though all his adult life has been spent in feeling important or sexy or whatever by other women. My adult life has been with men who only used me. So here we are. I do feel that I am more of an adult and I appreciate having a good marriage and I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that. I just wish he could see how poisonous his actions are, especially being away alot, but he just lies when confronted.
2sure Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Join the f'g club. Hi, my name is 2sure. I am married to a serial cheater. His cheating is his problem, his issue and it is no reflection on me.
oxfordsocks Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 I am 42 and i got involved in an adult site last November 2008 for the sould intention of "lookiing" to see what turned me on--I was having a hard time sexually and no desire that hubby could fulfill--with his permission i went on adult friend finder--with the agreement to not "chat" Well turns out that is what i like about it--that is what turned me on was the chat in the chat rooms--and then one chat room led to watching cams--then lots of cams i watched with no faces--then the more i talked the more i started to "see" the faces that matched what i was interested in watching---and then one particular fellow caught me eye--and mine his--and its been a year of an affair.
turnstone Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Miracle, you obviously have a lot of self-awareness and that's a rare and great thing. I'd heartily recommend IC, I'm sure you'd get a lot out of it. One other thing, please consider getting tested. Ok, I'm very biased about this, but it can't do any harm and it could save a lot of unnecessary heartache at a time when there's enough to deal with. Very many hugs to you.
Author miracle4me09 Posted November 19, 2009 Author Posted November 19, 2009 Turnstone, can you tell me what IC is? Also, is it possible to have a sexually transmitted disease and have no symptoms? Does anyone have any thoughts as to why men who have good wives still have the need to go "trolling" for other women? It just seems like a waste of time after having done so for 25 or 30 years. Sadly, a neighbor who is in his early 80's had rumors of him going after other women, even his brother-in-law's wife when he was younger. He actually tried to grab me about 3 months ago. He's always telling me I'm pretty, etc. He is a regular CHURCH GOER!!! That is SAD!!! I know his wife knows how he is but chose to stay. I am in my 50's and I want to try and focus on positive things for my life. The only time it hurts is when I hear a lie or when something is done that my gut tells me is deceitful. When told a lie, I feel less than a person. I try not to dwell on it but we have had two very nasty confrontations over this and I always feel worse afterwards. I just don't understand why people harm themselves and harm the ones they love.
JamesM Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Turnstone, can you tell me what IC is? Individual Counseling Also, is it possible to have a sexually transmitted disease and have no symptoms? Yes. But IMO since you don't have evidence that he is actually physically with any women, I wouldn't panic. It may set your mind at ease. Even then, if he starts a physical relationship with a woman the day after you had the tests done, then you may as well be retested. And if you think he is a cautious person, then hopefully, he uses protection IF he slept with any women...which IS a big if so far. Does anyone have any thoughts as to why men who have good wives still have the need to go "trolling" for other women? Many reasons.... 1. For variety. And no one woman can do anything about this no matter how much sex she gives him. 2. To feel desirable again. And again, this is his own internal struggle. 3. Because he is lacking something in his marriage (ie sex). While this is something you can affect, you need to know of a problem before you can fix a problem. 4. For the love of the thrill of a secret life. Again, nothing you can do. 5. You mentioned his lack of interest in sex. Perhaps this is his way to feel the desire for sex again. Oddly, based on what you said, I don't think love has anything to do with it. If it were with one woman, then perhaps he needs fulfillment of some emotional need. I don't think this has anything to do with who you are, but it is all about him. You still have plenty of life to live. The question is...do you want to live with him?
lookin2wardthefuture Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 (edited) My heart goes out to you. This was exactly my first discovery (online dating services) of my STBX's infidelity. Yes , he denied ,denied and denied some more, but I didnt stop looking and the truth finally came out. He had been going to prostitutes, and the first time was three years earlier!!! From what you've posted and my own experience, it sounds like you're dealing with someone with multiple addictions. .Alcohol, sex, and I'll bet if you do a little digging some porn addiction as well. Please get yourself tested! Everytime you have sex with this man you are literally risking your life! I hope you will consider getting out of this relationship, because these type of multiple addictors very rarely stop their destructive behaviors. Think about it, this has already caused this guy one marriage, and apparently that has not caused him to think twice. Figure out fast what the other woman did, YOU DESERVE BETTER BECAUSE YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!! Sorry to be so blunt, but I do not want you to settle for relationship that will offer you nothing but heartache. Edited November 23, 2009 by lookin2wardthefuture
Woman In Blue Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 He says he wouldn't be able to do much with a 20 year old and that he doesn't even know those people. Wow, what a spin doctor. I've been single for a couple of years and every single 50+ man I've met has been a total sex fiend. I, too, thought they slowed down after 50 but I'm not finding that at ALL. He may have slowed down at home but it's quite clear he's looking for action on the side. Where there's smoke there's fire, and to ignore all the blatant signs you've been given or to believe his nonsense excuses about "not being able to do much with a 20 year old" would just not be a smart thing for you to do. You need to call a spade a spade. Men don't chat with women online to discuss how the fishing is in Nova Scotia or to share recipes with them. Your husband is just another bored, self-serving married predator looking for a cheap thrill online, I'm sorry to say. And if his female buddies live close by, all the better to possibly set up a meeting. Those women's names in his buddy list aren't fishing buddies, of that you can be sure. I've continually had to deal with married men just like him since the day I installed a chat program. You can't swing a dead cat around the internet without hitting 10,000 bored married guys all looking for a thrill. It got so ridiculous that I actually uninstalled my chat program because I was sick to death of being hit on by these married jerks. As far as the adult sex hookup site he's got a profile on, welcome to the herd. He and every other idiot on that site are stupid enough to think the internet is one big woman "candy store" and that women are just going to line up to do their sexual bidding. He and the rest of them would get more action buying themselves a Hustler Magazine and calling it a day. If he hasn't yet had a Playboy Bunny show up on his doorstep because she just couldn't resist him on his sex website, it's not because he didn't try. It's because he's just one of millions of idiots on the internet all looking to get laid and he just hasn't gotten lucky. That's the only reason he hasn't gotten any action on that website. Lastly, he was a serial cheater with his first wife until she finally got smart and booted him out. So the truth is that you knew he was a snake when you picked him up, Miracle. And you've admitted that. You knew he was of very questionable character when you chose to marry him. To expect him to change his lifelong habits - when you knew he was a serial cheater - was not in your best interests. I'm sure you know that. Sweetie, you can't unring the bell. The damage is done and will continue until YOU decide you won't be disrespected anymore.
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