love_confusion Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 wow. Love-confusion. that sounds really tough! i don't think i could cope with that. Have you thought about cutting him off completely? sounds like you're not moving on and you've asked him and he's has been honest about not wanting you in his life as a girlfriend... perhaps you need to face that? I know it's really really hard! My ex and i are going for drinks this week and after i'm going to be the stronger person and ask him if wants to start over or not. If he's honest with me and say that he can't see us together but just as friends - then i'm going to say that i don't think it's that wise for the time being.... In fact not for a long while (until i've met someone else ha!). It's not good for either of us. It is tough and I don't like myself for allowing him to do what he does. The thing is, though, I totally feel responsible for the break up and I know I hurt him. So, in a way, I feel I deserve to put up with all this. Kind of like I gave up on him once and I don't want to do it again. Not healthy, I know. It's hard to even date anyone else because I'm still connected to him in a way. I've thought about cutting him off, but I know he'll eventually come back and I'm not strong enough to let him go...yet. I'm getting there at least. Good luck with meeting your ex... I hope he is able to be honest with you so you know what your next step will be.
Author cypresa Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 Yeah it's tough isn't it? i hope i'm brave enough to say those words!!! It's very easy to write them here on the forum. But when faced with someone you care about.. really worried that i might just not say anything (if we're having a good time) and bottle it! Oh well, if i do i can always do tell him the chicken's way - on email! ps: i have a date on Tuesday! just a first date - but i thought it would be good for me to say yes. it's making me feel a lot more confident about myself!! a good place to be when i meet the ex...
threebyfate Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 well good point! i don't want to be strung along and of course i don't want to be just email buddies (although it is comforting him being there) - but we are meeting for a drink next week. i just don't know how to go about asking for what i want after 7 months! And rejection is never easy to take... what happens if he doesn't know? i can tell he misses me and wants contact but that doesn't mean he knows whether he wants to start again.Okay, then, ask him what he wants from you. If he's ambiguous, not committing to anything definite, then leave the ball in his court, telling him that when he decides, he can contact you. Beyond that, it doesn't matter what he wants. He has to put his wants into action, for it to be meaningful. Also, whatever he wants, has to mesh with what you want. If he's only looking for friendship and you want more, continue moving on.
love_confusion Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 Yeah it's tough isn't it? i hope i'm brave enough to say those words!!! It's very easy to write them here on the forum. But when faced with someone you care about.. really worried that i might just not say anything (if we're having a good time) and bottle it! Oh well, if i do i can always do tell him the chicken's way - on email! ps: i have a date on Tuesday! just a first date - but i thought it would be good for me to say yes. it's making me feel a lot more confident about myself!! a good place to be when i meet the ex... Good luck with the date then, too! As for your ex, it's probably better to ask in person, that way you can see his reaction and what not. The problem with e-mail is that they can just ignore it and never respond, which is super annoying. However, I wouldn't over think things too much ahead of time. See how things go...I'm sure you'll know how to handle bringing it up when the time is right.
Author cypresa Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 Tiny update... i have my date tonight with the new guy and am very excited. Yay. but weird thing happened yesterday.. the wife of one of my ex's best friend called me at 10AM on monday morning! i haven't spoken to her for over 5 months. So odd that she calls me up. So starts doing chitchat - which was nice cause i really liked this girl! Anyway she drops in the conversaiton that my ex has been speaking alot about me. And said to her husband that he's been on dates (or seeing girls) and no one holds a torch to me. She then starts to say maybe he thought he didnt' want to settle down when i did and maybe my relationship gave him confidence that he never had when he was younger (he used to be very unlucky with girls but that has changed) and he just felt like he hadn't been single or single with attention from girls - so wanted to enjoy that moment. And now she thinks that he is realising that it's not that much fun after all... an interesting insight! does that sound familiar anyone? can men be this shallow? Is this the grass is greener syndrome? anyway bit odd that she called me out of the blue like that.... but date tonight and then in a few days seeing the ex for drinks - so only time will tell... will keep you updated...
newyork82 Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 Seems i have lots of people in the same kind of situation with me. I have broken up with my ex six times, and gone back six times? Why? We broke up because he didnt want commitment WITH me. But after the break up, he wanted us to be friends. So we would talk for about one week, and after seven days end up in Bed! AFter sleeping with him, i wouldnt want to lose out. so i would ensure we got back together. And the next moment i bring up the commitment issue, he would tell me, he thought it was already a settled issue. The danger about being friends is that you continue to hope for meore, while he knows that he still is the same, and you might end up getting hurt. I think you should move on. Do NC. block him from fb. tell him to stop mailing you. If he likes you that much, he should be willing to TRY and work things out. No man loves a woman so much yet wont mind losing her.
mimiminx Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Good for you not waiting around for him. It IS nice to hear from other people that your ex is thinking about you, talking about you, etc. But at the same time, wouldn't you agree that it's frustrating?! Like, if he feels this way, what's his problem?! (I was there, I can relate ) I've been following your story for awhile. I personally think that your guy wants you back. But it's great that you're not fully available to him and accepting dates with other people. Keep doing that! I'm not sure why men work this way, but once they fear REALLY losing you (if they really love you, that is), that's when everything changes. It's unfortunate but true. I don't think it's the grass is greener syndrome necessarily.. I think men can be prideful when it comes to matters of the heart. (No offense to the guys here, just my observations!) Good luck with the meeting...
threebyfate Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 And said to her husband that he's been on dates (or seeing girls) and no one holds a torch to me. She then starts to say maybe he thought he didnt' want to settle down when i did and maybe my relationship gave him confidence that he never had when he was younger (he used to be very unlucky with girls but that has changed) and he just felt like he hadn't been single or single with attention from girls - so wanted to enjoy that moment. And now she thinks that he is realising that it's not that much fun after all... an interesting insight! does that sound familiar anyone? can men be this shallow? Is this the grass is greener syndrome?Firstly, have fun on your date! As for shallow and grass is greener syndrome, this isn't unusual, whether the guy is the dumper or gets dumped. As for confidence, there are plenty of guys who gain sexual confidence within a relationship, think they're the cat's meow but when they lose their support and security system, fold like a cheap suit.
Author cypresa Posted November 27, 2009 Author Posted November 27, 2009 so just had my drinks with ex. Sorry to say there is no happy answer here... had amazing night - went for drink in a pub then he suggested going to an amazing restauart for dinner which we did then went for drinks after (we both didn't want to go home) we had an amazing night. never a dull moment. lots of funny stories... BUT..... over the past few weeks we have been sharing what we've been up to on email. I shared with him some work i've done that was very important to me (just on youtube so not that hard) and i said to him tonight - did you see them? and he said no - he hasn't had time (2 weeks ago i sent the links) and he has been really working hard and forgot. Now these things are really important to me and he didn't even click on the links!!!! made me realise that he doesnt' really care about me at all. and if he did he would have watched them.... he realised that it was bad and it was an utterly horrible moment for 10 mins.. anyhoo we carried on but then i decided it was time to go home (we were both pissed) i got in a cab and said good luck wih everythint and he was like 'ill see you before christmas right?!" i agreed. but inside i was like no way. that is it from me. if he doesn't care enough about me and what i'm up to then why should i give him time and support. So from me that is it. i dont think i will ever talk to him again ..... sorry to have a rubbish story. not what you were all expecting i'm sure....
Midnight Rider Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 Wow, you say you had a great time but then you don't ever want to see him or talk to him again? Why would you go out with him then? Oh I forgot, he didn't read your precious email. That's unforgivable. I guess since you are a perfect person, you deserve better than this. Make up whatever excuses you like, bottom line is this guy deserves better not the other way around.
Author cypresa Posted November 27, 2009 Author Posted November 27, 2009 well i was pretty drunk when i wrote that!!! haha. way too many glasses of vino.... we did have a great night - yes he did open up about what he's been upset about (work stuff) but there was no sense that he wanted to kiss me or cuddle or any body language to suggest he fancied me still - you know when you can just tell?? i dunno. great night yes. but where does it go? where do i go? what happens now? we carry on emailing until what? another fun night out? and then what? i felt a bit like his agony aunt last night rather than a potential new girlfriend...
Midnight Rider Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 ...but there was no sense that he wanted to kiss me or cuddle or any body language to suggest he fancied me still - you know when you can just tell?? Maybe he was trying to behave, to set a good impression so that you wouldn't think he was coming on too fast. I think the guy has been studying how to get your ex back, and maybe he is playing along some kind of rules he thinks might win you over i dunno. great night yes. but where does it go? where do i go? what happens now? we carry on emailing until what? another fun night out? and then what? The fact he has been in so much contact, shows he misses you and is in need of your companionship. I think he wants to get back together with you but trying to give you some space. Why don't you just ask him what his intentions are? Then you can better decide what you want to do. Of course it all depends if you see a future between you and this guy... and I think a part of you certainly does otherwise a) you wouldn't have met up with him and b) you wouldn't have had such a terrific time. PS: I just noticed the time... aren't we both up late?!?
Author cypresa Posted November 27, 2009 Author Posted November 27, 2009 i've had all day to think about it. And i am still more confused then ever. it's like he misses me, loves spending time with me, we have a blast when we're together but he doesn't seem to want to make a move to start again. Maybe he just doesn't love me but i honestly don't think that is the case. i don't know what to do. I'm not upset or anything but i just don't know what my next move is. or maybe there isn't a 'next move'. Thoughts anyone? x
Author cypresa Posted November 27, 2009 Author Posted November 27, 2009 well i think i just got my answer. He just emailed saying it was a great night but was suffering all day (hangover!) but then said "Thank you for letting me drone on about all my ****, it was indeed like old times and I miss those days as well. I am so pleased we could still hang out like that." so that is how he see's it. Friends and that is it.
Midnight Rider Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 I am starting to see your point. Let me ask you - do you want to get back together with him?
threebyfate Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 well i think i just got my answer. He just emailed saying it was a great night but was suffering all day (hangover!) but then said "Thank you for letting me drone on about all my ****, it was indeed like old times and I miss those days as well. I am so pleased we could still hang out like that." so that is how he see's it. Friends and that is it. While he's thanking you for being there for him, he's not interested in being there for YOU. Even as a friend, it would be an unequal friendship. This is all about him.
Author cypresa Posted November 27, 2009 Author Posted November 27, 2009 well he did then go on to say in his email that he had spent some of today watching all my work online and he commented on it all and said how great it was... so.. i guess that is nice... but yes Midnight Rider, i do want to get back with him, i still love him. But i think i need to face facts. Which is if he wanted me back he would vocalise it. He hasn't so he must not be thinking about it at all.
love_confusion Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 I would just come out and ask him. Hopefully, he will be able to give you an up front, honest answer. Unless he's like my ex who waited more than 2 months to answer me when I asked if he wanted to get back together with me. You'll never be able to let go until you know for sure. This coming from someone who still can't let go...lol! So, yeah, asking him where things are going would be my advice. Maybe you'll be surprised by his answer
ADF Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 No man on earth would behave the way your ex is behaving unless he was trying to get back together with you. No ma'am. Sorry, but why are some women so naive about this stuff? Anyway, it sounds like you wanted a commitment and he wasn't willing to make one. What you need to find out right away is if his views on that have changed. Otherwise, what's the point?
love_confusion Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 No man on earth would behave the way your ex is behaving unless he was trying to get back together with you. No ma'am. Sorry, but why are some women so naive about this stuff? Anyway, it sounds like you wanted a commitment and he wasn't willing to make one. What you need to find out right away is if his views on that have changed. Otherwise, what's the point? Wouldn't it just be easier to come out and tell someone they want to get back together? Maybe women are naïve about that kind of thing, but that's because some men play games and it's difficult to know what they want.
mimiminx Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Oh boy... I've learned alot in the past few months...The fact that he is at all talking to you, even if it's just "thanks for listening to me drone on..." come on girlfriend... I've been where you're at, and I know it's really frustrating. In hindsight, I can say that I was naive too. You must take a step back and stay there! Take my advice or not, I think the only way this guy's going to get off the fence is if you show him what he stands to lose. It's hard but if you want him believe me, it's worth it in the long run, for you at least.
Author cypresa Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 ok Miniminx. i'm going to follow your advice. i need to turn the corner whatever lies around it. very diffilcut telling him though! how do i do that? we've been working hard on being friends... so how do i put a stop to it? miniminx what did you do? he texted me over the weekend to tell me he got a call from a video rental place saying i hadn't returned a dvd i hired!! oops. his number was still on our video rental card! i replied telling him i was so sorry for that and i had now deleted his number on the account (and nothing more in the text). he texts back with some kind of joke - and normally i would love the start to the banter.. but this time i didn't text back. At all... so maybe i should go about it this way? not returning his jokey texts/emails etc. he'll get the message pretty soon. I'll disappear from his life i think... but with better news...i had a second date with the guy from last week and it was fantastic! i mean i think i really like him. early days of course. and i'm not jumping into anything but dating is keeping my mind off my ex. A good thing i think!! xx ps: thanks everyone for replying with your advice... it's been really helpful and i appreciate it more than anything.
Author cypresa Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 he's just invited me to his big 35th birthday party on Saturday. i went out with him for nearly 3 years so to see all his friends will be slightly odd. will other people think it's odd that i'm there? what to do with that i have no idea! should i go?
Midnight Rider Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Didn't you just say you want to get him out of your life? I am totally confused. At one point it sounds like you are interested and want him back, then you are talking about getting him out of your life. Do you even know what you want?
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