Author cypresa Posted December 1, 2009 Author Share Posted December 1, 2009 no i'm not confused. I don't want him out of my life - but by pushing him out of my life might be the only way he will realise what he has lost and want me back properly... instead of just as friends.... have you read Miniminx's advice? that is what happened to her... you have to somehow get them off that boring ol fence. you know the saying "you don't know what you've got until it's gone"??? Link to post Share on other sites
Midnight Rider Posted December 1, 2009 Share Posted December 1, 2009 Ok, I see where you're going with this. Yeah, maybe that will work too. But it's sort of a game and a roundabout way of doing it. You should just be direct with him and get some answers. If he doesn't want you now, then you will likely become disinterested in him and naturally back off (thus he will realize what he lost). I think it's better to do it this way, than to pretend for now you want him out of your life. It will be harder that way. Link to post Share on other sites
mmk1 Posted December 1, 2009 Share Posted December 1, 2009 I would not go to the party. It will confirm that you are fine with being just friends, which you are not. Link to post Share on other sites
Midnight Rider Posted December 1, 2009 Share Posted December 1, 2009 I would not go to the party. It will confirm that you are fine with being just friends, which you are not. I agree. Plus it will be weird being surrounded by all the old acquaintances. Link to post Share on other sites
love_confusion Posted December 1, 2009 Share Posted December 1, 2009 I was going to suggest going to the party, but I just saw the two posts above me suggested otherwise. Anyway, if it were me, I'd go. Maybe you'll find out what his intentions are based on his actions at the party and how he treats you there. If you don't go to the party, he might think you don't want any kind of relationship with him at all. It's kind of a catch 22. If things aren't going well, you can always say you have other plans and can't stay that long. Just remember, everyone's situation is different, and what worked for one person might not work for another. Do what you feel is right. After all, you know him best! Link to post Share on other sites
mimiminx Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 (edited) Hi Cypresa, This will be a long post since I can relate to a lot of what you are talking about... Ok.. he invited you to his party. That is a very good sign. The fact that he wants you around and is comfortable with you being there with his friends is definitely pointing in the direction that he is interested in you. He IS on the fence. Someone told me when I was going through this limbo myself that the only way he's going to get off the fence is if you start a fire under it. One way or the other... either you can move on without him or get back together... AND the best part about that is that you'll actually have more to bring to the table this time around. Now's the time to work on that independence...I would NOT go to his party. Why? Because it shows him that you are ok with this indecisiveness and noncommitment from him. Or at least TELL him that you won't be coming, since he will be asking you about it in the next few days.. you never know what could transpire in the next few days. If I were you I would tell him exactly this: "I would love to come but I don't think it's appropriate because we broke up and I'm not ok with just being friends with you." By telling him this you are making it clear to him that you want more than a friendship with him. You mentioned that you didn't reply to him this last time.. this was tricky for me too because we'd be talking, and then all of a sudden I would go through periods of flat out ignoring all his attempts.. I know it's difficult because you HAVE been talking (and meeting), it wouldn't make much sense to disappear off the face of the planet suddenly. What I did was tell him that I was not ok with a friendship (which is not what we had.. I meant I was not ok with not being with him and still talking). I said I need to move on with my life..maybe we can talk in the future, but for now I need to take a step back. That was basically the jist of it. I think to NOT say anything and just slink away wouldn't get the point across as strongly (in my case anyway). Also, if I can suggest something else: deactivate your FB or Myspace if you have it for awhile. When I did this in combination with having THE conversation with my guy, he panicked. As he told me later, he admitted to checking my FB "5 times a day" to see what I wrote, my activity, I'm sure checking to see any new friends, etc. He would comment or "like" almost everything I wrote, he would post pictures of us, send me private messages, try to chat with me. I ignored him about 90% of the time. You want him to panic. You want him to be faced with what it is like to not have you in his life! The old saying is true: you don't know what you've got till its gone, and even if you have to play a little game to get what you want, if he's worth it to you.. you can make the sacrifice of not going to his party and ceasing this silly communication with him that is going nowhere. I think the fact that you are going on dates with someone else right now is excellent. Obviously you're not interested in moving on, but let's be honest.. it is nice to get the attention when you're not getting it from the man you want. Just curious... has he ever asked you if you're seeing anyone else? Mine did.. and I certainly wasn't and had absolutely no interest in dating anyone but him. (I didn't tell him the last part though, I just said no!) I ask because from what I've learned and observed about men is that when they know that they are in competition, watch out! It really is predictable. Tell him you can't go to his party. I know you really want to and you think that if you go you might have a better shot at getting under his skin and it will bring you closer to a reconciliation. In my experience, the OPPOSITE of what you think will work, works. Good luck hon. Edited December 2, 2009 by mimiminx Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 yeah my worry is we'll meet - it'll be great - then we'll carry on emailing each other... and then what?! feels like it could go on forever - with no movement. This is why you set limitations for what YOU will accept. Yes it could go on forever and probably will - as long as you let it. Right now he gets all the benefit of access to you - but without having to make any sort of commitment. So why would he? How can he miss what he still has? How can he evaluate his life without you when you are still in it? Yep. He can't and doesn't have to. In these cases you ALWAYS go NC. It is best if you do so immediately. So you should as soon as you can. And the ONLY explanation you give is that it is unhealthy and prevents you from moving on to have contact with him. Wish him well and that is IT. No discussion and that is all the info he gets. He lost the privilege of knowing all when he broke it off. Link to post Share on other sites
love_confusion Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 This is why you set limitations for what YOU will accept. Yes it could go on forever and probably will - as long as you let it. Right now he gets all the benefit of access to you - but without having to make any sort of commitment. So why would he? How can he miss what he still has? How can he evaluate his life without you when you are still in it? Yep. He can't and doesn't have to. In these cases you ALWAYS go NC. It is best if you do so immediately. So you should as soon as you can. And the ONLY explanation you give is that it is unhealthy and prevents you from moving on to have contact with him. Wish him well and that is IT. No discussion and that is all the info he gets. He lost the privilege of knowing all when he broke it off. Actually, that's really good advice! I take back my previous post! Too bad I didn't read this advice in the summer; it would've save me many tears and months of frustration and confusion. My ex (although the situation is a little different because I broke up with him) never had a chance to miss me. I was always there trying to make up for my mistake...I gave him control over me because I felt bad about what happened and he knew it. He said jump and I jumped. That's never a good situation to be in. I'm learning this now...better late than never I guess. If you're not happy with being his friend, then don't be. This is about you and what you're happy with...not trying to make him happy by giving him what he wants. If he truly cares about you, he should be honest with his intentions and not string you along. Link to post Share on other sites
TuesGirl Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 Cypresa, I think you should definitely set some boundaries and like Mimiminx said, 'do the opposite' bc I think it will give a more favorable reaction, if he is into you. If you don't get that reaction, then you'll know that he isn't sure. I just went through an interesting email exchange with my ex the last 2 days in which I stated that I needed to cease communication bc the friendly/flirty bantering was holding me back from moving on. (BTW, 'thanks' Mimiminx for giving me the courage!) I knew that it was something I had to do and I actually was just getting exhausted and frustrated with trying to figure out what the hidden meaning was behind each of his carefully calculated messages. And as a good friend of mine said, "what do you have to lose?" So of course, he emailed back with the same 'woe is me, I miss hanging out with you, my life is pathetic' type message that he emailed last week, while I was out of the country ("Thanksgiving just won't be the same this year, solo :(" ), and I just said, "look, if you love me and miss me so much, you can fix this, and the ball is in your court, but for now, I am moving on bc your emails frustrate me and I don't know what you're fishing for". At any rate, I guess the point of this is to say that I feel empowered now. I have laid it on the line, for better or worse, and I will know my answer, I am sure, in a short while. It just seemed like before I was grasping at straws...ANY sign was interpreted and now I know I have said what I needed to say and I can get on with my life while he mulls it over. It was scary as hell to do, I'm not going to lie But I think you need to do something similar so that you can get to his true intentions and not act as 'friends' if that's not what you want. Good Luck! TuesGirl Link to post Share on other sites
Midnight Rider Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 Way too much girly analysis going on here. Just have a talk with the guy and get it done with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cypresa Posted December 4, 2009 Author Share Posted December 4, 2009 So... you are all going to get annoyed with me (especially Miniminx). but i've said yes to the party. i know. i know. it's very tricky. it's going to be a good party! but i dunno something inside me is telling me to go. i am still confused as to why he has invited me - cause i am sure my presence at the party will cause lots of people to talk. but i think he just wants me there and hasn't given that much thought or analysis (like girls would do!) - our mututal good friend - (his best friend really but i love him to bits too and see him loads too) is over the moon that i'm going. i think he feels a little relief to to be honest. so am taking some girlie friends with me as support. will keep you all posted on how it goes! one thing is sure - i'm not going to stay to the end of the night.... just for a few hours and then leave him to it... xx Link to post Share on other sites
mmk1 Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 Look, I dont care if the party is at PDiddy's house, do not go. It won't matter how many friends you bring with, when he treats you like just of the other guests rather than as his GF, you will go home heartbroken, kicking yourself for going. What you will find is that where before he carried you around with him as someone special, he has now put you back on the shelf with his other friends and your special membership is revoked. This will become painfully clear at the party when you expect he will treat you as someone special, because he will not! Talk to him and make sure he knows you want to reconcile and do so before the party. If you already have told him this, do not do it again, the ball is in his court. If you already told you no, believe him and move on! Link to post Share on other sites
Author cypresa Posted December 6, 2009 Author Share Posted December 6, 2009 I know you all told me not to go... But i went. Turned up late with girlie friends - looking as good as i'm ever going to look.. (i think anyway! had lots of looks and guys who didn't know who i was trying to chat me up - one of them even said to me "what would you do right now if i tried to kiss you" i said umm. that might not be a wise move..! haha) had amazing night. all his friends were so happy to see me. Plus his sister was there and said to me 'why can't you and x get married!!' she told me how her mum cried when we split up (so sweet!) had good chat with the ex and then we didn't speak much for the rest of the night... he didn't chat with any girls - and his eyes were on me the whole time. then i left after 2 hours before the night finished.. Didn't say goodbye just slipped away. i know it was probably unwise to go but at least now he has the memory of me looking great and having lots of fun. a good place to leave things i think... Link to post Share on other sites
TuesGirl Posted December 6, 2009 Share Posted December 6, 2009 Cypresa, I'm glad it went so well for you. i was undecided about whether you should go or not, but I think it turned out the best it could. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author cypresa Posted December 6, 2009 Author Share Posted December 6, 2009 thanks Tuesgirl. all my friends didn't think i should go either! i am now officially in NC. because it's time for to him to get off that damn fence. whichever way it goes. if he contacts me again then i will tell him in an email that i am taking a step back from him because i am not moving on properly. like what you did. How did that go by the way? any response yet?? it might take time for it to sink in properly... x Link to post Share on other sites
TuesGirl Posted December 6, 2009 Share Posted December 6, 2009 So, I haven't heard from him after his last 'woe is me, I'm sorry' email. (I didn't respond). I actually feel slightly less-burdened bc I KNOW he won't be texting me for some while (he's stubborn as an A$$), so I am not contstantly checking my phone and/or email. Surprisingly, I did get a Facebook message from his sister, who is moving to Denver in less than a month, about how she wants to hang out when she gets here (I had offered to introduce her to my circle of female friends before I broke things off). She mentioned how much she misses me (?) and how much she likes me better than her brother anyways, bc he's 'dumb'. I didn't entertain those sentiments from her. Just basically replied that I would definitely help her out when she got here and wished her good luck with the move. I have read that the peak of loneliness occurs 3 weeks into NC and I know that this isn't easy for him, just bc..., he's never been in a relationship that was so serious before (luckily or unluckily, I have dealt with a serious breakup before, so I kind of know the 'ropes' so-to-speak). I maintain that I have done the right thing despite the outcome. He clearly knows that the ball is in his court and if he pisses that opportunity away, so be it. I am in the process of meeting new guys and spending loads of time with my siblings and girlfriends (and um, posting about how wonderful my life is on FB so his sister and mutual friends can see...yea, I know, slightly passive-aggressive, but whatever). It's been nearly one week NC. Feeling strong, but I am not dumb enough to think that that feeling could vanish in a second. I think 'disappearing' and going NC could be an interesting experiment in your case. I mean you put yourself out there by showing up to the party, now it's his turn to stick his neck out. And, yea, he needs to get off the fence so you can either move on with him or without him. It's scary, I know :/ Hang in there chica and keep me updated. TuesGirl P.S. when in doubt, red wine helps Link to post Share on other sites
Author cypresa Posted January 18, 2010 Author Share Posted January 18, 2010 so it's been awhile since i've updated.... i kinda disappeared on him (as in no email/texts etc) - then i bumped into him in the street (how random?! well it is if you know London!) - which was nice but brief. and then i think, it's time to move on. He then texts me on christmas day twice. saying merry christmas to me and my family. i text briefly back and then leave it. He then texts on New years day to say happy new years. Note that, this is the day that would have been our 3 year aniversary..... very insensitive to text me no?!!! I was away so didn't text him back for 7 days. i then text him back saying i was away and then he texts me saying lets meet up when i'm back... you know i am still utterly confused. It's been 9 months since we split and he's texting me still.... i know he's not met someone significant. but i just can't help feeling that he still doesn't know what he wants... what to do? nothing? It's difficult for me because he's in the public life - so i can see what's he up to just by googling him. Makes it tough to move on if i'm honest.... i'm not going to contact him again - no worries about that - but if he texts me again asking to meet up. Do i meet him? should i still be asking this question??!!! IT'S BEEN 9 MONTHS.... I should be over him by now, no??! x Link to post Share on other sites
littlebittle Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 i think at this point you need to talk to him. tell him his behavior is frustrating and confusing, and that you can't move on when he is still contacting you. this isn't fair to you, it just sounds sort of stressful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cypresa Posted January 19, 2010 Author Share Posted January 19, 2010 yeah i guess you're right. Although if I say that to him that means I won't have him in my life at all. i guess it's time to face the truth that i can't have him in my life at all and move on. Horrible. Link to post Share on other sites
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