cypresa Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 So we split up amicably 7 months ago. NC, then LC, then NC by me, then back to LC (all by email and text) then we met up for a catch up lunch 4 weeks ago which was amazing. Then we started having more email chat. and now we are meeting up for a drink and a catch up again. With him emailing me every day and me emailing back (just funny banter - and asking what i'm up to etc). Is this normal for an ex to do? He dumped me because he couldn't commit (couldn't face living together) - we are in our early 30's and had a great 3 year relationship. Guys out there... would you email your ex every day if you weren't thinking about them as more than a friend?? My ex isn't big on email with other people... I know he doesn't email his friends that often... what do you guys think? am i reading too much into this? Should i stop the communication? I do want him to want me back but as more than friends...
Taucher Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Weeeeell, you say that he could not commit. If that is the only reason that you two split up then it makes sense that he is contacting you and is happy to meet up etc. Because there is less need to commit now. The dangers of this are:- 1) You are being a little bit of a doormat (no offence). He ends it with you cos he cannot commit so you have basically allowed this to happen. THe relationship is now completely on his terms. 2)This problem will not go away unless he wants it to go away and he tries to fix it. The pressure is off him now, and you two may get closer. Thats great, until you want to move the relationship So no, it's not really normal as such to email this much when he has broken up with you. I would say go NC, make him think. You two might have a future together, but you might have a successful future together if he sorts out his issues. T
HeavenOrHell Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 It sounds like there is hope. My ex has wanted to see me once or twice a week since we split, just as friends, but he doesn't e-mail every day or text. He did say he'd like to see me every day and phone a lot but that he doesn't as it wouldn't be good for me (he left me). Your situation sounds hopeful
Author cypresa Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 thanks for your replies guys... Taucher, after i see him do i just go NC or do i tell him i'm going NC. am a little confused about how to go about it. or the best way. we are on good terms so for me to just ignore him would be very odd! Also Taucher - i did say to him that i couldn't carry on with our relationship if he couldn't commit (before he dumped me) so i do feel like i was setting out my terms and he couldn't give me what i needed - rather than me be a doormat! but i do know where you're coming from! haha. yeah my worry is we'll meet - it'll be great - then we'll carry on emailing each other... and then what?! feels like it could go on forever - with no movement. He's got to make the first move right?
jerseyboy Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 I must be the only person in the world, judging from these forums, who actualy tells people Im involved with what Im thinking:) Why not just ask him why, and tell him to be honest, because you wont ask twice.
Beeotch Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 So we split up amicably 7 months ago. NC, then LC, then NC by me, then back to LC (all by email and text) then we met up for a catch up lunch 4 weeks ago which was amazing. Then we started having more email chat. and now we are meeting up for a drink and a catch up again. With him emailing me every day and me emailing back (just funny banter - and asking what i'm up to etc). Is this normal for an ex to do? He dumped me because he couldn't commit (couldn't face living together) - we are in our early 30's and had a great 3 year relationship. Guys out there... would you email your ex every day if you weren't thinking about them as more than a friend?? My ex isn't big on email with other people... I know he doesn't email his friends that often... what do you guys think? am i reading too much into this? Should i stop the communication? I do want him to want me back but as more than friends... Your guess is as good or actually better than ours.... We don't know him and you do...this helps you to be a judge of his behavior better than we are. It is easier for you to be more accurate about the meaning of his actions. My ex started contacting me a lot...and he had a gf...I felt it was weird and meant more than friendly catch up...and then 3 days ago I found out I was in fact correct. So trust your intuition about it.
parmaker14 Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Guys out there... would you email your ex every day if you weren't thinking about them as more than a friend?? My ex isn't big on email with other people... I know he doesn't email his friends that often... what do you guys think? am i reading too much into this? Should i stop the communication? I do want him to want me back but as more than friends... I would not email an EX every day unless I wanted to be more than a friend. I have lots of friends and I don't email them every day, it sounds like your ex is the same way. He wants you back but it may be on his terms not yours. Be careful. Be honest with him, ask him why he feels the need to contact you every day. Watch out for yourself, it you're ok with the contact then go for it. If you want this guy to commit then tell him you're not comfortable with the contact. It may make him want you even more if he can't contact you all the time. We guys want more what we think we can't have.
threebyfate Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Classic, so classic. Is this what you want, Cypresa? Just an email buddy, getting strung along since you still have feelings for him? If not, don't play. If you want something more from him, ask for it and if he won't meet your needs, better to sever this sooner, rather than waste any more of your time. If you're happy having an email friendship, it's all good!
Author cypresa Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 well good point! i don't want to be strung along and of course i don't want to be just email buddies (although it is comforting him being there) - but we are meeting for a drink next week. i just don't know how to go about asking for what i want after 7 months! And rejection is never easy to take... what happens if he doesn't know? i can tell he misses me and wants contact but that doesn't mean he knows whether he wants to start again.
TuesGirl Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Cypresa ~ Wow, you are seriously living my life...I don't want to hijack your thread at all, but just let you know I am going through something so similar and want to give you a virtual "I know what you mean" hug! (similar age, similar reason for breakup, and good GOD, he won't stop contacting me about mundane things, or lingering when he comes to my house to take the dogs for the weekend...I have decided to call it passive aggressive flirting. Been broke up for 2.5 months). He also seems like a wide-eyed deer in the headlights when he sees me, like he's just totally l.o.s.t. Anyways, I am going to be out of the country next week, so I hope 9 days of NC (bc he just WON'T be able to reach me) will shake him. I've never told him I'm going NC, I just did it, and he lasted 4 days at the longest, then I got some lame text about how he was "thinking about the dogs....hoping they're doing well". Yea right. Anyways, I am fervently following your thread for some great LS advice bc as my friend says "Everyone knows what he should do, except for him". Good luck!
j_cali_man Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Wow..as a guy my feeling is that he is realizing straight up that he mucked up and blew it in round one of your relationship. Since he is doing the chasing so to speak (and is interested) put his feet to the fire and just have a heart to heart. Intially, everything is like the honeymoon all over again but your heart is no playground for him to romp around with that has NO boundaries. So, ask him. Make some rules on how round two will be for you. Make him earn the trust back and if committment was the issue initially (which he clearly knows) then it should be a topic that HE is bringing up constantly. If not, then he's hoping you'll get over the whole "committment thing" and let things be nice and comfy again. Then its emotional h*ll for you all over again. Not fun. Set some rules. You have the power so to speak. Use it. J
Author cypresa Posted November 19, 2009 Author Posted November 19, 2009 ohmygod. Tuesgirl!!!! that is exactly what he is like!!! it's like he's lost. Like he is in a world where he doesn't know the rules anymore.....so doesn't know what he should be doing. But of course i truly think he doesn't know what he wants. My mum has been saying - he clearly has feelings for you but just doesn't know how to express them or deal with them in the real world! (he is not very good with emotion or expressing how he feels. He is very english in that way.) it's like he's not connecting the fact that he always wants to know how i am and have contact with the fact he still cares for me. I want to bang him over the head to drum some sense into him. But i think he has to figure it out for himself. Or do i need to give him a push in the right direction? tuesgirl please keep me up to date with how you're doing. maybe you should suggest to him a catch-up lunch and see how that goes??? x
mimiminx Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Cypresa, I remember thinking the same thing as you: Is this normal that he's contacting me daily?! Initially, it started out maybe a couple times a week, then it increasingly got more frequent and became more intimate on his part. He'd spend hours on the phone with me, he'd call late at night, he'd comment on my Facebook daily. I was in your shoes and the same thoughts went through my head: he wouldn't do this to a friend. He wouldn't tell his friend "I miss you, I love you". I also got into the trap of maintaining the contact with him, although I have to say he initiated it 98% of the time we were apart. It was easy to do because I thought if I kept in contact, he wouldn't forget about me or something, and we were still on very good terms. I couldn't stand the fact of us just being friends, but I was hoping that we would become more than friends again if I kept in communication. It was very hard to finally let go, but once I did, EVERYTHING changed. You REALLY need to cut him off now. He doesn't have to commit to anything right now with you, so of course it's easy for him to keep in touch. He IS definitely interested, so if you back off don't worry! His feelings for you will NOT go away if you start moving on with your life.and stop being "friends".. I promise you. My absolute best advice I can give you is TELL him that you cannot have this contact anymore, you are trying to move on. (Well, aren't you? You can't wait around forever for him to snap out of this, right?!) Tell him calmly and sincerely that you think it would be best that you take a step back, maybe you can be friends in the future, but right now you need to focus on yourself. Be honest about your feelings. If anything, this will be the push in the direction you want things to go. I felt the same way, "i just want to shake him and knock some sense into his thick head" And me telling him that I wanted to cease communication was what it took. He even told me that! It was difficult, but I knew that once I cut the ties with him, something good would come of it. Either I would move on, or it would light a fire under him. The latter happened, and very quickly after. Just my experience... and to be honest, it's almost predictable if you think about it!
sean1970 Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Cypresa, I remember thinking the same thing as you: Is this normal that he's contacting me daily?! Initially, it started out maybe a couple times a week, then it increasingly got more frequent and became more intimate on his part. He'd spend hours on the phone with me, he'd call late at night, he'd comment on my Facebook daily. I was in your shoes and the same thoughts went through my head: he wouldn't do this to a friend. He wouldn't tell his friend "I miss you, I love you". I also got into the trap of maintaining the contact with him, although I have to say he initiated it 98% of the time we were apart. It was easy to do because I thought if I kept in contact, he wouldn't forget about me or something, and we were still on very good terms. I couldn't stand the fact of us just being friends, but I was hoping that we would become more than friends again if I kept in communication. It was very hard to finally let go, but once I did, EVERYTHING changed. You REALLY need to cut him off now. He doesn't have to commit to anything right now with you, so of course it's easy for him to keep in touch. He IS definitely interested, so if you back off don't worry! His feelings for you will NOT go away if you start moving on with your life.and stop being "friends".. I promise you. My absolute best advice I can give you is TELL him that you cannot have this contact anymore, you are trying to move on. (Well, aren't you? You can't wait around forever for him to snap out of this, right?!) Tell him calmly and sincerely that you think it would be best that you take a step back, maybe you can be friends in the future, but right now you need to focus on yourself. Be honest about your feelings. If anything, this will be the push in the direction you want things to go. I felt the same way, "i just want to shake him and knock some sense into his thick head" And me telling him that I wanted to cease communication was what it took. He even told me that! It was difficult, but I knew that once I cut the ties with him, something good would come of it. Either I would move on, or it would light a fire under him. The latter happened, and very quickly after. Just my experience... and to be honest, it's almost predictable if you think about it! mimiminx, did you get back with your ex?
torranceshipman Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Maybe he's enjoying what he thinks is a friendship now?
Midnight Rider Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Is this normal for an ex to do? He dumped me because he couldn't commit (couldn't face living together) - we are in our early 30's and had a great 3 year relationship. Your ex wants to get back together with you, definitely. This is exactly how I acted with my ex wife because I was trying really hard to reconcile and get back together. If you still love him, and want to get back, then this is your opportunity. This guy really loves you, and he is thinking about you all the time.
TuesGirl Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 My mum has been saying - he clearly has feelings for you but just doesn't know how to express them or deal with them in the real world! (he is not very good with emotion or expressing how he feels. He is very english in that way.) it's like he's not connecting the fact that he always wants to know how i am and have contact with the fact he still cares for me. I want to bang him over the head to drum some sense into him. But i think he has to figure it out for himself. Or do i need to give him a push in the right direction? tuesgirl please keep me up to date with how you're doing. maybe you should suggest to him a catch-up lunch and see how that goes??? And your mom sounds like mine too...ahhhh.... I, too, keep falling into that trap of wanting to remind him of how wonderful I am, and have done a fantasic job of being in a GREAT mood every time I see him (then sometimes I cry later, buuuut...haha). We actually had a 2 hour conversation last week when he came over to pick up the dogs for the weekend. It was awesome, just talking and catching up on almost 3 months of 'stuff', and he was completely lingering (and drunk texted me later about how I probably have been on so many dates now but he is going to bed all alone with the dogs)....but I am hesitant to steer the conversation into any arenas of seriousness. I feel like he has to come to me with any relationship talk, even though it is super frustrating. He knows what I want and I am pretty sure he is aware of the fact that I didn't 'want' to break up, but had to because he said he didn't think he was going to marry me. And reading posts like mimiminx's just confirms my thoughts. So I think that's my next step. Just tell him that I can't keep this up and need some space to move on. And maybe a frying pan to beat him over the head with...haha At any rate, I am in your corner, and also keep me updated. It will be interesting to see how this unfolds...
mimiminx Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 mimiminx, did you get back with your ex? Yes I did..
TheLoneSock Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 So we split up amicably 7 months ago. NC, then LC, then NC by me, then back to LC (all by email and text) then we met up for a catch up lunch 4 weeks ago which was amazing. Then we started having more email chat. and now we are meeting up for a drink and a catch up again. With him emailing me every day and me emailing back (just funny banter - and asking what i'm up to etc). Is this normal for an ex to do? He dumped me because he couldn't commit (couldn't face living together) - we are in our early 30's and had a great 3 year relationship. Guys out there... would you email your ex every day if you weren't thinking about them as more than a friend?? My ex isn't big on email with other people... I know he doesn't email his friends that often... what do you guys think? am i reading too much into this? Should i stop the communication? I do want him to want me back but as more than friends... I have let a girl go before because I did not want to commit. In my experience, I still viewed her as attractive, cared about her, wouldn't MIND being with her, ect. But honestly, there was a reason I couldn't commit to her. I'll keep that reasoning to myself, but let's just say she wanted an official commitment from me when I was not in love with her. My .02 cents.
Author cypresa Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 Lonestock - i get your well made point but would you keep up contact after you finished that relationship? If you knew she wasn't someone you could love like that - would you still be emailing her every other day after 7 months of splitting up (including 4 months of NC)? wouldn't you have moved on by then?
TheLoneSock Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Lonestock - i get your well made point but would you keep up contact after you finished that relationship? If you knew she wasn't someone you could love like that - would you still be emailing her every other day after 7 months of splitting up (including 4 months of NC)? wouldn't you have moved on by then? It's admittedly different from a dumper's perspective. I didn't have the residual feeling of rejection like she did, so while it may have been very easy for me to contact her, who knows what it made her feel like. I had been in the dumpee's shoes before and I knew what it felt like, so I avoided contact with her - I didn't want to lead her on or make her think I was playing games with her. Grant it, I would have loved to keep talking to her, and she didn't ask me not to, but I just was just being respectful of her feelings. To her credit she did not call/text me either, she let it be. And then after a while of not talking I called her to apologize for hurting her, since I thought it was due. After that she hinted at meeting up for coffee and things but neither of us actually persued it. (meaning I was not interested, and she was not interested in chasing someone who wasn't interested) As far as your guy, the reasons for him dumping you aside - because they really don't matter - I think it's clear he wants something from you if he's starting up contact now after 7 months. He may be truely regretful and want you back, he may just be bored or lonely, he may just want sex. Your job is to figure out what he wants and see if it is acceptable to you or not. But my answer is no, I wouldn't be texting/emailing the girl in my situation every other day. If she were someone I felt I could love that way, I would not have avoided commitment in the first place.
trueblue72ny Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 (edited) would I email an ex gf everyday if I wasn’t thinking about them as more than a friend? NO. it means I want to get with them. The question you should be asking is how do they want to get with you… causal like a friend with benefits, or for real. Edited November 20, 2009 by trueblue72ny
melja Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 He is trying to find out if you are available. If you allow yourself to be too available now, he will take you for granted. You had 3 years together, he knows he wants you, now you need to take the game to a new level. One of my friends was in a similar situation, so she kept dating other guys while he was dithering. She would tell him "I'm going on a date with a guy I met on the ferry" for example, and pretty soon, he sold his house and gave up his job to move cities to where she was and to propose. They have been married 4 years now. Trust your worth, you are marriage material and he knows what he is buying. Don't worry about the moving in together step, that is a romance killer for most relationships anyway.
love_confusion Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 (edited) My ex does something similar and we still aren't back together. I broke up with him in January over a really stupid reason and then quickly realized I was wrong, apologized over and over again, but it wasn't enough. He told me he couldn't get over the fact I broke up with him and, therefore, we couldn't get back together. He did ask that we remain friends. I tried, but then in April sent him and e-mail telling him I couldn't do it and that if we couldn't be together, I couldn't be his friend. I wanted to move on from him. Cut to one week after the e-mail and he's asking to exhange naked pics of each other. Stupid as I am, I said okay... Well, here I am 7 months later and we still aren't back together. Up until the beginning of this month, we were still exchanging pics. We went out twice over the summer and he led me to believe we were getting back together. Whenever I asked him about our situation, he ignored me and would change the subject. In Sept., he finally told me that he still only wanted to be friends. I got upset and told him he shouldn't have led me on like he did. Didn't talk for a week and then the damn naked pics, texts, etc. started... AGAIN! In the beginning of this month I again told him I couldn't do this. Things since then have started to cool off and now we only talk once a week. It's definitely difficult! Actually, since we broke up in January, we haven't gone more than week without speaking to each other. Sometimes, we talk every day. To this day, I don't understand why he contacts me and sends me naked pics when he won't get back together with me. If I ask why he does what he does, he shuts me out. So, I finally gave up trying to get an answer. I understand where you're coming from. It's confusing trying to understand why someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship would keep talking to you. Very rarely have I ever continued contact with someone when a relationship ended. I just don't see the point. I really have no advice to give to you (and I'm probably not the best person to be giving any--lol!), but thought I'd share my story. It would be great if these guys could just get their acts together and make up their minds! It shouldn't be so confusing! Edited November 21, 2009 by love_confusion
Author cypresa Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 wow. Love-confusion. that sounds really tough! i don't think i could cope with that. Have you thought about cutting him off completely? sounds like you're not moving on and you've asked him and he's has been honest about not wanting you in his life as a girlfriend... perhaps you need to face that? I know it's really really hard! My ex and i are going for drinks this week and after i'm going to be the stronger person and ask him if wants to start over or not. If he's honest with me and say that he can't see us together but just as friends - then i'm going to say that i don't think it's that wise for the time being.... In fact not for a long while (until i've met someone else ha!). It's not good for either of us.
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