Template Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 It's been a long while since my breakup, and I've had good days, bad days, and great days. The good thing is that at least the bad days are coming fewer and fewer more frequently. Throughout the whole process of grieving, I like most of us concentrated on the sadness and anger that our exes put upon us. I blamed everything on the ex. I've often told myself, that I'm a great guy, I've done this for her, provided for her in this way, and dedicated my life to her, and trying to ensure her happiness. In return I just wanted a simple reciprocation. Don't we all deserve that. I know I should have gotten over her a long time ago, and it frustrated me as to why I simply couldn't. I'm not here to change people, and I can accept people for generally who they are. So why couldn't I get over this one? It took me a long time, but I've predicated my life in trying to make other people happy. I've misled myself to believe, that I'm happy when the other person is happy. My own selflessness led to my own downfall, and after MUCH though (a couple months at least), I've finally realized why I couldn't get over this one; and truth be told, there are still very painful remnants. I believe the reason I'm still angry, and depressed, and frustrated, etc. is that I'm really angry at MYSELF. I am angry because against the advice of my friends (they knew what type of person she was), I still tried to make the relationship work. I am angry because I ignored my own instincts, I've disregarded it, and still tried to make it work. And even though, it was clear that (regardless of the reason), she didn't make an attempt to make the relationship work, I still tried. And most importantly, when I knew in my heart of hearts, no matter what I did, and no matter how unhappy I was in trying to make her happy, I didn't have the courage to break it off myself. There were moments in which I've known and said to myself, "I'm not happy in this relationship, I think we should break up." But I've never been a quitter. I foolishly kept convincing myself, I can make this work. Truth be told, it takes two people to work at making a relationship work, and maybe it's my ego, or stubbornness or both, that kept on trying and trying, even though it was clear that she had to intention of putting in the work, or maybe even loved me at all. My subconscious knew I deserved better, that my conscious didn't want to. It's ME that I was frustrated on, and couldn't get over, and I focused my stress, and anxiety on the wrong focal point. I kept emotionally investing in a love stock, that I knew wouldn't yield any returns. And when it crashed, I blamed it on the stock, and not my bad decisions. If I just manned up, and broke up with her when I should have, then mentally I wouldn't have been so messed up today. So why am I writing this. To be honest, just for cathartic therapy. Maybe, just maybe, some of us follow LSers, are in the same situation, and hopefully I've opened up some eyes on where to properly focus our healing. Because of this eye-opener, I know I cannot trust myself, which hinders my ability to trust others. I betrayed myself. How can I move on, and give/receive true love, if I cannot have trust. At least now the slate is clean, and I can rebuild and renew my own self-relationship.
JaggedRoad Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 How long has it been? Your profile says you joined in May of 2008, but I don't want to assume that's when it happened. I share your frustration. There were times when I was unhappy with the way things were going in my relationship and I just kept going. I was afraid of letting go because I knew I genuinely loved her. And instead of being assertive, I acted out by doing other things that destroyed the relationship. I know now that my inability to move on is due to my own self-loathing and resentment. It's not a fun thing to accept. Was your ex the stubborn type that often resorted to silent treatments?
Author Template Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 Did we date the same person? LOL To answer your question, yes she was. She had a "hard time discussing the hard topics." Umm, what's so hard with answering the question, "Why do you love me?" She clearly wasn't the person that I thought she was, or put her on the pedestal to be. I refused to admit, that this person was the person was the person she really was. I kept on idolizing what I thought she was, and justifying why she is the way she is. When her true character came out, I was in denial.
Bulldozed Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Thank you, thank you! You brilliantly expressed everything that I've felt but was unable to acknowledge, as I've been beating myself up over the shoulda, coulda and woulda's. There were times I had the same doubts, in fact, the week prior to us splitting (end of August) I was bound and determined to end it with her. However, rather than acknowledge my instincts, when I was with her, I simply believed we could work through whatever was effecting our relationship, namely her inability to communicate. The primary cause in my opinion, was her inability to really discuss "real" relationship issues. Based on her history, none of her relationships last that long. She was married twice, and both combined lasted less than our 2 yrs together. She used to always tell me, there's no fluff our relationship, we "just work" so well...I never did understand that statement? In my experience, all relationships early on are nothing but Fluff...once that newness and honeymoon phase is over, a couple is left with a real relationship, based on real communication, honesty and commitment. Like you, she could never communicate on the tough stuff in person, but instead, would lob emotional text grenades at me, and I sometimes perpetuated the cycle but more often than not, I would refuse to discuss our relationship in that manner. If you have less than 2 cents to say, texting is fine, but not on matters of the heart. In the end, she just checked out. At 41 yrs of age and countless failed marriages and relationships, you would think she would have learned that lesson by now?
Len Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Your original post could have come straight from my own mouth. She clearly wasn't the person that I thought she was, or put her on the pedestal to be. I refused to admit, that this person was the person she really was. I kept on idolizing what I thought she was, and justifying why she is the way she is. When her true character came out, I was in denial. It took a chance meeting ten years after she left for me to truly learn that. Even after I discovered all the bad she did I still made excuses for her and told people not to think ill of her. I would say you have seen the truth a lot quicker than I did. As for how to move on, you just do, there is nowhere else to go.
Author Template Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 I know this doesn't sound right, but I'm glad there are people out there sharing the same feelings I'm saying. It makes me feel that I'm not alone in feeling this way, and that I'm not an absolute loser for feeling so. That I'm not some cast off targeted specifically by god to have a ****ty life. It did feel good to get it off my chest, and felt even better, that maybe, just maybe, it may have helped some of you as well. I would say you have seen the truth a lot quicker than I did. I think I'm supremely lucky, as I could have gone on much longer focusing on the wrong things. I hope that others may be able to look on this and ask themselves "Where does the problem really lie?"
GrayClouds Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Pick up the book No More Mr Nice Guy While there is a bit of chest betting Cro-magnon to it, there is some good insight to it if your the type.
Author Template Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 Pick up the book No More Mr Nice Guy While there is a bit of chest betting Cro-magnon to it, there is some good insight to it if your the type. Actually, I did... A while back. It was a real eye-opener.
ans562 Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Thanks a lot. I was actually having a bad week this week and reading your post really helped. I was so close to contacting her. That would have been bad.
Author Template Posted November 19, 2009 Author Posted November 19, 2009 one quick question. was the poon any good? While I have to admit this made me chuckle I'm going to take the high road and not be "that guy". I'm not going to let her affect my quality of being.
Ronni_W Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 I believe the reason I'm still angry, and depressed, and frustrated, etc. is that I'm really angry at MYSELF. Templated, that is HUGE! You've obviously been doing a lot of serious self-reflection, inner/healing work, whatever you want to call it. Well done!!! Of course, it's okay to forgive yourself for all the crap that you did to yourself or, maybe more accurately, allowed to be done to you for whatever reason(s). As much as you did NOT deserve how she treated you, you DO deserve to be treated well by your Self...with kindness, understanding, compassion and forgiveness. Sometimes that's harder than giving all of that to others, and just beating up on the Self. Weird how it can work, really. In any event, again, congrats on your new insights...and best of luck with the next steps.
sean1970 Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 I kept emotionally investing in a love stock, that I knew wouldn't yield any returns. Fantastic post all around but this line really hit home. I would do more, be more, love more, as if by doing so, I was making a long term investment. It really still has me in a tough spot mentally. Should I have gotten up an hour before she did to start breakfast every weekend we were together (we lived 4 hours away)? Should I have packed her a meal before she left for the drive back home at 3:30 am? Should I have cooked dinner, did the dishes, then rubbed her feet after? Should I have actually chose to watch at least one Football game instead of shopping every Sunday with her? Should I have agreed to spend a series of weekends at her house, instead of mine, so we could put in countless hours into remodeling it? I guess I felt like I was putting these things into some kind of bank. That these things were love deposits that I could expect a handsome return on. Did I like doing for her; I did. Should I have done them all; I just don't know anymore... Very hard to reconcile where 'nice' ends and 'panzy' begins.
caramel c Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 It's been a long while since my breakup, and I've had good days, bad days, and great days. The good thing is that at least the bad days are coming fewer and fewer more frequently. Throughout the whole process of grieving, I like most of us concentrated on the sadness and anger that our exes put upon us. I blamed everything on the ex. I've often told myself, that I'm a great guy, I've done this for her, provided for her in this way, and dedicated my life to her, and trying to ensure her happiness. In return I just wanted a simple reciprocation. Don't we all deserve that. I know I should have gotten over her a long time ago, and it frustrated me as to why I simply couldn't. I'm not here to change people, and I can accept people for generally who they are. So why couldn't I get over this one? It took me a long time, but I've predicated my life in trying to make other people happy. I've misled myself to believe, that I'm happy when the other person is happy. My own selflessness led to my own downfall, and after MUCH though (a couple months at least), I've finally realized why I couldn't get over this one; and truth be told, there are still very painful remnants. I believe the reason I'm still angry, and depressed, and frustrated, etc. is that I'm really angry at MYSELF. I am angry because against the advice of my friends (they knew what type of person she was), I still tried to make the relationship work. I am angry because I ignored my own instincts, I've disregarded it, and still tried to make it work. And even though, it was clear that (regardless of the reason), she didn't make an attempt to make the relationship work, I still tried. And most importantly, when I knew in my heart of hearts, no matter what I did, and no matter how unhappy I was in trying to make her happy, I didn't have the courage to break it off myself. There were moments in which I've known and said to myself, "I'm not happy in this relationship, I think we should break up." But I've never been a quitter. I foolishly kept convincing myself, I can make this work. Truth be told, it takes two people to work at making a relationship work, and maybe it's my ego, or stubbornness or both, that kept on trying and trying, even though it was clear that she had to intention of putting in the work, or maybe even loved me at all. My subconscious knew I deserved better, that my conscious didn't want to. It's ME that I was frustrated on, and couldn't get over, and I focused my stress, and anxiety on the wrong focal point. I kept emotionally investing in a love stock, that I knew wouldn't yield any returns. And when it crashed, I blamed it on the stock, and not my bad decisions. If I just manned up, and broke up with her when I should have, then mentally I wouldn't have been so messed up today. So why am I writing this. To be honest, just for cathartic therapy. Maybe, just maybe, some of us follow LSers, are in the same situation, and hopefully I've opened up some eyes on where to properly focus our healing. Because of this eye-opener, I know I cannot trust myself, which hinders my ability to trust others. I betrayed myself. How can I move on, and give/receive true love, if I cannot have trust. At least now the slate is clean, and I can rebuild and renew my own self-relationship. You began moving on by identifying your shortcomings and now you can move forward by forgiving yourself first. Then, make it up to yourself by proving to yourself that you won't repeat the same mistakes.
RachLIVE Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 I clicked on this because the title is the exact sentance thats been in my mind for a while now. I'm terrible at expressing myself & your post is creeping me out lol because i've been searching for how to phrase certain things & here you have, typed everything just how it is in my head. It took me a long time, but I've predicated my life in trying to make other people happy. I've misled myself to believe, that I'm happy when the other person is happy. Something i'm currently working on. I have a deep fear of rejection which led me to be a 'people pleaser'. But infact I realised I was much happier when I was able to say 'no' & finally end eveything. I cannot trust myself, which hinders my ability to trust others. I betrayed myself. How can I move on, and give/receive true love, if I cannot have trust. Amen right here. Though not sure what I personally can do other than give it time? Just remember not to beat yourself up too much. If you hadn't tried & tried to make the relationship work you'd have been kicking yourself forever thinking about the "what if..". Keep your head high because it sounds like you did everything you could. Also, just a quick thanks for writing this
Author Template Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 Fantastic post all around but this line really hit home. I would do more, be more, love more, as if by doing so, I was making a long term investment. It really still has me in a tough spot mentally. Should I have gotten up an hour before she did to start breakfast every weekend we were together (we lived 4 hours away)? Should I have packed her a meal before she left for the drive back home at 3:30 am? Should I have cooked dinner, did the dishes, then rubbed her feet after? Should I have actually chose to watch at least one Football game instead of shopping every Sunday with her? Should I have agreed to spend a series of weekends at her house, instead of mine, so we could put in countless hours into remodeling it? I guess I felt like I was putting these things into some kind of bank. That these things were love deposits that I could expect a handsome return on. Did I like doing for her; I did. Should I have done them all; I just don't know anymore... Very hard to reconcile where 'nice' ends and 'panzy' begins. Yeah, that's rough man. I've gone through the same type of thinking. The only thing I can say is this: Did you purposely maliciously NOT do things? For instance, did you NOT get up to make breakfast because you really just wanted her to do it, or were you tired. For all the questions you asked yourself, only you can answer. When I was in my relationship, I've made the best decisions I could at each and every time, with the information I had at that moment. As they say, hindsight is 20/20. But you know what , we cannot rewind and redo. All we can do is just learn and move one. I personally don't regret almost everything thing I've done in my whole relationship. I mean hell, we got into a fight one day when I commented that "I didn't think I did enough around the house", who would have ever guessed that was a bad thing. But in hindsight, I didn't realize at the time how, extremely possessive she was of EVERYTHING in her house, and that the thought of sharing her home with the one she supposedly loved, is a big irritation. Moral is, I don't regret anything I did, becuase I knew I had the best of intentions at the time. There are no good and bad decision in life, only good and bad outcomes; and even the course of time can change that.
Author Template Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 Amen right here. Though not sure what I personally can do other than give it time? Just remember not to beat yourself up too much. If you hadn't tried & tried to make the relationship work you'd have been kicking yourself forever thinking about the "what if..". Keep your head high because it sounds like you did everything you could. Also, just a quick thanks for writing this Thanks RachLIVE, I wrote this because 1) It has been bottling up inside of me, and honestly my friends cannot relate (the majority of them married their first love, or were the ones that breakor, not the breakee), 2) I figured a lot of us felt this way, and like me kept it bottled up inside. When we are rejected, we naturally are lost looking for answers, I just hope this helps some people realize this possible answer within themselves, as I've learned this is often the last place we look. To everyone, thanks for the kinds words, but more importantly, thanks for being there for everyone and gettig each others backs.
sean1970 Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Yeah, that's rough man. I've gone through the same type of thinking. The only thing I can say is this: Did you purposely maliciously NOT do things? For instance, did you NOT get up to make breakfast because you really just wanted her to do it, or were you tired. No, I can honestly say I never did. The things I did, and the 'banking' I talked about, were not conscious 'Ill get pay back' things. The thing that shows it was an issue is I would not allow her to help or clean up. I thought I was providing for her total relaxation not realizing that her doing somethings for me was 'ok'. A problem that jumped out of "No More Mr. Nice Guy' immediately. I am probably guilty of getting pissed when she would have issues with things I wanted to do or people I wanted to be with (she had a real issue with being around my family). I cant be sure that I did not look back into my mental love bank and take note of the inequity; using it for fuel in the argument. I read an IM session a few months ago (since deleted) where she actually said to me, "We always do what I want (suggest), what do you want to do?" When we were in her Town, it seemed natural to have her make the plans. With painful hindsight, I should have been more assertive. Oh well...
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