Author lori22 Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 Well technically he was not "pretending" to be M he was M,he just failed to tell me he had been seperated from his W for the past 3 yr's. I found out alot of things about his W through her myspace and facebook page,she did not leave him because he was a cheater she seperated from him for selfesh reasons of her own,HE like a fool for her I guess has just been waiting for her to decide when she wants him back. I guess it was just easier for me if the reason why he ended it with me was because he could not leave his kids,then I would have hope.But to find out he is seperated and no kids with him makes me feel like I never even had him it makes me feel horrible.
herenow Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Well technically he was not "pretending" to be M he was M,he just failed to tell me he had been seperated from his W for the past 3 yr's. I found out alot of things about his W through her myspace and facebook page,she did not leave him because he was a cheater she seperated from him for selfesh reasons of her own,HE like a fool for her I guess has just been waiting for her to decide when she wants him back. I guess it was just easier for me if the reason why he ended it with me was because he could not leave his kids,then I would have hope.But to find out he is seperated and no kids with him makes me feel like I never even had him it makes me feel horrible. Well, I guess technically these MM aren't having affairs behind their wives backs, they just fail to tell them about the OW. Makes perfect sense. How is the fact that his wife separated from him selfish? If she were selfish, she could have just had an affair. Separating from your spouse for whatever reason, IMO, is not selfish. It's being honest.
Trimmer Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Yes it could have been no strings attached,if he was honest... So is that a "yes" answer to whether you would have gone ahead and had an affair, while you were married, if your MM had wanted it to be no-strings-attached? never mind - I just saw this part of another post later: If he was honest and told me that was all he wanted,I do not know what I would have done but what I do know is I had fallen in love with him before we began our PA. I suppose it doesn't matter anyway, at this point. And yes if I can't be with MM then I would like to get back with my H. I'm so sorry to hear you say that, because it really highlights just what you destroyed - something that could have worked. But I'm also glad for your ex-H, that he knows the truth, and was able to make a decision for himself what was the best way for him to heal, and I don't disagree with the path he chose. I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in, but I hope you will also take this opportunity to grow and heal as an individual.
PhoenixRise Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Well technically he was not "pretending" to be M he was M,he just failed to tell me he had been seperated from his W for the past 3 yr's. I found out alot of things about his W through her myspace and facebook page,she did not leave him because he was a cheater she seperated from him for selfesh reasons of her own,HE like a fool for her I guess has just been waiting for her to decide when she wants him back. I guess it was just easier for me if the reason why he ended it with me was because he could not leave his kids,then I would have hope.But to find out he is seperated and no kids with him makes me feel like I never even had him it makes me feel horrible. Are you serious? Up until recently you believed this prince of a man was cheating on his wife with you. YOU were ok if he lied to her and behaved like as selfish basta** in the process..OK WITH you if he is selfish. BUT NOW you criticize the reasons that she left him 3 years ago. Just think...perhaps she didn't want to post on a public page that her husband cheated on her....maybe on her public page she wanted to put a positive light on her situation....AND for your own sake stay off her facebook page. SHE is clearly not your problem. Try to accept that this man lied to you. AND NO you didn't have a shot in hell at having any kind of real relationship with him because he is a liar and a player. He is not who you thought he was. Be glad that you found out his true colors now instead of later down the road when you would be even more invested in the relationship.
herenow Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Well technically he was not "pretending" to be M he was M,he just failed to tell me he had been seperated from his W for the past 3 yr's. I guess it was just easier for me if the reason why he ended it with me was because he could not leave his kids,then I would have hope.But to find out he is seperated and no kids with him makes me feel like I never even had him it makes me feel horrible. And did he just forget to tell you he has no kids? Was he staying wherever he was staying for the sake of someone else's kids? I don't get it.
2sunny Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 didn't he ever take you over to the place her had rented? also, because you only had sex 3 times doesn't mean you wouldn't have an STD... he most likely had multiple OW. you were at risk the moment you had sex with him the first time. i'd get tested. this guy's a loser... why would you want him back? i'd be tempted to tell his W - and pronto... who says she does or doesn't know about you - him? well, we all know he is capable of lying. tell her, she deserves the truth with such a loser.
herenow Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 didn't he ever take you over to the place her had rented? also, because you only had sex 3 times doesn't mean you wouldn't have an STD... he most likely had multiple OW. you were at risk the moment you had sex with him the first time. i'd get tested. this guy's a loser... why would you want him back? i'd be tempted to tell his W - and pronto... who says she does or doesn't know about you - him? well, we all know he is capable of lying. tell her, she deserves the truth with such a loser. There is no wife, she left him.
VictoryisMine Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Lori22, you made a mistake, it's okay. The drama, the pain... of all this... has happened. It is done. You fell into the lies of a seriously disturbed individual who led you to believe into 'happily ever after'. Please work on you... now. Leave your husband be. Forget all about the diseased pretending MM. Concentrate on you. Best wishes.
bentnotbroken Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 It is possible that the wife did leave for selfish reasons...to get away from a lying,cheating walking, talking pile of verbal diarrhea. Good for her being selfish. Wish I had done it years ago. Cut your loses, learn from this lesson and move on.
Lucky_One Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Lori, I know that you are hurting - but this all happened months ago apparently. You are divorced for 10 months, and no divorce happens overnight. So MM manufactured a D-Day sometime ago, between your telling your XH that you wanted a D and the actual divorce, and there has been basically NC with him ever since and he acts as if he doesn't know you if he sees you. And you found out several months ago that everything he told you was a lie. Are you maybe seeing a counselor or anything? Still believing in a man who is capable of carrying on a totally secret life for 2 years with you, still believing that he is a "great man" when he won't even acknowledge that you are breathing isn't very healthy for you at a point of stress in your life.
White Flower Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Yes it could have been no strings attached,if he was honest,why did he feel he had to tell me he loved me and he knew I was going to file for D with my H. He made it seem like he was still with his W and unhappy but he could not leave because of the kids,when the truth was he was not living with W nor the kids. He is not a good guy if he led you to believe he would be with you as long as you got a D. He let you ruin your M and wasn't there to catch you when you fell. I'm sorry he did this to you. Yet, you did decide to D. I'm sure the M couldn't have been all that great in the first place if you found yourself wandering? I know, I was in the same sitch. But when I D'd I did not expect MM to catch me if I fell. I knew a greater love and I knew it was never going to be that great in my M so I left. In fact, I had leanings of separation already. I'm thinking, had you to do it over again, you'd still D, but you wouldn't have confessed the A. Still, you'd be D'd and free to be with a REAL man. Don't take this loser back. He'll try. He thinks you're an easy target.
Author lori22 Posted November 19, 2009 Author Posted November 19, 2009 Now that I think back when I would tell him I was getting D he did not really believe me,and sometimes he would tell me to work things out with my H and go to councelling. I love my H but I was not in love with him,I could never focus on my M with MM around even when we were not in contact. When MM left me my H which he was still my H at the time because our D was in progress,my H had a blast putting me down he told me why are you trying to come back to me is it because MM does not want you anymore,he left you,he used you,he never wanted you,he told me to leave the house he said go stay with MM and then he laughs and says wait you can't because he does'nt want you. I wish I could get over this,but I have not.
Impudent Oyster Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 And yes if I can't be with MM then I would like to get back with my H. Nice. So your exhusband is the consolation prize? For his sake, I hope he doesn't give you a second chance. Now if you had said "I realize what a fool I was, I realize that I was blind and that MM was a liar and that my husband is a wonderful man who I truly love with all my heart", then I would wish you luck in trying to win him back, but that's not what you said. You said "IF I can't be with MM then I would like to get back with my H"...yuck.
bentnotbroken Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Now that I think back when I would tell him I was getting D he did not really believe me,and sometimes he would tell me to work things out with my H and go to councelling. I love my H but I was not in love with him,I could never focus on my M with MM around even when we were not in contact. When MM left me my H which he was still my H at the time because our D was in progress,my H had a blast putting me down he told me why are you trying to come back to me is it because MM does not want you anymore,he left you,he used you,he never wanted you,he told me to leave the house he said go stay with MM and then he laughs and says wait you can't because he does'nt want you. I wish I could get over this,but I have not. Your H didn't have a blast. He was hurt, angry and needed to lash out. A blast...you aren't serious are you? You treated him like crap and he responded truthfully didn't he? It may not have been the way you would have preferred (honey it's okay, we can work it out. I still love you and want our marriage to work)but it was the truth. You were divorcing him for the the OM and you wanted him to be your safety net and he refused. Bravo for him. It is time you do something to fix yourself. Not the MM, not your XH, but you.
whichwayisup Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 my H had a blast putting me down he told me why are you trying to come back to me is it because MM does not want you anymore,he left you,he used you,he never wanted you,he told me to leave the house he said go stay with MM and then he laughs and says wait you can't because he does'nt want you. And I'm sure hearing this hurt..But you have to remember, you dumped your H for someone else. How did you expect him to react? How hurt YOU are that your MM dumped you is EXACTLY how your H feels when you left him. Some things are unforgivable..Seems your H has put himself first and wants to move on with his life. I hope you respect that. Please seek some counselling to help you cope.
lkjh Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 This is why marriage and family in the west is dying. You actually think you did a good thing by divorcing your H because of your affair? The good thing would have been to never have enter into an affair. The truth is, and women can't seem to get this is that men will lie to get into your pants. He never loved you, he wanted the sex. He was probably hitting on more than one woman. What kind of man do you think actively pursues a married woman?
lkjh Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 the saddest part is you don't seem to have any true remorse about what you did to your H. You seem more focus on your H's reaction to the affair
Author lori22 Posted November 19, 2009 Author Posted November 19, 2009 I admit I was selfesh myself,I feel bad for tearing up my family,sometimes you have to go for what you want and I went for it,BTW I am the one who went after MM. Was I stupid for trusting MM yes I was,but it just seem so right at the time,like he meant everything he told me. As far as my H I do love him,so why is it a bad thing to try and restart something?
PhoenixRise Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 OP You say that when you told him you were getting a divorce he didn't believe you? Did he ever actually say to you that you two would be together if you divorced? Or did you just assume this? How much did this man actually tell you about his marital status?
bhgirl Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Cheaters never win and honestly I am glad you got humilated. How selfish of you both to deceive your spouses. I am amazed at how people can take vows and not stand by them. As a wife I just feel that should mean something and it should not be taken lightly. I don't understand why people continue to have affairs and not care who they hurt in the process. In my opinion no relationship that was built on lies and deceit can survive. karma is a Mutha and you reap what you sow.
Author lori22 Posted November 19, 2009 Author Posted November 19, 2009 OP You say that when you told him you were getting a divorce he didn't believe you? Did he ever actually say to you that you two would be together if you divorced? Or did you just assume this? How much did this man actually tell you about his marital status? He told me he was with his W only for the kids,he did not love her,nor kiss,or have sex with her. He said he just bought another home and had to much invested in it right now and she would try and take all his property. We did talk about being together we even talked about moving in together,kids and how we were going to bring it up to our boss. Oneday we are meeting up and he saying i love you and literally less than 24 hours later he's damning me to hell "don't ever contact me again". Now that I rethink when he realized I was serious about the D thats when he started acting strange.
Author lori22 Posted November 19, 2009 Author Posted November 19, 2009 Cheaters never win and honestly I am glad you got humilated. How selfish of you both to deceive your spouses. I am amazed at how people can take vows and not stand by them. As a wife I just feel that should mean something and it should not be taken lightly. I don't understand why people continue to have affairs and not care who they hurt in the process. In my opinion no relationship that was built on lies and deceit can survive. karma is a Mutha and you reap what you sow. Sorry to burst your bubble bhgirl but we are not perfect,you can never say "never" we make mistakes fall in and out of love we lust over other's it's part of human nature.
whichwayisup Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 As far as my H I do love him,so why is it a bad thing to try and restart something? Because you turned his world upside, for selfish reasons. You broke your vows to him and you even said, "I admit I was selfesh myself,I feel bad for tearing up my family,sometimes you have to go for what you want and I went for it,BTW I am the one who went after MM." so how is he able to forgive you? You 'tried' something/someone else, the MM ended it and now you want your H back. Your H IS FEELING like second fiddle. Put yourself in your H's shoes and allow him time and space. Did you read my previous reply?
Trimmer Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Sorry to burst your bubble bhgirl but we are not perfect,you can never say "never" we make mistakes fall in and out of love we lust over other's it's part of human nature. ... but the choices we make about how to act upon those natural feelings are what define our individual human character.
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