lori22 Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 I was involved with a MM on and off for about 2 years,MM told me he loved me he's not in love with his wife,no sex,no kissing,he's there only for the kids and financial reasons. To make a long story short I was also M filed for D and MM was suppose to follow,I thought he would it was just hard because the kids. D day came and all of a sudden he said W found out about us and he cut me off,I was left alone here I am with no where to go because I had told my H about MM I told H i was in love iwth MM and we were going to be together so I was shocked when MM ended it. I was so hurt and I thought MM would come back ater all he said he was only there for his kids and financial reasons,there was no love there on his part. A few months ago I guess you can say I was snooping around and I found MM wife myspace and to my surprise it was public,but what was more shocking was what I found out. MM had been lying to me the WHOLE time,he and his W had been seperated for the past 3 years,she left him 3 years ago because she was confussed and needed her space,and MM was still very much in love with her and been waiting for her to come back to him. I was crushed to find out about this,I did not understand why he had to lie to me he was not even with her at the time so why did he feel he had to lie and tell me things like well it's hard for me to just pick up and go because I have kids and if I left she would not be able to make it on her own. What I am trying to understand is "why" it was alot easier for me to think that he's not with me right now because his kids,then I find out it was never his kids because they didn't even live with him. To make things worse I asked for a D from my H and wrecked my family for a guy who could not even be honest with me about his situation,I'm lost,hurt heartbroken,alone and scared.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 a guy that is cheating on his wife, and you are just now realizing he is a liar? that was obvious from the get go.
Author lori22 Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 I would not exactly call it cheating considering they had been "seperated for 3 years,basically from what I found out they lived seperate lives. He told me he loved me wanted to be with me but time was not right because he could not leave his kids wife would make it hard for him. HE LIED!!! why is what I am trying to figure out it's like I need that or closure.
2sure Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 You know the answer to this. HE lied because he wanted a relationship with no committment. He wanted to appear the martyr and the good guy while at the same time having no strings attached. What better way to get that than to be married, it cant even be expected. Its probably the reason his wife left him. But thats not whats important here. Ask the same questions of YOURSELF. "...What I am trying to understand is "why" it was alot easier for me to think that he's not with me right now because his kids,then I find out it was never his kids because they didn't even live with him. ... To make things worse I asked for a D from my H and wrecked my family for a guy who could not even be honest with me about his situation,I'm lost,hurt heartbroken,alone and scared. " You wrecked your family. Why? You did to your family exactly what he did to you. Figure out why you did it and you'll know why he did it. This is hard stuff, I know.
herenow Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 So the reality is, you weren't even an OW. He just told you he was married and you thought you were the OW. However, you didn't have a problem when you thought he was lying to his wife. So now that you are the one he is lying to you ask why? Well, it obvious that he told you he was still married so that you wouldn't expect any kind of commitment from him. Just like MM use their kids. If a MM says that he stays because of the kids, the OW sees him as a great father who is giving up being with the OW for selfless reasons. He is seen as "the good guy". Let's look at this logically now. Does a great father, who is willing to stay married to a woman he does not love, do something selfish like have an affair? The type of person who is really that considerate of how his actions could hurt his family wouldn't take such a risk. Men who have affairs and stay with their wives do so because that is what they want to do. In this case, you have a man who isn't even married using his family as a excuse to not be with an OW. It's very clear that he has some real issues and you are lucky to be rid of him. My question to you is, why did you think he was such a good guy when you thought he was lying to his wife?
herenow Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 You know the answer to this. HE lied because he wanted a relationship with no committment. He wanted to appear the martyr and the good guy while at the same time having no strings attached. What better way to get that than to be married, it cant even be expected. Its probably the reason his wife left him. But thats not whats important here. Ask the same questions of YOURSELF. "...What I am trying to understand is "why" it was alot easier for me to think that he's not with me right now because his kids,then I find out it was never his kids because they didn't even live with him. ... To make things worse I asked for a D from my H and wrecked my family for a guy who could not even be honest with me about his situation,I'm lost,hurt heartbroken,alone and scared. " You wrecked your family. Why? You did to your family exactly what he did to you. Figure out why you did it and you'll know why he did it. This is hard stuff, I know. Agree! I was writing my post when you posted this.
adiaz Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 What goes around comes around. I honestly think it's fair. You lie to your husband, break his heart and rob his family/life from under him. You deserve the same. I guess you are even now: now that you know what he is going through. Anyone who can stand and lie to their spouses faces and cheat on them is also lying to you. And anyone who believes that the person they are having an affair with is staying because of their kids and are miserable with their uncaring spouses are just dumb. ps: you got what you deearved. Sorry.
Lucky_One Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 I don't think you need closure - you need a 2"x4". First hit him upside the head, and then hit yourself. He gets one for being a selfish lying putz. He wanted a secret relationship and sex while he waited for his wife to change her mind about him and he could go where he really wanted to be. He created a D-Day so that you would leave him alone and not demand anything from him (public recognition, a commitment, re-marriage, financial help, help cutting the grass). You get one for leaving a marriage for some other guy. Leave marriages because the marriage is broken, because the healing that comes from the pain of divorce is a cleaner scar than living in misery, because a cleanly broken bone heals with a stronger area than a bone that is shattered. Don't leave marriages that were trundling along just fine (if a trifle boring) before you met Mr. Fancy Pants and found out what "real love and passion" is all about. There really is no "closure" here except a personal revelation that you allowed someone to snowball you. Now, he may be a professional grade snowballer, or you could have been overlooking red flags and signs for the past year when you were pushing for both of you to leave your marriages. Either way - it doesn't matter. Look at yourself, as 2sure says, and find what it is inside you that allowed this relationship to happen, what allowed you to believe him, and what is allowing you to not let this go. Endings are hard - they suck - but they happen to everyone, and many times there are no answers that will give you peace. So stop chasing the Holy Grail of closure, and find answers within yourself for that peace.
Author lori22 Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 Yes it could have been no strings attached,if he was honest,why did he feel he had to tell me he loved me and he knew I was going to file for D with my H. He made it seem like he was still with his W and unhappy but he could not leave because of the kids,when the truth was he was not living with W nor the kids.
lovekillsslowly Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Hi lori22 ~ No offense but this guy is a whack job!!! I have read a lot of threads and posts on here in the past few months but nothing where a man said he was still married and staying because of the kids when the truth was he hadn't lived with his wife for 3 years because she left him!!! Like you said he had no reason to lie to you like that! He has serious psychological issues and identity problems. My advice - stay away from him. He's flipping crazy!!! Best of luck to you.
Author lori22 Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 My gosh some of you ppl are making it seem like I am a bad person,yes I did have a A on my H but I went to him and asked for a D because I was tired of living a lie I wanted to be honest and come clean,some ppl never even admit to the A to the spouse but I did. As far as MM he was a great guy,I thought we were in love atleast I was.
Brokenlady Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Was MM the only reason you left your marriage? If so, I feel very sorry for you. But, I'd bet your husband will probably take you back, if that's what you want and are truly sorry about all this.
2sure Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 As far as MM he was a great guy,I thought we were in love atleast I was. I beg to differ.
whichwayisup Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 To make things worse I asked for a D from my H and wrecked my family for a guy who could not even be honest with me about his situation,I'm lost,hurt heartbroken,alone and scared. So basically you left your H and family for some MM and MM balked, changed his mind, or never had any intention of being with you long term.. Question is, if you hadn't met this MM would you still want to be married? This is what happens when people leave their marriages for someone else on a whim. Sorry you're hurting and I'm sure this isn't easy for you right now, but I suggest you take time to fix yourself, do counselling so you won't make the same mistakes later in life.
Lucky_One Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 As far as MM he was a great guy, Perhaps when he was in kindergarten. He IS currently a pathological liar, and perhaps you should work on realizing that he is a tremdously faulty man rather than a great guy.
whichwayisup Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Get yourself tested for STD's. Who knows how many OW he's been with. Hate to say it, but I doubt you were the only one he was seeing..
bentnotbroken Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 My gosh some of you ppl are making it seem like I am a bad person,yes I did have a A on my H but I went to him and asked for a D because I was tired of living a lie I wanted to be honest and come clean,some ppl never even admit to the A to the spouse but I did. As far as MM he was a great guy,I thought we were in love atleast I was. No you only perceived him as a great guy. I have a question, if he had been truthful and told you he wanted a no strings affair, would you still be with your H? Would you have come clean with him or continue to lie about what you were doing? And just for the record you should never live your life based on what others do. Do it because it is the right thing to do.
Author lori22 Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 I do not have a STD I have been tested,MM is who I wanted to be with and apart of me still wants to be in a relationship with him. MM and I did not just have a sexual relationship we were in a EA for about 1 yr,then it turned into PA and we were only sexual 3 times during the whole 2 yr's off and on of being with MM. If he was honest and told me that was all he wanted,I do not know what I would have done but what I do know is I had fallen in love with him before we began our PA. And yes if I can't be with MM then I would like to get back with my H.
whichwayisup Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 And yes if I can't be with MM then I would like to get back with my H. Is this really fair to your husband? He's your second choice. Like you went out, tried something else, wanted it badly, was willing to walk away from your H, your family life as you know it for MM, and now that MM isn't there for you in the way you want him to be, you're gonna go back home? Maybe the best thing you can do for yourself BEFORE you head back to your second choice (husband) go to counselling and sort yourself, be alone and learn to be happy on your own. Does your H know about MM? That you left him for someone else?
Author lori22 Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 Yes he knows he went on with the D,he only found out because I came clean and told him I wanted a D.I'll be honest after MM ended it I asked my H if we could work things out he said no and went on with the D. it has been 10 months since our D was final,we get along fine now.
Bleeve Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Yes he knows he went on with the D,he only found out because I came clean and told him I wanted a D.I'll be honest after MM ended it I asked my H if we could work things out he said no and went on with the D. it has been 10 months since our D was final,we get along fine now. So your husband didn't want to be the backup plan and a doormat, good for him people lie to not have to have consequences for their actions The MM and you are both guilty, so how is it hard for you to figure out why he lied, when it is the same reason you lied to your husband for 2 years (to get away with something)
herenow Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 OK, I'm going to be blunt here so don't read if you don't want to face reality. This guy lied to you about being married so you wouldn't expect anything from him. He lied about a d-day with his wife to break it off with you. These lies tell me that he never had any intention of any kind of relationship with you other than a secret affair. I can't even call it an affair because the guy isn't even with his wife. There is nothing standing in the way of him being able to have a true relationship with you, but he is doing everything to keep you thinking he isn't available. He has created a life that doesn't exist so that he can have an excuse to not be with you. What part of that isn't clear to you? He is a sick man who is probably still in love with his wife who left him. Can't say I blame her. I think you should take her lead and move on.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 He lied BEFORE you divorced your H. That tells me that the only reason to string you along was because he was at the same time juggling other OW. He has the perfect excuse not to be available to each woman that he is lying to. WOW, pretty smart way to be a cake eater... pretend to be married! I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts his wife left him because he is a cheater. I thought I had seen most everything here! The guys a genius player! He's got a friigin' Ph.D. in playing.
herenow Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 I thought I had seen most everything here! The guys a genius player! He's got a friigin' Ph.D. in playing. I know, right! How perfect is his game? He lies about being married, lies about having a d-day, says he is "staying for the kids" and she still thinks he is a great guy. This guy has it made. I bet he even wears a ring. At least his wife is free of this parasite.
2sure Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 My H apparently found it even more effective to tell people I was dead and that he was a single father of 2 boys. Very protective of them and so unavailable weekends. What a great guy, huh? Oh, yeah...I'm alive and he has no children of his own, I have a daughter.
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