I'd like to hear from MM in A with single W

[hopeless4u]

I'm the OW with a MM, we talk about things all the time and he says he's being honest to me and I do believe him. He says part of the reason it's 'easy' being around me is because he doesn't have to lie.

He also says he talks to his W but if it is a conversation about her being in the wrong she can't be rational and see's it as him being in the wrong for thinking like that.

He has never slagged her off and does feel a tremendous amount of guilt for what we are doing but says he feels empty each time we have tried to end things.

They have spoken about separation and she has given him the option of a 'trial' separation but he hasn't taken it for reasons even he can't explain. When I said he should try it as he will never know if he's going to miss her until he does and that its a trial so its not forever his answer was that he thinks if he goes he will never go back so to him its the end of their marriage.

I'm so confused by his actions and I know people will say of course he won't leave he's having his cake and all that but in all honesty he does more for me than the other way around and it's not about sex because although yes the sex is fantastic we don't jump into bed together at every opportunity, in fact we joke about us being way past the 'honeymoon' period! We really are best friends. There is so much more to say but I've babbled long enough but feel free to ask and I'll elaborate if need be.

So any MM having A with single W I would love to hear your thoughts and what you are going through.

[Samantha0905]

I'm the opposite -- a MW who had an affair with a single man -- but I would like to say in my own situation it was impossible while separated to sort anything out while with my AP. It blurs things too much. I honestly wish they both had left me on my own for a while so I could clear my head. I had an EA with my AP until I was separated, however, and he thought the separation was a "go" button and by then, I really wanted to be with him physically also.

 

I'm not sure a trial separation is a good idea (mine lasted six months), but if he chooses that route and the two of you actually do love each other -- my suggestion is to stay apart completely, let him clear his thoughts and then see what decision he makes. If it's true love it can withstand that if that's how the two of you feel for one another.

 

The one thing that did stand out to me in your post is he has been offered a trial separation and refuses it. Do they have small children? I was not offered a separation and chose it myself and didn't consider it trial at the time. Our children are grown.

[hopeless4u]

His children are grown up he has a daughter 19 at uni and a son 24 who still lives at home, he has told his son that they are not getting on and its looking like they may separate. His dad had an affair and left his mum when he was 16 and he blamed himself as he told his mum about it so some of it is he doesn't want to let people down I think. He is trying to work things out at home but his W will try for so long then revert back so his C asked him how long he was going to give it and he said a few weeks but she advised him to give it till after christmas.

 

Did you have problems before the A?

x

[Samantha0905]

His children are grown up he has a daughter 19 at uni and a son 24 who still lives at home, he has told his son that they are not getting on and its looking like they may separate. His dad had an affair and left his mum when he was 16 and he blamed himself as he told his mum about it so some of it is he doesn't want to let people down I think. He is trying to work things out at home but his W will try for so long then revert back so his C asked him how long he was going to give it and he said a few weeks but she advised him to give it till after christmas.

 

Did you have problems before the A?

x

 

My children are 19 and 25, so almost the same. I understand his thoughts about not wanting to hurt people as I have that in spades. Even though I worry about that so much, for some reason I went ahead and had the affair anyway and I can't imagine the pain a betrayed spouse would feel. That being said, I had felt sad and lonely for years -- we've been married 28 years. There are a lot of really good things about our marriage though -- my husband is a handsome, successful, good and kind man. He's a great father. We raised beautiful children together.

 

The problems were more me feeling lonely due to a lack of communication and sexual attraction. He's just not a big talker and I am. He talks more about surface stuff, but since the separation he's really been working on this. I'm starting to think the lack of sexual attraction on my part may just be a sexual dysfunction problem he's ha throughout the marriage I've just not been bold enough to discuss with him and he seems oblivious to.

 

I'm moving back completely on November 30. It's hard. I miss my ex-AP, but it sounds like you've known yours for quite a while? I met mine in February and we broke it off in the last couple of weeks. The more I weighed it out, the more it seemed like a bad decision to end a 33 year relationship for one which started in February. I'm trying to handle this rationally because I do think some parts of the affair are fairy tale and an addiction (for me.) I mean, I was finally getting great sex after all that time. Not being funny, but it wasn't there and then it was -- big difference. The other part I miss is how close/intimate I felt with my AP, but I think it's easier when none of life's other responsibilities are involved in a relationship. Also, I think the newness factor has a lot to do with that.

 

Plus, and even more importantly, for me I have to look at how it will adversely effect so many lives and futures for me to decide to end the marriage. I even think forward to things like the grandchildren visiting their grandparents, etc. I think the positives outweigh the negatives, so I'm choosing to work on it.

 

I hope your situation works out in a way that makes you happy. My main point is that he won't be able to think clearly about whether or not he wants his marriage to work with you in the picture. I know that's easier said than done -- I really do. I had problems in my marriage going into my affair, but the affair itself only complicated things more and made me even less focused on my marriage. I sincerely thought I was getting separated and moving on when I first moved out. My AP was with me a lot and I didn't sleep with my husband during the affair, so even further distancing from him. My lease was expiring and my husband told me he wanted me to make the choice to move home. I just didn't have it in me to hurt him any further and I hated/hate hurting my AP. It's a mess I created.

[misternoname]

This is going to come across as harsh (or at the very least, blunt) but here goes.

 

He's a liar. Period.

 

My ex wife had an affair with a married friend of ours. He told her all the same BS...he said they were meant to be together, soul mates, he was trying to figure out how to leave his wife so they could be together, etc etc.

 

All lies...when they were exposed he said to my wife's face that his only intentions was to get in her pants. Nothing more.

 

Let's face it...men generally have affairs for one reason only and it has nothing to do with emotions. Women on the other hand want emotional intimacy. Affairs are a game and both sides do and say whatever is needed to play it.

 

Now...let's play Devil's advocate. Suppose he really means everything he's saying to you. Why in the world would a single woman want a long term relationship with a man that has obviously zero respect or committment to his marriage? What's to stop him in the future to doing the same thing to you?

 

Statistically the chances of a relationship, that started as an affair, turning into a long term healthy marriage is dismal.

 

IMHO...go find a decent SINGLE man and leave the married ones alone.

[hopeless4u]

We've been together 2 years and have tried to end it many times as we both know he won't sort things out at home with me in the picture. The problem is we have become best friends, we didn't get physical with each for the 1st 4/5 months, he couldn't because of the guilt he felt.

He went on holiday with his W in May to try and make sense of things, we had done NC for a couple of days when he booked it but he ended up on the phone to me the whole time he was there sharing what they had done and saying all he could think about is he'd of been enjoying it more if it was me there not his W. I did say when he left that he should concentrate on his W but as usual I caved in.

I truly want him to be happy, he's a good man and he deserves to be whether thats with his wife or with me.

He has always said that his marriage was never awful but they had issues. He has never really been that into sex with his W, even when they 1st met. He has always worked hard and his W has just 'put up with it'(her words in their last fight), he has a C and she seems to be helping him and they did go to MC for a while but he said he went to keep the peace and it was pointless for him and his W just said negative things about him(very 1 sided)

I know one way or the other the end is near, I told him that I wouldn't have another Christmas like last year and if he'd not sorted things by then we would end things once and for all but his C advised him that leaving before Christmas was a bit harsh and he should maybe give it some thought.

[hopeless4u]

This is going to come across as harsh (or at the very least, blunt) but here goes.

 

He's a liar. Period.

 

My ex wife had an affair with a married friend of ours. He told her all the same BS...he said they were meant to be together, soul mates, he was trying to figure out how to leave his wife so they could be together, etc etc.

 

All lies...when they were exposed he said to my wife's face that his only intentions was to get in her pants. Nothing more.

 

Let's face it...men generally have affairs for one reason only and it has nothing to do with emotions. Women on the other hand want emotional intimacy. Affairs are a game and both sides do and say whatever is needed to play it.

 

Now...let's play Devil's advocate. Suppose he really means everything he's saying to you. Why in the world would a single woman want a long term relationship with a man that has obviously zero respect or committment to his marriage? What's to stop him in the future to doing the same thing to you?

 

Statistically the chances of a relationship, that started as an affair, turning into a long term healthy marriage is dismal.

 

IMHO...go find a decent SINGLE man and leave the married ones alone.

Firstly I'd like to say yes I'm sure plenty of A are about the sex but we don't even have sex that often and if he did want it at home his W would be more than happy to give it to him so if he is lying to me its not to get into my pants.

Secondly yes you are right about him cheating on me if we do end up together but isn't that a risk with any relationship?

[Samantha0905]

We've been together 2 years and have tried to end it many times as we both know he won't sort things out at home with me in the picture. The problem is we have become best friends, we didn't get physical with each for the 1st 4/5 months, he couldn't because of the guilt he felt.

He went on holiday with his W in May to try and make sense of things, we had done NC for a couple of days when he booked it but he ended up on the phone to me the whole time he was there sharing what they had done and saying all he could think about is he'd of been enjoying it more if it was me there not his W. I did say when he left that he should concentrate on his W but as usual I caved in.

I truly want him to be happy, he's a good man and he deserves to be whether thats with his wife or with me.

He has always said that his marriage was never awful but they had issues. He has never really been that into sex with his W, even when they 1st met. He has always worked hard and his W has just 'put up with it'(her words in their last fight), he has a C and she seems to be helping him and they did go to MC for a while but he said he went to keep the peace and it was pointless for him and his W just said negative things about him(very 1 sided)

I know one way or the other the end is near, I told him that I wouldn't have another Christmas like last year and if he'd not sorted things by then we would end things once and for all but his C advised him that leaving before Christmas was a bit harsh and he should maybe give it some thought.

 

Just looking at that one point in a bubble -- I agree -- it's highly unlikely he will leave during the holidays if he has not left already. He is probably saying things to his counselor that indicates to him/her the situation is not hopeless and the marriage could possibly be saved. As to what his wife says during counseling, you are only hearing his side/opinion of her as he wants to relay it to you. Who knows what is actually being said? Only them and the counselor.

 

His counseling -- marriage -- will not be productive in any way, shape or form while he is still in an affair. Why seek marriage counseling if not totally focused on repairing the marriage? If he's so emotionally/physically invested in you, how can he work on his marriage? I highly doubt after two years it is just physical and am sure he has strong feelings for you. Rationally, however, from the outside looking in it doesn't sound like he's being a friend to you at all and he's certainly not being a good husband to his wife. Now, I'm saying this from the WS position. I've done what he's doing. It's just not a nice way to treat people at all and I know when I was doing it, I was so wrapped up in feelings of not wanting to turn loose of the AP because he filled so many voids for me and I felt like I loved him in some way. I didn't want to let go of my marriage completely either, because there was so much love and history there.

 

I don't mean this ugly at all. I understand there are a lot of feelings and pain involved in these sorts of things. I think he sounds like he is an expert at not making a decision. I've been there. He's confused. He's being a jerk. He wants to be able to have both. He may not intentionally be setting out in his mind for this to occur, but it is what it is and without a doubt -- right now -- he has both.

 

When my ex-AP was talking to me about how he wanted a "real" relationship and didn't understand why we couldn't be together, etc. if we both loved each other -- I asked him why if he truly wanted that type of relationship did he choose to start an affair with a married person? I was separated before we started sleeping together, but we had an EA before that and even separated, unless you've finalized the divorce -- you are still married. When someone does this it seems they would have to know it could go either way, regardless of what the WS is saying -- they're confused also.

 

Going through separation and divorce are emotionally crazy times. It's a horrible time to start a serious relationship. I don't think someone should ever leave a marriage for another person. I don't know that they actually do even when they leave the marriage and end up with the other person for a while. It's not intentional, but they are making their exit easier on themselves. They have someone to give them some kind of support while they exit.

 

Even if he were to leave his wife, which it doesn't sound like he will do permanently, I suppose you know the chances of his current AP (you) being his long term partner is around 10%. Those relationships don't last. The divorce stats for 2nd, 3rd, etc. marriages get worse and worse.

 

I'm just speaking rationally to you. I understand the emotional aspects, but if you can you need to make yourself step outside of that and look at this situation in a rational manner and act on it in a rational manner.

 

I'm not saying he's a bad person or you're a bad person, but you are people who've made a bad decision and it has disastrous consequences.

 

You deserve an open relationship with someone who has not been willing to cheat on their spouse with you. I don't know how there ever is complete trust in a relationship that has started with two people practicing so much deceit.

 

Again -- my advice to you would be to get out of the relationship. Let him sort himself out and his marriage. If he ends up divorced -- completely -- and you're available and still want to date him, then you two can try to work something out. It's highly unlikely any of that will happen.

[PhoenixRise]

His children are grown up he has a daughter 19 at uni and a son 24 who still lives at home, he has told his son that they are not getting on and its looking like they may separate. His dad had an affair and left his mum when he was 16 and he blamed himself as he told his mum about it so some of it is he doesn't want to let people down I think. He is trying to work things out at home but his W will try for so long then revert back so his C asked him how long he was going to give it and he said a few weeks but she advised him to give it till after christmas.

 

Did you have problems before the A?

x

 

If you are in the picture, then your MM has NOT tried to work things out at home. Maybe the problem at home is not that the W reverts back, maybe the problems is that MM has no integrity and reverts back and continues to cheat.

 

Truly, you DON'T know what is going on in the marriage. You only know what he tells you about the marriage. Unless the wife is confiding in you, you only have the picture of the M that he wants you to have.

 

Why is he staying again?

 

The children are adults.

 

I think you mentioned in another thread that he stays for the extended family?

 

So your MM is not staying because he WANTS to stay with his wife or because of the children....he is staying for the In-laws???

 

AND YOU wanted to know how BS can NOT KNOW??

 

Seriously?

[hopeless4u]

He isn't in MC anymore that was when they said it could end in separation and they stopped going, I agree I only have his take on what has been said so tbh I don't base many of my decisions on that. He is seeing a C by himself who he can be truly honest with but thats not for his marriage but other issues that he feels may have led to the A and how he's dealing with the whole situation.

I do agree with most of what you are saying and that makes it even more frustrating for me to understand WHY CAN'T I STOP!!

He does lean on me emotionally saying I'm the strong one. Sometimes I have lost it with him and just said I don't want to hear from you until you have grown a backbone and thats another thing thats frustrating, with his work and with me and the things he does for me he's a very confident person but as soon as his W or believe or not mother its like he's a child again and jumps to attention.

I am getting closer to being able to walk away forever but it really does feel like i'm loosing my best friend and I am taking all the advice I'm given, good and bad and trying to use it to do the right thing. Thank you. x

[Samantha0905]

 

The children are adults.

 

 

I agree with your post completely other than the one thing, but do just want to point out that saying the children are adults does not make them irrelevant in the decision making process. This point is probably moot somewhat given the situation, but adult children are still part of the family dynamic. A family is a unit. The man obviously is torn -- screwing up, lying, being a jerk, etc. -- but seems to deep down want to keep his family together. It seems he's picking and choosing at this point what to be selfish about and what not.

 

I don't think of my adult children as separate from decisions I make about my marriage.

 

The point is, the decision to end a marriage DOES have an effect on all sorts of people other than the actual people involved in an affair triangle. My children would be devastated. Yes, they would get over it -- but the scar would always be there. Furthermore, it changes future family dynamics so much -- the grandchildren visiting the original grandparents, etc. I'm sure it effects other people's lives too -- siblings of the partners -- they lose a BIL or a SIL, etc. Even friends. It's a HUGE decision that effects many people, even across generations. Just my opinion.

 

Looking back, it certainly would have broken my heart even as an adult had my parents split up. Luckily, they did not.

[PhoenixRise]

Samantha

 

I have a child so I get what you are saying. Of course the children are not irrevelant. I am saying that the children (now adults who hopefully have lives of their own and are no longer as dependent on the parents) are not an excuse for why WS stay in the marriage.

 

In other words....If you had come to the realization that you DID NOT love your H and did not want your marriage, your adult children would not have been enough to make you come back to the marriage.....or would they??

[Samantha0905]

He isn't in MC anymore that was when they said it could end in separation and they stopped going, I agree I only have his take on what has been said so tbh I don't base many of my decisions on that. He is seeing a C by himself who he can be truly honest with but thats not for his marriage but other issues that he feels may have led to the A and how he's dealing with the whole situation.

I do agree with most of what you are saying and that makes it even more frustrating for me to understand WHY CAN'T I STOP!!

He does lean on me emotionally saying I'm the strong one. Sometimes I have lost it with him and just said I don't want to hear from you until you have grown a backbone and thats another thing thats frustrating, with his work and with me and the things he does for me he's a very confident person but as soon as his W or believe or not mother its like he's a child again and jumps to attention.

I am getting closer to being able to walk away forever but it really does feel like i'm loosing my best friend and I am taking all the advice I'm given, good and bad and trying to use it to do the right thing. Thank you. x

 

I feel for you so much. It's hard once you've already allowed yourself to be drawn into it all. I'm speaking from a woman's perspective and my feelings and perhaps if more MM who have had an affair would chime in it could help somewhat with understanding what's going on, although everyone is different in their motivations.

 

It does help to read all the advice. I think it's good to hear all sides and try to come to your own conclusions as it relates to your situation. It really has helped me to step outside of the emotions and think about it rationally. I'm still sad in many, many ways, but I'm going to try to work on my marriage.

 

Do you date? Maybe -- even if you feel you don't want to -- put yourself out there and date. Force yourself to. You may meet someone you like who is available. Your MM has another partner......

 

Have you considered counseling for yourself and why you are alright with being with this unavailable man? I generally think there are some self worth issues when that happens. I have a few myself, so I didn't mean that as a condemnation.

[hopeless4u]

If you are in the picture, then your MM has NOT tried to work things out at home. Maybe the problem at home is not that the W reverts back, maybe the problems is that MM has no integrity and reverts back and continues to cheat.

 

Truly, you DON'T know what is going on in the marriage. You only know what he tells you about the marriage. Unless the wife is confiding in you, you only have the picture of the M that he wants you to have.

 

Why is he staying again?

 

The children are adults.

 

I think you mentioned in another thread that he stays for the extended family?

 

So your MM is not staying because he WANTS to stay with his wife or because of the children....he is staying for the In-laws???

 

AND YOU wanted to know how BS can NOT KNOW??

 

Seriously?

Not sure you quite understand the tread, I'm not defending 'us' or our situation just trying to understand whats going on in his head.

I was telling someone who has been where he is now what he says to me (whether lies or truth) and she was trying to explain if she can understand where he was coming from.

[Samantha0905]

Samantha

 

I have a child so I get what you are saying. Of course the children are not irrevelant. I am saying that the children (now adults who hopefully have lives of their own and are no longer as dependent on the parents) are not an excuse for why WS stay in the marriage.

 

In other words....If you had come to the realization that you DID NOT love your H and did not want your marriage, your adult children would not have been enough to make you come back to the marriage.....or would they??

 

Okay. I understand what you are saying. I think only mothers can understand the love a mother has for her children and I suppose I just reacted to that because I thought about mine.

 

I know I still love my husband, so I can't respond to that really for me. I will always love him, regardless. I doubt very seriously I would stay in my marriage for any reason if I did not love him. I would hate hurting my children, however, and they certainly were a part of the thought process for me.

 

I told my ex-AP I loved my husband, but didn't feel intimacy/sexual attraction with/towards him and I felt very lonely. I told him my husband was a good man and a good father and did not treat me badly in any way. I know my ex-AP understands how close I am to my children. His response was my husband is treating me badly if he doesn't communicate with me.

 

Anyway, I didn't think out in advance or maliciously to throw out the children as part of the reason I was returning to my marriage. Even given this, you're right. It is one of the "excuses" I gave to my ex-AP. They all seemed like valid reasons to me (for saving my marriage), but to an AP they are excuses (for not choosing him.) The truth would be more like I am a cheater and a liar and I'm now making the choice to stay in my marriage. Or, I'm a cheater and a liar and I'm hanging on as long as I can to keep you both in my life.

 

What I finally said to mine is I'm a cheater and a liar and you shouldn't want to be involved with someone who is willing to cheat/lie to their spouse. Furthermore, you should never date or get involved with someone who is married. You should have more self worth and integrity. I should have more integrity. We both have been doing something we both know we should not do and I have to stop. I'm going to work on my marriage.

 

What it all comes down to is it is a choice: spouse/family or AP? The choice came about from a whole lot of deceit. I feel like I loved my ex-AP in some way, but obviously not enough to bite the bullet and leave my marriage for him.

 

As I've said, it's a screwed up mess. Married people should keep their vows. Single people should not get involved with someone who is married.

 

I think the OP's MM man must still have some love for his wife/family or he would end the marriage.

 

In any event, they have a relationship based on deceit. She is in control of herself and herself only. She needs to be strong and make the decision she knows is the right decision. All through my crap, I knew somewhere inside of me what I was doing was WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. It's just selfishness and a horrible thing to do to other people.

Edited November 18, 2009 by Samantha0905

[misternoname]

"Firstly I'd like to say yes I'm sure plenty of A are about the sex but we don't even have sex that often and if he did want it at home his W would be more than happy to give it to him so if he is lying to me its not to get into my pants.

Secondly yes you are right about him cheating on me if we do end up together but isn't that a risk with any relationship?"

 

Absolutely...no relationship is 100% guaranteed against cheating however past behavior is a very strong predictor of future behavior. Not saying necessarily that once a cheater always a cheater but the odds are much higher that he'll cheat again vs someone that never has.

 

Reading between the lines it appears that you're making excuses for him regarding why he's with you covertly and why he's hesitant to leave his wife. It just sounds like classic "married guy cheating with an unattached woman." Every case like this that I've heard about or witnessed had the same elements and unfortunately they all ended the same...he stays with his wife and you wasted valuable months/years with a relationship that never went any further than an affair. I'm sure there are exceptions to the rule but why would you want to take the chance that he's no different than 99% of cheating husbands?

[PhoenixRise]

Not sure you quite understand the tread, I'm not defending 'us' or our situation just trying to understand whats going on in his head.

I was telling someone who has been where he is now what he says to me (whether lies or truth) and she was trying to explain if she can understand where he was coming from.

 

 

I completely understood your thread.

 

I am not looking for you to defend anything.

 

I am saying that your comment about his w reverting back (a situation he apparently told you about) is something that you can't take as gospel. He tells you things about his marriage that he WANTS you to know. Most likely he is not sharing the whole picture and if his wife ever confided in you, and you compared the two stories you would probably wonder if they are in the same marriage.

 

I am telling you that your MM is either being dishonest or delusional if he says that he is/has worked on the marriage if he has NOT gone NC (for real) with you. It is not even remotely possible that he can work on the marriage and continue in an affair at the same time.

 

I am saying that adult children and in-laws are not enough to keep a man in a marriage if he truly wants to leave.

 

Don't get me wrong.....I am not a cheerleader for keeping the marriage together at all cost. I would never say a person should stay married when they truly don't want to be or if they truly want to be with someone else.

 

I am saying that if your MM wanted to leave the M and be with you, based on what you have posted, there are no good reasons for him not to do just that. Looks to me like he is choosing "both"

[hopeless4u]

I feel for you so much. It's hard once you've already allowed yourself to be drawn into it all. I'm speaking from a woman's perspective and my feelings and perhaps if more MM who have had an affair would chime in it could help somewhat with understanding what's going on, although everyone is different in their motivations.

 

It does help to read all the advice. I think it's good to hear all sides and try to come to your own conclusions as it relates to your situation. It really has helped me to step outside of the emotions and think about it rationally. I'm still sad in many, many ways, but I'm going to try to work on my marriage.

 

Do you date? Maybe -- even if you feel you don't want to -- put yourself out there and date. Force yourself to. You may meet someone you like who is available. Your MM has another partner......

 

Have you considered counseling for yourself and why you are alright with being with this unavailable man? I generally think there are some self worth issues when that happens. I have a few myself, so I didn't mean that as a condemnation.

I have started to see things clearer since coming on here, like all OW we know we only hear 1 side of things and of course would all like to think our MM is different but deep down we know they're probably not. My MM has said he will put a post up so who knows maybe someone can help sort his head out!

 

Yes I do go out with an open mind and I have met other men, my MM knows this and has always said that when I meet someone I will dump him because I'm not the kind of woman that could be with 2 men! hah He see's other men with me at work and says they are flirting with me and most times he is right but even if I wasn't with him I wouldn't date most of them but I am open to meeting someone.

 

My MM did say that maybe C would help me and maybe I'll look into it, never really seen it as a C issue until now! I'm quite outgoing and have no problem with myself and who I am, I have a good job a fantastic son from my previous marriage, great friends and a pretty ok life compared to some. I'm usually very clear about life and the paths I've chosen so being where I am now is very strange for me but It's small steps I'm taking and hopefully in the right direction.

[Lish]

he's being honest to me and I do believe him. He says part of the reason it's 'easy' being around me is because he doesn't have to lie.

Yeah yeahhh. Ask millions of OWs. This is typical MM bull**** he's spinning you and you're believing him.

 

He also says he talks to his W but if it is a conversation about her being in the wrong she can't be rational and see's it as him being in the wrong for thinking like that.

Yeah... you say he's never slagged her off? THIS is slagging her off... this is his sly, roundabout way of letting you know what's wrong with his wife and why you're so much better for him.

 

He has never slagged her off and does feel a tremendous amount of guilt for what we are doing but says he feels empty each time we have tried to end things.

He's not guilty. He's a liar and a cheat. If he was guilty, he wouldn't be seeing you anymore... but I suppose because he "loves you", no amount of guilt can take him away from you? lol...

 

They have spoken about separation and she has given him the option of a 'trial' separation but he hasn't taken it for reasons even he can't explain. When I said he should try it as he will never know if he's going to miss her until he does and that its a trial so its not forever his answer was that he thinks if he goes he will never go back so to him its the end of their marriage.

This is about giving you false hope.

 

I'm so confused by his actions and I know people will say of course he won't leave he's having his cake and all that but in all honesty he does more for me than the other way around and it's not about sex because although yes the sex is fantastic we don't jump into bed together at every opportunity, in fact we joke about us being way past the 'honeymoon' period!

The reason it's not all about sex is because he's probably had alot of his sexual needs met by his WIFE...and you're there to satisfy him with whatever other urges he has.

 

We really are best friends.

No dear, you're his mistress.

 

This is going to sound quite harsh and I'm sorry but blah, some people need some tough love.

 

 

You're not special. You're no different from any other OW. He's not special. He's no different from any other MM. This entire situation isn't special.

 

I know I'm sounding quite forward, blunt and acting like I know all the story, but really... I've read SO many stories on this on this forum alone... and I've witnessed this all happening with people around me. Almost the exact same situation.

 

Please, you sound like a nice enough girl/woman, you can probably do so much better than this. I don't have sympathy for you (or anyone) because you got yourself into this situation, but I hope you learn from it.

Edited November 20, 2009 by Lish

[torranceshipman]

I genuinely think you would both benefit from some time apart, to clear your heads. Sounds like you both need it. His indecision is doing you no favors, and right now the situation is vey unhealthy. so make it healthy and step away and live without him for a bit, think things through, let him experience life without you, etc. I think you really, really need this.

 

If he loves you, going NC will make him want to be with you more, as he will be so scared that he's losing you. If he doesn't feel as strongly as he said, he'll keep his distance and at least you'll be able to realize how he really felt about you (OR if he loves you but is STILL paralysed by indecision he'll also stay away-and again, best you know that he is incapable of acting NOW rather than after another 2 or 5 years of waiting and hoping!!).

 

I just think you need space. You might find it very freeing - no more 'is he with his W tonight, I wonder if they are intimate, I wonder what he is thinking, I wonder if he'll leave, I wonder if he's being truthful, I wonder if we can see eachother today, I wonder how I should word this particular worry I have to him, etc' - you're free of all of that if you go NC/say you need a break. Much more relaxed and far less stress on your shoulders - concentrate on YOU for a change, and what YOU need, not what HE is thinking or doing or feeling or wanting, or whatever.

[NoIDidn't]

His posting here is not going to help you or him. There have been many a married man that has come here and posted with his OW and STILL is at home with his W.

 

He's talking poorly about his W with you on the sly. I still remember and cringe at my H's former OW telling me that she wanted to hear "my side" even though my H swore he never spoke poorly of me. I'm no fool. I can put 2 and 2 together.

 

There is a book that I mention often because you are asking specifically about MM and single OW. Its called The MM-Single Woman Syndrome. I don't remember the author - but I think its sold on Amazon.

[hopeless4u]

I genuinely think you would both benefit from some time apart, to clear your heads. Sounds like you both need it. His indecision is doing you no favors, and right now the situation is vey unhealthy. so make it healthy and step away and live without him for a bit, think things through, let him experience life without you, etc. I think you really, really need this.

 

If he loves you, going NC will make him want to be with you more, as he will be so scared that he's losing you. If he doesn't feel as strongly as he said, he'll keep his distance and at least you'll be able to realize how he really felt about you (OR if he loves you but is STILL paralysed by indecision he'll also stay away-and again, best you know that he is incapable of acting NOW rather than after another 2 or 5 years of waiting and hoping!!).

 

I just think you need space. You might find it very freeing - no more 'is he with his W tonight, I wonder if they are intimate, I wonder what he is thinking, I wonder if he'll leave, I wonder if he's being truthful, I wonder if we can see eachother today, I wonder how I should word this particular worry I have to him, etc' - you're free of all of that if you go NC/say you need a break. Much more relaxed and far less stress on your shoulders - concentrate on YOU for a change, and what YOU need, not what HE is thinking or doing or feeling or wanting, or whatever.

 

NC is difficult as we work together and he is in the middle of helping me with DIY at my house but I truly believe that after I found out he was still being intimate with his W that I will not have anything more than a friendship with him. I stayed in this A because I truly believed he had nothing left to save in his M, things have changed.

[hopeless4u]

I completely understood your thread.

 

I am not looking for you to defend anything.

 

I am saying that your comment about his w reverting back (a situation he apparently told you about) is something that you can't take as gospel. He tells you things about his marriage that he WANTS you to know. Most likely he is not sharing the whole picture and if his wife ever confided in you, and you compared the two stories you would probably wonder if they are in the same marriage.

 

I am telling you that your MM is either being dishonest or delusional if he says that he is/has worked on the marriage if he has NOT gone NC (for real) with you. It is not even remotely possible that he can work on the marriage and continue in an affair at the same time.

 

I am saying that adult children and in-laws are not enough to keep a man in a marriage if he truly wants to leave.

 

Don't get me wrong.....I am not a cheerleader for keeping the marriage together at all cost. I would never say a person should stay married when they truly don't want to be or if they truly want to be with someone else.

 

I am saying that if your MM wanted to leave the M and be with you, based on what you have posted, there are no good reasons for him not to do just that. Looks to me like he is choosing "both"[/Q

 

With what has unfolded over the last few days I totally agree that if I spoke to his W I would probably think it was a different M!

 

I know I made excuses for him not leaving before which I knew deep down wasn't good enough reasons but I was under the impression that the M itself was all but over and it was just the hurt he would cause keeping him there. I now know different and that he is still being physical with his W and so giving her hope and that I will not be a part of so I have ended it. Unfortunately NC isn't an option but I can be sure I will not go back there.

[PhoenixRise]

hopeless4U

 

I am glad that you asked some straightforward questions and got the answers you need to make an informed decision about your life.

 

Just one of the things that I find to be so horrid about affairs is the fact that the BS is not given the necessary information about something that is absolutely impacting his/her life and as a result, can not make informed decisions.

 

In your situation, if the wife had all the pieces of the puzzle and knew that you existed and was in a relationship with her H....she might have been more than willing to let him go (or kick him out) so that he could be with you. Unfortunatly, she will never be given that option because your XMM/ her H will never tell her the truth.

 

In the days and weeks to come, when he is trying to rope you back in (and he probably will try) remember that he is working his a** off lying to his wife to keep her from finding out about his OW....and remember that he lied to/misled you about the true status of his marriage.

 

He sounds like a man who will say whatever it takes to get what he wants at the moment...whether that is a trusting, happy, loving wife at home or a trusting, happy, loving OW outside the home. Both in love with him. Both want to be with him.

 

I think in my next life I want to be reincarnated as a MM for 1 day:rolleyes:...All that adoration they get from 2 women must be a fabulous rush.

 

Bottom line They get the best of both while only offering a fraction to both.

[Samantha0905]

I genuinely think you would both benefit from some time apart, to clear your heads. Sounds like you both need it. His indecision is doing you no favors, and right now the situation is very unhealthy. so make it healthy and step away and live without him for a bit, think things through, let him experience life without you, etc. I think you really, really need this.

 

If he loves you, going NC will make him want to be with you more, as he will be so scared that he's losing you. If he doesn't feel as strongly as he said, he'll keep his distance and at least you'll be able to realize how he really felt about you (OR if he loves you but is STILL paralysed by indecision he'll also stay away-and again, best you know that he is incapable of acting NOW rather than after another 2 or 5 years of waiting and hoping!!).

 

I just think you need space. You might find it very freeing - no more 'is he with his W tonight, I wonder if they are intimate, I wonder what he is thinking, I wonder if he'll leave, I wonder if he's being truthful, I wonder if we can see each other today, I wonder how I should word this particular worry I have to him, etc' - you're free of all of that if you go NC/say you need a break. Much more relaxed and far less stress on your shoulders - concentrate on YOU for a change, and what YOU need, not what HE is thinking or doing or feeling or wanting, or whatever.

 

Great response.

 

And of course, it's difficult -- but not impossible. It will be best in the long run.