DJSZ Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 I've never sought out this kind of forum before, but I'm in a pretty dire situation with a very close friend and I'm pretty desperate for any kind of useful advice. I have been friends with this woman for 15 years. We've been extremely close for the last 6 or 7 years. We do a lot of things together and both have expressed how close we feel to the other and have generally trusted each other implicitly. The one issue is that I do tend to have friction with her boyfriends. I can be very overprotective of her at times and she tries to keep her relationship with me and her romantic relationships fairly sequestered as a result. One problem this has created is that it generally makes her boyfriends hostile of me before I even meet them, which I guess isn't exactly a shocking surprise when their girlfriend has a close male friend that they don't get to meet for a long time who regularly stays with her for several days and goes on trips with her. I have no objections with how she's treated me - I can safely say that no matter the sticky situation, I have never felt that I was treated unfairly. Now, here's where I screwed up royally. She has a new boyfriend that she seems very taken with and after talking her and she made it clear that she really needs me around more to be supportive of her and interested in her personal life, so that she can more comfortably have her relationship with me and her relationship with her boyfriend integrated (she has very high stress levels in her life right now). So, knowing this and being equal parts impulsive and stupid, I decided to write a short e-mail to her new boyfriend, before meeting him, in order to try and get off on the right foot with him, which I really wanted to do. I also sent a copy of the e-mail to my friend, because I had no desire to do anything behind her back. Pretty unsurprising after taking time to think, my friend got very angry with me, to the extent that she kicked me out of her house because she wanted space. Nobody needs to tell me how unbelievably dumb my actions were. She didn't want to talk too much in detail, but there are a couple of complications. She's had boyfriends with serious trust issues to the past, to the extent that one of the them apparently got into her e-mail, felt threatened by our friendship, and sent me nasty e-mails and tried to drive a wedge between us. I have had a girlfriend that has broken into my e-mail as well. E-mail security is a very sensitive subject to both of us (I'm always telling her about how to properly make a strong password and to change it often), but I now suspect that my friend thinks that I got her new boyfriend's e-mail by snooping in her e-mail. This I most certainly did not do (his e-mail was pretty easy to find from CC: in e-mails she sends out). So, to make a long story short, I understand that I need to reap what I sowed for what I'd actually done, but I'm worried what I *think* she *thinks* I did is going to completely end our friendship. She's being cordial, but cold, which is extremely unusual behavior from her. Obviously, it's going to take a while to build back the trust that we've had, but what's the first step here? Should I give her some space? Try to talk to her calmly? We've been through a lot together and are very important parts of each others' lives, so this is a friendship that I really want to fight for and not simply let go.
ADF Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Even if you manage to keep the friendship, it definitely needs to change some. You are FAR too enmeshed with this woman, and she with you. Frankly, it reminds me of some of the crazy-intense relationships you sometimes see between teenage girls and their gay male best friend. You clearly have serious boundry issues, and since you don't seem to have the best judgment about what is or is not appropriate, you should really back off for a while. See what she does. Don't press her. Good luck.
Baroness67 Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 You have been friends for 15 years, but make no reference to whether the friendship started when you were in kindergarten, middle school or college, so it's hard to get a better handle on where you are. How old are you both now?
Author DJSZ Posted November 28, 2009 Author Posted November 28, 2009 You have been friends for 15 years, but make no reference to whether the friendship started when you were in kindergarten, middle school or college, so it's hard to get a better handle on where you are. How old are you both now? We're both 34. We've never dated (and never will as we consider our friendship too important to tinker with).
Angel1111 Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 I agree with ADF, you have serious boundary issues and it has probabaly been getting on this girl's nerves for some time now. The email was probably just the straw that broke the camel's back. I suppose you could send her an email letting her know how you found the guy's email address, and then apologize for your stupidity in sending the email in the first place - without justifying your actions, and then leave her alone. She'll probably come around but as ADF said, your reationship needs to change. You're too much in her life and that's probably part of the stress she feels.
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