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[bstnsoxgirl]

I am new to the board but have been reading posts for the last couple of months. I have been married for 15 years and have 2 children ages 12 and 14. I had always been the "bookkeeper" in our house and we have had our share of financial issues over the years. A few times over the last 5 years I had told my husband things were fine in order to "keep peace" when they weren't that great financially. I figured I would fix things over a period of time. I was also trying to be a nice person by giving my family the things they wanted, even if that meant I went with less and had to take from other areas to make that happen. I know now that was a mistake but at the time I thought it was the right thing. In September my husband told me he wanted a divorce. He said he had been unhappy for the last few years and that with the lack of intimacy (been 4 years) that I should have known and been unhappy too. (this is not to say I hadn't tried to initiate it, I did MANY times only to be turned down each time) He said when he lost his trust in me (money) he lost the love too and doesn't think he can get it back. (said he "loves me like a family member, not a wife") We have been in over our heads for a number of years and the majority of it is the house. I have been trying to get him to move for more than 5 years with no luck. We have since sold a camper and now have more breathing room with cash but he still hasn't changed his mind he says. (although I get the wishy-washy comments so I hold on to hope) We tried MC for a few times but the counselor told him he can't help until husband makes up his mind. I still see someone on my own which helps me vent. I am in the house with the kids, he stays at his parents but has been home the last 9 days or so. I have talked to a lawyer just to ask questions but that is all. He handed me paperwork he had filled out but I told him if he wanted to divorce me he was on his own. Not signing Joint papers when I don't want the divorce. (yes, I know he can divorce me anyhow but he hasn't) I have been stuck in this "limbo" mode and it is tearing me apart. I want it to work out but he has a terrible attitude towards me and is rarely ever nice to me. I'm sorry I'm rambling but maybe this is a start for you all to begin to help....Some days I am okay and others (like today) I am a weeping mess. I am a good person who made mistakes, but not for the wrong reasons. I am sad and lonely. I need some attention from my husband which I'm not getting. I want to feel loved, needed, appreciated. My kids are my saving grace right now, but when nightfall comes and I'm alone, I'm a basketcase most times....Can you all lend some advice? Thank you.....

[nobleguy]

The only support I can offer is that there are many many people on here that feel the same. When I have the children it's great, but when they're in bed and I'm left alone watching nothing on the TV it makes me question the value of my life sometimes.

 

When I don't have the children it's even worse. And yes, a weeping mess is accurate in my case too at times. There really is no cure for these feelings other than gettting through it the best you can and coming out the other side in time (however long that might be).

 

Sorry I can't be more helpful and positive.

[bstnsoxgirl]

Thank you for the response. I know it's a tough road ahead and I'm doing the best I can with what I have. There are so many other issues to go along with this which give me the hope to hang on but there are days I just can't do it any longer. I get so many mixed messages that it makes my head spin. Some days I think as much as I love him it needs to be ME that makes a final decision....I just can't do that without feeling I have put everything into it that I possibly can. Then, at least I could (maybe) walk away feeling like I did everything I could. I made mistakes and so did he. Lack of communication and lack of his caring to be involved in the finances has gotten us where we are today. So now at this moment I am left feeling drained/stressed/anxious/confused/worthless.....Makes me wonder if he ever DID truly love me.....True love can be fixed. Even with mistakes.....

[nobleguy]

I think my ex was in true love with me, but my lack of communication and setting of boundaries caused that love to slowly degrade until it was gone.

 

If yours is anything like mine, he is probably not entirely sure which way to go (although he probably knows deep down where it will end up). Mine is sure the marriage is over but then shows jealousy and anger towards me whenever there was a hint of someone else or if I did things that singified I was moving on (like packing her stuff or asking for keys back).

 

I have got loads of mixed messages that gave me hope, then she would slam the door of reconcilliation firmly in my face when I would buckle and tell her how great she is/was. In the end I just had to stop doing it to myself and take the hint that it was over.

 

We both put lots of effort into it when we got to the point she didn't feel she loved me anymore, but it was just too late to stop the split... You may be able to get him to try again, but TBH I wished mine hadn't and we had gone onto the path of healing earlier.

 

Sorry, but your story sounds like one that is repeated many times on here, and they never end up with a happy ending. I'm really sorry...

[bstnsoxgirl]

I guess my mind feels it's over but my heart is telling me otherwise....Thanks for your words....I have been continuing to be myself, still kind, considerate. That's just who I am. I think it angers him more but I'm not going to change that about myself. "Kill 'em with kindness" you know?

[Cranialrupture]

I know all to well how you feel. It sucks, really bad. I don't have much advice because I am pretty down on myself right now. My stbxw is getting meaner and meaner and more unstable. She is making mountains out of mole hills and continually drops bomb shells on me. The first few bounce off but after awhile it starts getting through and hurting me more. She is becoming more irrational, is looking at the kids struggle and is blaming it on me and saying I am making them worse by wanting to see them and am just out to screw her. Yes, I have not been the best dad in the world, but I was ignorant when it came to raising kids and was doing the best I could. I am now learning new ways to parent and guide my kids but she see's it as to little to late and is going to fight to keep the kids away from me. As if the her leaving was bad enough, she's turning the kids againt me and is continually to kick me while I am down. I don't understand it. I don't understand your ex either. They go nuts. The only thing I can think of is that they can live with themselves better by making the otherside as horrible as possible in their minds.

 

So yes I too am a weeping mess. The only thing I can say is I will pray for you and weep with you. The only thing I am holding onto is other people saying it will get better. I don't see it yet but I can only put trust in god and other people going through similar problems.

[bstnsoxgirl]

I am so sorry you are going through this as well. I guess that's why we all meet here, right? To gain some perspective, to meet new friends who share similar stories. He has told me he feels badly and that I wouldn't understand what he is going through. I guess this is the same as I am sure he has no clue what I am going through since we are no longer on the same page. My kids are doing extremely well with me being back home. I have seen a total turnaround. That is not to say they don't love their dad, they do. However, I have always been the main support system and they feel safe with me being there. Their needs will be met. My husband is capable of cooking, cleaning, helping with homework, etc. but has always stayed away from it. So it's what the kids and I are accustomed to...Each other. I have to ask, why would a man keep going back and forth with his statements? (I love you but not like a husband should love a wife, I'm not asking you to give up, I may find this is the biggest mistake of my life, We may come full circle and find our way back together....) Those are just some of the statements I have gotten over the last couple of months. When he is around me, he seems to be angry at me for any given reason. I can't win for losing......This is what I struggle with. The back and forth emotions on my part. One day I want to work it out, next day, not so much. So many mid-life crisis traits....

[hopesndreams]

I am so sorry you are going through this as well. I guess that's why we all meet here, right? To gain some perspective, to meet new friends who share similar stories. He has told me he feels badly and that I wouldn't understand what he is going through. I guess this is the same as I am sure he has no clue what I am going through since we are no longer on the same page. My kids are doing extremely well with me being back home. I have seen a total turnaround. That is not to say they don't love their dad, they do. However, I have always been the main support system and they feel safe with me being there. Their needs will be met. My husband is capable of cooking, cleaning, helping with homework, etc. but has always stayed away from it. So it's what the kids and I are accustomed to...Each other. I have to ask, why would a man keep going back and forth with his statements? (I love you but not like a husband should love a wife, I'm not asking you to give up, I may find this is the biggest mistake of my life, We may come full circle and find our way back together....) Those are just some of the statements I have gotten over the last couple of months. When he is around me, he seems to be angry at me for any given reason. I can't win for losing......This is what I struggle with. The back and forth emotions on my part. One day I want to work it out, next day, not so much. So many mid-life crisis traits....

 

Don't take all the blame for this. Investigate. You wouldn't be that surprised at what you would find, would you?

[jerseyboy]

Maybe Im missing something, but it seems its about a lot more, likely everyhthing but, the money thing.

 

What did you do exactly?

 

Regardless I dont buy that money to love to sex dynamic at all from him. Smells like bs

[FeelingLonely98]

Don't take all the blame for this. Investigate. You wouldn't be that surprised at what you would find, would you?

 

Sorry you're going thru this bstnsoxgirl - My story has many similarities (albeit with some shocking cake toppers!). We don't have kids together so it was easier for the STBXW to leave and discount and forget 16 very good years of M. Because of the kids I think you need to do anything you can to try to fix this.

 

I suspect that there may be more - like the previous two posts suggets. Whenever the spouse spouts the ILY but I'm not in love with you that's code for there is someone else and I want to continue with the affair and eventually leave the M. I say you investigate (cell phone records, email records, ... check at work??? ... whatever) - because if there is another woman he will NEVER try to fix the M. It will be all about painting the worst picture of you and the M - to help him justify what he is doing and to feel less guilty. Trust me (& us) - this is FAR too often the end result. Unless you can expose it and have the affair out in the open - he will never try. If it is exposed he may then try - or he may just leave for good. It's a gamble but I think it is your only chance.

 

GOOD LUCK...

 

PEACE!

[wealthpro]

Everybody makes mistakes. Your husband included. And the last I checked love was not dependant upon money. So I think your husband needs to get over it and find some other excuse becase I ain´t buying it.

You obviously love him very much though. Why don´t you offer to take some financial management courses. Or you could leave the book handeling to him.

I don´t know your situation with your kids and all but maybe you could find a part-time job to helppay off the debt.

Whatever you do, don´t give yourself all the blame and get all depressed about. Love is a two way street and compromises have to be given from both sides if you all are going to work this out.

[bstnsoxgirl]

Thank you all for your valuable input. I honestly don't think there is anyone else. I really have had no reason to doubt him in the past so I am believing him now. I have told him that was my thought, that there was somebody else. He is a person who thrives on honesty so this really (to him) wasn't so much about money, but about mistrust and honesty. When he lost the trust, he said he lost the love/feelings he had for me. I am hanging in there to see if this thing turns around. I do have a backup plan for myself and the kids if this doesn't work out. As for the money thing, I have worked a full time job and 2 part time jobs along with being a full time mom for the past year and a half. So it's not like I haven't put in my time to make up for the losses. I've done MORE than my share. We both take blame for this. He takes blame for not stepping into the financial picture much sooner and letting it get this far. We have since begun handling bills together which is a HUGE change for me. I'm used to doing it all alone. It was a lot for me to give up but knew I had to do it. Now he is seeing what it's like and where we really stand. (granted he has $16,000 less debt to deal with from selling our camper) I feel I have made the changes I am going to make. I'm still the same caring person that I will always be. That will not change. When enough time passes that I feel this is not heading in a better direction, I will take the initiative to make a decision once and for all. I'm just not 100% there either way so for now I hang in there.....Thank you all again...Keep the thoughts coming!

[FeelingLonely98]

Some thoughts (and my experience)

 

I honestly don't think there is anyone else. I really have had no reason to doubt him in the past so I am believing him now. He is a person who thrives on honesty

 

bsg - I also thought my W was the most honest open person ever. I even believed her in the beginning when she said she wanted a D and then told me there was nobody else. It was a lie. And then the lies kept coming or kept getting revealed. You Never Know!!!

 

(granted he has $16,000 less debt to deal with from selling our camper) I feel I have made the changes I am going to make. I'm still the same caring person that I will always be. That will not change.

 

My STBXW has about $25,000 in debt - I have none. (She always wanted our finances separate.) So, I wonder at times if this "stres" pushed her away and helped her to run?

 

When enough time passes that I feel this is not heading in a better direction, I will take the initiative to make a decision once and for all. I'm just not 100% there either way

 

Don't rush it either way ... take your time but don't let it stagnate and dominate your life for a long time.

 

GOOD LUCK!!!

 

PEACE!

[bstnsoxgirl]

I can honestly say that I really don't believe there is anyone else and I have to go with that. He has been at "home" a lot over the last couple of weeks and of course it gives me hope. I know in my heart of hearts he is really only there to assist with my son's late night hockey practices so my youngest son is not left alone. And that is a big help to me. We get along okay, not the best and we certainly have our moments but not always great. He tends to text me now more than talk face to face. (he is not the best with words) I think he still relies very heavily on my input and I'm sure I'm not helping by being an enabler. When he is staying at his moms house, she does everything for him. So really, he is NOT getting a taste of what "single dad life" would be like. Thanksgiving is coming and I was invited to his sisters for dinner but I'm not sure if I should go...Do I go for the kids sake? I certainly wouldn't go for mine or H's sake. Or do I let it go and skip it? Either way, he'll see what he could be missing (if I go) or what he could be missing if I don't go....Right, I will not stay in limbo mode forever. Eventually my heart and my head are going to meet up and be in agreement, whether it's to stay or go. I still live my life and people say I'm doing remarkably well. My kids are okay and that's what's important.

[Land_Of_The_Lost]

Sigh, I tried to send you a PM but it looks like the Loveshack rules will not allow them yet. I'm also sorry you're going thru this bstnsoxgirl. My marriage was in a very similar state a few years ago and for the same reasons.

 

First, I agree with the others that say you should start looking into the possibility of there being someone else in the picture. For your piece of mind if nothing else.

 

Next, get a new MC if your husband is willing to go. There is plenty a good MC can do even if one person has not decided what direction to take. Working on your communication should be a priority.

 

Google facts about financial infidelity and get the book by Bonnie Eaker Weil. Make sure your husband sees that you are reading it and you are taking a proactive stance in your marriage. Have your husband increase his role with managing the finances. Make sure it's all out in the open. It's been your burden long enough and he will get to see first hand what it takes to make sure the lights stay on.

 

I would be happy to honestly answer any questions you have since I was in your husbands shoes, but realize this will be a marathon. Your husband is also hurt and confused.

 

I think you should go to the Thanksgiving dinner, enjoy yourself, don't think about your marriage problems and show your husband the wonderful woman he could be missing. Good luck.

[bstnsoxgirl]

LOTL,

Thank you so much for your post. I know this is a tough road and I honestly don't know what to do any longer. We are in such limbo and I am afraid the longer this goes on the harder it will be to bring ourselves back....I am sure he is going through his own issues with this as he held onto it (so I am told)for a long time. So, we are both in the wrong. Myself, for holding the burden thinking I could fix it for so long and he for not coming forward as well. This all boils down to lack of communication which of course is an underlying issue we have had. Sometimes communication is good, and other times not so good. I would love to talk more with you about this, especially if you can shed some light possibly from HIS perspective. For me it's hard to walk in his shoes...I think he is having a hard time as well seeing it from my perspective. I understand why he says he finds it hard to trust me, but in all honesty, I didn't kill anyone, I didn't abuse drugs or alcohol, didn't have an affair so feel I still deserve the chance to prove it's turned around. After 17 years, I feel I at least deserve that much. He said he doesn't love me like he should but I know if he got past the negatives he could probably feel that way again. He has put up such a shield that nothing can get by. I did go to the dinner and felt very awkward. Also, the day before, I had found out he opened a Facebook account which I didn't know. His mom told me that, not him, so of course that opened up a new can of "hurt" and he sees nothing wrong with it. Said he didn't need to ask for my permission to get an account. I told him he was missing the point...Oh I don't know. I'm going on almost 3 months now of limbo and I'm growing tired and less hopeful.

[Land_Of_The_Lost]

LOTL,

After 17 years, I feel I at least deserve that much. He said he doesn't love me like he should but I know if he got past the negatives he could probably feel that way again. He has put up such a shield that nothing can get by.

 

Yes, you do deserve that much. Please understand I am not here to criticize you, just give my honest perspective and hope it helps. You are correct, you didn't kill anyone, didn't abuse drugs or alcohol and didn't have an affair. But I'll tell you from personal experience it's a real kick in the gut when you find out your spouse can look you in the eye and lie for years about anything; especially something that can cost your family their standard of living. So be careful not to minimize this to your husband or others. I'll probably get blasted on this forum for saying it, but I've been cheated on in three previous relationships (at least that I know of) and the financial infidelity I've experienced felt very much like the same thing. In fact, having BTDT, I pretty much assumed my wife was cheating on me from all the signs and was working on my exit strategy.

 

Did you find a new MC? Right now that shield he has up is a defense mechanism because he does not trust you. If your husband does not have the tools or skill set to communicate these things and work on them, getting an experienced third party will go a long way. One of the biggest factors that slowed recovery in my marriage was lack of effort and action on the part of my wife.

 

From the last part of your post it your husband may being doing what is called the 180. I don't have time to look it up and post it here, but you may be well served by trying something similar.

 

Another book suggestion is Love Busters: Protecting Your Marriage from Habits That Destroy Romantic Love. Good luck, we are all pulling for you and your family.

[bstnsoxgirl]

LOTL,

Thanks again. I completely understand you are not criticizing me. I didn't take it that way at all and I appreciate your words. Yes, I have looked at it from his side, even though I feel he has not looked at it from my view. However, I am smart enough to know I can only control things that I choose to do. I can't control his actions/feelings/thoughts so I must focus on my own.

I did look up the rules of the 180. I feel I do a lot of those already so it would not be so difficult for me to adopt many of the others, as difficult as they may seem. As much as there are MANY things I would LIKE to say, and in my "previous" life WOULD have said, I now think and pick my words wisely. It's something like what I tell my kids: You have to pick and choose your battles. Make sure the one you pick is the right one for the right reasons.

I know in my heart of hearts I have made changes already and I don't know if he has noticed them or not but again, I can't control his actions. I know I did them for ME, not for anyone else. I have come a long way in the last 3 months with this and for that I have to admit, I am very proud. I never thought 3 months ago I would be in the frame of mind I am in today. Now, mind you, I still have VERY tough days/moments but I am learning to deal with them. I am strongest for my kids which is what I need to be right now.

No, we have not even discussed another MC. I would like to bring it up but in all honesty, if HE wanted to do this, shouldn't HE make the suggestion? I mean, he knows how I feel so would it really have the same impact if I were the one to suggest it? I would love to go this route, but am not sure it's right for me to suggest it......????

We did have a nice conversation last week and I did ask him if he ever thought out reconciling. He said he has thought about it a number of times but it was out of his control. Now, with that, I COULD have said, "no, that is totally in your control" but opted not to. Some things he really needs to figure out on his own. I have always done the thinking for all of us and it's high time I stopped doing that.

I know the shield is defense and sometimes, just sometimes, he will let that down. I guess it seems to be when I back off and he feels comfortable enough to do so.

He has been home with us for the last 5 nights and told me today he is going to his mothers. I'm not sure WHY he does this other than he gets the best of everything. He can go to his moms to get away, he can come home when he wants to/feels like it. Very hard on all of us I think......I don't know if he gets too comfortable and feels it's back to the "old routine" and gets scared and that's why he leaves.....Very odd to me but I don't question it...Not right now, anyhow.....

[Land_Of_The_Lost]

"No, we have not even discussed another MC. I would like to bring it up but in all honesty, if HE wanted to do this, shouldn't HE make the suggestion? I mean, he knows how I feel so would it really have the same impact if I were the one to suggest it? I would love to go this route, but am not sure it's right for me to suggest it......????

We did have a nice conversation last week and I did ask him if he ever thought out reconciling. He said he has thought about it a number of times but it was out of his control. Now, with that, I COULD have said, "no, that is totally in your control" but opted not to. Some things he really needs to figure out on his own. I have always done the thinking for all of us and it's high time I stopped doing that."

 

If you want MC, then shop around for one you like and schedule an appointment for a time when you know your husband will be available. Then invite your husband to join you. Go by yourself if you have to. It will show him you are moving forward regardless of his decisions.

 

Yes, it is time for your husband to put on his big boy pants and start thinking and acting on his own. I can almost guarantee you he is watching and noticing your changes. For what it's worth I think you are doing great. No matter what the outcome, you are becoming a better you...