Do your friends and relatives say "Lighten up" on your criteria?

[b52s]

So many times I've seen men and women who have mentioned the reason they're still single was due to their strict criteria.

 

But, I was wondering, if relatives and their own friends are telling them they should really start lightening up on their criteria, should they take heed?

 

This kind of speaks volumes, esp. when their friends are constantly hearing them complain how they can't find a date or anyone. Eventually, the friends will say, "Listen, you need to start dating guys less than 6 feet or that perhaps have a receding hairline, because if you keep this up, you'll be single always."

 

That being said, has anyone ever taken heed at this kind of advice given by friends and relatives?

[ADF]

There is such a thing as being too picky, and friends and relatives can often spot it earlier than we can.

 

The best advice I've heard on this issue came from advice columnist Dna Savage. He said if your list of absolute deal breakers is more than about five items long, the problem is you. Stop looking for "the One." The one is a lie. No one has a "soul mate." No two people are perfectly suited to each other in every way. There is no settling down without some settling for.

[jerseyboy]

Nah havent gotten the lower standards talk lol. But thats because they realize it isnt my problem. I'm just a little past commitment at this point in my life, and enjoy my freedom as it were. Dating hasnt ever been a problem, although realistically I suppose it will be at some point. But there has always been a lot of girls etc etc.

 

I do get the "youre going to end up alone talks"

 

Even worse, and this is kind of weirding me out some, my youngest sister slyly keeps trying to set me up with her gf's which she has never done before. Nothing too dramatic. Just the (insert name) told me your brother is so hot etc. Or inviting me out more where one of them is there in a subtle try to pair them off situation.

[b52s]

Nah havent gotten the lower standards talk lol. But thats because they realize it isnt my problem. I'm just a little past commitment at this point in my life, and enjoy my freedom as it were. Dating hasnt ever been a problem, although realistically I suppose it will be at some point. But there has always been a lot of girls etc etc.

 

I do get the "youre going to end up alone talks"

 

Even worse, and this is kind of weirding me out some, my youngest sister slyly keeps trying to set me up with her gf's which she has never done before. Nothing too dramatic. Just the (insert name) told me your brother is so hot etc. Or inviting me out more where one of them is there in a subtle try to pair them off situation.

 

I think that's what happens, they try to introduce you (not set you up) to their friends...be it a BBQ or house party. If they're friend will be there, they'll invite you, too.

 

Then they realize that you're not interested...and you get "the talk", "Maybe you should consider changing your standards (not lowering them)"

[jerseyboy]

I think that's what happens, they try to introduce you (not set you up) to their friends...be it a BBQ or house party. If they're friend will be there, they'll invite you, too.

 

Then they realize that you're not interested...and you get "the talk", "Maybe you should consider changing your standards (not lowering them)"

 

 

My sister is very intelligent. My mom is the mroe direct one, my sis is much more subtle. But given the fact that shes the youngest, by consequence of age we never were a"lets get together and hang out" all the time kindf of brother and sister. I love her to death, dont get me wrong, and shes good company, just always busier with other things etc. So there is only so much she can do to hide it, as its out of the norm blah blah

 

Not really a problem, except I feel bad, like im rejectiung her friends etc, who are obviously more "involved" with what is transpiring. And it isnt that her friends are unattractive or uninteresting. What I find most amusing is how good her taste in women really is lol If I had metr them on my own Id likely have dated a number of them.

 

But they are actually her friends, and not women shes bumping into trying to set up with her brother. Id prefer avoiding the drama, and giving her the drama, of having to deal with the break up down the road, likely costing her a friend in the process.

 

My oldest sister is onyl two years younger than me. So when we were growing up high school/college etc I dated her friends. I mean a lot of her firends actually, at least all the attractive ones. I was young , selfish and immature, and they were always around, so you end up doing we what boys and girls do. But it caused her a lot of stress and pain, having to deal with her friends when I stopped seeing them, and more than occasionally having to cover for me with them when I was seeing mutual friends at the same time. Im surprised she put up with it as long as she did, but she loved me and we were otherwise close.

 

One day she talked to me, started crying, and told me it was hurting her. That she couldnt even tell any more who her friends were, and felt a lot of them were only friendly with her to date her brother. After that I just stopped messing with anyone who was friendly with my sister, and havent since. And I dont wish to start it back up again with my younger sister at this point

[b52s]

I was young , selfish and immature, and they were always around, so you end up doing we what boys and girls do. But it caused her a lot of stress and pain, having to deal with her friends when I stopped seeing them,

 

What kind of behaviour are you referring to, and has your behaviour changed since that time period? Perhaps things will be different?

[jerseyboy]

What kind of behaviour are you referring to, and has your behaviour changed since that time period? Perhaps things will be different?

 

 

I used and treated women shabbily. I mean really disgustingly.

 

I mean I wasnt verbally or physically abusive. The opposite really. And I didnt take or steal from them. But in a sick way it was worse cause although I wasnt hiding some deep secret desire to do so, I came across as a way nicer person than I truly was or perhaps am.

 

I just took what I wanted from them (not forcibly but you get it) without any regard for how much I was hurting people, I mean really hurting people. My mom became a virtual self help line for these girls. I wouldnt want t talk to them any more, so they would talk to and cry about it to my mom or sister. A few and it was like a year later and tbnhey were still crying to my mom. Got to the point where my mom said I was no longer allowed to introduce girls to her, she felt so bad about it all. And any girl that I was seeing, or even just girls that came around the house, she would give the "speech" to which amounted to boys only want one thing, especially my son, so dont give it to him lol. Eventually she forbade my sister from even having friends over the house, as she felt it was becoming a brothel. I would wake up in the middle of the night, when my parenta had gone to sleep, to mess with them. So my poor mom couldnt even rest at night when they were over and would have to keep waking up to make sure I wasnt avign sex with one of my sisters friends. She would hide it from my sister, I think cause she didnt want my sister thinking or knowing about sex, so up until our talk which I mentioned earlier, she wasnt even aware I was messing with them on sleepovers (hence her feelings that the were only friends, coming over to spend time with her, to see her brother etc)

 

But some of the things that get me the most are like I recall this one girl, I never did anythign with her, but she liked me so much. Even grabbing and doing my laundry although I had never asked or wanted her to. One weekend I wanted to go to the beach with this other girl, but she had a paper to write for class, and wasnt going to be able to go, as it would literally take her al weekend to complete the project. One of those assignments you were supposed to start well in advance. So I got the other girl to do it for her, promised to take her out to dinner if she would, and she did it. So f'ing degrading. And I didnt even ever take her out to dinner to add insult to injury.

 

Well you get the idea.

 

Progress into adult life and it was different , but still pretty bad. I think thats the real reason why ive never gotten married. I think I know deep down what Im capable of, and as bad as it would be to hurt a gf etc, or break some girls heart, it would be entirely monumentally worst to completely screw up her life with marriage, and possibly even a childs.

 

I mean not that I cant be faithful, I have been in several ,long term relationships and managed it, but I always feel there is something lacking.Not necessarily the sex, although yeah if someone is especially attractive that can become a chore as well.

 

IU dont know, maybe its the charge of someone new liking you, does that make any sense?

[Thornton]

I get the "reduce your standards" talk all the time, starting from about age 28 and continuing to the present day (I'm 30). My mother always tells me that my aunt's standards were too high, so she never met anyone she liked, then when she turned 40 she took up with this divorced alcoholic gambler with two dreadful kids, simply out of sheer desperation. She never really loved him, and ten years later when she was dying of cancer he wasn't there for her and she spent her last months alone. A sad and depressing story, but my mother tries to use it to frighten me into settling for what she calls "a good man" (i.e. someone acceptable whom I don't necessarily love, but who wil take care of me). I usually take no notice - I'm only 30, I'm not that desperate... yet

[threebyfate]

So many times I've seen men and women who have mentioned the reason they're still single was due to their strict criteria.

 

But, I was wondering, if relatives and their own friends are telling them they should really start lightening up on their criteria, should they take heed?

 

This kind of speaks volumes, esp. when their friends are constantly hearing them complain how they can't find a date or anyone. Eventually, the friends will say, "Listen, you need to start dating guys less than 6 feet or that perhaps have a receding hairline, because if you keep this up, you'll be single always."

 

That being said, has anyone ever taken heed at this kind of advice given by friends and relatives?

Yes I have. Each time I've been more open to someone who doesn't meet my criteria, it's been to my detriment.

 

Don't settle, as long as your list is reasonable, in that whatever you expect, is what you can bring to the table.

 

IMO, where people fail, is to prioritize the superficial before the internals.

[torranceshipman]

JerseyBoy, you're an honest guy! Not flaming you - just genuinely curious - why did/do you treat women so badly? I mean, I guess quite a lot of us could choose to be cruel and play with people too, but don't, as we don't want to be mean and hurt other people...why did/do you do it?

 

To the OP...yea, I got told this a lot, to lighten up/lower my standards/etc...no chance. Why compromise? I like spending time in my own company so why be with someone that doesn't totally meet my preferences in a partner, just to have someone around? They'd just annoy me. I do notice that many people think it must be some kind of personality deficiency you have that make you be (shock, horror) single, and quite picky about who you want to be with. My boyfriend is amazing and exactly the person I was looking for, and if I'd compromized before meeting him (by dating a 'great on paper' type that friends/family thought I'd be mad NOT to date), then that would lead me into the miserable situation of being with the wrong guy, and missing out on the opportunity on being with this great one. Just don't listen if people tell you to lighten up...do your own thing! And never apologize for being single!

[jerseyboy]

JerseyBoy, you're an honest guy! Not flaming you - just genuinely curious - why did/do you treat women so badly? I mean, I guess quite a lot of us could choose to be cruel and play with people too, but don't, as we don't want to be mean and hurt other people...why did/do you do it?

 

!

 

 

I cant really say its one thing. Its more like an unfortunate confluence of many different things altogether.

 

And Im sort of hesitant to respond, because doing so strikes as rationalization in trying to somehow justify ones poor behavior. Along the lines of its not really me, but all these other things that happened to me.

 

Im responsibel for my own behavior. It isnt anyone elses fault. Its no excused by other things. Everyone has issues, and they deal.

 

That said I think my childhood was part of it. I grew up in a rough neighborhood. Long story short around 5th grade some older gang of kids threw soemthing at my mom, my dad broke one of the kids jaws, and the neighborhood was full of extended families. That point on through high school was a nightmare. I mean truly f'ing horrific. I wouldnt even repeat some of the things that happened to me here. But to say I fought every day from then till high school is no exxageration. And as most of them were juniors and senoirs in high school, or even out of school, you can pretty much guess how that went. Just to give it some texture I recall vividly one day they chased me down with their car, they got out, punched me a few times, and then one of therm stuck a gun in my mouth. Told me I should go home and tell my dad so he would come out and they could kill him. I was even thrown out into highway traffic once. It wasnt "kid stuff" is I guess what Im trying to say.

 

And it just wasnt outside of school, a lot of their cousins went to my school. so even so much as talking to me in a friendly way would get the person in trouble.Suffice to say it was a lonely time:) Im likely not self aware enough to really comprehend what long term effects precipitated from that, and to discern which was because of that and which is just me. But I do recall things liek being a kid, I kept almost all of it hidden except when I couldnt (come home covered in yoru own blood etc). I didnt want my dad toi know cause whenever he found out he would do something to them, usually pretty severe, and as a consequence it would get worst. Im still pretty much that way today. I dont share my problems with other people. I deal with them myself and just bury the rest.

 

I can recall crying to myself as a kid over it all, thinking not one person in the world likes me. I mean not just tearing up, but like hysterical sobbing.. I mention it because I think a lot of things stem from that. I just developed coping patterns I kept through my early life especially, but some even till this day.IM secretly distant, very good at hiding it from people.If I sense someone is rejecting me in some way, I can close off to them real quickly. I think I cope by not letting them matter too much to me. Ive never really been able to, with rare exceptions, fixate on someone. Like most peoiple I know meet someone, and its OMG I have to be with that person, and theyll pursue them forever to make it happen. I dont feel that way about women, I think I should, and there is something there I just cant put my finger on.

 

Its kind of train of thought so bear with me.

 

By the time I got to high school I was too big for people to screw around with. I was prolly 6'2 by freshman year, and was always a big armed broad shouldered kid. Was also boxing for years by then. And so for me I think surviving became about being harder than other guys. I know even till this day I have no patience for any bs from other guys. None at all.

 

So flash forward and I think there are definitely need for validation issues with girls In those teen years especially, and even into and through college, Im pretty sure I equated sex with love. In the sense that I thought if shes having sex with me, she must love me, and I needed that validation in an unhealthy way. For certain my self perception was poor back then. I never felt that I was lovable, and because I was always hiding so much of me inside, it never felt real even when someone did care for me, becauase they didnt really know me, and I guess in my mind I felt if they did they wouldnt like me. Even when people complimented me I never took it as genuine. I remember a guy friend breaking down to me one time, telling me how lucky I was, how he wished he looked just like me, and thinking wtf is he talking about.

 

But its a lot of other things as well.

 

Being young and perpetually horny was part of it. Probably more so than even most guys, even to this day really. But I thinbk I still equate sex and validation in some ways, so that might be part of my libido as well.

 

And part of it was because I could. I was tall, reasonably good looking, deep resonant voice., and grew up around all alpha male types who pretty much formed my personality.Even when I was shy and awkward, girls took it as arrogant and conceited lol I suppose I can guess at why girls were always kind of available to me now as an adult. Sometimes ridiculously so. Like girls who would write you asking if youd be their first. That kind of nonsense.

 

And dont misunderstand. I did often feel badly about it. I didnt want to hurt anyone. More like a drug addict. You know youre hurting those around you, you dont wish to, feel horrible about it, but cant make yourself stop.

 

Its already way too much info. Sorry I guess I just started thinking out loud as it were.