heysenberg Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Sorry for my English I'm from Brazil. I'd like to ask you to be impartial when reading my thread. I am 23 and I've been with my gf for 2.5 years. We have a good relationship and I can see her as being my wife in some time. The thing is, Even though I want to stay with her for long, I just can't see myself dating ONLY her to the rest of my life. (Now I can imagine what you are thinking about me, but please try to put yourself in my shoes) I think this would be OK for most women, but is it really OK for men to think about themselves dating a single woman for the rest of their lives? Sometimes I imagine myself at my 30's regretting that I was once young and I could have met many interesting women, but it's just too late. Maybe I am like this because I was a VERY shy and problematic teen who kissed a girl for the first time when 18. Until there I didn't have any friends and didn't live life at all. It seems that now I finally learned how to live and have fun and I want to do everything that I didn't do when I was younger, but I'm committed to a relationship. I wonder how other people feel about this?
ADF Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Here's a reality check for you: most women have trouble with fidelity, too. Let's be honest. You said, "I imagine myself at my 30's regretting that I was once young and I could have met many interesting women." I have a feeling that "met" is not the word you really want. What I think you really mean is you want to f___ other women, right? You need to make a choice. You say you and your GF have a good relationships. If f___ing other women is more important than staying with your GF, you need to tell her how you feel. She'll probably slap you, but then you'll be free to do what you want. But let me tell you, I am 40, and I would never turn away a good woman for the chance to maybe have sex with more people. Look at it this way: if he leave her, you may be alone in your 30s and wish you hadn't.
PandorasBox Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 What do you mean dating one girl for the rest of your life? Do you mean married to one girl for the rest of your life? You're 23, live some, no one said you had to be tied to one person if you do not want to be. If you want to date other people and not get married or be committed in a relationship, then that's what you do. I wills ay though, marriage is something you need to take seriously and really think about before going into it. If you think you can't do it, then you probably can't.
phineas Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 I didn't even thing of marriage until I was over 30. I married at 34. I had no problem with the fact that I could only be with my wife for the rest of my life. She did though. Hence divorce. you are too young to be thinking like that honestly.
Ronni_W Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 It seems that now I finally learned how to live and have fun and I want to do everything that I didn't do when I was younger, but I'm committed to a relationship. If you want to explore your sexuality in the company of other women and find out what else life has to offer in general, then you'd best do that NOW...BEFORE you get married to whomever you will eventually marry. Which does mean ending your current relationship...or cheating on your current girlfriend. It depends what your values are, about the latter. Lots of people do start to have similar thoughts and urges if they've only had one sexual partner...it's not "weird" or unusual in any way. It's just that you ought to deal with yours in a manner that will allow you and your girlfriend to each maintain your dignity and self-esteem. If you leave her now, it will hurt. If you screw around on her, now or after you're married, it will suck...and hurt even more. This is an adult choice that you need to make for yourself, based on your own wants, needs, values, short-term goals and life goals.
Author heysenberg Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 If you want to explore your sexuality in the company of other women and find out what else life has to offer in general, then you'd best do that NOW...BEFORE you get married to whomever you will eventually marry. Which does mean ending your current relationship...or cheating on your current girlfriend. It depends what your values are, about the latter. Lots of people do start to have similar thoughts and urges if they've only had one sexual partner...it's not "weird" or unusual in any way. It's just that you ought to deal with yours in a manner that will allow you and your girlfriend to each maintain your dignity and self-esteem. If you leave her now, it will hurt. If you screw around on her, now or after you're married, it will suck...and hurt even more. This is an adult choice that you need to make for yourself, based on your own wants, needs, values, short-term goals and life goals. You got exactly my point! If I leave her to explore my youth I may regret it. It will also hurt her deeply and I'll feel that I'm being selfish by dropping her play around. Sometimes I think that I should just screw around, making sure she never finds out. She sure doesn't deserve it, but I believe she would actually prefer that than breaking up. If she never finds out, would it be wrong? This is all hypothetical, it's not like I'm going to do anything right now, so bare with me
PandorasBox Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 (edited) -"If I leave her to explore my youth I may regret it". Its a chance you might need to take though. You might regret it more later on down the road, or kick yourself because you didn't at least see. -"Sometimes I think that I should just screw around, making sure she never finds out". That's not the answer. And at some point she will find out. -"She sure doesn't deserve it, but I believe she would actually prefer that than breaking up". You're right she doesn't deserve it, she deserves better than someone to run around on her. I highly doubt she will prefer it over breaking up, and sounds like a justification on your part to do it. If anything it would hurt her more if you choose to run around. Running around on her while you're still seeing her would be selfish, you're wanting your cake and eat it too. I say, make a choice. Either stay with her period, or break things off with her so you can explore other options out there.Who knows, it might give her the time to explore and see what else is out there too, or is that what you're afraid of? Edited November 18, 2009 by PandorasBox
VeveCakes Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 You got exactly my point! If I leave her to explore my youth I may regret it. It will also hurt her deeply and I'll feel that I'm being selfish by dropping her play around. Sometimes I think that I should just screw around, making sure she never finds out. She sure doesn't deserve it, but I believe she would actually prefer that than breaking up. If she never finds out, would it be wrong? This is all hypothetical, it's not like I'm going to do anything right now, so bare with me Guess what, time to man up and enter the real world. In the real world you don't get to have your cake and eat it too. You have to make a decision like a big boy. Do you risk losing the love of your girlfriend to go out and explore other women, or do you risk never knowing what was out there? It's called being a grown up, making decisions that aren't easy and don't have an obvious right choice. Do the right thing, do not cheat on your girlfriend. She does not deserve that, and if you do, you do not deserve her. Are you willing to damage a women you "love" to get yourself with another woman? Very selfish.
Author heysenberg Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 (edited) I expected the replies to take the "moral" side. But somehow I guess that the real life is about making more than binary decisions. There's always another choices. I also always believed in fidelity and all. I used to judge people who took immoral choices all the time, but now I see that I'm not better than anyone. Everybody talks about love like it's something so tangible... Hell it's not... I admire my girlfriend in all aspects. I love the time we spend together, the way she smiles, etc... I love her physically and emotionally, however other women keeping driving me crazy. Does that mean I don't love her? I don't think so. Sometimes I think that we built a society that is bad for all of us. Men just aren't monogamist beings, we actually PRACTICE monogamy for convenience and survival, definitely not because we like it. PS: I'm not saying that cheating is right, but surely the answer isn't so simple. Edited November 18, 2009 by heysenberg
JackJack Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 I don't think anyone is questioning whether you love her or not. I'm sure you do. It basically comes down to choice, and I'm sure the choice might not be easy. Maybe you need to sit down and talk with ehr about your feelings on this issue.
Author heysenberg Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 I don't think anyone is questioning whether you love her or not. I'm sure you do. It basically comes down to choice, and I'm sure the choice might not be easy. Maybe you need to sit down and talk with ehr about your feelings on this issue. Thanks It's good to hear someone believe me, even if a stranger. It's also good to see that everyone finds this a hard decision, so I'm not alone. I just wish I could throw a coin and it would tell me the right thing to do
Ronni_W Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 If I leave her to explore my youth I may regret it. As PB said, that is YOUR problem that you're going to have to deal with once you start feeling those regrets. If/when you get to that point, hire a psychotherapist. It is actually selfish to STAY if you don't want to be there, or if you're consciously planning to screw around on her. Don't stay with your girlfriend just because you don't have the courage to leave! Sometimes I think that I should just screw around, making sure she never finds out. She sure doesn't deserve it, but I believe she would actually prefer that than breaking up. I'm sure you WANT to believe that But, why don't you ASK HER what are her preferences? Even if you two were already married you wouldn't get to decide what she may or may not prefer! She gets to determine her OWN experiences...just like you do. But if you really do believe that...go and ask her. I'll wait here, for you to come back and tell us what her response was. If she never finds out, would it be wrong?You know how she'll find out? You won't have the courage to shoulder the burden of your own "secret"; you'll end up being crushed under the weight of your own guilt. Then you will roll-over on yourself, you will squeal (on yourself) like a stuck pig, and you'll plead that it "just happened" and you "didn't know what you were doing." That's how she'll find out. But if you won't do that; if you'll be able to forgive yourself for all the rest of your natural days, then go for it. Why not? BTW, in your first post you apologized for your English...but I can't figure out why(?) Your English is excellent!
Author heysenberg Posted November 19, 2009 Author Posted November 19, 2009 As PB said, that is YOUR problem that you're going to have to deal with once you start feeling those regrets. If/when you get to that point, hire a psychotherapist. It is actually selfish to STAY if you don't want to be there, or if you're consciously planning to screw around on her. Don't stay with your girlfriend just because you don't have the courage to leave! I'm sure you WANT to believe that But, why don't you ASK HER what are her preferences? Even if you two were already married you wouldn't get to decide what she may or may not prefer! She gets to determine her OWN experiences...just like you do. But if you really do believe that...go and ask her. I'll wait here, for you to come back and tell us what her response was. You know how she'll find out? You won't have the courage to shoulder the burden of your own "secret"; you'll end up being crushed under the weight of your own guilt. Then you will roll-over on yourself, you will squeal (on yourself) like a stuck pig, and you'll plead that it "just happened" and you "didn't know what you were doing." That's how she'll find out. But if you won't do that; if you'll be able to forgive yourself for all the rest of your natural days, then go for it. Why not? BTW, in your first post you apologized for your English...but I can't figure out why(?) Your English is excellent! Thanks for the reply man... I don't wanna be mean at all, but when you mention how she would find out, is that your personal experience?
Author heysenberg Posted November 19, 2009 Author Posted November 19, 2009 Here's a reality check for you: most women have trouble with fidelity, too. Let's be honest. You said, "I imagine myself at my 30's regretting that I was once young and I could have met many interesting women." I have a feeling that "met" is not the word you really want. What I think you really mean is you want to f___ other women, right? You need to make a choice. You say you and your GF have a good relationships. If f___ing other women is more important than staying with your GF, you need to tell her how you feel. She'll probably slap you, but then you'll be free to do what you want. But let me tell you, I am 40, and I would never turn away a good woman for the chance to maybe have sex with more people. Look at it this way: if he leave her, you may be alone in your 30s and wish you hadn't. Hey there, I didn't see your reply before. When I mean meeting, of course I mean sex, but you know there's much attached to it. All the thrill, adventure and even experiences you wouldn't have otherwise. I don't know about you, but I enjoy the memories of all girls I have met, even the "bad" ones.
Ronni_W Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 I don't wanna be mean at all, but when you mention how she would find out, is that your personal experience? It's a legit question...not "mean" in the slightest. It's just my personal observation. I've seen it happen but never had it happen to me or done it to anyone else (speaking about cheating and guilt.) Or did you mean guilt in general? I have felt the weight of it but not in context of trying to keep whatever awful thing I had done a secret. All sorts of confessions occur just so people can relieve their own feelings of guilt, though (not just about cheating.)
LindaLiss Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 if you have trouble seeing yourself in your 30's being happy with the same person then you truly dont love her as much. You shouldnt even think about being unfaithful if youre so happy with your girl, thats just wrong, and if you wanna be a gigolo, there's this thing called polyamorous relationships, go check it out, you might meet someone with your same views there.
Author heysenberg Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 if you have trouble seeing yourself in your 30's being happy with the same person then you truly dont love her as much. You shouldnt even think about being unfaithful if youre so happy with your girl, thats just wrong, and if you wanna be a gigolo, there's this thing called polyamorous relationships, go check it out, you might meet someone with your same views there. You don't know what the word "gigolo" means do you? http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/gigolo
Author heysenberg Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 My girlfriend was spending the weekend here. A couple hours ago she asked me if there was anything wrong so I took the courage to tell her, everything... It took about 30 minutes for her to pack her things and I was incredibly emotionless, until she really started crying so I couldn't take it anymore. Now that she's gone is that I really started crying lol... Please say anything to cheer me up
james123 Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 I can understand your situation, was in your place when I was younger.
norajane Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 My girlfriend was spending the weekend here. A couple hours ago she asked me if there was anything wrong so I took the courage to tell her, everything... It took about 30 minutes for her to pack her things and I was incredibly emotionless, until she really started crying so I couldn't take it anymore. Now that she's gone is that I really started crying lol...Oh, I feel sorry for you. Because of this: Maybe I am like this because I was a VERY shy and problematic teen who kissed a girl for the first time when 18. Until there I didn't have any friends and didn't live life at all. It seems that now I finally learned how to live and have fun and I want to do everything that I didn't do when I was younger, but I'm committed to a relationship.Did you ever consider that the reason you have "learned how to live and have fun" is because you were with your gf? Being with her gave you confidence and she very likely had a lot to do with bringing you out of your shell, bringing people into your life, and giving you an opportunity to have fun and live. That being with her made you feel loved and thus comfortable with yourself? Now that you are on your own again...well, good luck.
Author heysenberg Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 Oh, I feel sorry for you. Because of this: Did you ever consider that the reason you have "learned how to live and have fun" is because you were with your gf? Being with her gave you confidence and she very likely had a lot to do with bringing you out of your shell, bringing people into your life, and giving you an opportunity to have fun and live. That being with her made you feel loved and thus comfortable with yourself? Now that you are on your own again...well, good luck. When I started dating her I was already a completely different person, far from being shy. On the other hand, I gotta say that yes, we had wonderful moments and I learned a lot with her, and so she did with me, but I just needed something else and it wasn't fair to stay with her anymore. Although I feel really sad, I'm 90% sure I did the right think, and it comforts me...
Author heysenberg Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 Also, I could see I wasn't making her happy, cause I didn't have that passion anymore. I could see it was reflecting deeply into her self-esteem as well.
norajane Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 Also, I could see I wasn't making her happy, cause I didn't have that passion anymore. I could see it was reflecting deeply into her self-esteem as well. But you said this in your first post: We have a good relationship and I can see her as being my wife in some time. Those are two very different relationships. As is the advice that you'd get.
Author heysenberg Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 To be honest, I've always been uncertain about my feelings about her. We really had a great friendship, but I guess it was more a friendship than a boy / girl relation.
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