Andyman Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 This is probably a really dumb post, but I'm really struggling and need a little support and advice. (SORRY MODS- POSTED EARLIER IN THE WRONG FORUM) I'll try and make it real short. My girlfriend and I were together for a relatively short time- about 7 months. We've both had plenty of partners and lovers and aren't newbies to all this. She's 34 and I'm 40. She was always keen on having a child with me and had always been clear and honest about that with me. I have no children but would love to have them so I was happy that we were on the same page. Five months into the relationship she became pregnant- yes it was a genuine accident- and we were both so happy about this. The week that followed I noticed a subtle decline in affection and contact (we don't live together). Anyway, a few days later she says that she doesn't want to be my partner, and that we would just be co-parents. That was a tough week. I really loved and adored this woman. We've had ups and downs but we got through them because I felt we had a real strong bond. She went out of her way to tell me she had withdrawn because of my weight. I have lost weight but not as quickly as she liked, so I was left isolated and pretty lost. Anyway, I kept up the contact on a mostly daily basis and I would stay with her and her gorgeous young daughter on the weekend. It went pretty well, occasional moments of stress, but I was trying hard to be there for her during what was a tough pregnancy, with companionship and practical support. Sadly, she had a miscarriage last week. Even during the scan, it was like I wasn't there and my feelings did not matter. Obviously we were both devastated. That night we managed to have a really dumb text message argument (was so dumb). I apologized the next day but she couldn't get me off the fone faster if she tried. That was the last conversation we had. I found out that she had a curette, and all went well according to her Mom. Since then I have received a stinging SMS abusing me for contacting her Mom and the following day, some of my stuff was returned with a note telling me to get lost and that she wants know more contact at all, as well as a letter she wrote a few weeks before, criticizing me harshly again about my slow weight loss. Ok, gotta accept what you can't change. But it's strange and deeply hurtful behavior. Now, and this is just so weird, I find that she is already back on the web dating site where we first met. I know she must be as sad as I am about our loss, but my loss is not recognized at all, and now, well I just don't get what she's doing. In the space of a week she's looking for a new boyfriend? I accept we are never going to be together again, and I have started the "no contact" process, but I feel for her and her pain. And my pain just seems to get worse. I know there's not much good news coming my way but I need some insight to help me through the next few days. Any insights would be welcome folks.
Thebob Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 This is probably a really dumb post, but I'm really struggling and need a little support and advice. (SORRY MODS- POSTED EARLIER IN THE WRONG FORUM) I'll try and make it real short. My girlfriend and I were together for a relatively short time- about 7 months. We've both had plenty of partners and lovers and aren't newbies to all this. She's 34 and I'm 40. She was always keen on having a child with me and had always been clear and honest about that with me. I have no children but would love to have them so I was happy that we were on the same page. Five months into the relationship she became pregnant- yes it was a genuine accident- and we were both so happy about this. The week that followed I noticed a subtle decline in affection and contact (we don't live together). Anyway, a few days later she says that she doesn't want to be my partner, and that we would just be co-parents. That was a tough week. I really loved and adored this woman. We've had ups and downs but we got through them because I felt we had a real strong bond. She went out of her way to tell me she had withdrawn because of my weight. I have lost weight but not as quickly as she liked, so I was left isolated and pretty lost. Anyway, I kept up the contact on a mostly daily basis and I would stay with her and her gorgeous young daughter on the weekend. It went pretty well, occasional moments of stress, but I was trying hard to be there for her during what was a tough pregnancy, with companionship and practical support. Sadly, she had a miscarriage last week. Even during the scan, it was like I wasn't there and my feelings did not matter. Obviously we were both devastated. That night we managed to have a really dumb text message argument (was so dumb). I apologized the next day but she couldn't get me off the fone faster if she tried. That was the last conversation we had. I found out that she had a curette, and all went well according to her Mom. Since then I have received a stinging SMS abusing me for contacting her Mom and the following day, some of my stuff was returned with a note telling me to get lost and that she wants know more contact at all, as well as a letter she wrote a few weeks before, criticizing me harshly again about my slow weight loss. Ok, gotta accept what you can't change. But it's strange and deeply hurtful behavior. Now, and this is just so weird, I find that she is already back on the web dating site where we first met. I know she must be as sad as I am about our loss, but my loss is not recognized at all, and now, well I just don't get what she's doing. In the space of a week she's looking for a new boyfriend? I accept we are never going to be together again, and I have started the "no contact" process, but I feel for her and her pain. And my pain just seems to get worse. I know there's not much good news coming my way but I need some insight to help me through the next few days. Any insights would be welcome folks. Be strong man, she obviously is a very emotional person and when she had a very difficult time with the miss-carriage and she blew all of the blame on you. It's not fair and I really don't know what to say. That is a weird reaction from a female and it seemed like she didn't even think you felt anything about the miss-carriage. Sorry to hear man, but stay strong and were here to help you out if you have anymore posts. Thebob
Author Andyman Posted November 19, 2009 Author Posted November 19, 2009 Thanks Thebob, it helps a lot.
dietpepsi Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Thats a terrible situation. Until she makes peace with the miscarriage, she will probably add you to the pain of the situation. It's not your fault, and men can be emotional too about that type of situation, it is completely normal. But the anxiety mixed with all the hormones a women can have from losing a baby makes it so much worse for them. They don't think as they normally would. Personal Experience. Regardless of how you guys ended up, she probably does not really hate you, but hates she lost a child. One day she will probably realize this, once she makes peace with it.
Author Andyman Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 Thanks guys, it really does help. Will let you know how things progress.
Ody Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 (edited) She was always keen on having a child with me and had always been clear and honest about that with me. I have no children but would love to have them so I was happy that we were on the same page. Five months into the relationship she became pregnant- yes it was a genuine accident- and we were both so happy about this. The week that followed I noticed a subtle decline in affection and contact (we don't live together). Anyway, a few days later she says that she doesn't want to be my partner, and that we would just be co-parents. Have you considered that the middle statement might not be true? What was your birth control method? In any case this sounds painful. I suggest you continue to try to just move on. Good luck. EDIT - Also, contacting her mom for medical information after she told you she doesn't want to be your partner and broke off contact was not cool. I hope you realize that. Edited November 23, 2009 by Ody
Author Andyman Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 Sorry Ody, you have misread my post. I contacted her Mom BEFORE she broke off contact, and it was not for medical information, simply to ascertain how she was feeling. I loved her and was seeking nothing other than her condition. It was friendly contact and her Mom was free to decline my call (which she welcomed and said I could call anytime, but I won't). And yes, I can confirm it was an accidental pregnancy.
Ody Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 (edited) Sorry Ody, you have misread my post. I contacted her Mom BEFORE she broke off contact, and it was not for medical information, simply to ascertain how she was feeling. I loved her and was seeking nothing other than her condition. It was friendly contact and her Mom was free to decline my call (which she welcomed and said I could call anytime, but I won't). And yes, I can confirm it was an accidental pregnancy. You're splitting hairs. It was certainly after she broke up with you, even if it was shortly before the contact ended. If I broke up with a woman, and she then called my parents to inquire about me, I'd be pissed too. Asking about how someone is feeling after a medical procedure is akin to asking for medical information, I can see how she'd be pissed and send the angry SMS text. Also asked what was the BC method, not whether you could confirm it was an accident. Unless it was literally a condom breakage, I would think more critically about that aspect of things. Going from in love and happy together about a pregnancy to no longer dating in the space of ten days that happened to coincide with the 10 days after the pregnancy news... not a coincidence. This breakup did not happen solely because of your weight no matter what she says. There's more to the story, I'm just offering some (possibly harsh sounding) things that might help you to have some insight. Edited November 23, 2009 by Ody
Author Andyman Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 Appreciate your insights, but silence does not equal a breakup. She was having a tough week and where I come from, it would be negligent and cruel not show concern for a loved one. I regret she was upset, but I do not regret checking that she was ok. Nothing more, nothing less. Had I not called, I still may not know if she was ok. The trouble with forums such as this Ody, is that the subtleties and complexities are very hard to express- almost impossible- without lengthy and tortuously long posts. Also, there are some details I choose not to post, my prerogative I'm sure you'll agree, and that any responses to the posts are going to be limited in value simply due to the information supplied by the poster. For the record Ody, you're quite right, ten days from go to whoa was caused by a range of things which I've established with my councellor several weeks back, but that's not the issue I'm seeking insight on. I appreciate your thoughts and insights though.
Ody Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 I interpreted "she doesn't want to be my partner, and that we would just be co-parents" as the breakup. If you meant that line otherwise, my apologies.
Author Andyman Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 Cool. Even after the breakup we were still in almost daily contact and we would sleep in the same bed (no sex though) when we stayed together on the weekends. The 'get lost' message was after I spoke to her Mom.
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