Can it get any harder?

[Andyman]

This is probably a really dumb post, but I'm really struggling and need a little support and advice.

 

I'll try and make it real short. My girlfriend and I were together for a relatively short time- about 7 months. We've both had plenty of partners and lovers and aren't newbies to all this. She's 34 and I'm 40.

 

She was always keen on having a child with me and had always been clear and honest about that with me. I have no children but would love to have them so I was happy that we were on the same page. Five months into the relationship she became pregnant- yes it was a genuine accident- and we were both so happy about this. The week that followed I noticed a subtle decline in affection and contact (we don't live together). Anyway, a few days later she says that she doesn't want to be my partner, and that we would just be co-parents.

 

That was a tough week.

 

I really loved and adored this woman. We've had ups and downs but we got through them because I felt we had a real strong bond. She went out of her way to tell me she had withdrawn because of my weight. I have lost weight but not as quickly as she liked, so I was left isolated and pretty lost.

 

Anyway, I kept up the contact on a mostly daily basis and I would stay with her and her gorgeous young daughter on the weekend. It went pretty well, occasional moments of stress, but I was trying hard to be there for her during what was a tough pregnancy, with companionship and practical support.

 

Sadly, she had a miscarriage last week. Even during the scan, it was like I wasn't there and my feelings did not matter. Obviously we were both devastated. That night we managed to have a really dumb text message argument (was so dumb). I apologized the next day but she couldn't get me off the fone faster if she tried.

 

That was the last conversation we had. I found out that she had a curette, and all went well according to her Mom. Since then I have received a stinging SMS abusing me for contacting her Mom and the following day, some of my stuff was returned with a note telling me to get lost and that she wants know more contact at all, as well as a letter she wrote a few weeks before, criticizing me harshly again about my slow weight loss.

 

Ok, gotta accept what you can't change. But it's strange and deeply hurtful behavior. Now, and this is just so weird, I find that she is already back on the web dating site where we first met. I know she must be as sad as I am about our loss, but my loss is not recognized at all, and now, well I just don't get what she's doing. In the space of a week she's looking for a new boyfriend? I accept we are never going to be together again, and I have started the "no contact" process, but I feel for her and her pain. And my pain just seems to get worse.

 

I know there's not much good news coming my way but I need some insight to help me through the next few days. Any insights would be welcome folks.

[nobleguy]

Crumbs that was a tough one to read I have to say. Every time I read someone else's story I wonder if the grief I've suffered due to my own situation (purely a break-up) is a little bit misplaced.

 

I can only imagine what effect the miscarriage has had on you. I remember when me and my ex had both our little ones. At each scan I would be a nervous wreck the hour or so before hand, I'd study the technician to gain any insight into what she was thinking, were there any problems, any issues. I came out of every scan knowing everything was OK with a tear or two welling up out of pure relief.

 

You're having to deal with a double-blow at the same time, neither of which I would wish on anyone. The pain will get worse because the intial stages (believe it or not) are about feeling numb and disbelieving.

 

I'm almost certain your ex's head is all over the place too and is just trying to do something mad or crazy to get herself through it. I joined a dating site the day after my split as a complete knee-jerk reaction to mine leaving. It meant nothing and it gave me nothing. I wouldn't take too much of a personal insult to her being on there (that's realy easy to say from the outside, I understand that). She's probably as messed up as you are.

 

BUT, I think your only choice is to try and shut her out of your life. You can't be responsible for her state of mind when yours is in just as much need of help and support. Look after yourself first and worry about her later if she is still in your life.

 

Just my 2p worth...

[Ronni_W]

Andy,

I am sorry for your losses. It is devastating to lose a child. It is devastating to lose a cherished relationship. On top of which, you're also now missing your relationship with your ex's young daughter.

It's a helluva lot to lose and, yes, her treatment of you just adds to the deep pain. It sucks to be told that your weight loss efforts were "not good enough". You certainly deserved better than what she gave. Have you considered grief counseling, from a professional or a pastor/faith leader?

 

I do not think you acted inappropriately when you contacted her mom. Her subsequent tirade and getting back on the dating website so soon could be signs of her misdirected/mismanaged grief over the miscarriage.

 

I can understand it may be difficult to let go of her pain...but you do have more than enough of your own to contend with, no? I would encourage you to focus on your own healing and recovery...also because you cannot do a single thing about hers, in any event.

 

Hugs, and best wishes.

Every time I read someone else's story I wonder if the grief I've suffered due to my own situation (purely a break-up) is a little bit misplaced.

Not at all. Your grief is every bit as valid as anybody else's. No point or reason for us to start doing "comparative grief studies" to try to figure out who has the "best" grief, or whose experience is "more worthy" of being felt and healed, or whatever along those lines.

 

You both, we all, do deserve understanding, love and compassion for our individual pain and suffering. Equally and regardless of anything else. As Tiny Tim said, "God Bless Us, Every One!"

Edited November 18, 2009 by Ronni_W

[nobleguy]

Not at all. Your grief is every bit as valid as anybody else's.

 

Thank you

[stace79]

I'm really sorry that you lost your baby. That's an awful thing. How far along was she? I just lost my baby at 13 weeks and had to also have a D&C like your ex.

 

I can't speak for her obviously, but I can tell you (and you can see from my other posts) that my mental state during pregnancy was absolutely awful. My ex said it was like a different person -- mean, hostile, withdrawn, angry, depressed to the point of suicidal thoughts.

 

Perhaps her reactions are partly because of her hormones? I am still dealing with it, and my D&C was 10 days ago. My doctors said it will likely take 2-3 months for my body and its chemicals to reach "normal levels" again, so I may still have extreme emotions.

 

Regardless, your feelings in regard to the miscarriage definitely count. Honestly I wish my ex had been a little more like you in dealing with it. We had a LDR since July, but he never once came to see me while I was pregnant, even after the miscarriage. Granted I ended things with him when I was about 11 weeks (long story). But the last time I saw him I was only about 6 weeks, in Sept, and I went to visit him!

 

It is a terrible loss, and it will take time to get over those emotions. I will say some prayers for you -- it is excruciatingly hard to lose your loved one and your baby all around the same time. You seem to be handling it better than me.

[Andyman]

Thanks so much - I couldn't have hoped for kinder, more supportive responses. I'll make a few more points to your responses.

 

Nobleguy- I hadn't really faced it but I think you're right, I think things might get worse but at least I am somewhat prepared for it. I think she's messed up- who wouldn't be- but I guess I can't fix that, and I can't be there for her if she doesn't want me around. Still, this dating site thing is just agony, it's pure hell. And yes, I think you're right, me now, her later if she's around. Thanks mate, much appreciated.

 

Ronni- thanks for your thoughts and good advice. I have booked a session next week with a really good local counsellor which I hope will keep me moving in the right direction. Last week was like losing three loved ones in a single day- kind of like a car crash; sudden and no last word, just loss.

 

Stace- wow, you've really been on some journey. We lost the baby at 12 weeks. Until then, all had been well so it was quite a shock. I have been reluctant to explain more than a small percent of her mental state over the past few months to hormones, but now I'm not so sure. There were a couple of days (but only a couple) when she was a different person. Normally level and constant, she was really cranky, snappy and provocative. I always tried just to accept it but a few times it boiled over, but we seemed to go on ok.

 

Her D&C was a week ago and based on what your doctors told you about your hormones retreating to their normal levels, maybe it does go someway

to explain the anger directed at me and her retreat way from me. I would certainly call her response to me "extreme". I'm far from perfect, but even she told me recently "I'm good to her and good for her", and just a few weeks back "it must be hard always being so nice to me and {daughter} all the time", referring I guess to our non-romantic relationship and my commitment just to be there for her and her child.

 

Thanks for the nice words too- sorry you were left isolated by your ex during such an intense time of your life. I can't imagine how hard it must be to have an LDR while pregnant, and to feel so ignored or marginalized. I don't know how any man could do that, your female partner is doing the hard work, it's your job to be 'there' for everything else.

 

I'm not sure I'm handling it better than you Stace- nothing seems to make much sense at the moment, so I am really just hanging in there and taking things literally a day at the time. But the support you guys have shown helps, thanks so much.

 

Will keep you up to date as I move on.

[Ronni_W]

I'm not sure I'm handling it better than you Stace- nothing seems to make much sense at the moment, so I am really just hanging in there and taking things literally a day at the time.

It may turn out that you sometimes you can't even see the end of a day. Then just take it hour by hour...or minute by minute. It can get like that. I daresay it gets like that for all of us, at one time or another.

 

Do keep us posted, and in the meantime, no worries...we'll take care of the store

stace, hugs and good wishes to you, too!

[Andyman]

I'm sorry Stace, I misread part of your reply. I am so sorry about the very recent loss of your baby. I'm sure that even with my recent experience, I can only guess at the profound affect on you, the Mom.

 

I wish for you, everything I wish for myself Stace. Hope you find your joy again real soon.

[stace79]

Thanks, guys. I'm doing okay -- some days are better than others. I hope everything works out for you, too, Andy! I just wanted you to understand that pregnancy really can do some seriously crazy things to a woman. It could just be that she is not wanting the R anymore, but if she starts acting differently in the next few weeks, try to cut her a little slack. My ex is really holding my feet to the fire for my actions while I was pregnant.

[Andyman]

Thanks Stace, but I really doubt I'll hear from her again. Its been a week since her 'get lost' message, long enough I would have thought to collect her thoughts and send some sort of conciliatory message.

 

And I know I shouldn't check up on her under the NC rules, but she is regularly on the dating website again (her profile is hilarious- "loyalty warmth and reciprocity" are three of the key things she's looking for), so even if she's in an emotional or hormonal free-fall, she's gonna find some guy (not me) to break the fall.

 

Thanks again, hope you're doing good.