McGrupp Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 (edited) oh time for my daily thread. first thing on my mind: 1) should i apologize in time? basically i made a lot of the mistakes. cursed her out. apologized. she said thanks. cursed her out again (whats wrong with me) she replied again saying she hopes i mean what i said before that which was basically a have a nice life email. hmmm...i guess im just reaching, but through therapy and other avenues (LS) im realizing that I was extremely immature, possesive and basically crazy. It could make me feel good. prolly just make me feel like ****. but well of course i want her back, dont know if this will do anything. maybe in the new year? i have thoughts of driving to her place and apologizing in person. then i think with my gut and know thats the wrong thing to do. i havent been able to contact her without seeming needy or ****ing weird i would say in well since we broke up. last time we talked i told her it would be the last time. she seemed fine with that and said i dont want to start hating each other. i said i dont hate you. she said ok. meh i dont know. would like to have one last convo where im not crazy. just so my conscience is at ease. hmmm.... 2) been hanging out with this new lady friend. she knows the deal (about the ex). its nice to hang out with someone and watch tv and cuddle. we've been physical but havent banged, however she has a way sketchy past and LOTS AND LOTS OF drama in her home life. she is also immature and i cant help thinking of my ex when im with her. idk, nice to cuddle and have someone to talk too i guess. im very lonely (as we all are) right now. still looking but...idk it feels like im trying to crame her into a mold. nice to her a girls laugh though on the other end of the phone. 3) thinking about moving. far, far away. basically my depresion is amplified by the fact i left a small social scene and her and moved back with my parents into the suburbs. thinking about going west. it got me pretty excited. but worried about the lonliness out there (at least i have some friends and family here and a crummy albeit steady job). idk i havent really taken a risk all my life and would like to go off whilst im still young. so thats what im mulling over at the moment. advice? Edited November 17, 2009 by McGrupp
Author McGrupp Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 advice will probably be: stay NC ditch the chick go west my son
teanoranges Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Stay NC, you might as well... At least you are learning and can put it forth to any future relationship.... .... which you probably aren't ready for.. so please don't lead another girl on, which you aren't if you're being honest. If you're ready for adventure, go west... but also, don't make any rash decisions because your head is not up for that.
Author McGrupp Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 i like it. the thing with this girl is i clearly i explained where I am at. no relationship, just fun and not even a physical thing. just lets hang out. really i miss just a womans compainship. if i really liked her i would probably not be able to handle it if that makes sense. my friends and family really dont like her and i find that hilarious. sorta entertaining i guess. i dont know im kinda f'd up at the moment (using people for entertainment)
threebyfate Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 advice will probably be: stay NC ditch the chick go west my sonIt sounds like you've already figured out what to do! I fully agree with your own advice. To add a little something to this, sometimes people bring out the worst in us and no matter what we do, we can't be with them. I suspect there was immaturity on both sides, where there was a lot of button pushing and then, over-reactive self-protection mechanisms kicking in. That's usually what causes volatile dynamics between individuals. So in future, now that you know you need to work on your own maturity level, try to find someone who brings out the best in you, perhaps someone more mature but most definitely, someone who isn't going to let you get away with immature behaviour patterns.
Author McGrupp Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 why do i find it so hard to stay nc? i want to contact. i know its over so any hope is gone. just feel like i have to tell her im sorry. idk. this is so excrutiating, i guess i was able to make it 25 days by hoping it was going to lead to a 2nd chance. this time, there is no shot, so im like why not bother her some more...but what is the point?
JamesM Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 1. Should you apologize? Depends on your motivation, but my guess is that maybe you want a movie ending. You apologize. She is tearful, and you two get back together. You can try, but I doubt this will happen. My guess is that you will walk away hurt and angry. If she blames you for the end or if she has moved on and really doesn't think of you, then the answer is no. 2. Is this new girl the one who is bisexual and a former drug addict? Is this that girl who has more problems than anyone you ever met? If so, enjoy the moment, but be aware that it could get ugly. If this is someone else, then realize that you are enjoying a rebound woman that may help you get over your ex. Falling in love with this lady is not an option for your mental sanity. 3. And while moving sounds great, you will not escape your problems that way, nor will you suddenly be happy. So, my suggestion is to stay where you are until you feel emotionally stable.
Author McGrupp Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 (edited) thanks. its is the "problem" girl but i laid down the law (no drug use or talk around me/im going through some a lot and wont always be there for you) and we have been having a fun time i would say. definitely in the back of my mind i am hoping for something like that (regarding the apology). i just want her to know ive chilled out i guess, but i obviously havent. hmm... and the move would be both. running away not from her really but from this life that has grown stagnant and depressing. however i would love to do the move and not just party and ignore my life back here but to forward myself in some way. then i think just getting out of this area and living life in a different way would be forwarding myself in some light. idk...it does make me happy to think about it Edited November 18, 2009 by McGrupp
Boundary Problem Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 why do i find it so hard to stay nc? i want to contact. i know its over so any hope is gone. just feel like i have to tell her im sorry. idk. this is so excrutiating, i guess i was able to make it 25 days by hoping it was going to lead to a 2nd chance. this time, there is no shot, so im like why not bother her some more...but what is the point? Does your ex meet the needs deep within you? By her past behaviour has she demonstrated that your needs are a top priority for her? Does she compromise in her own life to make you a priority? Or does the pain she trigger just get sort of addictive? I think your ex rubs your pain and that is a familiar feeling. Sort of like scratching a mosquito bite. Doesn't mean you should scratch. Accomplishes nothing, in fact risk of getting infection. Feels good for those two seconds of initial scratching before you start worrying if it is going to bleed. You just want to contact your ex for those 'feel good' two seconds. Stick with the TV chick until you move. Don't sleep with her or you will get unnecessarily attached to her too - which will lead to more pain - I guarantee it. She sounds fun, and companionship is important. You are vulnerable right now. Treat yourself well. Be careful whom you allow to be around you right now. Make sure they are true friends. You sound quite charming. I doubt you will be lonely when you move.
Boundary Problem Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 definitely in the back of my mind i am hoping for something like that (regarding the apology). i just want her to know ive chilled out i guess, but i obviously havent. hmm... I don't think she will react they way you want/hope/need. You want to use her as a mirror to see if you have changed and to see if she also sees the your new (in progress) reflection . You have to be careful who you allow to be around you right now. Supportive family is good.
GrayClouds Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 oh time for my daily thread. first thing on my mind: 1) should i apologize in time? basically i made a lot of the mistakes. cursed her out. apologized. she said thanks. cursed her out again (whats wrong with me) she replied again saying she hopes i mean what i said before that which was basically a have a nice life email. hmmm...i guess im just reaching, but through therapy and other avenues (LS) im realizing that I was extremely immature, possesive and basically crazy. It could make me feel good. prolly just make me feel like ****. but well of course i want her back, dont know if this will do anything. maybe in the new year? i have thoughts of driving to her place and apologizing in person. then i think with my gut and know thats the wrong thing to do. i havent been able to contact her without seeming needy or ****ing weird i would say in well since we broke up. last time we talked i told her it would be the last time. she seemed fine with that and said i dont want to start hating each other. i said i dont hate you. she said ok. meh i dont know. would like to have one last convo where im not crazy. just so my conscience is at ease. hmmm.... NO, your still looking for approval from her. You say sorry, she say thank you, You feel good, she leaves, You feel bad and want contact with her. Can you see you are like a drug addict, no matter what rationalization to justify seeing, talking to her, it is really about trying to get another hit of the thing that makes you feel good. It is about distracting you from facing yourself because right now you do not give yourself that drug high hit. But that is the goal to make your drug of choice YOU. So you are crazy, welcome to the club, now find a way to live with it that helps you from repeating the same mistakes and pulling others who no longer are interested in your crazy. Therapy is figuring out your issues and finding ways for you to improve on them, not using someone else to make you feel better about them. Leave her be, physically, emotionally, and mentally. And some day you will meet someone who will see the remnants of your crazy and decides that's make you interesting and special. 2) been hanging out with this new lady friend. she knows the deal (about the ex). its nice to hang out with someone and watch tv and cuddle. we've been physical but havent banged, however she has a way sketchy past and LOTS AND LOTS OF drama in her home life. she is also immature and i cant help thinking of my ex when im with her. idk, nice to cuddle and have someone to talk too i guess. im very lonely (as we all are) right now. still looking but...idk it feels like im trying to crame her into a mold. nice to her a girls laugh though on the other end of the phone. I REPEAT MYSELF: Therapy is figuring out your issues and finding ways for you to improve on them, not using someone else to make you feel better about them. Leave her be, physically, emotionally, and mentally. "I was extremely immature" And rather then working hard to change that issue you go right back to acting the same way with someone else. You are using her to make yourself feel better. Everyone on this board is lonely, but the mature ones do not go out and use someone to ignore that loneliness. They use it to make themselves better, learn to live with it for the next. They take time off from relationships until they get much closer to being healed. If in your words "sketchy past, lots of drama, immature" and I will add wanting to hang with a knowingly uncommitted, disconnect guy then she is not healthy. And two unhealthies makes a bigger mess. Go watch "Sid and Nancy" 3) thinking about moving. far, far away. basically my depresion is amplified by the fact i left a small social scene and her and moved back with my parents into the suburbs. thinking about going west. it got me pretty excited. but worried about the lonliness out there (at least i have some friends and family here and a crummy albeit steady job). idk i havent really taken a risk all my life and would like to go off whilst im still young. so thats what im mulling over at the moment. advice? No matter where you go, you will still be there. And so will your little hood rat friend named depression. You want to take a risk? Face your issues, work through them, get healthy and strong, then decide what you want out of life and a constructive and realistic plan to get it. That way when life slaps you with disappointment you will be ready for it. McGrupp it is about you. .
Author McGrupp Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 (edited) oh baby. gotta love greyclouds for the slap in the face. reading: "the journey from abandonment to healing" and its helping a lot i would say. my dad gave me some good advice: call her when you dont even want to. meaning the only time you should reach out anymore is when you truly dont care and then wouldnt anyway... Edited November 18, 2009 by McGrupp
GrayClouds Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Happy to slap you anytime... Regarding the book...you may feel dumb doing the exercise but do them.
Recommended Posts