Responded to him

[DenverBachelor]

I do believe that in a way the guilt is a part of the caring. If I didn't care, I wouldn't feel guilty.

 

But you can still care and not feel guilty.

 

Guilt causes us to perform actions to alleviate our own suffering. Caring causes us to perform actions to allievate another's suffering.

 

To do things out of guilt is to do them because you feel remorse for some past action and need to ease your own conscious. Genuine caring is doing something selfless for another despite what you feel.

[EricaH329]

Genuine caring is doing something selfless for another despite what you feel.

 

Considering I would rather not talk to him so that I can fully move on and heal, makes that point extremely true.

 

I am at the stage where i'm not sure exactly what the right thing to do is. I was very quick to be there for him when he was telling me how much he needs me in his life, but now that it's been a couple of weeks and i've had time to think about it... i'm not sure how much helping i'm actually doing.

 

I feel as though maybe i'm putting a bandaid on a cut that needs to be out in the open. Meaning, maybe me being in his life is going to prolong this feeling that he has for me. Maybe me forcing myself out of his life would be the best course of action to take?? Then again, another part of me is saying that i've tried that a million times already and it always comes back to the same thing, me being in his life.

 

I feel like I need to think about this a lot more, make sure that I know that what i'm doing is the very best possible solution for him.

[DenverBachelor]

Erica,

 

You look extremely familiar. You didn't by chance go to a High School in Anne Arundel County did you?

[EricaH329]

Erica,

 

You look extremely familiar. You didn't by chance go to a High School in Anne Arundel County did you?

 

Uh oh... no, I went to school a bunch of different places, but never Anne Arundel. I knew a bunch of people who did, though.

[DustySaltus]

....and the awkward silence filled the room;)

[EricaH329]

....and the awkward silence filled the room;)

 

I'm not sure if the silence means he realizes who I am or the opposite.

[jumbalaya]

Erica,

 

I think you're pretty amazing. I realize that you're in uncharted waters - not knowing if contact is the right thing for him or you. I tend to think that breakups don't have to be heartless and that communicating - while difficult - is a way to learn and help move through it.

 

The situation is what it is. You feel what you feel right now. I think you're brave, compassionate and mature to be giving this a try. He's going to bounce all over the place for a while. That's perfectly normal. Maybe you can just put some boundaries around your contact and communicate that to him - that you are here for him because you care but you need space to find solid ground and he does too. You have to heal too, after all.

 

You can also point out the big picture - you are two people in a dynamic tht doesn't define who you are. You're going through this thing like hundreds of thousands of other people right now. You'll get through it. It's a huge and sad change but there will be good and unexpected things on the other side of it.

 

I wish my ex had heart like you, was brave and compassionate instead of guilty and cold. It's made healing much slower and harder for me. Harsh breakups with no contact or kindness do not feel better for the dumpee - as long as you're honest. No information doesn't help the dumpee - you just obsess about what the hell happened.

 

The funny thing is... I know that I've changed and have grown massively by going through this consciously and learning as much as I can. I doubt my ex will have that. He bears the burden of knowing that he treated a someone who loved him and was good to him unkindly. That will never be you.

 

It may not be comfortable, but I applaud you.

[EricaH329]

Erica,

 

I think you're pretty amazing. I realize that you're in uncharted waters - not knowing if contact is the right thing for him or you. I tend to think that breakups don't have to be heartless and that communicating - while difficult - is a way to learn and help move through it.

 

The situation is what it is. You feel what you feel right now. I think you're brave, compassionate and mature to be giving this a try. He's going to bounce all over the place for a while. That's perfectly normal. Maybe you can just put some boundaries around your contact and communicate that to him - that you are here for him because you care but you need space to find solid ground and he does too. You have to heal too, after all.

 

You can also point out the big picture - you are two people in a dynamic tht doesn't define who you are. You're going through this thing like hundreds of thousands of other people right now. You'll get through it. It's a huge and sad change but there will be good and unexpected things on the other side of it.

 

I wish my ex had heart like you, was brave and compassionate instead of guilty and cold. It's made healing much slower and harder for me. Harsh breakups with no contact or kindness do not feel better for the dumpee - as long as you're honest. No information doesn't help the dumpee - you just obsess about what the hell happened.

 

The funny thing is... I know that I've changed and have grown massively by going through this consciously and learning as much as I can. I doubt my ex will have that. He bears the burden of knowing that he treated a someone who loved him and was good to him unkindly. That will never be you.

 

It may not be comfortable, but I applaud you.

 

Wow, you made me feel great!! Thank you so much!! That's exactly what I needed to hear!

 

And you are very correct in saying that I need to set boundaries. He doesn't seem to have a problem with that, though. He's very respectful of me, and actually much more kind.

 

Something happened last night that I would like to get some opinions on. Him and I had a conversation about dating other people. He asked me if I was seeing someone and I told him sort of. Because I sort of am. We aren't in a relationship, but i'm not seeing anyone else.

 

After a long conversation, I signed offline and woke up to this e-mail (btw he is in the military stationed across seas):

 

"U can't bring anyone out here even if there your spouse I've asked already I have to wait till I'm a second class I make third in march , I love u and if u feel u have to date other people then thats your choice. I'm not, I'll tell you that right now. Hopefully when I'm done with all this bull**** we can try again or atleast see how things go, ur still stuck in my head and always will be. I love u and will ttul."

 

I do want to point out that I never said anything about getting back together with him, so i'm not too sure why he made a point to tell me why we can't be together.

 

To be honest, and this is going to be the complete opposite of what everyone here on LS complains about, I want him to be in another relationship. I don't want him to hang on to the idea of me being the only one for him. I've told him this before, but he is stubborn and refuses.

 

I don't know how to react to that. I'm afraid our friendship is based on hopes on his part? I'm not sure. And i'm not sure if i'm doing the right thing by continuing to talk to him. But I know that it would break his heart if I went NC again.

 

Ugh! What a mess!

[sean1970]

I don't know how to react to that. I'm afraid our friendship is based on hopes on his part? I'm not sure. And i'm not sure if i'm doing the right thing by continuing to talk to him. But I know that it would break his heart if I went NC again.

 

His heart will be broken either way. Is it not probable that it will hurt longer this way?

[Kantor]

Erica,

 

I think it really comes down to what you want, perhaps your unsure.

 

I do am going to a similar situation, I can relate to what your ex is going through.

 

Yes - hes hoping he can be more then friends someday. At least that's just my opinion. As that's what my hope is with my ex and his mindset seems to be very similar to mine.

 

If you never plan on being more then friends you really need to just lay it out there on the line and do the NC, regardless of how much it may hurt both of you.

 

In my relationship I initially invoked NC in my relationship, broke it, and then she essentially invoked it.

 

As much as I know your ex's hurt yearns for your love, if its never going to be there, you need to step back and quit the pain for both of you.

 

Good luck, I wish you the answers you're looking for.

[EricaH329]

His heart will be broken either way. Is it not probable that it will hurt longer this way?

 

You are right. I'm just torn. I don't want to begin NC again, because I know he needs me in his life, but at the same time... I don't know if what i'm doing now is the right thing. He seems to think it is. He will go to any lengths to make sure that I stay in his life, but it all comes down to whether or not I feel it's the right thing to do.

 

And that, is my problem.

 

Erica,

 

I think it really comes down to what you want, perhaps your unsure.

 

I do am going to a similar situation, I can relate to what your ex is going through.

 

Yes - hes hoping he can be more then friends someday. At least that's just my opinion. As that's what my hope is with my ex and his mindset seems to be very similar to mine.

 

If you never plan on being more then friends you really need to just lay it out there on the line and do the NC, regardless of how much it may hurt both of you.

 

In my relationship I initially invoked NC in my relationship, broke it, and then she essentially invoked it.

 

As much as I know your ex's hurt yearns for your love, if its never going to be there, you need to step back and quit the pain for both of you.

 

Good luck, I wish you the answers you're looking for.

 

Being with him again isn't my main concern right now. What is, is that he gets all the support he needs during this tough time for him.

 

The hope on his part will always be there. He refuses to let go of it. I think I might be the only thing that brings him back down to the ground when he gets confused and unsure of things. I like being that person for him. It makes me feel good that i'm helping him in any way that I can.

 

But you are very right in saying that I am unsure. But that's ok with me, for now. I know that over time I will figure out what needs to be done, whether it's continuing to talk to him, or breaking it off. I'm just going to let things unfold the way that they should instead of me doing something to cause a change. For now, anyway.