horrorgirl Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Without a doubt my bf is the nicest man I have ever dated. I feel that he loves me and accepts me for who I am. When we started dated things were great. Then he had a lot of family problems (both parents got gravely ill), and I let him move in with me so he could send money to his parents. Then his family member passed away and there were a lot of bills and expenses with that. I let him stay so he can take care of that. Things have gotten very rough for me financially, and I now need him to contribute the $300 per month for room and board that we agreed upon. For a few months he did not do that, due to his family, and I was able to make things stretch, but i cannot anymore. He is very bad with budgets, and we have begun to argue a lot about money. He doesn't want to discuss it, and it takes him days before he figures out his budget and gives me the amount i ask for. I often find that because of his family and things they do financially, he often takes on their issues, and ends up paying for things for them. Of course, this makes him have to pay me later and later and later. Now, I am reduced to asking friends and family for help and I am upset at how this makes me feel. I asked my bf for help, and he said he wasn't able to. The money is for our living needs, not for shoes or a dress or something frivalous. He cannot live with his parent as the distance is too far. And he doesn't have enough money right now for a down payment on an apartment. I worry alot about him as he is having a hard time with the grief. My bf has stopped being romantic with me since his one of his parents got really ill. I understand that he is grieving their passing, but I am still worried. It has been over 3 months, and we have only been together a year and a half. Because he doesn't seem interested, and because we are so different in personalities, I sometimes don't trust him. I worry that there is no more chemistry between us. Am I being selfish?
Pizzaman81 Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Ya hate to say it, love is not enough. Not being equal grounds on financial planning and financial common sense is one of the major reasons why couples cannot live the rest of their lives together. If his budgeting ways do not change, then your future is in jeopardy. Have a talk with him.
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Only real resolution is going to be sitting him down and having a very serious talk with him. Letting him know that he needs to pitch in where he's actually LIVING, or there will be no place to live. You keep stretching and stretching to get things covered, it just appears to him like you have the situation handled. Of course he's going to keep putting you off. I think it's time to be hard-assed about this. You can't keep taking the bullet for his family. If he chooses to do so - great - he can be homeless. But I'd be damned if a SO was going to put ME in a bad situation financially.
Fun2BMe Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 (edited) Without a doubt my bf is the nicest man I have ever dated. You mean he USED to be nice. I often find that because of his family and things they do financially, he often takes on their issues, and ends up paying for things for them. Of course, this makes him have to pay me later and later and later. He might be nice to his family but he is not nice to you. He cares about their finances but he doesn't give a sht about yours. Now, I am reduced to asking friends and family for help and I am upset at how this makes me feel. I asked my bf for help, and he said he wasn't able to. The money is for our living needs, not for shoes or a dress or something frivalous. He cannot live with his parent as the distance is too far. And he doesn't have enough money right now for a down payment on an apartment. I worry alot about him as he is having a hard time with the grief. If he cared about you he wouldn't make you beg family for money just so he could continue smooching off of you. He IS able to help you but he chooses not to and CHOOSES to help others (whether they are family or friend or a charity doesn't matter at this point because your landlord doesn't care and the bank doesn't care so why do you stress so much that he's helping his family like it's some noble thing.) For all you know he could be saving it up for a new car and using you for a free pad to save on living expenses. Do you look at his bank account to see if he's really sending money to his family? And if he really is which I doubt, tell him that you're sorry you are not a sick relative of his because then he wouldn't be leaving you strapped. My bf has stopped being romantic with me since his one of his parents got really ill. I understand that he is grieving their passing, but I am still worried. It has been over 3 months, and we have only been together a year and a half. Because he doesn't seem interested, and because we are so different in personalities, I sometimes don't trust him. I worry that there is no more chemistry between us. He OBVIOUSLY doesn't care about ANY of your needs. It's like he's punishing you because his parent died and because you are not happily throwing money at him. Am I being selfish? Is that a joke question? Sounds like your boyfriend is extremely selfish, irresponsible, mean and doesn't care about you or your feelings let alone your finances. I would throw his belongings out and kick him to the curb asap then change locks. Stop letting him abuse you! Just because he has sick family and losses and financial problems doesn't mean he should make you suffer for it. He's not the only one with problems. Your financial problems are worse in my opinon and more serious unless you are going to wait to get evicted and then he'll just leave you since he won't have a place to stay for free. If he showed concern for you, your feelings, your finances and YOUR situation and voluntarily gave some money here and there, $20 here, $50 there without you having to beg and fight for it and then him turning cold and mean towards you, that would be different. If he was genuining grieving his ill family and was still loving towards you and all that, then he wouldn't be such an asz. Edited November 18, 2009 by Fun2BMe
sedgwick Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Only real resolution is going to be sitting him down and having a very serious talk with him. Letting him know that he needs to pitch in where he's actually LIVING, or there will be no place to live. You keep stretching and stretching to get things covered, it just appears to him like you have the situation handled. Of course he's going to keep putting you off. I think it's time to be hard-assed about this. You can't keep taking the bullet for his family. If he chooses to do so - great - he can be homeless. But I'd be damned if a SO was going to put ME in a bad situation financially. 100% agreed!! Y If he showed concern for you, your feelings, your finances and YOUR situation and voluntarily gave some money here and there, $20 here, $50 there without you having to beg and fight for it and then him turning cold and mean towards you, that would be different. If he was genuining grieving his ill family and was still loving towards you and all that, then he wouldn't be such an asz. Also 100% agreed!
TheLoneSock Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Financial troubles have long since been one of the major causes for relationships dismantling. Keep in mind that the root of your concern is money. Money is a stupid thing to argue over. It's been over 3 months? WOW. He should definitely be over the loss of his mother or father by now. What a big baby! Give me a ****ing break. The day you lose a parent you will understand, and you will hate yourself for even having thought about money issues. I promise. No, it doesn't give him a pass to lose hold of himself, or flake on his duties as a man. But that is a pain that is so crippling it must be experienced in order to understand correctly.
torranceshipman Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Yea...I don't think her attitude is f**k him, he should be over it by now! Anyone reading this can see how sensitive to him and his needs that she is. But there is a point in every situation where you can't let yourself be treated badly and there is also generally a point where bills have to be paid and food has to be put on the table, and this girl has reached this point about 20 times over now. There is nothing to stop this guy from contributing something, specifically because he IS living there, rent free, bill free, and the girl is NOT rich - how the heck else do you think she can support them both? Literally, if he doesn't contribute, it sounds like she is going to have to move him out anyway, because you can't make money out of nothing, and she has to pay bills. It's quite basic to expect someone to accept that living bill and rent free is not really a fair way to live, regardless of what their life situation is. Clearly she is very supportive in every way that she can be but the poor girl can't have all this on her own shoulders. I have no doubt that if she was wealthy she wouldn't be giving the concept a second thought and would let him stay as long as he liked.
Trimmer Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Financial troubles have long since been one of the major causes for relationships dismantling. Keep in mind that the root of your concern is money. Money is a stupid thing to argue over. It's been over 3 months? WOW. He should definitely be over the loss of his mother or father by now. What a big baby! Give me a ****ing break. Now you are projecting. She never said, or implied such a thing. Her breaking point has come because she is now having to ask her own family for financial help, which if he were "pulling his weight" would not be necessary. I did read the OP, and didn't see any sense of impatience with his grieving process, only with the fact that grieving doesn't make the everyday living expenses disappear for months at a time. I've lost parents, and I do understand the grief. But I still paid my bills, and more to the point, I made darn sure I wasn't a financial drag on those around me.
CLC2008 Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 He is grieving yes, but he is not physically and mentally impaired. It would be different if he lost his job, sat around the house all day, refused to get a job, refused to get help, so on and so forth. But if he's working and supporting his family, there's no reason why he cannot help contribute financially while living with you. And what about his other family members? Are they helping out financially with the medical expenses or are they leaving it solely on your bf's shoulders? Where I'm from, we all take care of one another, that's what family is for.
Fun2BMe Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Financial troubles have long since been one of the major causes for relationships dismantling. Keep in mind that the root of your concern is money. Money is a stupid thing to argue over. No it is not over money but how he treats her. It could be that she is hungry and wants a slice of his pizza she paid for but he gives it all away to his friends and she has to beg and scream for one bite only for him to throw a pepperoni in her face and get mad at her for dare asking. You are missing the bigger picture. It's been over 3 months? WOW. He should definitely be over the loss of his mother or father by now. What a big baby! Give me a ****ing break. Wow are you serious? What an insensitive comment. Many of us grieve for over a year when a loved parent dies. Don't be such bully.
TheLoneSock Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Now you are projecting. She never said, or implied such a thing. Bull. She said it here: I let him move in with me so he could send money to his parents. here:Things have gotten very rough for me financially here:He is very bad with budgets, and we have begun to argue a lot about money. and most importantly, here:Now, I am reduced to asking friends and family for help and I am upset at how this makes me feel. It's not projecting at all, and I'm not the only one who's recognized the financial roots of this issue here. I've lost parents, and I do understand the grief. But I still paid my bills, and more to the point, I made darn sure I wasn't a financial drag on those around me. That is great - truely, and it is exactly what this guy needs to be doing. But like I said, he probably needs his ass kicked into gear before that happens. Some people are just like that. The OP is in a position in which she can do this. In fact she is probably the only one that can right now.
Trimmer Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 It's been over 3 months? WOW. He should definitely be over the loss of his mother or father by now. What a big baby! Give me a ****ing break. Wow are you serious? What an insensitive comment. Many of us grieve for over a year when a loved parent dies. Don't be such bully. It was a sarcastic comment, with the barb aimed at the OP, implying that she was only upset because her BF was taking "too long" in his grief.
TheLoneSock Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 It was a sarcastic comment, with the barb aimed at the OP, implying that she was only upset because her BF was taking "too long" in his grief. Glad someone caught it. But not the 'only' part.
Trimmer Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Bull. She said it here: here: here: and most importantly, here: It's not projecting at all, and I'm not the only one who's recognized the financial roots of this issue here. Sorry, I realize my quotation may have made my point unclear. I completely agree with you that this is a fundamentally financial issue. My point was with the end of your post that I quoted: your sarcastic implication that she was upset with him for taking too long grieving. I read from her OP - in the very same phrases that you do - that it is clear to her that this is a financial issue. So my issue is, why sarcastically assail her as if she is being impatient with the length of his grief process? I don't see any indication that if he were able to pay his part of the place he is living, she wouldn't be able to be completely supportive of his emotional journey...
torranceshipman Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 It would be a great world if we didn't all have bills to pay, bt the reality is...we do. If someone has a low paid job, and is required to support 2 people, when their paycheck doesn't go that far - can't go that far - then they have NO choice but to be forced to take action. In this case, the action is to ask the boyfriend to contribute something. It's life - unless her landlord is an exceptionally nice person and isn't bothered about rent, and her utilities companies are also exceptionally nice people and say hey, we understand, you don't need to pay us, you're going through a hard time!-then...she has to take some action. I am sure she is not thrilled about asking her boyfriend for some kind of financial contribution but it really has to be done - her back is against a corner. Oh...she could also win the lottery, that would be another solution.
Fun2BMe Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 (edited) Well isn't this just so typical of the guys to think of it as just a financial issue when it clearly is not. He is withholding affection, not remotely showing any sign of concern for the financial predicament he is placing her in, putting others before her - the list goes on. If he was truly loving towards her she'd do what she has to do asking friends/family to help out during this period when her bf is grieving. It's not all about the money but as is typical a guy such as Trimmer or TheLoneSock will not get it since you don't understand feelings!!!!!!!!!!!!! TYPICAL CALLOUS GUYS. And I doubt your grief comment was sarcastic because it sure doesn't sound like it but you got someone to support and defend it. W/e. Edited November 18, 2009 by Fun2BMe
torranceshipman Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 (edited) Well isn't this just so typical of the guys to think of it as just a financial issue when it clearly is not. He is withholding affection, not remotely showing any sign of concern for the financial predicament he is placing her in, putting others before her - the list goes on. If he was truly loving towards her she'd do what she has to do asking friends/family to help out during this period when her bf is grieving. It's not all about the money but as is typical a guy such as Trimmer or TheLoneSock will not get it since you don't understand feelings!!!!!!!!!!!!! TYPICAL CALLOUS GUYS. And I doubt your grief comment was sarcastic because it sure doesn't sound like it but you got someone to support and defend it. W/e. I don't think Trimmer was being a typical callous guy in his response, unless I interpreted his post wrong...he was actually defending the OP in his last post and telling lonesock that he shouldn't have assailed the OP. Edited November 18, 2009 by torranceshipman typo
TheLoneSock Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Sorry, I realize my quotation may have made my point unclear. I completely agree with you that this is a fundamentally financial issue. My point was with the end of your post that I quoted: your sarcastic implication that she was upset with him for taking too long grieving. I read from her OP - in the very same phrases that you do - that it is clear to her that this is a financial issue. So my issue is, why sarcastically assail her as if she is being impatient with the length of his grief process? I don't see any indication that if he were able to pay his part of the place he is living, she wouldn't be able to be completely supportive of his emotional journey... Oh ok. The reason for the sarcasm was because I got the indication that she thought he should be over the grieving process by now. It looks to me like she views the root of the problem not as financial, but as emotional - vested in him and his grief - which may be the case, she would know better than anyone. My point is that that lack of $300 a month shouldn't get in the way of her "being able to be completely supportive of his emotional journey...". The financial problems may even solve themselves if she were able to help motivate him into gear. No, it shouldn't be her responsibility, but it looks like that's what it's going to take, apart from breaking up with him and kicking him out.
TheLoneSock Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Well isn't this just so typical of the guys to think of it as just a financial issue when it clearly is not. He is withholding affection, not remotely showing any sign of concern for the financial predicament he is placing her in, putting others before her - the list goes on. If he was truly loving towards her she'd do what she has to do asking friends/family to help out during this period when her bf is grieving. It's not all about the money but as is typical a guy such as Trimmer or TheLoneSock will not get it since you don't understand feelings!!!!!!!!!!!!! TYPICAL CALLOUS GUYS. And I doubt your grief comment was sarcastic because it sure doesn't sound like it but you got someone to support and defend it. W/e. Lol for someone who has the quote "Ignorance is bliss." as a signature, you sure do overlook a lot of things, including sarcasm and different ways of thinking. Calm down with the caps and exclamation points. They don't help you.
Trimmer Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 (edited) Well isn't this just so typical of the guys to think of it as just a financial issue when it clearly is not. He is withholding affection, not remotely showing any sign of concern for the financial predicament he is placing her in, putting others before her - the list goes on. If he was truly loving towards her she'd do what she has to do asking friends/family to help out during this period when her bf is grieving. It's not all about the money but as is typical a guy such as Trimmer or TheLoneSock will not get it since you don't understand feelings!!!!!!!!!!!!! TYPICAL CALLOUS GUYS. And I doubt your grief comment was sarcastic because it sure doesn't sound like it but you got someone to support and defend it. W/e. At first, this made me angry, but now I'm just laughing, as you have so completely misunderstood what is going on here. It turns out that TheLoneSock and I are pretty much agreeing that the guy needs a kick in the pants and that he very much SHOULD be showing concern for the financial situation, as reality doesn't go away because of his grief. And are you actually saying that in the midst of his grief (which you yourself huffily retorted can go on for a very long time) that if he were more caring and loving, that would induce her to be willing to go to her friends and family for financial support during this time? Really? We're saying (if I may be so bold, TLS...) that he certainly shouldn't be prevented from grieving and recovery, but that his grief shouldn't prevent him from the daily realities of paying his way through life... Now where I further find myself agreeing with TLS is in asserting that she - as the romantic partner less directly affected by the loss - might be of some help in shepherding him back to reality (I think he said "kick in the pants"), while still supporting him in his grief and healing. Uh, we're pretty much validating her feelings of anxiety at having to bear the financial burden herself and supporting her point: she shouldn't have to bear this financial burden, but as any committed relationship partner could do - irrespective of whether they are male or female - she may be able to be of some help in bringing him back from the edge. TLS: If I've misrepresented any of your views here, I apologize. Edited November 18, 2009 by Trimmer
TheLoneSock Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 At first, this made me angry, but now I'm just laughing, as you have so completely misunderstood what is going on here. It turns out that TheLoneSock and I are pretty much agreeing that the guy needs a kick in the pants and that he very much SHOULD be showing concern for the financial situation, as reality doesn't go away because of his grief. And are you actually saying that in the midst of his grief (which you yourself huffily retorted can go on for a very long time) that if he were more caring and loving, that would induce her to be willing to go to her friends and family for financial support during this time? Really? We're saying (if I may be so bold, TLS...) that he certainly shouldn't be prevented from grieving and recovery, but that his grief shouldn't prevent him from the daily realities of paying his way through life... Now where I further find myself agreeing with TLS is in asserting that she - as the romantic partner less directly affected by the loss - might be of some help in shepherding him back to reality (I think he said "kick in the pants"), while still supporting him in his grief and healing. Exactly. That's a better way of putting it.
Recommended Posts