Why Exactly Do We Miss Our Exes?

[USMCHokie]

Here's another one for you all to think about...

 

As I've been actively reading and posting in this forum over the past few weeks, I've gotten to know a lot of your stories and circumstances...and it led me to thinking...why exactly is it we "miss" our exes...?

 

I tried thinking of all the different reasons that I miss my ex, and I realized that a few of them have nothing to do with my ex specifically...in no particular order, and certainly not a complete list...

1. Feeling of being loved (encompasses all the warm fuzzies of relationships)
   
2. Fear that no one will love me as much as she did
   
3. Security of being in a committed relationship
   
4. Hope that your ex still loves you deep down inside and wanting to still be available if he/she comes back
   
5. Sex
   
6. Activity partner
   
7. My ex's character
   

Out of all those, only the last one was exclusive to my ex...I grew to trust and love her character...knowing that she was a truly good person that I could spend my life and have a family with...people with outstanding character are few and far between...and I really do fear that I won't find someone like that again...(this was prompted by a relationship article on character that I recently read...)

 

However, all the other reasons could legitimately be filled by anyone else...so if you dig deep and really think about it, is it your actual ex that you really miss, or do you think it is that vacancy in your life that you want filled again...?

 

For me, I bounce back and forth...between thinking I can do better and my ex who I feel has wonderful morals and character...

[stace79]

I would def agree that your #s 1, 2 and 3 are on my list, but here are things I miss:

 

1. The depth to which he and I knew one another.

2. He accepted my "deepest, darkest secrets".

3. I felt comfortable enough with him to share my deepest, darkest secrets.

4. His family made me feel loved and special.

5. I miss our inside jokes.

6. Not to be inappropriate, but our intimacy felt like we were just built for each other.

7. He was always about the two of us being a team.

8. He was a pretty good listener for a male. He was able to listen without always trying to fix things.

9. He seemed to give me a compliment almost every time we spoke/saw each other.

10. Up until this last incident, he always wanted to work through our problems. I never believed, minus cheating or physical abuse, that he would quit on me.

[floods88]

 

1. The depth to which he and I knew one another.

2. He accepted my "deepest, darkest secrets".

3. I felt comfortable enough with him to share my deepest, darkest secrets.

4. His family made me feel loved and special.

5. I miss our inside jokes.

6. Not to be inappropriate, but our intimacy felt like we were just built for each other.

7. He was always about the two of us being a team.

8. He was a pretty good listener for a male. He was able to listen without always trying to fix things.

9. He seemed to give me a compliment almost every time we spoke/saw each other.

10. Up until this last incident, he always wanted to work through our problems. I never believed, minus cheating or physical abuse, that he would quit on me.

 

 

mine is EXACTLY the same, apart from 4. i would replace it with -

 

4. my family loved him and thought he was special

 

apart from that, i miss all the same things.

[Thornton]

I think to begin with I missed my ex specifically, but now I just miss having someone to fill that position in my life. Someone who I want to marry and have kids with, someone who I feel "in love" with and want to spend time with, someone who I have things in common with... part of the reason I miss my ex is because I'm doubtful about ever finding someone who could provide those things. Most specifically the feeling of love and understanding... I could find any guy to spend time with and have kids with, but that feeling of genuine love and attraction and connection is hard to find again.

[ADF]

The real answer has to do with brain chemistry. When two people are first attracted to each other, a chemical similar to adrenalin begins to build up in the brain. This build up can go on for 2-3 years, and gives a feeling of intense passion for the other person. After that, it begins to decline and other chemical, the same hormone that induces women to produce breast milk, begins to build up in its place. This chemical gives a sense of comfort and well-being around the other person. That fades out after about 7 years. Then, a third chemical can begin to build up. This chemical leads to a sense of bonding and attachment, and can continue to build up until you die.

 

When you break up, the chemicals linger in your brain for long after the person you were with is gone. We interpret those chemical signals as a longing for the absent BF or GF. This is why so many people break up and make up over and over and over again. The only way to break the cycle is to either wait it out or focus those feeling on someone else.

[stace79]

The real answer has to do with brain chemistry. When two people are first attracted to each other, a chemical similar to adrenalin begins to build up in the brain. This build up can go on for 2-3 years, and gives a feeling of intense passion for the other person. After that, it begins to decline and other chemical, the same hormone that induces women to produce breast milk, begins to build up in its place. This chemical gives a sense of comfort and well-being around the other person. That fades out after about 7 years. Then, a third chemical can begin to build up. This chemical leads to a sense of bonding and attachment, and can continue to build up until you die.

 

When you break up, the chemicals linger in your brain for long after the person you were with is gone. We interpret those chemical signals as a longing for the absent BF or GF. This is why so many people break up and make up over and over and over again. The only way to break the cycle is to either wait it out or focus those feeling on someone else.

 

I don't dispute that physiological things happen like you posted. However, we don't develop those kinds of changes in our brains for just anyone. At least I don't.

 

I have to have things in common, similar personality traits, etc. to develop that sense of closeness with someone. It's not like any guy I meet on the street who's halfway attractive will stimulate these chemical changes to start occuring.

 

It's not as simple as sliding in a new man to replace the old one. If it was that simple, no one would be posting in this forum...

[HeavenOrHell]

I miss being able to be myself 100% with him (I have no-one else I can do that with, or ever have before him)

 

I miss clicking with someone in every way.

 

I miss companionship.

 

I miss all the affection, intimacy.

 

I miss feeling loved, wanted, needed.

 

I miss all the humour-we had that right til the end, still do

 

I miss sharing my life with someone.

 

>so if you dig deep and really think about it, is it your actual ex that you really miss, or do you think it is that vacancy in your life that you want filled again...?<

 

Yes it is my actual ex I miss, I don't want to fill that vacancy or replace him, the thought of being with someone else repulses and depresses me.

Edited November 18, 2009 by HeavenOrHell

[carhill]

For me, it's pretty simple. I miss who I was when I loved her. The little reminders of that pop up every so often and reconciling those memories with who I am now is sometimes painful.

 

Each person's psychology is different, but, for me, the dearth of love (giving, not receiving) is the most painful part.

[HeavenOrHell]

Absolutely.

I miss caring for him and loving him and I just want to look after him and show how much I love him, but I'm not allowed to now:(

 

 

For me, it's pretty simple. I miss who I was when I loved her. The little reminders of that pop up every so often and reconciling those memories with who I am now is sometimes painful.

 

Each person's psychology is different, but, for me, the dearth of love (giving, not receiving) is the most painful part.

[stace79]

Absolutely.

I miss caring for him and loving him and I just want to look after him and show how much I love him, but I'm not allowed to now:(

 

With you 100%. I miss our little pet names and the little habits we both shared together. Little stuff like "grooming" each other -- he always had lint on his shirt or sometimes in his hair. He could never eat without getting something on his face, so I would always be dabbing at him with a napkin. Then he started thinking it would be funny to purposely get food all over his face and refuse to allow me to wipe it off.

 

Or whenever he would wake up first, he would always slide over to "my side" of the bed to cuddle me and wake me up gently. And I miss how he used to mumble in his sleep. And I miss cheering our fav football team together, and his "lucky" shirt he wore for all the games. And our Sunday afternoon ritual of making cheeseburgers, watching football and Amazing Race. Or he used to always stay up later than me, so I'd go to bed first but he never failed to come kiss me when he came in the room, and sometimes it'd scare the living daylights out of me and then I'd scare him jumping or screaming haha.

 

So anyway yes those are the things I miss -- the nuances of my relationship with HIM -- not just any relationship. Knowing that no other man will ever call me "sweetheart" exactly the way he did, or kiss me exactly the way he did, or laugh at the same little inside joke we had... it leaves me feeling very empty.

[ADF]

I didn't mean to reduce the whole thing to brain chemistry--obviously it is more complicated than that. But people are often confused why their rational minds tell the one thing and their emotions another. THAT I think is best explained in terms of brain chemistry.

[HeavenOrHell]

Aw Stace, nearly in tears here

 

 

With you 100%. I miss our little pet names and the little habits we both shared together. Little stuff like "grooming" each other -- he always had lint on his shirt or sometimes in his hair. He could never eat without getting something on his face, so I would always be dabbing at him with a napkin. Then he started thinking it would be funny to purposely get food all over his face and refuse to allow me to wipe it off.

 

Or whenever he would wake up first, he would always slide over to "my side" of the bed to cuddle me and wake me up gently. And I miss how he used to mumble in his sleep. And I miss cheering our fav football team together, and his "lucky" shirt he wore for all the games. And our Sunday afternoon ritual of making cheeseburgers, watching football and Amazing Race. Or he used to always stay up later than me, so I'd go to bed first but he never failed to come kiss me when he came in the room, and sometimes it'd scare the living daylights out of me and then I'd scare him jumping or screaming haha.

 

So anyway yes those are the things I miss -- the nuances of my relationship with HIM -- not just any relationship. Knowing that no other man will ever call me "sweetheart" exactly the way he did, or kiss me exactly the way he did, or laugh at the same little inside joke we had... it leaves me feeling very empty.

[LostLozz]

I am crying here...

 

I miss so many wonderful things about my ex that it tears me up even think of them all.

 

I miss his smile, his lips and his tongue, I miss his gorgeous eyes that I would sink into even if I was angry. They were just beautiful and I could never stay mad at him. I miss his ears and neck and how he loved me to kiss them...I miss his soft skin and the way he smelt. I miss the place where I would rest my hand on his chest when I cuddled him in bed...I miss his fabulous sense of humour and that he never failed to make me laugh.

 

He was silly and full of spirit and I miss his friendship. I miss him calling me "Baby Girl" and me calling him "Chicken"...I miss the way I felt about him and how excited he always made me feel. I always looked forward to seeing him...I miss telling him about my day and him telling me about his...I miss him saying "I hope to see you in my dreams" when he would say goodnight....but most of all I miss being able to tell him that I love him and him saying it in return...

[USMCHokie]

Hopefully I don't start a fire here...BUT....

 

I've noticed a lot of things that people miss about their exes are behaviors or habits or just little things they did that made them unique and special in your hearts and minds...and I don't deny that these are all valid points that might make you miss a particular individual and not just anyone to "fill that spot"...

 

However...I think our minds just associate those behaviors with love...since they were the last things we experienced that made us love and feel loved...they aren't necessarily requirements for a successful relationship...the pet names and silly habits that we "miss"...that's just missing love...and over time, we will find them with each new person we're with...when we've experienced these new nuances, don't we tend to disassociate the old ones with love and replace them with the new ones...i know that some old feelings will be so strong that they will stay with you forever, but what about the ones that don't...?

 

So in the end, aren't we all truly just missing that love/be loved feeling that makes humans so unique...?

[carhill]

Yeah, the little quirks and incidental reminders are memory triggers for the emotions of those moments. The neuropsychometrists I worked with wrt to my mom's disease call them 'emotional memories' and they're stored in completely different way than cognitive memory. That's why people who lost their memory like my mom did can recall certain specific memories, even from after they began the disease process.

 

For us, it's little twinges of what was and who we were. We still are that person and certainly will make new emotional memories and, in time, resolve the twinge to a pleasant smile remembering the totality of our lives. In the end, that's really all we have. Enjoy

[LostLozz]

USMCHokie I do agree with you to a ceratin extent, however I am fully aware of what HeavenOrHell and Stace79 is saying.

 

All I know is that I have been lucky enough to fall in love twice in my life and I am only aged 27.

 

My first love was my high school sweetheart whom I stayed with for almost 10 years. It was my decision to end the relationship because we were different people compared to when we were kids. We just drifted apart...as for my 2nd love, my most recent ex...well I definately did not want this over and I still don't!

 

He has a numeber of selfish faults but when I look at them closely, they really associated with his commitment conflicts, not how he was as a person. He truly is a great man and yes I put him up on a pedestal...and I hated him for leaving me...but if I have loved twice, then maybe I can love again and that is all we can ever really hope for.

 

To love and be loved.

[neowulf]

I miss the way we clicked. I felt closer to her than my own family.

 

I miss the way we could talk for hours and never get bored. I've never met anyone as well read or interesting as she was.

 

I lost my best friend and my lover when it ended.

 

I miss the way she could make me laugh.. like no one else I've ever met.

 

I miss the way we felt like children when we were together.. There was a playfulness in the way we related to one another. The general sense of "liking" one another.

 

I miss feeling. I've been numb since we parted. Like some part of me was amputated and I'll never really be the person I was before.

 

I worry sometimes that losing her has broken me in a way I'll never recover from.

 

It's been over 2 years now and my heart is still empty.

 

I've lost my faith. If a love like ours was can fail... is there really any hope at happiness.

[sean1970]

It's been over 2 years now and my heart is still empty.

 

Jesus... Two years since you broke up?

[Thebob]

1. Definitely sex

2. That look in her eyes when we are about to kiss

3. Holding hands on the beach and being together

4. See her look all cute

5. She was hot

6. Don't think I'll be able to do better than her

7. Don't know when the next time I'll be in another committed relationship.

8. Someone to talk to and cuddle with during movies

9. Her crying when she wasn't going to see me for awhile

 

Those are few of the things, I really don't think I'll find anyone like this for awhile especially in the situation I am currently in.

 

Thebob

[jerseyboy]

I miss the way we clicked. I felt closer to her than my own family.

 

I miss the way we could talk for hours and never get bored. I've never met anyone as well read or interesting as she was.

 

I lost my best friend and my lover when it ended.

 

I miss the way she could make me laugh.. like no one else I've ever met.

 

I miss the way we felt like children when we were together.. There was a playfulness in the way we related to one another. The general sense of "liking" one another.

 

I miss feeling. I've been numb since we parted. Like some part of me was amputated and I'll never really be the person I was before.

 

I worry sometimes that losing her has broken me in a way I'll never recover from.

 

It's been over 2 years now and my heart is still empty.

 

I've lost my faith. If a love like ours was can fail... is there really any hope at happiness.

 

 

Damn bro, I think youre idealizing her

 

No offense, but I doubt she was the paragon of womanhood and love you describe.

 

Shes just a person

[neowulf]

Damn bro, I think youre idealizing her

 

No offense, but I doubt she was the paragon of womanhood and love you describe.

 

Shes just a person

 

Oh she wasn't perfect. Not by a long shot. But I loved her anyway.

 

It's difficult to explain to people who haven't experienced it.

 

Her and I just clicked. From the very first moment. It was one of the most natural and easy feelings I've ever experienced with another person.

 

That happens with next to no one in my life. Ever. My family, most of the people I meet. No one. Yet with her it was easy from the start.

 

And I haven't met anyone who comes close to that since.

 

It isn't about idolizing her. It's about the way it *felt* with we were together. The way she made me feel more than anyone else ever has.

 

It's been 2 years yes. People have given me the "Get over it" speach a dozen times. Perhaps one day.

[Tamia78]

Let's see....what do I miss?

 

1. The feeling of loving and being loved by someone.

2. The feeling that we were made for each other

3. The fact that I could tell my "dark secret" to him, and he accepted it.

4. The feeling of belonging to someone, and that that someone wanted to share his life with me.

 

Looking at my short list, it really doesn't seem like I miss him so much, just the feelings of closeness that I felt with him. That doesn't sound like the right frame of mind to be in to me.

 

--T

[USMCHokie]

 

Looking at my short list, it really doesn't seem like I miss him so much, just the feelings of closeness that I felt with him. That doesn't sound like the right frame of mind to be in to me.

 

--T

 

This is not necessarily true...we all want to love someone and be loved...it's just realizing and accepting that we will get those feelings of closeness again...maybe not with our ex, but with someone that's even better for us...that's what moving on is about...understanding that we are missing love, not a specific person...and it makes it easier for us to find love again if we don't attach it to a single person in this universe...

[sean1970]

This is not necessarily true...we all want to love someone and be loved...it's just realizing and accepting that we will get those feelings of closeness again...maybe not with our ex, but with someone that's even better for us...that's what moving on is about...understanding that we are missing love, not a specific person...and it makes it easier for us to find love again if we don't attach it to a single person in this universe...

 

I like what you wrote here... I still have the problem of feeling that I overachieved with her...

 

It matters little how much I remember what I did for/with her, no matter how many times after the breakup that she said she missed talking/seeing me, the time she told me that she had a hard time dating because all she did was compare them to me... I still think she feels like her life is better now and shed something she should have long ago...

 

I know this means I have a long way to go to repair my self worth... Its still a hard image to shake...

Edited November 20, 2009 by sean1970

[USMCHokie]

I still think she feels like her life is better now...

 

 

This is probably the hardest part of coping with a breakup...accepting that someone is better off without you, even after all the great times during the relationship...I still don't want to believe it myself, but I've come to accept it...and it breaks my heart every time I think about it...but at the same time, my life is also much better now after the breakup...I learned so much from the breakup about myself and relationships in general...

 

And she made me realize the number one thing I'm looking for in a girl...character...and I'm really ok being single for however long it takes to find someone that has amazing character like she did...maybe it'd even end up being her someday, if it was meant to be...but if not, at least I'm headed in the right direction in finding someone that's perfect for me...