angelface78 Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Relapse...HELP ME GET UP!!!!! Here i am 4.5 months after the breakup of my 5 year relationship. I have been through hell and back as im sure all of us on here have. I was feeling better..but now as time keeps passing it hurts so much to know that it is truly over. He is in another relationship. He got into this relationship a month after we broke our engagement and split up. At first i thought it was a rebound because the girl he hooked up with is not his type at all!! Now time keeps passing and they are still together i realize shes not a rebound and it hurts. He seriously got over me soo fast and fell in love w this new girl. How could the man i was with for 5 years do this to me?? I am 41 days NC now since i broke 3 months of NC. Since the break up i broke NC only one time and i dont plan to ever break it again. The holidays are coming and i just want to go into a cave and never come out! I guess the hardest part will be December when we were supposed to get married and christmas and New years. Have spent every Christmas and New years w him and this time will be the first alone. I have anxiety over this. For crying out loud its been almost 5 months i should be over this by now. I am relapsing ...people give me some words of encouragement. I really need it. I appreciate any advice in advance.
sean1970 Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Relapse...HELP ME GET UP!!!!! Here i am 4.5 months after the breakup of my 5 year relationship. I have been through hell and back as im sure all of us on here have. I was feeling better..but now as time keeps passing it hurts so much to know that it is truly over. He is in another relationship. He got into this relationship a month after we broke our engagement and split up. At first i thought it was a rebound because the girl he hooked up with is not his type at all!! Now time keeps passing and they are still together i realize shes not a rebound and it hurts. He seriously got over me soo fast and fell in love w this new girl. How could the man i was with for 5 years do this to me?? I am 41 days NC now since i broke 3 months of NC. Since the break up i broke NC only one time and i dont plan to ever break it again. The holidays are coming and i just want to go into a cave and never come out! I guess the hardest part will be December when we were supposed to get married and christmas and New years. Have spent every Christmas and New years w him and this time will be the first alone. I have anxiety over this. For crying out loud its been almost 5 months i should be over this by now. I am relapsing ...people give me some words of encouragement. I really need it. I appreciate any advice in advance. You have made it a long time. Many here would kill to have that much NC time under their belt... What have you been doing for yourself in those months?
Ms. Joolie Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Very good question, sean1970. Angelface, Everytime I read your posts, I can feel your anger and your pain. Even now, I can not even begin to imagine what that is like! To give 5 years to man, to be engaged... and then it's over. Then he jumps into another relationship. This is one of the hardest situations I've read on LS. To recover from this injury, is going to take GREAT strength. What I have a hard time understanding though, is that it's been 3-4 weeks that I've been posting on LS, and most of the postings I read of yours have the same anger and pain. Have you gotten any better during these 5 months? And if not, why do you think that is? I'm not trying to judge you, I'm just trying to understand why your wound is not healing. Perhaps you need more understanding on the situation of what actually happened. Do you feel you have a good grasp of what happened? And are you not just torturing yourself with the same emotions, the same thoughts? Can you not accept new thoughts and new feelings about what happened, where you are now, and the future? I think a major problem might be how you look him up on the net. That would surely do it for me. I mean, I can't tell you how much better I feel because I promised myself not to look. I know my ex is dating. He doesn't like to be alone. I know he's out there doing what single guys do. It's life. But I don't want to know about his. I want to concentrate on ME, on MY life, not his. He's not in my life anymore, and now without me looking him up on the internet, he truly ISN'T. Vent all you want. Please! But don't hold onto the same old thoughts and the same old feelings. You're just torturing yourself. Get some fresh air, fresh insights, new thoughts, new feelings.... You have to work at it and it just sounds like you've been in the same place for so long! Only trying to help, angel. I really, really want to see you let go of that pain and the anger!
Author angelface78 Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 Thanks Ms. Joolie. Well yes it is one of the hardest things you can imagine. I have gotten better believe it or not. Im just on a rollercoaster. Sometimes i feel like im getting better and then im not. i will get over this eventually.
teanoranges Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 I've read a lot about how it can take longer periods to get over breakups the longer you were with them. 5 years is a long time and you are probably doing real well in the process, it'll just take some time.. Hopefully soon, you'll feel some lifting. I agree, I wish I had 41 days of NC under my belt.
nobleguy Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 I spent 3 months hoping and hoping and hoping that my ex would not go with anyone else. So I had begun to dela with the split itself but had not had to come to terms with her sleeping with someone else. When that finally happened I relapsed in a major way. Almost went loopy (literally). I think in some ways if she had cheated and it had all happened at the same time I would be much further down the road. The final realisation that it is over some time after the initial split is bound to make you feel low all over again. It's almost worse having that hope in the first few weeks or months, then having to deal with another crushing blow. I feel for you but I know in time (again, it's always time, time, time...) those horrible feelings will fade again.
Ms. Joolie Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 (edited) Im just on a rollercoaster. Sometimes i feel like im getting better and then im not. i will get over this eventually. I guess the roller coaster ride is expected. I can relate to that, of course. Sometimes there will be something that reminds me of the ex, and I'll feel very emotional. It's not just the ex. I'm thinking this happens when it comes to memories of my dad, too. I was helping my mom sort out her recipe book, and there were a couple of handwritten recipes my dad had written... original recipes he enjoyed making for us kids. And then all the thoughts and emotions come, and it's hard! It's like, wait a minute, let me get a hold of myself...! I've been listening to a CD set as I get ready in the morning, it's just a self-improvement type Kabbalah study*, which I find interesting, but they were discussing how we can change our reaction to certain memories and how we can control our emotions. Roughly, it's like this, four steps: 1) Something happens, or memories come up 2) Our reaction takes place 3) We can stop that reaction. (if negative) 4) We can transform that reaction into something positive of our choice I think then that we have control on how we react to memories from the past, or old relationships. Instead of simply reacting the way you have always reacted, you can stop your negative reactions. Think about what you want to tell yourself instead, what positive thoughts you want to exchange for the negative ones. It will take a little work, but once you replace those old thoughts, old emotions, old reactions... it will be worth it, right? I did think of you this morning when going through that CD, and wanted to share it with you. I will definitely be using this new awareness of my reactions. *"The Living Kabbalah System", to give proper credit. lol Edited November 18, 2009 by Ms. Joolie
nobleguy Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 I'll tell you what else works for me. I have memories of my current town that get stirred up often, just by walking past a scene of previous happiness or sadness or whatever. So I find that as I go over those memories with new ones they are the ones I think of first rather than being with my ex. For example, there is a walk between two pub/bar districts in town where in July I was with the ex and carried her on my back for a bit. There are photos of it and we were both happy. Two weeks later we had split up. And I get sad reminders every single time I walk past that damn spot. So on Friday I'm going to do that walk while out with my friends and I'm going to carry one of those heavy lumps along that strip to get a new happy memory to replace the sad one. Even if it breaks mty back. I went to the ice rink last week and the thought of that made me sad beforehand. Now I've had fun there with other people I don't get sad thinking about ice skating. I've done it at various bars and clubs and had fun where previously I had been with my ex. It's weird but it seems to work with me. I just need a hot date to take to Paris and I reckon I'll be OK. LOL!
HeavenOrHell Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Aw hun I'm at 4 months now and for a while last month I was doing better, but the last few days it's hit me again so hard. I feel so thankful my ex hasn't got someone else yet, but it's only a matter of time and I am DREADING it, I am terrified that I won't be able to cope when I am already fragile. My heart really goes out to you. I am trying to cope with the fact he doesn't care so much, basically trying to cope with the enormity of him abandoning me after 18 years when I thought he loved and cared about me. 4 months and still cant get my head around it. I feel incredibly alone especially as I don't have much support, and he does (mostly from friends who were originally mine and who haven't bothered with me since we split but HAVE been there for him). I am dreading Xmas, I'll be on my own, everyone seems jolly, it's like a continual slap in the face. I dread having 2 or 3 days in a row seeing nobody. I want it to all be over. It must be a million times worse for you as you were supposed to be getting married. Please don't be hard on yourself, 5 months isn't long, not after a long term relationship, you can't hurry the grieving process (((((hugs))))) to you hun, you are not alone, there are so many of us going through the same thing. Relapse...HELP ME GET UP!!!!! Here i am 4.5 months after the breakup of my 5 year relationship. I have been through hell and back as im sure all of us on here have. I was feeling better..but now as time keeps passing it hurts so much to know that it is truly over. He is in another relationship. He got into this relationship a month after we broke our engagement and split up. At first i thought it was a rebound because the girl he hooked up with is not his type at all!! Now time keeps passing and they are still together i realize shes not a rebound and it hurts. He seriously got over me soo fast and fell in love w this new girl. How could the man i was with for 5 years do this to me?? I am 41 days NC now since i broke 3 months of NC. Since the break up i broke NC only one time and i dont plan to ever break it again. The holidays are coming and i just want to go into a cave and never come out! I guess the hardest part will be December when we were supposed to get married and christmas and New years. Have spent every Christmas and New years w him and this time will be the first alone. I have anxiety over this. For crying out loud its been almost 5 months i should be over this by now. I am relapsing ...people give me some words of encouragement. I really need it. I appreciate any advice in advance.
HeavenOrHell Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 I'd be up for Paris I'll tell you what else works for me. I have memories of my current town that get stirred up often, just by walking past a scene of previous happiness or sadness or whatever. So I find that as I go over those memories with new ones they are the ones I think of first rather than being with my ex. For example, there is a walk between two pub/bar districts in town where in July I was with the ex and carried her on my back for a bit. There are photos of it and we were both happy. Two weeks later we had split up. And I get sad reminders every single time I walk past that damn spot. So on Friday I'm going to do that walk while out with my friends and I'm going to carry one of those heavy lumps along that strip to get a new happy memory to replace the sad one. Even if it breaks mty back. I went to the ice rink last week and the thought of that made me sad beforehand. Now I've had fun there with other people I don't get sad thinking about ice skating. I've done it at various bars and clubs and had fun where previously I had been with my ex. It's weird but it seems to work with me. I just need a hot date to take to Paris and I reckon I'll be OK. LOL!
Author angelface78 Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 You people are all sooo wonderful!!! Thanks to all who took the time to send a little advice and words of comfort my way. This thing i am going thru is the worst pain i have ever experienced. I know im going to get out of this one way or another. I spoke w his sister yesterday. I try not to talk to her a lot because i dont want to hear anything about him. She told me yesterday that she asked him if he was over me. She said that he said "In a way i am, but i still care for her its just we fought too much" (this is true we did fight a lot) She said she asked him if he was serious about that new girl he said 'i dont know im taking it slow dont want to rush into anything" (Helloooo you started a relationship w her a month after we broke our engagement. Kinda late for that.) His sister told me to live my life and move on that he is over at that girl's house everyday and sometimes doesnt come home on the weekends. It hurt me to hear that....i know i shouldn be hearing stuff like this. It really brought me down. I am going to try to use this info to move on..and just see that he has a new life and i need to accept that!! ;( There is a very nice guy that likes me a lot...his sis said why dont you give him a chance. This new guy i do like but im scared and just not ready yet...maybe in the future. This is all too much. I will try to redirect my thoughts like you guys advised though thanks guys!!
wondering_girl Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 hi angelface, i know relapses are hard it seems like every place, every activity reminds you of him and it even hurts since he's seeing someone else, but babe, think of it like this - it's good that he's shown his true colors now rather than a year later ya know..... i know it sucks but you're right there is a guy out there somewhere, i know how hard it is thinking how long u guys were together.......... *********HUGS********
jerseyboy Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 You cant really put a time limit on it all. When I broke it off after almost 9 years in a relationship, fully knowing I wanted it over and not ever really doubting the decision, I still was dealing even a year later. But as you know eventually you can barely even recall what you felt at the time. Best of luck to you
nobleguy Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 I'd be up for Paris Lets swap photos then LOL!
sean1970 Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 I feel so thankful my ex hasn't got someone else yet, but it's only a matter of time and I am DREADING it, I am terrified that I won't be able to cope when I am already fragile. If memory serves, you still keep in contact with him, yes? You would not dread it so if you did not have an opportunity to know.
nobleguy Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 If memory serves, you still keep in contact with him, yes? You would not dread it so if you did not have an opportunity to know. Problem is that you'd just imagine it instead. I spent a week thinking she was with someone and it turned out she wasn't. Then I found out some weeks later that she was and I went through it all again. I'd rather just know as soon as possible and get it out of my system.
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