What do you think?

[puppydog]

Do these scenarios count as "walking out" on someone?

 

1. Walking away from an uncomfortable silence/argument while sitting in the car and walking back into my house. He drives off screeching. I call him 10 minutes later and apologize. I say it's walking away from an argument and although it was very rude, not the same thing as walking-out.

 

2. He's sick and I've been taking care of him for almost 2 months straight every single day. I get tired one day while he is being cranky and whiney. I pack up my bags and walk out of the bedroom...only to walk back 3 seconds later and apologize like crazy.

 

What do you think? My ex gives those two scenarios as some of the reasons why he can't trust me. He says that my first impulse is to run whenever there's conflict, but I told him that's not true. I've argued and fought with him on countless occasions and made up at that time also. He's an only child so many the way he thinks is different. What do you think?

Edited November 17, 2009 by puppydog

[CLC2008]

Not sure. I have walked away from situations that were unhealthy before, and I'd do it again if I had to. I will never be someone's second fiddle again, period. As for arguments/conflicts, it is perfectly reasonable to walk away from it, and then come back when things have cooled off. Turning your back on someone though during conflict, and then not addressing it at a later point in time, damages trust.

[puppydog]

Yeah, we've always addressed the issues of the conflict/argument, but I've never turned my back on him. Maybe that's why he's hurt because my walking away from a conflict translated into turning my back on him (or so he thinks maybe?)

 

I feel like we had 3.5 years of an awesome relationship. We had our share of ups and down, but we always resolved it (or so I thought). When we broke up, he dragged up every single situation of which he thought I "walked out on him". In retrospect, my only thought is "how petty is this" but I'm trying to understand how or why he felt that way.

 

I honestly feel like these are issues that we can talk about and I can change the way I express my frustration, but he seems very firm in his decision that he doesn't think he could ever trust me again.

 

He's acting like he's totally moved on and that it's the end of the relationship, but it's difficult to believe him when he says this. Do I believe him when he says he hopes I can find someone who makes me happy?

 

Has anyone else been in this situation before?

 

One of my older guy friends told me that he's just putting me in the corner and trying to throw everything back in my face to make me feel like crap, but I don't know what to think anymore...

[stace79]

My personal opinion is that your bf/ex needs to get a grip. My ex would have died and gone to heaven if I'd do what you did! He always said he couldn't argue with me in the heat of the conflict because we were too angry and he didn't want to say something mean.

 

He preferred to walk away for a short time -- maybe just 15 minutes, sometimes a few hours -- and then come back and talk when we weren't horribly angry.

 

Sounds like he was extremely babied or something. But regardless, if he's made up his mind, arguing to no end isn't usually helpful. Just pushed them further away.

[CLC2008]

Yeah, we've always addressed the issues of the conflict/argument, but I've never turned my back on him. Maybe that's why he's hurt because my walking away from a conflict translated into turning my back on him (or so he thinks maybe?)

 

I feel like we had 3.5 years of an awesome relationship. We had our share of ups and down, but we always resolved it (or so I thought). When we broke up, he dragged up every single situation of which he thought I "walked out on him". In retrospect, my only thought is "how petty is this" but I'm trying to understand how or why he felt that way.

 

I honestly feel like these are issues that we can talk about and I can change the way I express my frustration, but he seems very firm in his decision that he doesn't think he could ever trust me again.

 

He's acting like he's totally moved on and that it's the end of the relationship, but it's difficult to believe him when he says this. Do I believe him when he says he hopes I can find someone who makes me happy?

 

Has anyone else been in this situation before?

 

One of my older guy friends told me that he's just putting me in the corner and trying to throw everything back in my face to make me feel like crap, but I don't know what to think anymore...

 

Perhaps they are petty, in your view.

 

You have your viewpoints, and he has his.

 

If someone is trying to share their frustrations with you, walking away from them is going to have the opposite effect. It's like saying "I don't care enough about you to hear what you have to say". If done enough over time, that's when shared intimacy starts to crumble.

[White Flower]

Do these scenarios count as "walking out" on someone?

 

1. Walking away from an uncomfortable silence/argument while sitting in the car and walking back into my house. He drives off screeching. I call him 10 minutes later and apologize. I say it's walking away from an argument and although it was very rude, not the same thing as walking-out.

 

2. He's sick and I've been taking care of him for almost 2 months straight every single day. I get tired one day while he is being cranky and whiney. I pack up my bags and walk out of the bedroom...only to walk back 3 seconds later and apologize like crazy.

 

What do you think? My ex gives those two scenarios as some of the reasons why he can't trust me. He says that my first impulse is to run whenever there's conflict, but I told him that's not true. I've argued and fought with him on countless occasions and made up at that time also. He's an only child so many the way he thinks is different. What do you think?

It sounds as though you have a tendency to bolt when times are tough but that is not the same as walking out. His being an only child only accentuates his fears that you actually will leave him and you need to put his mind at ease. Try not to walk away each time the kitchen gets hot. Take a deep breath, cool off, then start over until the issues are worked out.

 

Good luck.

[puppydog]

Did I forget to mention that he got cheated on by his exgf. I only found this out after the fact (after we had broken up). Do guys like this ever realize that they have been carrying their past baggage into relationships?

 

I still care for him, but it appears that he has firmly closed the door. I don't know what to do at this point.

[CLC2008]

Did I forget to mention that he got cheated on by his exgf. I only found this out after the fact (after we had broken up). Do guys like this ever realize that they have been carrying their past baggage into relationships?

 

I still care for him, but it appears that he has firmly closed the door. I don't know what to do at this point.

 

I think people in general, don't always realize they've been carrying their luggage around, until after the fact. Which I guess is pretty normal human behavior.

 

The arguments you've mentioned don't appear to be that damaging, and if you both love each other, you'll both work through it.

[puppydog]

He says he's too scared to try again because he doesn't want to go through the heartbreak of it again. I think in his mind, he's afraid that i'm going to walk out on him when things get though later in life (ie. his parents die and his business goes bankrupt). I told him I'm in this (him willing) for the rest of my natural life.

 

I don't want to keep calling him or badgering him because I feel that's going to push him away even further. Maybe I should give him some time apart to think about it to himself. If it really is love (which I hope) I would like to think we have a shot at a second chance.

 

But then again, where's the guarantee that he would even come around. I'm in a dilemma mostly. I feel like if he doesn't want it enough to try again, should I even bother trying to persuade him? I can imagine the relationship turning into a "you-owe-me" type.

 

I really don't know what to do anymore. Move on and hope that he comes around? Wait?

[White Flower]

He says he's too scared to try again because he doesn't want to go through the heartbreak of it again. I think in his mind, he's afraid that i'm going to walk out on him when things get though later in life (ie. his parents die and his business goes bankrupt). I told him I'm in this (him willing) for the rest of my natural life.

 

I don't want to keep calling him or badgering him because I feel that's going to push him away even further. Maybe I should give him some time apart to think about it to himself. If it really is love (which I hope) I would like to think we have a shot at a second chance.

 

But then again, where's the guarantee that he would even come around. I'm in a dilemma mostly. I feel like if he doesn't want it enough to try again, should I even bother trying to persuade him? I can imagine the relationship turning into a "you-owe-me" type.

 

I really don't know what to do anymore. Move on and hope that he comes around? Wait?

His being cheated on again may be the reason behind his self-preservation at this point but you've done everything to reassure him. It sounds like he's being a drama queen over this. All you can do is wait and be patient. If he really loves you, he'll be back.

[puppydog]

Thank you for all your responses. Like white flower said, if he really truly loved me like he said he did, I hope he does come back and that it's not too late for us. While we were together, we loved each other and forgave each other at the drop of a hat. I'm hoping that after all the anger/bitterness subsides, he'll come to his senses.

 

I'm just going to try to move on quietly by myself (because I still need to grow as a person and heal) but keep the door open for as long as possible (because hope dies last). I'm going to expect the worst but hope for the best.