Beeotch Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 I haven't posted in a while...and was a bit hesitant to post this as as time went by LS was less and less helpful for me and I wasn't resonating anymore with people here (nothing bad, just the natural process of healing where as you move through the stages, certain things once helpful/comforting etc are no longer so ). I also did not want to post because I am not sure how to feel about this.... The day we all wait for...while we may not admit it, is for our exes to return and apologize and ask for us back. We allll have had those fantasies or still have them and I was no different. That day came...sort of, 2 days ago. But I have no idea how to feel. The one good feeling is that....I WAS RIGHT! All my thoughts and feelings more or less about my ex, why he behaves the way he does, the belief that his gf after me was just a rebound and that he still wanted me...were ALL correct. So I feel great that I have good intuition My ex and I broke up in March and a lotttt happened between then....I tried the friend thing until around June was when I decided to apply NC. I didn;'t talk to him or initiate contact with him although he would comment on things I said on Twitter (I unfollowed him on there). I tried to move forward with my life. In July he texted me a couple times. In August I see on Facebook that he was in a relationship (I was crusssssssssshed! Posted on here about it). I felt the relationship was a sham, she was not his type, couldn't hold a candle to me etc. But it hurt. I decided to ignore him even more. School starts...I go back to it and decide to really just make the best of my senior year of college. He randomly called me in September and randomly invites himself over to visit me after saying he was "driving around aimlessly" and how it reminded him of when we used to go out alot ....I thought that was very weeeeird and why would you come hang with your ex gf at 11 pm at night when u have a gf (although I think she lived 2 hours away..which also was weird). I allowed him to hang out. It was in a group setting. I treated him like a friend. I did not initiate contact with him after that. Side note: my bestfriend would update me from time to time on some stuff he would say on Facebook and Twitter, and he never spoke about his so-called gf and when he did it was always something that made her sound like an idiot or like he was annoyed by her. When he came to visit me in Sept he said NOTHING about her. He randomly called me some other time saying how he went to the farmer's market which reminds him of me and then he was updating me on his life...all this time he still says NOTHING about his new relationship. He discusses his new job and all this other stuff and conveniently nothing about her is mentioned. Another time he texts me at like 3 am saying how his ex wife was telling him how pretty I was....and I was like WTF???? Why would she do that? Why would u text me that at 3 am? Where is ur gf in all this??? 3 weekends ago he calls me saying he was checking up on how I was doing In my mind he had been doing all these weird things, reaching out to me. But I felt they were all silly, beating around the bush and just weird. Then last week calls and says "I feel bad for calling but I knew you would be a neutral party....I broke up with my gf and she lives with me and I just want to get away". WTF????? He NEVER spoke to me about her but when they break up he brings her up for the 1st time and then also says I would be neutral?? WTFFFF But basically I felt like he just wanted me to know they were no longer together He went on to tell me about how he used that relationship to mature and learn compromise and patience and how since we broke up he has matured a lot and he realizes he wants to settle down and all this stuff...and I was like okaay? Long story short I left that convo like wtf?? Then fast forward to 2 days ago:he texts me asking if I was up and I said yes and he asks why and I said why not, Im always up. Then he texts me saying he was doing work and he missed my voice so he wanted to see if I was up too. :confused: This is the FIRST time since MAY that he has said anything remotely affectionate to me, esp since in May he told me he wasn't inlove and didnt care if we were friends. I didn't know what to say. He then calls and is talking about random stuff then says "I have an issue...I find myself missing you and I wanted to hang out with you but bc of my obvious "situation" I couldnt. But that's over. I know u might have hang ups and I understand. I also am still sexually attracted to you and I don't know how u feel about that". I was taken aback! I basically told him yes I did have issues....and I especially explained the fact that he said he didnt love me and didnt care if we were friends...he claimed not to remember and claimed that at the time he just wanted me to be "setlled" and he was frustrated so was saying anything so I would be "settled" he then apologized and said he didnt mean it and that he knew he was wrong for a lot in our break up and he handled it badly but he has really matured and although not perfect has learned and I was just unsure about the whole thing....he then went on to say that he knows it will take a lot for me to trust him again but he has no problem working to earn my trust. We hung up. Which brings me to NOW,......NOW WHAT?? I thought it was everything I wanted to hear...but I feel blaaaah! I still love him but I guess after EVERYTHING I am more leery and have no tolerance for bullshyt so I am NOT jumping for joy. If a reconciliation is going to happen it is going to take alooooooooooooooooooot. I dreamed of this day, imagined it but now that it is here, I don't know. I am certainly happy I was right, glad he still cares...but I am also TIRED. I am also not ready to delve into anything with him to be let down. Lots of feelings...
stace79 Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Well, I would say definitely proceed with caution. It's good you're not just overjoyed b/c you might jump right back into something with him and just get hurt again. I think you SHOULD make him work to earn it. Tell him if he wants a second chance that he can start over from the beginning and ask you on a proper date, and bring you flowers, and take you home and no fooling around. Take your time -- it took you a long time to get over him, if you even are over him now, so don't let yourself get heartbroken again by the same man! Watch his actions, don't just listen to what he says... Good luck!
Author Beeotch Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 Well, I would say definitely proceed with caution. It's good you're not just overjoyed b/c you might jump right back into something with him and just get hurt again. I think you SHOULD make him work to earn it. Tell him if he wants a second chance that he can start over from the beginning and ask you on a proper date, and bring you flowers, and take you home and no fooling around. Take your time -- it took you a long time to get over him, if you even are over him now, so don't let yourself get heartbroken again by the same man! Watch his actions, don't just listen to what he says... Good luck! Thanks. Those are my exact sentiments! I am not over him but have made MUCH progress so my big fear is risking all that going down the drain by letting him in. I kind of feel like it is safer to move forward than possibly take 50 steps back and end up hurt again. Although he apologized, I feel like he doesnt know the HALF of what needs to be done and he wants a hurry-come-up, quick-fix to things. He should know that if he wants me back he should be willing to go at MY PACE. Sooo I'm seeing how things are going. I am still not comfortable initiating the contact with him but there is LOTS to clean up, lots and lots and lots. Sooo I am definitely proceeding with caution. Not making any moves or decisions...just seeing what he is about.
Limbo21 Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Hi, firstly I can't respond properly as I'm on a packed commuter train BUT I will say .... I've never spoken to you & visa vera but I look up to you and your views so much. I've wanted you to come for some time now as your one of the very few that hasn't different opinions to most & have the intelligence & integrity to express your views that resonate with me Just wanted to say I look up to you All the best
HeavenOrHell Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 I would feel the same hun, I dream of him wanting me back and for the first month I would have taken him straight back, but 4 months on now and although I would like to see if we could rebuild, I have felt so hurt and betrayed by him leaving that I would be hesitant and it would take a long time, I would not rush into anything. Good luck
Author Beeotch Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 Hi, firstly I can't respond properly as I'm on a packed commuter train BUT I will say .... I've never spoken to you & visa vera but I look up to you and your views so much. I've wanted you to come for some time now as your one of the very few that hasn't different opinions to most & have the intelligence & integrity to express your views that resonate with me Just wanted to say I look up to you All the best Wow..thank you. I really appreciate that
Author Beeotch Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 I would feel the same hun, I dream of him wanting me back and for the first month I would have taken him straight back, but 4 months on now and although I would like to see if we could rebuild, I have felt so hurt and betrayed by him leaving that I would be hesitant and it would take a long time, I would not rush into anything. Good luck Yeaa its soo funny...sometimes it seems as if the fantasy or thoughts are better or maybe I should say easier than the reality. I guess in your fantasies about it, it is a lot simpler than the reality. The reality is that it is very scary, confusing, mixed emotions.
amtz Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 KARMA KARMA KARMA!!! what turns around comes around;) Will pray for you
selena_cat Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 (edited) Hey Queen B, my ex is being nice to me too,talking to me steadily,calling me late at night, and yes he has a gf,i'm wondring to where is she when he does that, but I don't care to ask for that info,and i'm glad he has sense enough not to rub it in my face like he insensitively has done so in the past. But I say like the first responder, Proceeed with caution,take it turtle slow,dont jump back with him and if he needs to see you,do it in a group setting like you have done,then he'l itch to be alone with you. I myself don't trust when an ex starts acting nice and make more effort than they did in the past,because i know its shortlived and go back to their old ways,his old ways mostly.just want to say,be careful and i'm happy for you,hope it does work out:) Edited November 21, 2009 by selena_cat
Author Beeotch Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 (edited) Thanks ya'll....although to be frank, there should be no congratulations or good luck in order honestly. Basically nothing significant has changed...he has said a couple of stuff and that is all. I haven't spoken to him since then and I almost don't care.... He no longer has the power. I have already decided what I will and won't take and what it will take to get me back. He has done NOTHING thus far worthy of my time. I'm just doing me right now and things are going great. I realize I have A LOT going for me that is soo much bigger than him and his silliness and while I am not on a pedestal however, I do believe I am a woman of excellent caliber, doing a lot with my life. I am pretty, intelligent, ambitious, driven and very giving and all these great things and I KNOW it so I set standards for myself and right now his lame attempt is NOT matching up and while I love him...I love myself more and I love myself enough to realize that he is not the last man and certainly I am worth all that I will give and should not and WILL NOT settle for anything less that excellence With that being said....my ex can kindly kiss my a$$ if he is still about the bullshyt. Because I don't have time for it. I realize...the pain DOES subside and I would rather take the pain and LESSONS now and move forward and find a man who will be all I need him to be. Than get myself entangled with my ex, lowering my standards and all this only to end up back at square one, heart broken AGAIN and feeling foolish. Edited November 22, 2009 by Beeotch
WTRanger Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 This is a thread perfect for those people who wonder why their ex's move on so quickly and into another relationship. Simply put, they are not moving on. They are running away. They will come back. They always come back. Unfortunately for them, we have dealt with things and are so much better off than they are. Beeotch took time to fix herself. Dealt with her problems and she's a far stronger woman because of it. While her ex is basically still the same drip he was when they broke up. It is all about finding value in yourself and not placing your value in the hands of someone else. Think about it. All the best things in life, the most precious gems like diamonds and pearls are all created under intense pressure and irritation. Use the break up as a venue to focus on you, not the ex.
StalledGirl Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 I know others will disagree but I think it's silly saying ex's will ALWAYS come back. It's just not true and gives frail people misguided hopes. Focusing on yourself is so important when a relationship ends as we all know how ill it can sometimes make us ,but it should be done because we are worth it and not for some mythical day when they crawl back. I hope you hold out OP! He doesn't sound like he deserves a second chance to me
mem11363 Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 Seems that the cause of the break is important. Thanks. Those are my exact sentiments! I am not over him but have made MUCH progress so my big fear is risking all that going down the drain by letting him in. I kind of feel like it is safer to move forward than possibly take 50 steps back and end up hurt again. Although he apologized, I feel like he doesnt know the HALF of what needs to be done and he wants a hurry-come-up, quick-fix to things. He should know that if he wants me back he should be willing to go at MY PACE. Sooo I'm seeing how things are going. I am still not comfortable initiating the contact with him but there is LOTS to clean up, lots and lots and lots. Sooo I am definitely proceeding with caution. Not making any moves or decisions...just seeing what he is about.
Author Beeotch Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 I know others will disagree but I think it's silly saying ex's will ALWAYS come back. It's just not true and gives frail people misguided hopes. Focusing on yourself is so important when a relationship ends as we all know how ill it can sometimes make us ,but it should be done because we are worth it and not for some mythical day when they crawl back. I hope you hold out OP! He doesn't sound like he deserves a second chance to me I know my exes deeper issues....I know that he has a lot he needs to deal with and come to terms with before he can make me happy or even himself happy. What is good is the fact that he has admitted it to some level....however it is not up to the level that I need. If he got up to that level then I would consider giving him a second chance but as I said, I love hm but I love myself too and I'm NOT going to accept less than best juss because of "love" As for exes always coming back..ofcourse nothing is absolute. I don't know what people mean by that, I think if one means come back as in want back the relationship and make SINCERE and consistent effort to gain it back...then NO that doesn't always happen...but if u mean they always pop up and contact you or seeem like they care or even flirt or even say they miss you, yea it happens alot BUT that is not to be confused with them coming back and sincerely working on a reconciliation. Most times they pop up and disappear just as quick as they came.
Boundary Problem Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 Think about it. All the best things in life, the most precious gems like diamonds and pearls are all created under intense pressure and irritation. Use the break up as a venue to focus on you, not the ex. This is just an excellent quote. We set our own value, not them. We seldom learn from our successes, but a painful relationship is a veritable fountain of information about ourselves.
Author Beeotch Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 Update ....well not that anything significant has happened, I guess just update on what has NOT happened and my feelings. So about 2 weeks ago or so after intermittently appearing in my life and checking on me etc while with his rebound, my ex breaks up with her and informs me. Then later on tells me he misses me and he knows I might have hang-ups about hanging out with him and he knows he has to get me to trust him again and he has no problems with that and he knows he did lots wrong and he apologizes....then the next day he speaks to me on google chat, nothing important. But pretty much since then he has NOT initiated anything substantial. I will admit that in my dreams I wanted him to magically realize his folly (not in terms of only me but the deeper issues within himself), magically be able to articulate every wrong he has done and that he gets how it affected me, magically acknowledge and articulate his deeper issues, magically confess his love and want for me in his life and magically decide to work on himself and our relationship and magically even go through romantic lengths and widths to make it up to me (romantic getaway, jewelry, making some changes on my terms, a dozen roses..all that jazz). I dreamed of all that occurring in ONE phone call (preferably the one in which he said he missed me) or at least within the same week. If that occurred then I would feel significantly more happy and less anxious and life would be beautiful right? I would get everything I want? Even typing this...I can see where maybe there is a huge discrepancy between what I want and dream of and the way things actually work in reality. I love writing out my thoughts and feelings because I can really step back and see what is going on with me. I think a big part of me is fully aware that my ex is NOT READY to approach me in any substantial way. I know his issues and it makes perfect sense that being one who tends to like easy street, he is not ready to put in the work for me or even himself. He is in what is known as the "contemplation stage" in the process of change...where you realize you have a problem, you realize you need to do something about it, you know what you would like but you are simply not ready to do anything about it yet. I knew this...when he spoke to me it felt exactly like that. EVERYTHING I have thought about my ex has come to pass....so I am not going to second guess myself on this matter. The problem is....I don't give a shyt! Sometimes I hate being so understanding as sometimes being ignorant and unaware allows you to just act in irrational ways that atleast feel good for a while. I want what I want in my dreams....I do not want perhaps the reality of things which is...he is going to be ready in his own sweet time. A big thing for me is that he has done soooooooooooooooooo much after our break up. Every single day I miss him and imagine our future IF he were to get on track but then they are clouded by angry thoughts and digust at everything else and just venom at the fact that he is still not ready to change and still doing the same ol' same ol'. I KNOWWW that change takes time, it is hard and it is very much a process and cannot be on MY terms therefore I can't be tooo too upset at him and atleast give him some credit (since his issues lead him to this fake arrogance) for atleast admitting certain faults and flaws, that probably was a lot for him...but I find myself thinking "So effing wat? Hooray for you! What about MY feelings????" I am also mad that he told me thank you for forgiving him when I SAID NOTHING about forgiving him . *exhale* I thought I would feel a lot of relief to have my feelings finally confirmed that this chick was a rebound (he has not even admitted that in those words, but skirted around it), that he in fact does miss me and can't replace me that easily and all that....BUT I DON'T! I feel more anxiety NOW than I did when everything was all based off my intuition and intelligent speculation. I guess it is because they did not happen how I want them to or the truth is...he has not addresses much of anything in a way to let me understand or atleast confess he is an idiot or anything. When he occasionally popped up, clearly making random convo and randomly inviting himself to visit while he has a gf...it was funny to me. It was interesting to see him squirm ridiculously and make these ridiculous excuses to be in my presence while pretending it was something else. I lived my life and when those moments came around they were like entertainment for me BUT now...it is like his rebound is over and we're still not even on track for even working a normal friendship out...so it leaves me with anxiety and dread and fear. It leaves me waiting to see what he is going to do next, is this the end of the line forever, after all is said and done is he still full of empty promises, too lazy to change? Am I going to feel devastated that I still care for him and have to try to forget him all over? Am I going to end up hating him? Is he going to come with some lame reasons that will just infuriate me and make me realize I really DONT want him and then have to go on that journey to again move on? Because in truth I felt I was waiting. Not consciously waiting for him to run back to me, but all my intuitions and feelings and the particulars of the situation made me realize that it was not completely the end and that he has digresses to be a fool bc of his issues....so while he had his rebound and did a bunch of BS...I said NOTHING to him because "I knew how the movie would end" is what I call it. I just had that feeling of knowing.....knowing that underneath all the facades, what was really occurring. So it is no surprise now that things have come to what they are....my fears are just trusting myself perhaps, because I do believe he needs a lot more time. I do believe he is not ready and in no way up[ to par to really step to me in any substantial way but I am scared to feel like I am waiting for him to be. I want to completely not care...and then IF he does get ready then he can reach me wherever I am at in life and I can see from there what we can do. But I don't want to be disappointed. I don't want to take 50 steps forward as I have done since we have broken up only to take 150 back by mentally and emotionally involving myself with him.
Author Beeotch Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 Sorry for the length I guess I really had a lot to get off my chest
Kic Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 All or nothing. The goal you both must share is to return to BF/GF status, otherwise continue moving on and don't even consider friendship. You mentioned being friends until you eventually applied NC. Next time, skip the friends/fade away part and go straight to NC. What he is doing now seems to be gradually exploring the idea and your openness of going back into BF/GF. This is a good sign, but I wouldn't rush this, as what if you are the rebound of his rebound? Happens all the time. Even if you're been with him before, the natural reaction from someone who loses someone is to quickly find someone else (new, or YOU) to replace that emptiness. It takes time to overcome the emptiness on one's own and then truly realize what one wants. Therefore, don't rush him. Let him go at his own pace to be sure that you're not another rebound and that it's YOU that he wants and not just another warm, familiar body to replace emptiness with. There's no reason to hold your breath, either - keep looking around for someone better while he figures it out.
Author Beeotch Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 All or nothing. The goal you both must share is to return to BF/GF status, otherwise continue moving on and don't even consider friendship. You mentioned being friends until you eventually applied NC. Next time, skip the friends/fade away part and go straight to NC. What he is doing now seems to be gradually exploring the idea and your openness of going back into BF/GF. This is a good sign, but I wouldn't rush this, as what if you are the rebound of his rebound? Happens all the time. Even if you're been with him before, the natural reaction from someone who loses someone is to quickly find someone else (new, or YOU) to replace that emptiness. It takes time to overcome the emptiness on one's own and then truly realize what one wants. Therefore, don't rush him. Let him go at his own pace to be sure that you're not another rebound and that it's YOU that he wants and not just another warm, familiar body to replace emptiness with. There's no reason to hold your breath, either - keep looking around for someone better while he figures it out. I learned from the trying to be friends thing....I realized that was not working so I cut him off. While I am not looking toward future break ups, if they occur I would get everything out on the table THEN do NC. I do not agree with not saying how you feel or trying to discuss things then diving into NC. The mistake most ppl make and that I made, was AFTER saying all I could say I continued saying more, trying to get answers from an unresponsive person then holding on to them by playing the friend role. Never again would I do that. I doubt I am the rebound of his rebound...however, I am not going to allow myself to find that out. I have no intentions of rushing him...that is my predicament---I WANT to move on and not care about what he eventually decides to do. I want what I want but on the other hand I realize it truly does take time for him to accept certain things about himself and decide to change them....he tried to say he used his rebound to teach him about patience, compromise and how he has changed. WHATEVER! I think he wants to change but does not want to be alone, he does not want to put the work in so he hopped into some new relationship with someone who is smitten by him and worships him who he didn't like that much just so he could have his ego stroked....then now he wants to maybe think about his ways for a month then decide "Im fixed now!"....NO! He said he needs a break to get himself together but then I feel like he is not going to get himself together...cuz I saw on FB his status saying "I need a distraction"...I dunno what exactly he meant but based on his history that seems to be story of his life...he will know what he wants, he has high standards theoretically...but doesn't want to do the work required to have what he really wants (me included) so he'd rather find distractions (like his rebound) to avoid it......he pisses me offf! I am not compromising, I am not interested in half-assed attempts...I am tired of him. I just want to not care. My rational mind is incharge of me and my rational mind has said nope, he is not worth my time right now. But my heart still misses him, thinks of the possibilities, etc. Thanks for the advice...everything u've said are things I have already decided about within myself. I am already looking for someone lacking all the things he does. At this point giving him up for good is actually A LOT easier than putting myself in a position for him to hurt me again. He cannot even be true to himself and work for what he wants so how can I expect him to be true to me?
TapiocaDexterin Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Im glad to hear you're not jumping with joy, ur a smart girl. I think you should sit back, chill and let him be the one to show you what he can offer you. Then decide if you want it or not. But for now, sit tight, smile sweetly and wait!
Author Beeotch Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 Im glad to hear you're not jumping with joy, ur a smart girl. I think you should sit back, chill and let him be the one to show you what he can offer you. Then decide if you want it or not. But for now, sit tight, smile sweetly and wait! Yeppp That's my plan. I don't want to wait though...because I feel like if I put any hope at all into him, by "waiting" then I see months pass and he is up to his usual antics, I will be soooo upset. I don't want to invest anything into him. I just want to pretend he never came back and said he missed me and continue doing me. It is hard though, but that is my plan. Sometimes I do feel like I should reach out to him and prod him to look into himself...but for the most part I stop myself and note that I CANNOT do that. He already admitted he was wrong for a lot, admitted he has "personality issues" and admits he has to work for me to trust him again...so he is WELL aware. He just needs to take action, and there is NOTHING I can do to make him do that, nor do I want to if I could. I want someone who wants me enough to put the work in as well as someone who wants to be better for himself first....
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