ChristianfromLI Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 I think the first time around it got removed by an admin due to a plea for assistance in the body of the OP. So here it is again without the plea. I just want to know what people think about this mess I'm now in. Four months ago I got married to a wonderful woman. The wedding was perfect and the day after we embarked on our honeymoon. A week later we came back to start our life together. We were so in love and the relationship had been 2 years of loving bliss. Four months later I'm sitting on my couch. She left me three weeks ago and ever since I've been an emotional wreck. She says she doesn't love me anymore and she puts all the blame for the destruction of the marriage on me. I miss her so much but she refuses to try and work it out. She doesn't have a shred of emotion or love left for me. At the start I was heavily addicted to World of Warcraft. I would play it day and night. I stayed up late every night playing. My wife had lived with me for a few months before the wedding but she never once complained about this. About a month into our marriage she came to me with concerns. She wasn't sure what direction the marriage was headed due to my habits, not just WoW but also my heavy smoking and my poor diet. At first I was a little annoyed, I didn't want to make such drastic changes to the habits I had grown so comfortable with. Nevertheless, I obliged her requests. The next day I filled a prescription for Chantix to quit smoking, a week later I joined a gym and I began to cut down on the WoW. I stopped playing in the evenings to spend time with her and only played after she went to bed. I thought I had fixed the issues. Apparently not. She began to complain about how I never went to bed as the same time as her. I realize now I should have absolutely done this but my response to her was "I'm not tired, I've always stayed up late." "Well, sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night," she said. "If I'm going to bed alone, what's the point of me being here? I might as well be home in my own bed." I didn't think it was so serious, but I was wrong. A few days after that initial discussion about my habits we took a drive out east from our apartment. My whole plan was to drive and see the sights with no destination. I thought it would be a great way to spend a nice afternoon, but on the drive back she became angry because I didn't have a better plan. "If we hadn't hit the ferry port you would have just kept on driving," she said angrily. It was that day that I began to feel something was wrong. As the weeks went on I quit WoW on my own. I played other games at times to keep myself busy in the evenings but I began to notice that every time I tried to get close to her, she showed no interest in me. She didn't want to talk, or cuddle and she definitely stopped showing any interest in sex. I was confused and a bit hurt, I didn't know what was wrong. I began to take notice of her habits, and then suspicion began to set in. She would go to the gym 3-4 times a week after work and spend lots of time with her parents and her sister. Most nights she wouldn't get home until 7 or 8 and her job closed every day at 5. She would spend the rest of the evening either chatting on Facebook or texting on her cellphone. According to her, it was always with her sister. One or two times while she was chatting I tried to cuddle up and she freaked out, accusing me of trying to sneak peaks at her computer screen. This confused me, why would she be so concerned? Was there something she was hiding? We began to grow even more distant. We'd go out with friends to dinner and she wouldn't be social at all. She would text the entire evening, never looking up, never engaging anyone in conversation. Just texting constantly, grinning slyly. I began to wonder the worst: "Was she having an affair?" Some time after that she went to a Yankees game on a Saturday. However, she stayed over her mother's the night before, went to the game the next day but didn't even return home until Sunday. "I went to see friends in Brooklyn," she said. She also freely disclosed that the person she went to the Yankee game with was a divorced male friend with 3 kids. Why would she even go to a baseball game and not take me along? "You don't like baseball, that's why," she said. We began to talk about counseling, but we never got that far. A month ago we went to a movie and while there, I got into an argument with someone on line at the concession stand. That person had been fighting with the clerk behind the counter and I stepped in to defend the clerk, thereby making a scene. Apparently she'd been so embarrassed by my getting needlessly involved that she said if we'd taken her car she would have left me at the theater that moment and gone home. She chastised me about my attitude, said I had no respect for anyone and that she didn't want to have children with someone like that for fear I would teach our children to be like that. This really hurt, she had wanted children with me so very much for so very long and I was just finally starting to warm up to the idea. The day after that, I lost my job of 10 years. I lost it because of the same attitude I exhibited at the theater, too. I got home, I complained about what happened, but she didn't try to comfort me at all. At 5 she said, "I have dinner with my parents, see you later." She didn't even think to invite me. So she leaves and a little while later I text her, asking to go. "I'm sorry, you can't go, we have relatives coming," was her reply. WHAT? I freaked out. Wasn't I relative? I asked what that meant and she said that was her mother's response. Still, I didn't understand what that was about. I was her husband, why wasn't I required to go? At that point, I made a terrible mistake. I accused her of lying and demanded to know where she really was going. The reason for me not being allowed to go was so ridiculous the only other possibility in my mind was that she wasn't with her parents but with another man. Later on I saw that Facebook comments on her wall from hours before I even got fired supported the dinner with parents plan. The rest of the week we mostly argued and I got her to admit the following: "I just don't love you as much as I used to, I've been feeling it go away for a while now." I was confused as Hell. After quitting smoking, going to the gym and cutting down on video games I thought I was doing what she wanted, but she only turned her concerns to my attitude which was something that's not as easily changed as physical habits. Every argument didn't start out hostile either. All I tried to do was talk to her, to reason with her, but it would eventually devolve into arguing. That Friday, after another fight, she picked up and went to stay at her mother's for the night. The following day we had a public Facebook argument on my wall and she said she was coming over, according to her, "to get some of my things." I interpreted her words as she was coming to take everything. But then I made a huge, fatal mistake. As she was on the way over, I told my parents who live upstairs (our apartment is in the basement) to not say anything or start trouble. My mother proceeds to tell me to make sure I get back the engagement ring because it was a family heirloom. Which it was. It belonged to my grandmother and I had it fitted with a new stone to propose to my wife. Without even thinking, as my wife was packing, I asked for it, and she flipped out. According to her, asking for the engagement ring back was me severing the ties and kicking her out! I understand the symbolism now but as the words came out of my mouth I didn't see it. I tried to explain this to her but she would hear nothing of it and wouldn't take it back. Instead of just taking some of her stuff, she packed up every last thing she had in the apartment and left, but not before I could sneak the ring into one of her bags without her knowing. The next week was Hell. I tried to talk to her but she wouldn't listen. Finally I got her to agree to a meeting. Upon meeting she declared our marriage over and there was nothing that could be done to revive it. "I can't go back to someone who treated me that way," she said. I asked how I treated her. Apparently all the while she felt ignored and second rate because of the video games, even after I quit WoW and played playstation to pass time. She said our sex life was too predictable and that I just cared more about the video games than her. I swore it wasn't true and tried to explain that she'd been pushing me away for weeks so I started to try less hard because I knew she wasn't interested, but that didn't matter. "I never felt once like you even loved me," she said. This broke my heart. It really did, because I do love her. I wanted to do everything for her, give her a happy life but the marriage was so young. There were things I still needed to learn about relationships. I was so certain I showed her love. I had changed so much about myself to suit her and was prepared to change more to keep her happy, but she just wasn't happy. So, fast forward three weeks. I've tried to talk to her and profess my love for her, but nothing moves her. She doesn't miss me at all. She hangs out with her parents, her sister, watches football and goes to work. She doesn't miss me, she no longer loves me and she refuses to even think about trying again, all because of the ring incident. I tried to explain I didn't mean it the way she interpreted it but she doesn't care. She has her mind made up and no amount of pain she knows I'm going through can warm her heart. She plans to file for divorce and move on with her life without me, in spite of the love we shared for years, in spite of all the wonderful memories we shared. In the space of six to eight weeks she stopped loving me and wants nothing to do with me. Is that even possible? I thought love was stronger than that. I thought that when two people loved each other they could overcome all adversity. I tried so hard to fix the marriage the last three weeks, but she doesn't want to try. She gave up on me in just three months and I am completely, utterly devastated. I feel like my life is truly over. I spend every minute of every day thinking about this, wondering what I could have done differently, trying to think of something to say to her that can convince her I always did love her and never meant to hurt her. I just cannot see my life going on without her in it. I don't know what to do anymore. Her friends and family all now refuse to talk to me and I have no one on her side to turn to who might try and talk her into trying again. I can't force her to love me but she just doesn't want to try and I don't understand why. This was not how I learned love to be.
Author ChristianfromLI Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 No one's got anything to say about this??? Please folks, I really need some incite.
User320 Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 my situation was similar, i was in my relationship for only a year though, so i can only relate so much, But what really stood out to me was the whole constantly texting and chatting, and then getting defensive when asked, or caught looking, or even seeming to be interested. i dont want to get you down with what happened when i decided to just take matters into my own hands. And then the staying with her sister/ parents ect. these things happened to me also, well i found out she was cheating... it sucked, it still sucks...and always will, i helped her raise her child ( not mine) paid her bills got her motivated to get her GED, amongst other things. i felt so used, and she had the gull to tell me i didnt love her?... Im sorry i have no advice, But im only trying to let you know you are not alone...be strong P.S. i played WoW too lol 3 yrs ktnxbai
Author ChristianfromLI Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 I wish there was something I could do. I've finally begun to stick with the No Contact rule and give the outward appearance of moving on. I purchased a very successful ebook for winning back lost loves and No Contact is the first step. One of the other instructions is to send out a carefully worded handwritten letter that, if done right, would cause her to start missing me and eventually bring her to contact me. She only got that letter yesterday so I have no idea if she'll even reach out, it's not a guarantee she would. If anything, the letter only softens her up for the next time I try to contact her, which if I can stay strong won't be until mid-December. I need this woman back in my life, there's no other option. We WERE happy together for a very long time but, as you can see in my post, I did stupid and childish things and just wasn't as ready for marriage as she thought I was. I was immature and irresponsible but rather than give me the chance to change that once I had realized it she just bailed. I am as devastated right now as I was a month ago. I've lost close to 30 pounds because I don't eat or sleep, I just sit in my apartment wondering WTF went wrong, all day every day. I am truly worried it is going to drive me to the point of insanity and I might end up hurting myself or worse.
hoping2heal Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 I wish there was something I could do. I've finally begun to stick with the No Contact rule and give the outward appearance of moving on. I purchased a very successful ebook for winning back lost loves and No Contact is the first step. One of the other instructions is to send out a carefully worded handwritten letter that, if done right, would cause her to start missing me and eventually bring her to contact me. She only got that letter yesterday so I have no idea if she'll even reach out, it's not a guarantee she would. If anything, the letter only softens her up for the next time I try to contact her, which if I can stay strong won't be until mid-December. I need this woman back in my life, there's no other option. We WERE happy together for a very long time but, as you can see in my post, I did stupid and childish things and just wasn't as ready for marriage as she thought I was. I was immature and irresponsible but rather than give me the chance to change that once I had realized it she just bailed. I am as devastated right now as I was a month ago. I've lost close to 30 pounds because I don't eat or sleep, I just sit in my apartment wondering WTF went wrong, all day every day. I am truly worried it is going to drive me to the point of insanity and I might end up hurting myself or worse. Why on earth are you sitting around wondering what went wrong? How do you not already know? It sounds to me like that is your biggest problem. You are for whichever reason unaware of what is going on in your relationship. It sounds like she felt neglected and met someone who didn't make her feel that way, a lot of things she threw at you honestly sound like excuses she's been waiting for, so she could use them as a reason to end the marriage, rather than to just say she checked out of the relationship emotionally. I'm not saying it was right of her to do, but this is usually what happens. A person starts to feel they aren't valued in their relationship and someone comes along that values them even in the most innocent way and they start to realise that is what THEY want. They start to think hmm..what am I doing with this person..when I could have THIS one who makes me feel so needed and good about myself. Again, I think people should persue other avenues of trying BEFORE they just leave, but sometimes even that does no good. If you want her to notice you again, than you better get sexy. I know this will come off as insulting but..a chubby, chain smoker who plays world of warcraft 24/7 sound hot and desirable to you? Yes, yes I know you quit smoking, you lost weight and you stopped playing W.o.W but now you're moping around, clueless and that isn't any sexier. You've gotta get sexy if you want her to notice you again, and once she is noticing, then you have to treat her like she's precious to you because wether you like it or not, someone else will if you don't.
Author ChristianfromLI Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 Every time someone even mentions that she met someone else, I feel sick and angry. And then I want to find whoever he is and introduce his face to a baseball bat. But that would require I stalk her until I see her with him and that in and of itself is unhealthy. The problem with fixing myself up is she just refuses to see me. I've lost weight, I'm getting in shape, gotten my teeth whitened but none of it matters if she doesn't physically see me. I have apologized profusely over the last month. I have told her how much I love her and how I would do anything for her and that I never meant to hurt her by what happened. And when I explain to her logically, "you left me because of 2 months of minor problems," she has nothing to say except, "it's too late, it's over." She's so blatantly matter of fact about it. She won't even CONSIDER the possibility of trying again. It's just not an option for her and quite frankly, I don't think it ever will be. Two years of dating, a wedding and a honeymoon mean nothing to her. I am seriously starting to think I need to have her tailed. Either by a PI or myself. If there IS another man, I need to know so I can teach him a lesson about trying to f**k another man's wife. Of course, SHE needs a lesson in staying devoted to her husband, but I'll leave that to the despair she feels as I mercilessly disfigure whoever this man is. If he exists, of course.
hoping2heal Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 Every time someone even mentions that she met someone else, I feel sick and angry. And then I want to find whoever he is and introduce his face to a baseball bat. But that would require I stalk her until I see her with him and that in and of itself is unhealthy. The problem with fixing myself up is she just refuses to see me. I've lost weight, I'm getting in shape, gotten my teeth whitened but none of it matters if she doesn't physically see me. I have apologized profusely over the last month. I have told her how much I love her and how I would do anything for her and that I never meant to hurt her by what happened. And when I explain to her logically, "you left me because of 2 months of minor problems," she has nothing to say except, "it's too late, it's over." She's so blatantly matter of fact about it. She won't even CONSIDER the possibility of trying again. It's just not an option for her and quite frankly, I don't think it ever will be. Two years of dating, a wedding and a honeymoon mean nothing to her. I am seriously starting to think I need to have her tailed. Either by a PI or myself. If there IS another man, I need to know so I can teach him a lesson about trying to f**k another man's wife. Of course, SHE needs a lesson in staying devoted to her husband, but I'll leave that to the despair she feels as I mercilessly disfigure whoever this man is. If he exists, of course. Kitty say whaaaaaaaaaaaaa? Okay, so according to you; she left you over 2 months of minor problems, and she needs to learn a lesson in being devoted, and the other man, needs to learn a lesson in trying to f*ck another man's wife. Mmm hmm. So once again, you are culpable for none of what happened, because what you did was only "minor", a flick off the shoulder if you will. Yes, I can see exactly why she isn't responding to you; you hurt her deeply, drove her away, and now you acknowledge those things as "minor" ? Once again, you have VERY little awareness of what is going on in your own relationship, about the consequences your actions have caused. Again, I don't personally agree with just up and checking yourself out of the relationship without first trying to salvage it, so it isn't that I'm in whole hearted agreement with her checking out and leaving, but I can understand for certain why she isn't coming back, either. One of the most important things we need from our partners is understanding and validation. When our partner causes us pain and doesn't even SEE it? That's a problem, that manifests itself into "ugh! he/she just doesn't get it! He/she obviously doesn't care enough about me!" Your wife told you she cried herself to sleep many nights over you neglecting her, and you call that minor? Here's a clue buddy, Again; I'm not saying I agree with her methods; BUT your so called "minor" actions drove her out of this marriage.
hopesndreams Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 Kitty say whaaaaaaaaaaaaa? Okay, so according to you; she left you over 2 months of minor problems, and she needs to learn a lesson in being devoted, and the other man, needs to learn a lesson in trying to f*ck another man's wife. Mmm hmm. So once again, you are culpable for none of what happened, because what you did was only "minor", a flick off the shoulder if you will. Yes, I can see exactly why she isn't responding to you; you hurt her deeply, drove her away, and now you acknowledge those things as "minor" ? Once again, you have VERY little awareness of what is going on in your own relationship, about the consequences your actions have caused. Again, I don't personally agree with just up and checking yourself out of the relationship without first trying to salvage it, so it isn't that I'm in whole hearted agreement with her checking out and leaving, but I can understand for certain why she isn't coming back, either. One of the most important things we need from our partners is understanding and validation. When our partner causes us pain and doesn't even SEE it? That's a problem, that manifests itself into "ugh! he/she just doesn't get it! He/she obviously doesn't care enough about me!" Your wife told you she cried herself to sleep many nights over you neglecting her, and you call that minor? Here's a clue buddy, Again; I'm not saying I agree with her methods; BUT your so called "minor" actions drove her out of this marriage. His W was already seeing another before she started in on him for doing this and that wrong. There is no excuse for adultery. None. OP, you want to fix something that is broken and beyond repair. She has cheated on you. Do not take the blame for her actions. She chose not to work on the M with you because she had set her sights on another and couldn't be bothered working through her problems that she had with you. You wanted to make things work and to right the wrongs but she was already checked out and screwing around with another. Keep working on yourself and don't let yourself down. Be thankful you didn't have kids with her. She took the cowards way out.
Recommended Posts