Worried

[Thebob]

Do you all ever have a feeling that your scared of getting really hurt again like in your previous relationship? So if you ever get involved with another girl your hesitant to show any emotion whatsoever so you never feel this bad again?

 

Like that is honestly how I feel right now, and I really never want to have this stretch of crappy days again. Then you get those feelings hoping that they come back, but you don't think it would ever work if they did come back. Also since NC was the only option at the time you never got to discuss the problems with them, so all those issues are still lingering...... So if you ever see them again, you'll have all those questions arised and what not..... I might be rambling but I'm sure most people feel this way and it sucks. I have all these questions to be answered and I wish I could sit her in a room privately for 2 hours and talk to her about stuff but I know I won't ever get that opportunity. I thought I was doing better with everything, but these past few days have been pretty ****ty after 60-80 days of NC, don't really know the number....

Oh well

 

Thebob

[HeavenOrHell]

Yes, totally, he left me twice years ago and he said he regretted it ever since, he often said why did he ever leave and he couldn't live without me and he'd never leave again and it made him cringe to think of it. Yeah right. I didn't get him to say this, he would just say it sometimes. So how do I trust anything anyone says, I thought we were so solid, I never imagined or even worried he would leave me a 3rd time. 18 years gone.

So, if I was lucky enough to find someone I wanted to be with eventually (unlikely) then I would not give my all to them, no way, I never want to feel like this again, I'd rather stay single to be honest. 4 months of hell so far and plenty more to come, the thing I most look forward to with glee is him meeting someone else.

For the first month if he had said could we try again I would have said YES, YES!! But now I would be hesitant, cos I'm the one who's been hurt now, I don't feel good enough anymore (crap I know but it's how I feel). I don't blame him for leaving but I do sort of feel betrayed cos I thought we were so solid and special. I don't believe in love or any of that c*** anymore.

I haven't had NC, we've met regularly, and he's said if I want to talk about it or to ask him anything then please do, so I have. Although I think there are somethings he doesn't have answers to and maybe doesn't know the answers himself.

 

 

 

Do you all ever have a feeling that your scared of getting really hurt again like in your previous relationship? So if you ever get involved with another girl your hesitant to show any emotion whatsoever so you never feel this bad again?

 

Like that is honestly how I feel right now, and I really never want to have this stretch of crappy days again. Then you get those feelings hoping that they come back, but you don't think it would ever work if they did come back. Also since NC was the only option at the time you never got to discuss the problems with them, so all those issues are still lingering...... So if you ever see them again, you'll have all those questions arised and what not..... I might be rambling but I'm sure most people feel this way and it sucks. I have all these questions to be answered and I wish I could sit her in a room privately for 2 hours and talk to her about stuff but I know I won't ever get that opportunity. I thought I was doing better with everything, but these past few days have been pretty ****ty after 60-80 days of NC, don't really know the number....

Oh well

 

Thebob

[Ms. Joolie]

Do you all ever have a feeling that your scared of getting really hurt again like in your previous relationship?

 

Yes. Even in my previous relationship, THE reason I didn't open up was because I was scared of getting hurt again. My focus in life right now is on just that, because it is a pretty important thing to address.

 

We can't live like that, we can't live scared to open up and be ourselves. Because then we are only a shell of a person, and dishonest to who we really are. That kind of inauthentic person can expect to never have real relationships, or a full life.

 

 

So if you ever get involved with another girl your hesitant to show any emotion whatsoever so you never feel this bad again?

 

It's obvious when guys act all tough and stuff that they are on the defensive. It's obvious that we build up this emotional muscle for strength because we are afraid.

 

You and I have been hurt. No denying that. But let's not close ourselves off. That is not the best way we can manage this hurt. We need to find the strength to heal and to carry on. We need to grow from this challenge, and use that experience for our future, so that we don't get hurt like THAT again.

 

Hey, it's life. We get hurt. We have to build inner strength to get by, not tough outer shells.

 

 

Like that is honestly how I feel right now, and I really never want to have this stretch of crappy days again.

 

Please don't close yourself off. You KNOW there is more for you out there, just not if you close yourself off.

 

 

Then you get those feelings hoping that they come back, but you don't think it would ever work if they did come back.

 

I definitely am dealing with those feelings right now. I think I need to accept that it is over, and then just accept what comes. As when anything that comes my way, I need to react responsibly.

 

In my case, he may very well come back, and I find these feelings of hope and longing. Yet if he doesn't... I don't want to crash and burn again.

 

Lots of acceptance to work at, and letting go of my idea on how things should be as opposed to how things really are. If that makes sense.

 

 

Also since NC was the only option at the time you never got to discuss the problems with them, so all those issues are still lingering......

 

That is why I have a problem with NC. NC does not mean poor communication. It's a decisive step taken to cut all ties, but not to ignore the issues.

 

What I have become aware of recently is how we need to be complete with everyone we come across. As in, if we were to never see (name of person here) again, we would be okay with that, because there is nothing else to say. We've said everything we've needed to say to them.

 

I definitely was aware of this in ending my relationship with the ex. I tried to be as honest as I could... through email at least, we never break up in person. I think all has been said, everything short of the M word... ahh! But I would never say that was what I really wanted from him in the long run. It had to be his idea. And I knew it wasn't... it was a sort of unspoken doom that we had different long term relationship goals ,and I reacted from that fear.

 

 

I thought I was doing better with everything, but these past few days have been pretty ****ty after 60-80 days of NC, don't really know the number....

 

It's only been two weeks for me. But I'm my own cheerleader. I feel okay so far. I'm moving along. I must!

 

Don't let your emotions get you, or your thoughts... they can be grueling. Find the strength to overcome those dark moments. Constantly remind yourself of all the good things you've worked at and are working on. Constantly have your goals in mind to keep you focused and moving.

 

You want to heal. You want to have love again, right? You want to be the best man you can be. So look forward, not back.

[Dark_of_the_Moon]

Yes, that is the place I am in right now. I am scared and worried .... I feel so messed up. How am I supposed to believe any man again?

 

I truly believed in love then, I thought we had love and that he was honest, he played the game like he was and always said he was. His actions showed it, until he was ready to move on. So how do you believe again? I really wish that I had done something wrong so I could have something to work on to improve /me/. Or to say...oh that was the reason for this happening. But, humiliating reality is, I just got played.

 

Sadly, I had a guy recently make an attempt to get my attention. Poor guy has no way of knowing, but he said the exact same words my ex used once.....I just totally closed down. Not the other guys fault, but how the **** can you trust again? There are only so many words in the English language.

 

I don't even want my old love back, I know there would be no trust there. So its not like I have some misguided hope to cling to of his return.

In my mind, all men are liars now, I KNOW that is not fair, but....how do you tell the difference?

 

I think I am doomed now, cause I do NOT like being solo and single, to me the single life is not fun....but, I don't trust anyone anymore because I don't want to go through this hell again. What do you do?

 

I don't really feel much of anything right now, no crying, no anger ... is this just another stage to recovery? I truly don't know. At least I don't hurt so its an improvement I suppose.

 

Its terribly sad too, because I see so many nice people on these forums, who are also so hurt....can they ever be open again either? Some will move on and some may not.

[HeavenOrHell]

You write really helpful, insightful posts but maybe you are more positive than some of us cos you said you have real hope that you and your ex may reconcile? I would be so happy and positive if I had that hope in my life. Not sure what I'm trying to say, I'm probably just feeling envious, sorry, isn't that awful, forgive me.

 

 

 

Yes. Even in my previous relationship, THE reason I didn't open up was because I was scared of getting hurt again. My focus in life right now is on just that, because it is a pretty important thing to address.

 

We can't live like that, we can't live scared to open up and be ourselves. Because then we are only a shell of a person, and dishonest to who we really are. That kind of inauthentic person can expect to never have real relationships, or a full life.

 

 

 

 

It's obvious when guys act all tough and stuff that they are on the defensive. It's obvious that we build up this emotional muscle for strength because we are afraid.

 

You and I have been hurt. No denying that. But let's not close ourselves off. That is not the best way we can manage this hurt. We need to find the strength to heal and to carry on. We need to grow from this challenge, and use that experience for our future, so that we don't get hurt like THAT again.

 

Hey, it's life. We get hurt. We have to build inner strength to get by, not tough outer shells.

 

 

 

 

Please don't close yourself off. You KNOW there is more for you out there, just not if you close yourself off.

 

 

 

 

I definitely am dealing with those feelings right now. I think I need to accept that it is over, and then just accept what comes. As when anything that comes my way, I need to react responsibly.

 

In my case, he may very well come back, and I find these feelings of hope and longing. Yet if he doesn't... I don't want to crash and burn again.

 

Lots of acceptance to work at, and letting go of my idea on how things should be as opposed to how things really are. If that makes sense.

 

 

 

 

That is why I have a problem with NC. NC does not mean poor communication. It's a decisive step taken to cut all ties, but not to ignore the issues.

 

What I have become aware of recently is how we need to be complete with everyone we come across. As in, if we were to never see (name of person here) again, we would be okay with that, because there is nothing else to say. We've said everything we've needed to say to them.

 

I definitely was aware of this in ending my relationship with the ex. I tried to be as honest as I could... through email at least, we never break up in person. I think all has been said, everything short of the M word... ahh! But I would never say that was what I really wanted from him in the long run. It had to be his idea. And I knew it wasn't... it was a sort of unspoken doom that we had different long term relationship goals ,and I reacted from that fear.

 

 

 

 

It's only been two weeks for me. But I'm my own cheerleader. I feel okay so far. I'm moving along. I must!

 

Don't let your emotions get you, or your thoughts... they can be grueling. Find the strength to overcome those dark moments. Constantly remind yourself of all the good things you've worked at and are working on. Constantly have your goals in mind to keep you focused and moving.

 

You want to heal. You want to have love again, right? You want to be the best man you can be. So look forward, not back.

[Dark_of_the_Moon]

You are a smart cookie Ms Joolie. TheBob, listen to her!

[Ms. Joolie]

Its terribly sad too, because I see so many nice people on these forums, who are also so hurt....can they ever be open again either? Some will move on and some may not.

 

One of the biggest motivations for me is seeing us all here.... we are a sad lot, aren't we? We can't stay mopey! We can't allow ourselves to hold onto this pain!

 

We all must move on, we must.

[GrayClouds]

I have all these questions to be answered and I wish I could sit her in a room privately for 2 hours and talk to her about stuff but I know I won't ever get that opportunity.

 

Thebob

 

Sad fact is that answers to question just lead to more questions and it all becomes a Escher drawing leading you nowhere.

[Ms. Joolie]

You write really helpful, insightful posts but maybe you are more positive than some of us cos you said you have real hope that you and your ex may reconcile? I would be so happy and positive if I had that hope in my life. Not sure what I'm trying to say, I'm probably just feeling envious, sorry, isn't that awful, forgive me.

 

You know, it's just these things I learn, I want to share. If they help, great.

If not, well then! haha

[Thebob]

Thanks Joolie and everyone with there very thorough responses. It helps knowin that I'm not the only one goin through this crap, but I'm in a situation where I don't think I can find another girl like my previous one in the near future. Maybe I just don't want to due to my previous experience, or maybe I'm to scared to try. I know I can if I actually put effort in to it due to the fact im not a bad lookin person and have a good personality, but this previous experience I feel has closed me down emotionally. I definitely want to love and not be single, and my fear is being like 30-40 single. Only the future knows what's goin to happen, and hopefully it looks prosperous for me.

 

Thebob

[Ms. Joolie]

You write really helpful, insightful posts but maybe you are more positive than some of us cos you said you have real hope that you and your ex may reconcile? I would be so happy and positive if I had that hope in my life. Not sure what I'm trying to say, I'm probably just feeling envious, sorry, isn't that awful, forgive me.

 

I forgot to add... it's not a real hope. It's only a hope. I mean, our relationship has never worked out, and toward the end he was tired of it. What happened was he began to take an interest in someone else. At least, that is how I saw it. He asked for my reassurance at that point, but I didn't give it to him. I let him go.

 

He would not let me go is the strange thing. I had to argue for no contact. ONLY because he stated he would contact me again in December do I allow myself a very small hope. It's a small torture is what it is.

 

Because I am moving along.... yet he might contact me. Then what? But I'll deal with that if it comes. IF it comes, and it might not. Then a NEW coping process will begin, one without this small hope I allow.

 

So don't be envious. I have nothing right now, and I must cope the same.

[Dark_of_the_Moon]

Well Bob, you are not alone to be sure. I hate to not be able to post something positive all the time....but I have to hide my true feelings from everyone, so I dont want to here. Have to be honest somewhere.

 

I TRULY hope you can put this behind you, there are not enough good guys in the world. I am told that when you go through something like this it makes you better.....I can only hope so.

[Thebob]

I hope so too, cause I know that I am a good guy at heart, and if I am loyal to someone, I will always be loyal to that person. But girls now days in my opinion like those bad boys and the nice guys finish last. I've seen it happen way to many times, but hopefully in the end, nice guys come out on top.

 

Thebob

[rickigal]

I was hurt really badly before this past relationship and I had a conversation with him about this and my trust issues. Ironically I said I didn't want to move forward with the relationship until he knew he was sure about us. He promised that I was forever and he had no doubts. He promised he wouldn't hurt me and he wasn't going anywhere. So I let my guard down and gave him everything-all of me. Then boom, I get hurt once again.

 

I don't think it is a good way to live though. Always keeping your feelings guarded and inside. It really is better to have love and lost than never loved at all. I won't take it out on the next guy, it won't be fair to him.

[Dark_of_the_Moon]

Just stay a nice guy! Not everyone wants a bad boy....I never did, nor do I now.

 

Loyalty, integrity, honor....I cant be the only woman who still likes these traits. I refuse to buy that.

[Thebob]

Just stay a nice guy! Not everyone wants a bad boy....I never did, nor do I now.

 

Loyalty, integrity, honor....I cant be the only woman who still likes these traits. I refuse to buy that.

 

Ya, it's just media now days puts all these images in our head and stuff about what a great girlfriend should look like that I want to find someone like that. We'll see, I will just try to live my life day by day and hopefully a will run in to that girl that I care about.

 

Thebob

[Dark_of_the_Moon]

And next time a guy makes a pass at me, I will try to not give him the evil eye. *chuckle*

[Ms. Joolie]

Just stay a nice guy!

 

Sheesh.... bottom line, right? Thebob! Stay a nice guy! lol.

[Ms. Joolie]

Well Bob, you are not alone to be sure. I hate to not be able to post something positive all the time....but I have to hide my true feelings from everyone, so I dont want to here. Have to be honest somewhere.

 

Absolutely, your true feelings should come out here. It IS the coping section, after all.... it's all about grieving and letting others grieve.

 

At the same time, we are here for understanding, hope and encouragement I think. It can't just end with the grieving. So it's a process. We grieve, should obtain a better understanding, and be encouraged to move forward...

 

...until our true feelings no longer cause us grief.

[HeavenOrHell]

I know what you mean, I'm 43 and single and I don't think it is easy for a shy, 43 year old woman to find someone else, I'm unconventional too and it wouldn't be easy to find someone else I click with so well. I feel in my heart/gut whatever that I will not click with anyone else so well.

There are no guarantees any of us will find someone again, some people never do, but I expect the majority do.

 

 

Thanks Joolie and everyone with there very thorough responses. It helps knowin that I'm not the only one goin through this crap, but I'm in a situation where I don't think I can find another girl like my previous one in the near future. Maybe I just don't want to due to my previous experience, or maybe I'm to scared to try. I know I can if I actually put effort in to it due to the fact im not a bad lookin person and have a good personality, but this previous experience I feel has closed me down emotionally. I definitely want to love and not be single, and my fear is being like 30-40 single. Only the future knows what's goin to happen, and hopefully it looks prosperous for me.

 

Thebob