kairi and sora Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Okay so for those of you who havent read my posts, my first girlfriend, of 10 months **weve known each other since first grade, been best friends for 4 years prior to going out**, cheated on me and left me for the other guy. now, 3 weeks later, she says she misses me, she misses what we had, wants me back, and wants another chance. i honestly dont trust her, ive heard from other people that shes cheated on me before, but she still continues to deny those statements...and shes still with this guy.... she says no one will ever treat her as good as i have, no one can replace me in her heart, and she will love me until the day she dies0. but i cant help thinking, "then why the F@&$ did u cheat on me, and why are you with another guy saying this to me now?" insight from anyone??? do cheaters ever change? or is it a case of once a cheater always a cheater....she wants to start over again as friends and work our way back into a commited relationship. but idk if i can do that or not. any help, feedback, helpful words, GREATLY appreciated everyone thanx ahead of time.
Shuffty Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 IMO it's not necessarily a case of 'once a cheater, always a cheater', as she may never do it again as long as she lives (her track record's not great though...), but the real problem would be trying to forgive and move on. I couldn't do it, some people might be able to, but not me. I was cheated on in a relationship a long time ago, I didn't find out until way after (plus I hated his guts for maaaany other reasons anyway), now he's been married for about three years and he will never change, I know for a fact that he's still at it behind his wife's back, he's all about keeping people hanging on to massage his ego. Just like the girl you're talking about - thinks the grass is always greener on the other side, and gets off on the drama of wanting what they can't have. I'd advise you to steer clear of this girl - she's bad news. Do you really think it will be the same as it was? Because I don't think it will be. Do you ever see yourself getting over it, for real? Everyone always goes on about trust, but it's true; trust is a hard thing to regain. Also, personally I'd want someone to know that they couldn't treat me like garbage and get away with it. Have some self respect, you don't need the drama- those kind of relationships never last anyhow.
CaliGuy Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 No, they do not. "Screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, shame on ME!" Why give a cheater a second chance when there is someone out there BETTER for you who hasn't had a first chance? This girl has already shown she can not be trusted and doesn't love you the same way you love her. Giving her a second chance shows you don't love and respect yourself.
rickigal Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 I agree. I don't believe a cheater is always a cheater. People do make mistakes and sometimes they learn from them. I am going through the same struggle. I heard from my ex-boyfriend whom I haven't talked to in 6 months. I caught him putting ads on Craig's list for dates. He is apologizing profusely and wants another chance. He said he'll do anything to make it up to me. I will see him I think and see how sincere he is by his actions.
threebyfate Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Does a cheater deserve a second chance? First of all, NO ONE deserves a first chance for anything. As for your situation, she's currently with another guy and is trying to get back with you. In essence she's cheating on the other guy now. Why in the world do you want this drama queen, who's too weak to stand alone? She's the worst kind of branch swinger.
Ronni_W Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 My own belief is that EVERYBODY is worthy of a 'second chance'; a chance to be forgiven so they can have a fresh start. But. That does not mean that we ought to just dish out our forgiveness willy-nilly. There is a process. For me, they need to be willing to admit, openly and truthfully, to having done us wrong; and to be able to demonstrate that they understand that they hurt us, and can actually feel the pain they caused. They need to be willing to apologize, repent, make amends. And to offer a good-faith promise that they do NOT intend to do it again. she says no one will ever treat her as good as i have, no one can replace me in her heart, and she will love me until the day she dies0. but i cant help thinking, "then why the F@&$ did u cheat on me, and why are you with another guy saying this to me now?" Yes, exactly! *IF* you're interested in thinking about getting back with her, she first needs to be able to answer that question for you -- and any others that you have -- to YOUR satisfaction. And, what exactly does she mean by "she will love [you] until the day she dies"? -- what does that look like, for her? Does she want you back just because of how you make her feel (for self-centred reasons), or more because of how she wants and intends to make you feel, from now on? You also need to ask yourself whether YOU believe that this is the only instance of her cheating, or if YOU deep-down believe that she is lying about that. If you can't trust her anymore, from within yourself, then it likely won't work on in the long run, will it? I'm sorry this happened to you. It sucks. Hugs.
Ody Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 (edited) insight from anyone??? do cheaters ever change? or is it a case of once a cheater always a cheater....she wants to start over again as friends and work our way back into a commited relationship. but idk if i can do that or not. any help, feedback, helpful words, GREATLY appreciated everyone thanx ahead of time. I think in a few cases - say it was a drunken hookup followed by immediate effort to change habits and be honest and sincere remorse. Or some other variant on "one time, clearly a mistake". People aren't perfect, and the good ones learn from their mistakes. But in most cases, especially when it's ongoing, or happens multiple times, or combined with lots of flirting around, lack of remorse, rumors of other problems, etc it's best to just move on. Not only are they likely to continue, but even if they never cheat again it's going to be really really hard to get over the fact they chose someone other guy over you for a long while - three weeks in your case. I think this issue is probably the hardest part to work through, as someone already pointed out. Your case sounds like one of these. Good luck. Edited November 17, 2009 by Ody
1Angel Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Ody is smart. Once, maybe forgive, depending on a few factors. A serial cheater NO. Your situation I would not get back into that relationship.
ADF Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 In theory, can a cheater change? I suppose. Does it happen very often? No, it doesn't. But I think you have to consider something else here. This woman dumped you for someone else and now wants to be "friends" with some vague promise of maybe, possibly starting a relationship some time in the future. Huh? If you accept those terms, you will be sending her a clear message she can get away with anything. No matter how badly she treats you, you are so needy and desperate and hung up on her, you'll give her another chance. Is that a message you really want to send?
jerseyboy Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Will she bathe first, or just come direcly back to you unshowered?
seibert253 Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 You say you honestly cannot trust her. Judging by what you wrote, I have to agree. She's still with the other guy, yet wants to come back to you? Did I read that right? WTF. As far as this chick is concerned, run Forest run. I've given everyone a second chance, including my W. So far, so good. When I do give second chances, I make it crystal clear there will never be a third.
almostpassedit Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 She doesn't respect you enough to not suck another person's cock. Why would you want her? Because you love her? Addicts love cocaine, it doesn't mean its good for them. She will do it again because she knows she can. She will keep doing it until you man UP and break up with her and never talk to her again in LIFE. The best thing you can do is turn the tables, go complete NC, sooner or later she will get desperate and try to contact you or just simply move on. Eitherway, she probably has cheated on you before and more than likely will do it again. As someone once told me, past behavior is the best indication of future behavior. Follow your instincts, you already know what you need to do.
bluestraps Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 I took back my girlfriend after cheating . If you can forgive then go for it . But something in your personality or something in the everday life with her made her cheat. None of us know you . You need to ask her why she cheated. And you better just change your behavior. Remember its better to be happy than right. Tell her if it happens again to forget it .
trueblue72ny Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Its up to you if you feel like they deserve a second chance, however I am of the opinion that you can never get that trust back. you will always be thinking, will they do it again? and I don’t think you can be truly happy with that in the back of your mind. You will never be free of it. She has done it before, she will do it again. next time will be even easier for her. you don’t really want to putyourself thru that do you? and my god!! She is telling you all this when she is with another guy?? how does that work? If she REALLY wanted to be with you she would not be with another guy telling you this. Holy. UnReal.
Recommended Posts