How can you ever trust again? possible?

[learnfrommymistakes]

Hi

I have been on both sides of the fence, cheated on, and been with a married man (not proud..just the facts). Since I had trust issues well before I was with a married man, I never got over trust issues and they are five times as bad now, after spending time in a relationship based on lies.

 

So for those of you who have been cheated on, by spouse or SO, how do you learn to trust again moving forward? Lets assume you leave the relationship in where he/she cheated on you. How do you shed the layers of hurt and pain in order to move forward in a healthy manner with someone new?

 

I am curious about how people cope, do you just work on yourself and your views and learn and grow and realize it was THAT person's issue, or even own up to your own issues that may have resulted in / led to the affair (not saying that it is ever ok to cheat)....Do some of you just work through it and try hard not to take it with you, the fear, etc....?

 

I am the type of person to work on myself and my issues head on, and learn from my mistakes..(as my sign on name says) etc...and try to work through and not linger in horrible thoughts...but I am just curious what others think and do, as you move forward to new relationships.

 

How has the cheating made you change how you approach new relationships? Many people here have been badly hurt by years of lies, betrayel and my heart goes out to every single person....how have you managed to deal with this, and where has it led you???

 

Here is to better days, better sunsets, better laughs and a better life to all!!!!!!

(((HUGS)))

lfmm

[scatterd]

I am on my third marrage I got married the first time a month before I turned 16 he was 21 He beat and cheated on me I devoriced.Four years later I married the same thing happened I knew something was wrong with me to find the same kind twice.I worked on my self my family helped they believed I was in love with being in love and i liked the troubled guys.I had to learn to love and respect my self I hated men for awhile but ended up having a bunch of male friends later.I found out so many was different then what I had been with I only had ***holes I just needed a decent ***hole that had the same morals and loved their selfs I have been married 16 yrs and learned I like who I am.So in order to trust and feel good look around their is good people, love yourself and trust a decent ***hole.

[Spark1111]

I learned to love and trust myself enough to realize what I would and would not accept in a relationship from this point forward.

 

I learned to identify my needs, whether it be more time together, more sex, more attention, more fun and to communicate them in a kind way to my spouse.

 

If I feel insecure or untrusting, for whatever reason, I communicate that to him also and expect him to show compassion for the pain he caused us.

 

Our lives are open books to each other now! There is no where we go, live work, that does not have an open door policy for each other to call and visit at anytime we need to.

 

We do not have friends that are not friends of each other. Even work colleagues are discussed in great detail, and when the opportunity arises, introduced to each other.

 

We have the right to check each other's phones, texts, email accounts, if we feel the need to do so.

 

He is now experiencing projection. Realizing how easy it is to lie to someone you love, two years since DDay, he has become paranoid and jealous of me and my whereabouts.

 

We go out of our way to reassure each other that we are committed to us.

 

It has been a long, painful journey, but we are getting there. If, in the future, we cannot make us work, then I will have the skills I need to trust myself, my instincts, and my gut, if I enter into another relationship with someone else.

 

Hope this helps.

[mark982]

my first wife cheated twice. it was a extremely long,hard road for me to trust again. at first i went through the period where i trusted no woman(i was wrong) just didn't want to put myself in a position wher i'd be hurt again,i alienated myself form alot of great women,by my f'ed up personality. it wasn't till one older lady sat me down,and got me to see that not all women are cheating ho's, that i became a better person.

[foreal]

Hi

I have been on both sides of the fence, cheated on, and been with a married man (not proud..just the facts). Since I had trust issues well before I was with a married man, I never got over trust issues and they are five times as bad now, after spending time in a relationship based on lies.

 

So for those of you who have been cheated on, by spouse or SO, how do you learn to trust again moving forward? Lets assume you leave the relationship in where he/she cheated on you. How do you shed the layers of hurt and pain in order to move forward in a healthy manner with someone new?

 

I am curious about how people cope, do you just work on yourself and your views and learn and grow and realize it was THAT person's issue, or even own up to your own issues that may have resulted in / led to the affair (not saying that it is ever ok to cheat)....Do some of you just work through it and try hard not to take it with you, the fear, etc....?

 

I am the type of person to work on myself and my issues head on, and learn from my mistakes..(as my sign on name says) etc...and try to work through and not linger in horrible thoughts...but I am just curious what others think and do, as you move forward to new relationships.

 

How has the cheating made you change how you approach new relationships? Many people here have been badly hurt by years of lies, betrayel and my heart goes out to every single person....how have you managed to deal with this, and where has it led you???

 

Here is to better days, better sunsets, better laughs and a better life to all!!!!!!

(((HUGS)))

lfmm

 

LFMM:

 

I am impressed with your introspection. You seem genuine.

I knew my H's MOW. So as far as trust, I am having to deal with it with myself, my H, OW, friends, the world in general. It blew me away that a woman I knew, was friends with, would be the one who my H chose to betray me with. It hurts. A lot.

 

But here I am now trying to get trust back- first for myself, about myself. There's a thread on here now asking about the BS and if they knew, how could they not know etc. I knew something was wrong, but never ever seriously considered it was an A. When I considered it, I brought it up and he denied, convincingly- I felt horrible for even thinking it!

 

I chose to trust my H over myself. BIG MISTAKE. And one I will not repeat.

 

How many times have you (not YOU you, but the royal YOU) did you KNOW something, but ignored it, overlooked it, made excuses for it etc, only to have it come back and bite? More than a few times for me...but it was never an issue like this one, not infidelity...that takes more than a bite..it swallows you whole.

 

I am in IC. She says I am a fast learner. I have a better handle now on my own self trust- it was shattered there for awhile, but I do feel it is back----

 

now I am just angry at myself for allowing myself to be duped. Forgiveness to the WS is talked about a lot...but I feel I have to first forgive myself -for betraying ME- I KNEW something was amiss- I should have trustd my gut, not my H....even though going into M you figure hey, if you can't trust your H then who can you trust?!!

 

So I think where trust is concered, begin with self.

 

I don't trust anyone else yet. I hope to get there some day.

 

And for what it's worth, I wish the MOW in my life was you----b/c then at least i'd know she was at least looking w/i to try and make herself happy, to help make her life happy. Since I know the MOW, I know she has not done this, even scoffed at the idea of it. I cannot be sure, but I believe her to still be miserable...and even now more miserable than before b/c my H rejected her and she is living a lie with her own H. If she had more courage, she would seek happiness from within.

 

Keep going LFMM- what we've done in the past may be a part of us, but we all have the opportunity to make ourselves stronger, better, happier today and into the future-

[Snowflower]

LFMM:

 

 

How many times have you (not YOU you, but the royal YOU) did you KNOW something, but ignored it, overlooked it, made excuses for it etc, only to have it come back and bite? More than a few times for me...but it was never an issue like this one, not infidelity...that takes more than a bite..it swallows you whole.

 

 

 

now I am just angry at myself for allowing myself to be duped. Forgiveness to the WS is talked about a lot...but I feel I have to first forgive myself -for betraying ME- I KNEW something was amiss- I should have trustd my gut, not my H....even though going into M you figure hey, if you can't trust your H then who can you trust?!!

 

-

 

Nice post foreal.

 

I don't have a lot of time to respond right now but I just wanted to tell you that you shouldn't beat yourself up or be angry at yourself because you allowed yourself to be duped.

 

Remember, what you were going through at that point in time was 'uncharted territory' for you. Likely, you had never had cause to doubt your H before and the weird feelings that you were experiencing about things, that sense that things were not quite right, consider it a learning lesson. And a good one...you will now have more faith in yourself and your own instincts about things. Our instincts serve us well if we let them.

 

My intuition has always served me well.

 

My instincts were screaming at me last year when my husband 'went off the deep end' as I call it. I didn't suspect an affair-still too trusting of him-but I knew something was off with him.

 

My H and I are reconciling successfully, in part because of his actions and his extreme efforts to regain my trust. And I do trust him, but more importantly, I trust myself more and I think it will always be like this for me from here on out. My husband could remain the model husband for the rest of our lives together (and this is my dearest hope) and my trust for him be reinstated...but my trust in myself will always be what I go by.

 

If I ever feel that nasty little niggling sense that something is off, I will never again ignore it.

 

Thanks for your post, forreal. It will give me something to think about...but don't beat yourself up...the learning curve in infidelity is very steep!

[Snowflower]

My apologies to LFMM. I misread your OP. You were asking about new relationships, assuming that the BS had left their unfaithful partner Not ones who had stayed in the relationship.

 

Sorry about the t/j.

[PhoenixRise]

I agree with Foreal 100%

 

I think before you believe a lie from anyone else you lie to yourself first. If you are a BS (I am) you start to trust your spouse more than you trust yourself. You have the feeling that things are not right you ask questions, you get lied to, you believe the lie, but the feeling that something is not right does not go away. So You choose to believe the words (lie) more than you believe yourself

 

So for me....I learned to trust myself again. In fact, I believe that if I trust myself, I don't really have to trust anyone else. I believe that my husband's remorse is real and that he is now faithful. I will believe it as long as I feel that it is true. If I ever feel that this is no longer true, there won't be anything that he could say to me that would convince me otherwise.

 

I learned to trust that I feel the way I feel for a reason. AND that my feelings are actionable....meaning I don't need to agonize over proof or dig out the Rosetta Stone to decipher hidden codes and signals. The fact that you are doing SOMETHING that feels like bullshi* to me is enough.

 

It would be the same with any new man if I had continued down the road of divorce and entered into a new relationship.

[foreal]

 

Remember, what you were going through at that point in time was 'uncharted territory' for you..you will now have more faith in yourself and your own instincts about things. Our instincts serve us well if we let them.

 

...but my trust in myself will always be what I go by.

 

If I ever feel that nasty little niggling sense that something is off, I will never again ignore it.

...the learning curve in infidelity is very steep!

 

((Snowflower)) thank you.

 

LFMM: TRUST YOUR GUT. TRUST YOURSELF.

[learnfrommymistakes]

LFMM:

 

I am impressed with your introspection. You seem genuine.

I knew my H's MOW. So as far as trust, I am having to deal with it with myself, my H, OW, friends, the world in general. It blew me away that a woman I knew, was friends with, would be the one who my H chose to betray me with. It hurts. A lot.

 

(((HUGS))) Thanks so much for your post, it was so honest (for real..lol) and it seems like you really have a handle on YOU and what you need and want for YOU. I have read several of your posts and have admired your courage and insight, and it is nice to hear encouraging words back. I realize trust is sticky wicket..lol (wow that makes it sounds like something sexual...lol)...and I knew I had trust issues before I got into some relationships. I am not sure if and when I would forgive myself for my affair/actions but I know what I dont want, and what I am capable of receiving and giving. I got stuck in a bad situation (that once I knew the real deal, should have left permanently) ..but my trust issues have just escalated...I mean how is it useful for me to try and spend my time looking on the internet to see if my XMM is a whore, lol..had other lovers, is some freak..lol..etc.

 

I have done such damage to myself that it is just counter productive. Trust has to be earned they say, but I just know I cant trust my exMM, and he has given me no reason to. Unfortunately I have let my insecurities and fears put a damper in good, healthy relationships...holding on to the past.

 

Anyway, I thinnk you are doing an amazing job at helping yourself and facing your relationship issues head on, I think that is wonderful. I hope and pray you and your husband will be happy and work through everything. Hopefully he sees the errors of his ways. Its amazing how much deep, core pain and sometimes lifelong pain an affair can cause...

 

I send hugs and support to you, and feel awful that this OW was someone you knew. Thats a whole other animal (not that I am calling her an animal)..lol.

 

You seem strong, confidant and compassionate, and it will take you far....

I wish you the very best in IC and with your marriage. Your husband is a lucky man.

 

lfmm

[learnfrommymistakes]

My apologies to LFMM. I misread your OP. You were asking about new relationships, assuming that the BS had left their unfaithful partner Not ones who had stayed in the relationship.

 

Sorry about the t/j.

 

Oh please dont apologize, I did not see this as threadjacking at all. We are all here to share, learn and express. It sure is not MY FORUM, lol..and I like to get topics out that to help us all think, learn or whatever it does for whomever.

 

I ramble on and on, so it is good to halt me! lol. I like hearing other peoples accomplishments, good stories or ways they have learned to cope with things that are so difficult...

 

FOREAL: So true about trusting your instincts...mine are screaming bloody hell right now as I think I am heading for a tough encounter in the next few days that I will have to rely on trust/instincts...and I already know which side I lie on..BIG TIME...zero trust...BASIC INSTINCTS..lol