Should i trust my husband?

[ang_ei12]

We have been married 21 years and have a daughter together who is now 19 and at uni. He is 13 years younger than me, but when we met he told me he was older, I believed him because he actually looks older than me. Anyway, mentally he is more mature than me in a lot of ways. He is now 44 and I am 57. Four years ago I found out he was cheating. To say that I was completely broken by his deceipt is an understatement. Of course, like most women I suspected he was up to something, but, when I actually found out it still hurt a lot. At the time, he said that our marriage was not working, that he wanted to be a free spirit, that he did not want the commitment, that I was possessive and wanted to own him, that he thought that once we were married, my 2 sons from a previous marriage would go their won way and not bother us again, the list was endless.

 

In my defence, I cited that he treated me badly, that he was aggressive, that I felt undervalued and controlled by him.

 

Anyway, he moved out into a flat which he bought for himself and furnished with some nice stuff. He used to stay there 4 days a week and come home on fridays and stay till sunday. I spoke to the other woman and she told me that he hadn't promised her anything, but had said that he was waiting for our daughter to leave school. But when it came to the crunch, he made it clear to her that she was not part of his plan, so she phoned me to say that I was welcome to him if I still wanted him.

 

Throughtout the last 4 years, I found out that he still keeps in touch with her even though he has moved from the place of work where they met. In January of this year, I found texts from her which were quite friendly.

 

The situation is that after I made it clear to him that I would not stand for a part time husband, he moved back in. He still has his flat which lies empty and says that he will sell it once the market picks up. For the last year he has been different to me. We have a very loving relationship, or so I think. We don't ever argue anymore, our sex life is back on a regular basis, we seem to connect more. He has even asked if I want to invite my sons over for Xmas.

 

So why am I writing in you ask? Well, this morning as I was about to leave for work, he received a text. He read it out lour and it was from a woman named Sharon. At first he made out he didn't know who it was, then he read out the message which said "good luck with your job, is it just me that has butterflies in her stomach"? Apparently, she is also being told today whether she has got the job that they all had to re-apply for due to the company's re-structure.

I made a joke of it by saying that he should reply "no, I don't have butterflies, I have dragonflies" or something like that. I was slightly nervous and tried very hard to cover it up by saying that I had to get to work early, he must have realised because he was very loving to me, kissing me 3 times before I left.

 

I have been a mess all day now, wondering what is going on. I suppose they could be just colleagues, but because of his past history I feel threatned again. One minute say to myself that I shouldn't concern myself with what he gets up to, chances are he will leave after our daughter finished university anyway, so just carry on the way it is and don't ask any questions. The other side of me says that I cannot live this way, because I need to know where I stand because if I assume that I am committed to him, and don't add anything to my life, what will I do when he leaves? He says he will never leave me because I am his wife, full stop. But how can I believe him after what happened 4 years ago?

 

I would very much welcome your opinions. Sorry my post is so long.

Edited November 17, 2009 by ang_ei12

[foreal]

Ang

 

Did you two ever get MC? How/what did the two of you do to resolve the betrayal from 4 years ago? It sounds as though he moved out for awhile but other than that, what steps/actions/changes were made by him and you?

 

That he at first denied knowing this Sharon, is suspect.

 

Should you trust him? Blind trust? NO.

 

Why is ANY woman that you don't know texting him? Why did he deny it?

 

Trust your gut- you felt something amiss 4 years ago, right?

 

Trust your gut.

[bhgirl]

This is tough I have been in this situation and trust is just something that is hard to regain. I would definitely confront him because in my opinion he should not be entertaining any females especially because of his past. You need to just stand your ground tell him how you feel and see what he says. Don't do like did let it fester and then blow up or hold grudges and never fully regain the trust that you need to have a fulfilling marriage. I hope it is nothing, but if you feel this way then I would suggest you talk about it. Communication is key to having sucess this time around.