isthisallthereis Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Are some marriages too far gone to benefit from MC? My story: We've been married 20 years and have one daughter who is 17 and will be attending college next year. We own a business together. We are in decent financial shape although we have incurred a good bit of debt over the last few years related to our business. No infidelity. No physical abuse (towards me). The problem: When I think of my husband, I don't think in terms of love. I loved him when we married but over time, the love I felt has been tamped down by the anger I feel towards him. We've talked about counseling before, even made appointments, but cancelled them when things "got better." I don't think he is any happier than I am, except that he has his immediate basic needs met: he's fed, sheltered, clothed, his bills are paid, all through little or no effort on his part.
Author isthisallthereis Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 Submitted before I intended to. Additional problems: we don't communicate well and have never communicated well. Husband does not believe in apologizes. He believes that if you wait it out, all will be forgotten (and forgiven). Physical abuse: He has never hit me. However, the way he treats our daughter bothers me. He does not have her respect, because he has never been there in the bad times, and only speaks about the things she has accomplished. He will not respond to her teenage mutterings by addressing the situation; instead, he waits until he blows a gasket. Twice in the last year he has responded to her in what I feel are inappropriate ways: he chased her down and spanked her with a belt (in front of a good friend no less). Then last week, he was annoyed because I asked him to sweep the porch, and help me get ready for company. Daughter asked him if he would vacuum her rug while she was cleaning the two bathrooms; he refused and sat down to watch TV. She began muttering, he lost it and grabbed her by the back of the neck and getting in her face, not yelling, but being threatened. When daughter tried to pull away, he tightened his grip. It scared and hurt her, so she started crying and that it when I say what was happening and intervened. I've asked him repeatedly to speak to her, but he will not. Again, he thinks that it will be forgiven if nothing more is done. It seems as though lately, he takes out his frustrations with me on her. Sex life is non-existent. Physical contact and affection outside the bedroom have been gone for longer than the sex. Husband has developed an aversion to touch..he will go out of his way to avoid even casual contact. When I asked him about it, he said "If you reject me in the bedroom, why should I put myself out there to be rejected in front of others?" I do the vast majority of the work for the home. He will do some laundry, unload the dishwasher and take out the trash. Other than that it is my job. I handle all of the management issues for our business. I am also the breadwinner. He will only handle the cases he wishes to handle. I have had to take over several of his cases when he neglected them to the point of the client threateneing to walk and take their money. Long posts, but I am wondering: is it time to hang up this marriage or should be try MC?
angie2443 Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Only you can decide if you should go to MC or just give up. Just make sure that if you do go to MC, find a counselor that is trained in MC. Also, your husband's behaviour towards your daughter concerns me. I would bring this up in counseling and see what is going on there.
stuckinoz Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 No - I don't believe it benefits every marriage. Myself - Our counselor was a NUT-JOB! I realized that she was skirting the main issue (my husbands drinking) - We'd been going to her for about 2 months. IC & MC. (we quit right after the 2 mo. mark) She only did 2 things for our marriage - 1) Kept us from killing each other during our separation 2) Taught us to be KINDER to each other. Trust me when I say this, the FIRST counselor you get may not be the one you stay with. You, Your spouse & the Counselor MUST be a good fit.
KikiW Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 I didn't find it helpful because my husband was never really on board with it. He went because I asked him, but I know his general attitude towards them is that they don't do anything so the counselor was defeated before we even walked in. I am actually very concerned about his displays toward your daughter. It IS inappropriate to treat her the way he has, and I can only think that he has a lot of pent up anger he is not dealing with in a healthy manner. If you go to counseling, he MUST be on board with it and be willing to put effort in, but I suspect that if he can't even vacuum a rug while others clean the rest of the house, he won't.
mem11363 Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Can you divorce and be ok financially? He sounds awful. Submitted before I intended to. Additional problems: we don't communicate well and have never communicated well. Husband does not believe in apologizes. He believes that if you wait it out, all will be forgotten (and forgiven). Physical abuse: He has never hit me. However, the way he treats our daughter bothers me. He does not have her respect, because he has never been there in the bad times, and only speaks about the things she has accomplished. He will not respond to her teenage mutterings by addressing the situation; instead, he waits until he blows a gasket. Twice in the last year he has responded to her in what I feel are inappropriate ways: he chased her down and spanked her with a belt (in front of a good friend no less). Then last week, he was annoyed because I asked him to sweep the porch, and help me get ready for company. Daughter asked him if he would vacuum her rug while she was cleaning the two bathrooms; he refused and sat down to watch TV. She began muttering, he lost it and grabbed her by the back of the neck and getting in her face, not yelling, but being threatened. When daughter tried to pull away, he tightened his grip. It scared and hurt her, so she started crying and that it when I say what was happening and intervened. I've asked him repeatedly to speak to her, but he will not. Again, he thinks that it will be forgiven if nothing more is done. It seems as though lately, he takes out his frustrations with me on her. Sex life is non-existent. Physical contact and affection outside the bedroom have been gone for longer than the sex. Husband has developed an aversion to touch..he will go out of his way to avoid even casual contact. When I asked him about it, he said "If you reject me in the bedroom, why should I put myself out there to be rejected in front of others?" I do the vast majority of the work for the home. He will do some laundry, unload the dishwasher and take out the trash. Other than that it is my job. I handle all of the management issues for our business. I am also the breadwinner. He will only handle the cases he wishes to handle. I have had to take over several of his cases when he neglected them to the point of the client threateneing to walk and take their money. Long posts, but I am wondering: is it time to hang up this marriage or should be try MC?
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 In your case, I think MC would be step to see if there's anything worth saving, here. Actually - if I were you, I'd go for IC. Then you can get a professional that can give you an opinion on whether MC would even help in your situation. I honestly don't think it would - he sounds like a difficult person to live with - but I'm not a professional.
carhill Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Yikes.... Normally, I'm one to champion the benefits of MC, even in divorce, but IDK here. My first instinct is some FC for you and your daughter and seriously consider ending the marriage. My sympathies....
TaraMaiden Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 People are under the misconception that Counselling is specifically designed to keep people together. It isn't. Counselling - any counselling - is designed to help achieve a clearer picture of the situation, and to give people a level playing field upon which to air their issues, thoughts, problems, concerns, worries and POVs. With mediation and constructive, unbiased and supportive guidance, this can actually mean that people part. But at least, all going to plan, they part knowing why they have parted. But I'm with Cahill here. Your daughter needs you a whole heap more than he does.... I think this is a mess, and I think he has already left the marriage. In my humble opinion, I'd concentrate on you and your daughter - and file.
giotto Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 didn't help us... it was too late, and, by your description, your situation seems quite compromised, with major issues. But then, you won't know until you try again...
Author isthisallthereis Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 (edited) Thanks for all the honest answers. I have thought about IC, but feel that MC is what we need right now to deal with the issues with my daughter in a safe environment. I have a good friend who is a counselor who is trying to get us an appointment with a MC as soon as possible. I will also ask her about family counseling, which hadn't even occurred to me. Edited November 18, 2009 by isthisallthereis
angie2443 Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 People are under the misconception that Counselling is specifically designed to keep people together. It isn't. Counselling - any counselling - is designed to help achieve a clearer picture of the situation, and to give people a level playing field upon which to air their issues, thoughts, problems, concerns, worries and POVs. With mediation and constructive, unbiased and supportive guidance, this can actually mean that people part. But at least, all going to plan, they part knowing why they have parted. I disagree to an extant. This really depends on the type of counseling you go to and the intentions of the people entering it. If a marriad couple want their marriage to work, and feel they need counseling, then they need to go in with the idea that the counseling is to keep them together and need to find a good MC with a game plan that will help them achieve this. In this situation, I think it maybe harmful for the daughter for the mother to stay. I think some kind of intervention is in order, maybe in the way of family counseling.
angie2443 Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Thanks for all the honest answers. I have thought about IC, but feel that MC is what we need right now to deal with the issues with my daughter in a safe environment. I have a good friend who is a counselor who is trying to get us an appointment with a MC as soon as possible. I will also ask her about family counseling, which hadn't even occurred to me. I think the family counseling is a must. I didn't think about it either untill just now, but I think your husband needs to change the way he is relating to his daughter. Best of luck to you.
TaraMaiden Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 I disagree to an extant. This really depends on the type of counseling you go to and the intentions of the people entering it. The 'purpose' of counselling is completely different to the 'intentions of the people entering it'. That is their decision. The purpose of counselling is exactly what I outlined it to be. What people make of it, and their reasons for attending, are up to them. Counselling is not made to make things work, keep people together or prevent break-ups. Only the participants can do that. Counselling is there purely as an impartial constructive enabler. If a marriad couple want their marriage to work, and feel they need counseling, then they need to go in with the idea that the counseling is to keep them together and need to find a good MC with a game plan that will help them achieve this. You're making my point. It's their decision. Not the counselling's purpose.... MC has no game plan, other than one which will enable people to achieve what they want, if possible.
TaraMaiden Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Thanks for all the honest answers. I have thought about IC, but feel that MC is what we need right now to deal with the issues with my daughter in a safe environment....... I will also ask her about family counseling, which hadn't even occurred to me. Do you truly believe your H will agree to either? (That's a sincere question, not a confrontational one.) Might it be necessary to give him an ultimatum?
angie2443 Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 MC has no game plan, other than one which will enable people to achieve what they want, if possible. Sometimes it does. Not all counseling is the same. Not all counselors are the same.
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