Facing the Fear...

[Fred32]

Hello all.

 

I´ve been analyzing and rethinking my social life in the last few weeks / months and have - through introspection and reading five zagillion different ebooks - managed to break out of a few rather selfdefeating automatic responses of my inner self.

 

It´s weird. I always knew, at core, that a few aspects of my personality were damaged yet I always kept myself optimistic, upbeat and tried to minimize the impact said damaged parts of myself had on me. Living in an illusoniary bubble.

 

I´m in the process of healing myself. I´m an optimistic individual - a trait that is right now helping me to set in motion my own salvation.

 

What I would like to find out from you, if possible, would be the level of influence your parents / surroundings / socialisation have on your social savy as well as your PERCEPTION of human relations (explicitly both romantic and platonic)?

 

Say for example you had experienceed loss and pain in your childhood....say from parental neglect.....could the lack of love in your childhood make you needy and externally validated? As if you crawl around like an emotional beggar and pathetically plead for affection?

 

And what of your traumata? Say, you survived your troubled childhood still somewhat intact and unscathed only to run headfirst at full speed into a brick wall.....romantically. Imagine, your wings had been scorched, your soul ravished and shredded and you flung back down to the filth of neglect.

 

Ponder, then, the prospect of you seemingly fighting on bravely. Slowly turning into that nice guy everybody knows...as the years go by. A cool guy, funny, living it out with friends and all. Superficially, You feel relatively normal. However, every time you get to a certain point with a woman your trauma resurfaces and consequently you get blown out. So you know you´re not truly healed. On a gut level you realize you´re just lying to yourself......cause you´re not dealing with the underlying issues, just stacking one mask upon the other and at core you´re partially phoney.

 

So at some point you decide you need to relocate to another part of the world. You hope this will change things.....but in truth it´s only another way of fleeing.

 

Finally, you fall in love again for the first time since you were a young lad. And this second episode ruptures the velvet web of your illusions in such a dramatic way that for the first time in years you are forced to address all these issues again.

 

You stand there shaking and trembling, yet determined to find some way to heal the pain, to finally become whole.

 

My question is: How do my childhood and adolescent traumatas affect me exactly? And how can I break free of these shackles that have imprisoned me for decades?

 

Thank you.

[Boundary Problem]

the level of influence your parents / surroundings / socialisation have on your social savy as well as your PERCEPTION of human relations (explicitly both romantic and platonic)?

 

My question is: How do my childhood and adolescent traumatas affect me exactly? And how can I break free of these shackles that have imprisoned me for decades?

 

 

1. Social savy - parents huge influence. Surroundings less so. Socialising moderate influence.

 

2. Perception of human relations - socialising huge influence. parents moderate influence. Surroundings less so.

 

3. Have you researched hypnotherapy? I have a friend who suffered severe trauma in childhood and she is finding hypnotherapy successful in re-programing her childhood.

 

4. Go get professional help with this. The ebooks help you define the problem. Now you need an expert(s) to fix the problem. Go make the investment in yourself. It will be the best thing you ever do for yourself.

 

5. While you are waiting for the appointments maybe make a list of your worst fears and your most prevalent memories etc.

 

 

Sounds like you are on the right path.

[Boundary Problem]

Say for example you had experienceed loss and pain in your childhood....say from parental neglect.....could the lack of love in your childhood make you needy and externally validated? As if you crawl around like an emotional beggar and pathetically plead for affection?

 

 

So - why are you making the assumption that seeking affection is a negative and weak activity?

 

Seeking affection seems like a normal need for all humans.

 

Needing a continuous flow of affection would be a sign of a problem.

 

Affection between two people is a mutual sharing, whether it be two friends or parent/child.

 

I have never seen affection as a dominant/submissive thing, but the language you used denotes submission by the person seeking affection.

[Boundary Problem]

parental neglect.....could the lack of love in your childhood

 

 

So what is your first memory of being 100% truly loved. Who was the person? And how old were you?

 

And I guess the converse - what is your first memory of reaching/needing love and being shown by actions/words that the trusted person did not love you.

 

Who did you trust in your childhood. You speak of love and attention. You do not speak of trust, at all that I saw.

 

 

Is it "traumatas" or "tramatae" for plural? I can't remember my latin grammar.

[Fred32]

1. Social savy - parents huge influence. Surroundings less so. Socialising moderate influence.

 

2. Perception of human relations - socialising huge influence. parents moderate influence. Surroundings less so.

 

3. Have you researched hypnotherapy? I have a friend who suffered severe trauma in childhood and she is finding hypnotherapy successful in re-programing her childhood.

 

4. Go get professional help with this. The ebooks help you define the problem. Now you need an expert(s) to fix the problem. Go make the investment in yourself. It will be the best thing you ever do for yourself.

 

5. While you are waiting for the appointments maybe make a list of your worst fears and your most prevalent memories etc.

 

 

Sounds like you are on the right path.

 

Thank you for your information.

[Fred32]

So - why are you making the assumption that seeking affection is a negative and weak activity?

 

Seeking affection seems like a normal need for all humans.

 

Needing a continuous flow of affection would be a sign of a problem.

 

Affection between two people is a mutual sharing, whether it be two friends or parent/child.

 

I have never seen affection as a dominant/submissive thing, but the language you used denotes submission by the person seeking affection.

 

Well, I´d say that my personal neediness is not normally that pronounced. Looking back to past relationships of mine I´d say that my 'neediness-trigger' was always activated the same way: The moment a friendship / relationship became unbalanced i.e. my friend would start to lose interest.

 

I guess that impuls always triggered the specific trauma of being 'left alone' / 'abandoned'.

 

As for dominance / submission: The needier of two individuals is always the more dependant, obviously, and therefore more submissive (consciously or subconsciously).

[Fred32]

So what is your first memory of being 100% truly loved. Who was the person? And how old were you?

 

And I guess the converse - what is your first memory of reaching/needing love and being shown by actions/words that the trusted person did not love you.

 

Who did you trust in your childhood. You speak of love and attention. You do not speak of trust, at all that I saw.

 

 

Is it "traumatas" or "tramatae" for plural? I can't remember my latin grammar.

 

Hmmmm.....well call me melodramatic but I couldn´t find any specific image that would convey a truly loved state. My mother was mostly working when I was a kid (my father having the task of taking care of us). So apart from a few hugs etc. nothing springs to mind.

 

As for the converse:

 

I vividly remember my father often physically leaving our house if he was angry with something we had done. He´d threaten to abandon us and then just pretend as if he was leaving. I recall panic on my part (~5 years old) and crying and feeling desperately afraid of losing him. I also recall being afraid even a year or so later....when I was at home alone.

 

As for physical abuse - I´m unsure if getting beaten some would truly qualify as real abuse.

 

Ah...and I do believe it´s 'traumatae'. Lol, Latin is alive and kicking, eh?

[rina_r]

 

Is it "traumatas" or "tramatae" for plural? I can't remember my latin grammar.

 

Speak English then! No need to show off.

[Boundary Problem]

I guess that impuls always triggered the specific trauma of being 'left alone' / 'abandoned'.

 

As for dominance / submission: The needier of two individuals is always the more dependant, obviously, and therefore more submissive (consciously or subconsciously).

 

 

1. Abandonment does appear to be a re-occuring theme. Fear of abandonment. Therein lies the glue for some toxic relationships.

 

A loving relationship should be a choice every day, ie each day you wake up and choose this based on rational and compelling reasons.

 

2. I've never seen a relationship where one was "more needy" for affection than the other. Sometimes one loves the other more than in love received in return. Sometimes one wants sex more than the other. But no - I've never seen affection in terms of dominance/submission.

 

If you were seeking affection from someone that never gave it to you (or rarely) I think it would be a mistake to assume that creates a dominant/submissive relationship. It is a broken relationship. I truly believe that with love, the affection is mutual. Neither is 'needier".

 

Keep in mind I'm not a therapist. Just based on my own childhood and experiences.

[Boundary Problem]

Speak English then! No need to show off.

 

 

Sorry. It is about the only thing from latin class that I remember. I was quite proud. Pride is a sin you are right.

[Boundary Problem]

I couldn´t find any specific image that would convey a truly loved state. My mother was mostly working when I was a kid (my father having the task of taking care of us). So apart from a few hugs etc.

 

As for the converse:

 

I vividly remember my father often physically leaving our house if he was angry with something we had done. He´d threaten to abandon us and then just pretend as if he was leaving. I recall panic on my part (~5 years old) and crying and feeling desperately afraid of losing him. I also recall being afraid even a year or so later....when I was at home alone.

 

As for physical abuse - I´m unsure if getting beaten some would truly qualify as real abuse.

 

 

1. Absence = abandonment. My dad was the same. never home.

 

So you had one parent gave the appearance of abandonment (she was working) and your dad didn't really know what he was doing and sometimes got fed up and left for a while.

 

2. Loved state - are you kidding me? Didn't your mom ever give you a bath at night and comb your hair and help you brush your teeth and read you a story and kiss you good night and tell you not to let the bed bugs bite?

 

Wasn't she home ever? Did dad do the cooking and laundry?

 

If you had a problem at school, who did you hope would come pick you up - mom or dad?

 

3. Basically no physical touching or affection - aside from a few hugs. So putting sex aside, do you like cuddling now - or is it wierd?

 

4. Home alone at 6? That is young. Here are behaviours of my 6 yr old: scared of what is on other floors in the house when they have to go alone to that floor. If occupied on TV/computer they are oblivious to their surroundings. They sleep with lights on. They want someone nearby when they are falling asleep. They call out in the night a couple times a week for reassurance. They a hug about 5 times a day. They want a kiss on the cheek at the same time and they kiss back on cheek. They go for an "accidental" boob grap regularly. They are interested in sex and how babies are made. My boy pees the bed and still wears an overnight diaper. They love socializing at school. They love having playdates at home. Just learning how to read.

 

5. Beatings - I don't know. Sometimes a parent loses their cool, and that is why it is good to have both around - to run interference when the kids are driving you crazy. I guess it would depend on how severe/how often they were - to try to figure out if that is a troubling area for you. We've all been spanked.

[Fred32]

1. Abandonment does appear to be a re-occuring theme. Fear of abandonment. Therein lies the glue for some toxic relationships.

 

A loving relationship should be a choice every day, ie each day you wake up and choose this based on rational and compelling reasons.

 

2. I've never seen a relationship where one was "more needy" for affection than the other. Sometimes one loves the other more than in love received in return. Sometimes one wants sex more than the other. But no - I've never seen affection in terms of dominance/submission.

 

If you were seeking affection from someone that never gave it to you (or rarely) I think it would be a mistake to assume that creates a dominant/submissive relationship. It is a broken relationship. I truly believe that with love, the affection is mutual. Neither is 'needier".

 

Keep in mind I'm not a therapist. Just based on my own childhood and experiences.

 

Aye, you do make some very valid points there. Again, my thanks.

 

I think my motivation here is not explicitly sexual. Rather, I want to become truly autonomous in my actions. Internally validated. I basically want to become me without the neediness and being able to completely express myself. It´s probably going to be a lifelong quest but hell.....you have to start somewhere.

 

At least I have the feeling that I can see more aspects of my personality now.

 

Incidentally, maybe this is the wrong forum for this thread. It is not strictly about social relations in general, after all...

[Boundary Problem]

Hypnosis on the abandonment memories seems like the next logical 'expert' thing you should do.

 

I think they put you in a relaxed state and you talk about the memory and how it makes you feel and while you are relaxed some replacement healthy messages are implanted.

 

Healing your inner child sort of stuff. My friend says she can't believe how different she feels after the sessions. She is a writer and very intellingent.

 

It isn't voodoo. It is totally legit.

[Boundary Problem]

Just ask them to move it to the Coping section or something by hitting an alert button maybe.

[Fred32]

1. Absence = abandonment. My dad was the same. never home.

 

So you had one parent gave the appearance of abandonment (she was working) and your dad didn't really know what he was doing and sometimes got fed up and left for a while.

 

2. Loved state - are you kidding me? Didn't your mom ever give you a bath at night and comb your hair and help you brush your teeth and read you a story and kiss you good night and tell you not to let the bed bugs bite?

 

Wasn't she home ever? Did dad do the cooking and laundry?

 

If you had a problem at school, who did you hope would come pick you up - mom or dad?

 

Well as said: My mom was working full time and therefore mostly away and when she was at home more often than not rather tired etc. Add to that the fact that I have 2 sisters and 1 brother. I think it was mostly my father that did all these things....such as giving me a bath (normally after being told to do so by my mom...so a tad disgruntled perhaps). My dad also normally did the cooking, cleaning and laundry.

 

3. Basically no physical touching or affection - aside from a few hugs. So putting sex aside, do you like cuddling now - or is it wierd?

 

Well it is kind of interesting. When I´m alone I desperately crave physical touch. However, if I can have it I soon lose interest and withdraw. Kind of strange....

 

4. Home alone at 6? That is young. Here are behaviours of my 6 yr old: scared of what is on other floors in the house when they have to go alone to that floor. If occupied on TV/computer they are oblivious to their surroundings. They sleep with lights on. They want someone nearby when they are falling asleep. They call out in the night a couple times a week for reassurance. They a hug about 5 times a day. They want a kiss on the cheek at the same time and they kiss back on cheek. They go for an "accidental" boob grap regularly. They are interested in sex and how babies are made. My boy pees the bed and still wears an overnight diaper. They love socializing at school. They love having playdates at home. Just learning how to read.

 

Well to be honest: I wasn´t always home alone. There were occasions but not all the time. I just recalled them because they kind of made sense to me in light of the other things I said.

 

What would interest me as well.....is if such experiences can influence the way we speak? You see, I developed a minor speaking impediment as a child. Basically, I´d speak too fast and mumble words. I still have this tendency even today....if and when I´m in a nervous state.

[Boundary Problem]

Well it is kind of interesting. When I´m alone I desperately crave physical touch. However, if I can have it I soon lose interest and withdraw. Kind of strange....

 

What would interest me as well.....is if such experiences can influence the way we speak? You see, I developed a minor speaking impediment as a child. Basically, I´d speak too fast and mumble words. I still have this tendency even today....if and when I´m in a nervous state.

 

 

Well the house can be full of people and you still feel lonely because you aren't getting 1/1 quality attention.

 

My son has a speech impediment. We work on it regularly - the school sent me to a seminar and gave me worksheets for him to practice with me. It is more of an enunciation problem.

 

Get yourself in to see a speech pathologist - I can't believe how easy it was to fix my son's enunciation problems. He said "Tookie" rather than "Cookie". We worked on it and now he's fixed it. Now we are working on G for "Golf", he calls it "Dolf".

 

It is not unusuall for boys in that age range to have speech problems. Yours just never got fixed.

 

The touching thing - you might have to condition yourself on that one. Fake until you make it. Once you are used to it, and know it won't be withdrawn, then you may trust it and actually start to enjoy it. The fact when you crave it when you are alone (before the facade drops down with another person) tells me that you need the affectionate touching.

[CLC2008]

This is a great post.

 

I’ve dealt with very similar things, I suffered a trauma at a very young age (which I won’t get into), but I’ve spent the majority of my life trying to learn different tools and techniques for managing it. There will always be road bumps along the way, but I think for people who have had similar experiences, it is helpful to try to be very aware of what their trigger points are and to try to learn how to manage it more effectively.

 

I prefer cognitive behavioral therapy and I’ve spent a lot of time with different psychologists, and I just recently started working with a female sociologist. For me, it’s something I have to be committed to long term because most of my issues are anxiety related, PTSD. It’s helping me to become more adaptable and flexible in various situations. I can chose to go through life stuffing and stifling things, or I can chose not to.

 

And, I choose me

[Boundary Problem]

I think it took a lot of courage for OP to start and continue this thread.

 

It is about letting go. Like hanging onto the top of a skyscraper and just letting your fingers go and going into freefall.

 

At some point you start to fly.

 

But that loss of control during the free fall is both terrifying and exhilarating.

 

We'll see if he has a greater sense of peace by giving up that measure of control. Time will tell.