Should I end this 12 years relationship

[sokelengl]

I’m a 32 years old lady. I wasted 12 years on a deadbeat boyfriend.

For the initial 7 years we lived in overseas ( in UK) and cohabited for 7 years. At that time we were students. Now we are living in different country conducting a long distance relationship. He visited me 3-4 times a year for the past 5 years.

This man will turn 37 soon, but has the maturity of an early twenty man. I was a fool who fell for a total jerk-off. He lives in flat with his mum and his mum’s partner. Therefore he has no rent to pay, no car and doesn’t has his own flat. He never takes a day of professional job once he graduated from university. After finished his undergraduate study, he pursued to his graduated study. At once he said the reason he pursue further studies was because he was afraid to come out working. He spent another 5 years in the university, lost interest in his reseach topic and failed to get a graduate degree. He wasted 5 years. In my mind, I don’t see getting a phd is crucial. Plenty of people on the street still get a good earning and comfortable life with a basic degree. Being a understanding lady,I gave him plenty of time ( another 4 -5 years) and space to reset his career path.

As he staying with his mum, he whined a lot and hates the environment completely. He said he don’t have space and feel trapped in the flat. Because there is always someone in the flat and don’t have enough privacy to do his online business planning. Honestly say, I don’t think it is right to shift the blame to his mum. His mum is the at the semi-retired age ( 60 years old). At this age she is probably feel she is too tired to go out. He is the person who should responsible to get the life he wants.

When we would go out, which was rare, I always paid for my share. I feel very guilty to spend his money. For every visiting period, I will try my best to serve him very well. He doesn’t have money, therefore I make home cook food to cut down the expenses of eating out. I offered him good sex, keep myself fit to look well. I am trying my best to be a successful businesswomen, a good wife to be, an excellent chef, a sluttish lady in the bedroom. For all the efforts I put into this relationship, I received northing. No promised future and, not even a ring. This sink me into the deepest depression that I can ever imagine. The suicidal thoughts always come into my mind. The pictures of turning on the carbon monoxide in the car and sink my car into river bank always surface. My business life is so hectic and busy, it distracts me a lot. It numbs the sadness in my heart. On the outside I am still a bubbly lady. Even my parent living in the same household doesn’t know I am slowly sinking into the depression.

Like other jobless man, he talks about what he’s gonna do with his life but no result showing. Now he is selling some mechandises on ebay, the traffic is slow. The income he bring in not enough to keep a cat. He refuses to look up for job, he said no one will hire a 37 years old man without any working experiences. He also has very bad temperament. Often he would disappear for 10 days plus , and ignore all my calls in that period. So I would decide distance myself from him and ignore his calls. This would cause him to flip out. He left nasty email messages . WHERE THE HELL IS YOUR MOBILE? Every round i raised the question of WHEN ARE YOU READY TO SETTLE DOWN. He will reply with typical answer. "DON'T YOU SEE I AM TRYING HARD!!!!" The same answer that i received for the past 5 years!

 

Due to unhappiness at his mum home, he asked me to move out from my parent home , find a new place and move in with him. He said he can pay his own foods and I paid the rest of the bill! I told him without his income stability I wont’ move a finger! This is an iron rule. If he insist to move out from her mum's home to a rented room,I am willing to pay 50% of the rent. This round he came back make this comment.

 

“i want to say more about moving out but because i know you and your artificial rules would meant its better not to discuss it further. but i will remember that you are in the position to help but you choose not to. so you better pray that you never ever need my help in the future cos i won't be rendering you any!”

 

This comments utterly shatter my heart.

 

He proposed to move out 2 years ago, luckily I never did it. Two years after he still remain jobless stay with mum.

I am angry at myself for staying with him for so long. It was difficult. He was good in bed and had a few other good personal qualities. I have higher standards and expectations involving the company I keep.

 

 

 

Should I leave this behind my back?

[Boundary Problem]

He doesn’t have money

 

For all the efforts I put into this relationship, I received northing.

 

This sink me into the deepest depression that I can ever imagine.

 

The suicidal thoughts always come into my mind.

 

He refuses to look up for job, he said no one will hire a 37 years old man without any working experiences.

 

He also has very bad temperament.

 

Often he would disappear for 10 days plus , and ignore all my calls in that period.

 

I am angry at myself for staying with him for so long. It was difficult.

 

He was good in bed and had a few other good personal qualities. I have higher standards and expectations involving the company I keep.

 

Should I leave this behind my back?

 

 

Dump him. He can't even get a job.

 

You are bubbly and have your own business. You will find another man in no time.

 

And get yourself tested for STDs - I don't like the disappearing and add to that the long distance (seeing each other 3-4 times a year) - make sure you are healthy before moving into another physical relationship.

 

Sorry for the harsh appraisal but this relationship adds no value to your life, which is why you are depressed.

 

You deserve so much better. Disappointment in him has broken your spirit. The more you gave the more he took until you had no more left.

 

Time to love yourself MORE than him.

[KikiW]

A paragraph in I was like "honey, pack it in".

 

This is as good as it's ever going to get. You are right, he should be about to hit a mid-life crisis but he hasn't even started DOING anything yet. He's wasting his life, and dragging you with him.

 

Feel the sadness of a life you wanted to have with him, but recognize you won't ever have it unless you take care of him like mommy does. And do you want to be his mommy?

 

Ew. No. Move on, sweetie. Take some time and think about what you want from a man. It's ok to pay your way on dates, but it's also very nice when a man takes care of it every once in a while. It's ok to go the academic route, but then have a plan when you're done being the perpetual student. It's ok to live with mom longer than expected, but contribute to the household or get off your rear and get a job so you can move out.

 

Seriously. Time to date a MAN, not a CHILD.

[Enema]

Should I leave this behind my back?

 

How is this even a serious question?

 

You know the answer, I think you're just looking for people to confirm it.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I wasted 12 years on a deadbeat boyfriend.

 

I didn't have to read past this to think "yes, you should." Reading the rest left me wondering why you would have to even give it a second thought. You are still young, and there is no reason you should waste even another day on this.