Lisa616 Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Gunny, I have posted a time or two on here and faithfully follow the threads although I don't post too much at all as I don't think I would be too popular. I had a good husband...hard worker (worked too much, though-which now I realize was not a bad thing), good dad, helped me with household chores, etc. He was an alcoholic first 8 yrs of marriage but got sober and faithfully attended AA....we had been married for 18 years this past July...two kids, D-16, S-8. I started thinking there had to be more to life than this...I wanted romance and wanted that "in love" feeling again and didn't think I could get it again with my husband. There was no other man involved except in my own head....I kept thinking that there just had to be something more to life than this daily grind. So....I emotionally and sexually distanced myself from him and finally after months of him sleeping on the couch, asked him to leave with the idea that we would get some counseling and clarity into our relationship. He agreed and went to live in a town about 10 minutes away assuring me he would continue to look out for us and help maintain the home (we live on a few acres in Southern Calif with 5 horses, goats, dogs, pool, lots of maitenance). Well......since the day he left, he has refused to speak to me at all....I mean that literally. We have had three conversations in 10 months forced upon him by me. He is angry and mean with me as well he should be. He has a motorcycle and has joined a club that is borderline an outlaw club...grown his hair long.....neglected his business......and as of right now has not seen his kids since early September. I can't blame him for any of it as I caused it all....I threw away a good marriage and a good man who is now living a life free of all responsibility....again, though, I know that I made this mess. He has not yet filed for divorce and I have begged him through letters, texts and phone calls to come home to no avail. I am clueless why he is not filing as he told me he had papers draw up the day he left. So....I am left sad, lonely and regretful over what I have done to my family. All I can say for any woman considering doing what I did is that be very careful of what you wish for as you just might get it.
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 I didn't divorce my H. He wants to divorce me (or rather his girlfriend is pressuring him to go ahead with it) Even if we wanted to we couldn't though. Since we separated years ago we haven't lived in separate residences for a full year and a day yet - my moving back in with him during the cancer thing reset the clock so to speak. I'm sure when we get there we'll go ahead with it, but then again if no one else is in the picture or is pressuring us we probably won't. I doubt we'll divorce unless it comes right down to the wire and we have to for some reason.
seraphim mom Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Read your post, and its not only woem who drop everything and leave....my husband had the chance to be my protector, my knight in shining armour, etc....but instead he chose to abandon his wife, children, and married resposibiliteis to live in the barracks and go back to being a single guy who goes out to eat every night, buys new clothes all the time, and goes to nascar races...now I'm wondering if the positions were reversed as to it was the man who left a loving wife, and family, someone who took care of them in any way, I don't know just rambling but what if the situation was reversed.....
isthisallthereis Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Gunny, I have posted a time or two on here and faithfully follow the threads although I don't post too much at all as I don't think I would be too popular. I had a good husband...hard worker (worked too much, though-which now I realize was not a bad thing), good dad, helped me with household chores, etc. He was an alcoholic first 8 yrs of marriage but got sober and faithfully attended AA....we had been married for 18 years this past July...two kids, D-16, S-8. I started thinking there had to be more to life than this...I wanted romance and wanted that "in love" feeling again and didn't think I could get it again with my husband. There was no other man involved except in my own head....I kept thinking that there just had to be something more to life than this daily grind. So....I emotionally and sexually distanced myself from him and finally after months of him sleeping on the couch, asked him to leave with the idea that we would get some counseling and clarity into our relationship. He agreed and went to live in a town about 10 minutes away assuring me he would continue to look out for us and help maintain the home (we live on a few acres in Southern Calif with 5 horses, goats, dogs, pool, lots of maitenance). Well......since the day he left, he has refused to speak to me at all....I mean that literally. We have had three conversations in 10 months forced upon him by me. He is angry and mean with me as well he should be. He has a motorcycle and has joined a club that is borderline an outlaw club...grown his hair long.....neglected his business......and as of right now has not seen his kids since early September. I can't blame him for any of it as I caused it all....I threw away a good marriage and a good man who is now living a life free of all responsibility....again, though, I know that I made this mess. He has not yet filed for divorce and I have begged him through letters, texts and phone calls to come home to no avail. I am clueless why he is not filing as he told me he had papers draw up the day he left. So....I am left sad, lonely and regretful over what I have done to my family. All I can say for any woman considering doing what I did is that be very careful of what you wish for as you just might get it. Not to highjack this thread, but I think you are being too hard on yourself. I understand him being angry with you, but his ignoring the children is unacceptable, and points to a big problem, that it not your creation, IMHO. He chose to react to your decision the way he did. Please don't think that you did all this to your family. He has some part in it.
dazedandconfused2008 Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 If there were no "factors" (all those factors he does have though...ugh!) in my marriage i would still be with him. Hell...i was still hanging in there for how long even with these factors! When he wasnt doing those things...he was working hard...was a good provider...a good father...a good husband...a good person. If he didnt have so many unhealthy destructive issues....i would be with him right now. With these factors...he was drowning...and bringing me down with him...i had to let him go...to save myself...or none of us would be capable of doing the right thing and someone had to step up and take care of the kids. I want my kids to see that marriage is about love...about being equal and being best friends and being partners. Love builds up...not down. Like i said in another post...thinking about it all...about him...about me...i loved him so much i had to let him go to live for himself and find himself...and sometimes love is not about hanging on but when to let go. Yes it hurts real bad and we are going through the emotions of it all, but we BOTH deserve to live..to make mistakes...to grow...with or without each other. This relationship...this moment...its without. I want to one day forgive him...and most of all to forgive myself. All we can do is give it our best and walk away knowing at least that was what we could do at that moment in time. If anything...im grateful for it all...even the bad...because i wouldnt be where i am today without those moments. He gave me wonderful children...and some great happy memories...and he was and will always be a part of my life...and for that i will always be grateful.
fooled once Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 For the women? Factoring out mental, emotional, physical abuse / neglect Factoring out addictions such as substance abuse, and criminal acts? That were good "providers" Worked hard, were good "providers" for both you and your children? Weren't "abusers" Factoring in that you married them because they were the "right one" ~ithat they meet your family's proifile as to what a good catch was? (Note! I know that a man being a "good provider" is not enough to substain a marriage between a man and woman in this day and age!) Why did you choose to divorce them? I chose to divorce my ex because I wanted to live a happy life. I wanted me and our son to come before beer and hanging out with his friends. I wanted a spouse who was home more nights a week than gone. I wanted a spouse who, when faced with the choice of beer or me, would choose me. I found that in my 2nd husband. My ex, who I was married to for 9 years, was blindsided by my demand for a divorce because he thought things were fine. No matter how much I talked about wanting time for US, doing things together as a family and him choosing to NOT do that, he thought we had a good marriage. He and I went on 1 vacation with our son during our marriage (our son was 6 when we split). My son and I went on a vacation at least 1 time a year. My ex just chose not to go with us. To this day, he has never taken a vacation with his son - who is almost 21 now. I really think he is not capable of being a loving, attentive, caring father. He has not been there for our son except for his birth. He has no other children - thankfully - but has remarried. I won't ever regret the marriage -because I have a fantastic son from it. And I learned a lot during the marriage - mainly - I deserve to be happy.
Author Gunny376 Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 Frist off your right! We teach people how to treat us! I was a lot like your husband ~ and took me awhile to comprehend and understand as I come from a long line of Southeast Alabama rednecks (because they worked the South end a of mule planting crops to make a living) A4A (who doesn't post here too much anymore) and I had a long drawn out discussion which Tony shut down, (For good reason) I was raised by 'Depression Era" grandparents ~ dirt poor. They sent four of their sons off to war. Three to WWII and one to the Korean War. Vacations? I was just thankful for home grown beans, peas, cucumbers, tomatos and some cornbread and buttermiilk.
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