DudeMan27 Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Im gonna try and keep it short because i am just needing to vent. It's been 8 months since we broke up and I dont think an hour goes by that I dont think about her. Dated for nearly a year and a half. Basically, I was selfish, arrogant, and totally the opposite of the type of boyfriend I had ever been to anyone. My past two relationships one leaving me for my neighbor, and the other went back to her ex fiance and was engaged 2 weeks after we broke up. So because of that I think I had this anger towards women to begin with. A mutual friend set us up. It was her best friend. This girl feel in love with me. We lived an hour away from each other and she would get in the car at any moment just to see me. She was perfect for me and I knew it. Problem was I never acted like it. Sometimes she would ask me to come stay with her and I'd say no. For no reason. She would always call me first or text just to say hi. Sometimes I wouuldnt even call back until several hours later....for no reason. I was horrible.When I was with her I was wishing I was with my friends. When I was with my friends, all I did was think and talk about her. I'm so screwed up. We went out of town for 4th of July. I usually spend all my holidays having fun with my friends. So once we went on vacation I felt bad for leaving my friends and ruined our vacation like it was her fault. She is so beautiful, NEVER got mad at me for anything and was the easiest person to get along with I had ever met. She had a thousand friends. And I acted like either she wasnt good enough for me. I dont date that much. She was my first gf in 2 years and I acted like if she left I could get another girl in a day. That aint true. When we broke up she called it "an emotional rollercoaster" I started crying, not mainly because she broke up with me, but because I had caused her so much pain. Now here I am, I live alone. So I come and sit alone day in and day out. I just lost my job too. Nothing makes me happy anymore. Not even hanging out with friends. She has roomates, and a million friends. So she's never alone. She's been traveling the world too. Too sum up, I just need to vent but my thoughts aren't even comming together right. I totally wore this girl down and pushed her away. She even said over this summer she knew there was more to me and couldn't figure out why I held back so much. The problem is isnt just a broken heart, one that got away, try and find someone else thing. I REALLY thought about it and I think I missed my chance to get married. I really truely feel she would have been the one. And I think all the time about how different my life would have been. She has an incredible family, they travel the world, they have beach houses everywhere. She has fantastic friends. Never was there not something going on or something to do. She lived in a much bigger city than I do and it opend my eyes to a whole new world and experiences that I never had before. And I shut her out because I put my friends above her. Now here I am, I come home alone every night. My friends are mostly settled down and they rarely do anything anymore, and if they do its going out drinking at they are home by midnight. I never have any fun anymore. With her, we had dinner parties, lunches, family get togethers, everything. Now my life is so mundane. Nothing ever goes on. I just sit alone unless my friends actually do want to do something. I am absolutely sick dreading the holidays. My family is small and really dont do too much other than dinner. She has a large family and last year it was like the first true holiday season I've had since I was a kid. The family togetherness, the fun, the parties everything. We actually had lunch a few months ago and dinner with our mutual friend who came back into town last month. We've talked and texted. I finally couldn't take it and told her how much I miss her and that she looked amazing. I told her how I reflected on everything and feel so bad about destroying our relationship and not treating her as well as she deserved. All she texted back was that she "appreciates my reflections and compliments, and it says alot that I can look back and learn from it. " But said she "wished she had something different to say since I'm such a good person and that she would definately talk more if i was cool with it, but understood if I needed more time" So there you have it. I had an amazingly pretty, fun, wonderful girl. A loving family that really liked me, I had a life were there was ALWAYS something going on and something fun to do. I had a girl that thought the world of me and always wanted to show me off to her friends and family. She would wake up when she didnt even work just to make me breakfast before I left for work. She was so crazy about me. And I destroyed it to the point where she doesn't even want a text from me. How horrible of a person can I be? Im sorry, I did make this too long. I appreciate any thoughts and theres so much more to this but I just cant look back any longer. I haev no idea what to do. I never have fun, my fitness level is an all time mess, and no other girls even look attractive to me. I really don't know what to do anymore. And I did this all to myself.
love_confusion Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 I totally understand. I was at fault for my relationship ending earlier this year and not a day goes by where I don't beat myself up over it. Some days are better than others, and things definitely improve with time, but it's still difficult. I wish I could go back in time and change things, but dwelling about the past doesn't change it...it really only makes the situation worse! Sorry I can't be of too much help as I'm still trying to figure out how to feel better myself.
lilbelle Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 the only choice you have is to contact her. Let her know you made a mistake and would like to make it up to her. If she gives it to you, chase her instead of her chasing you and don't screw it up again. The hardest step is the first one don't expect her to make it. Think how hurt she is feeling.
Notsogood Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 I am in the exact same situation as you. I had the best thing ever and I took it for granted and now am left with nothing. My ex was so supportive of me, she left her family to move to another city with me when I got offered a job there, and she took care of me in every way. I miss her and, like you, I also miss her family whom I got along well with. People always say that when there is a breakup in a relationship, it is not all one person's fault. In my case, I can hardly find any fault in my ex, except that she spoilt me too much which makes me feel even worse. Now I stuggle to wake up in the mornings cos I can't find any reason to get out of bed each day. Its really tough, but the only thing I can really do is learn from my mistakes and hope that I meet someone just as good, if not better, in the future and be ready to treat that person like I should have treated my ex. I share your pain, and really hope things work out for you.
McGrupp Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 yup i did something similair. i acted childish immature and selfish. i lost my self respect and now lost the most beautiful kind woman ever because of that. i keep apologizing but it doesnt help. idk what to do either. im alone now and seeing some other girls but they certainly dont compare at all...
soheartbroken Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Hey DudeMan. I'm with you all the way. I'm glad I found this thread, if only to realize that I'm not the only one who f*%#ed up with an awesome person. At least she's still talking to you. My ex basically initiated NC and I haven't heard a peep from her in 3 months. Hang in there. I'm totally rooting for you. If you can do it we call can. I think NotSoGood summed it up correctly when he said we've got to learn for our next relationship...Don't wait until it's too late to appreciate your significant other. But really, I can't be in another relationship until someone as special as my ex comes around, which could be never.
sean1970 Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Hey DudeMan. I'm with you all the way. I'm glad I found this thread, if only to realize that I'm not the only one who f*%#ed up with an awesome person. At least she's still talking to you. My ex basically initiated NC and I haven't heard a peep from her in 3 months. . My ex would absolutely want to still talk with me... Thats the problem, she misses her 'buddy'.
Author DudeMan27 Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 Thanks everyone for the replies. Its 'comforting' to know I'm not the only person in this situation. I feel like, her new boyfriend, or friends all look at me and think "what a complete idiot. how do you screw it up with that girl" She IM'd me last week to say she got my last text, but didnt know what to say and that she wasnt ignoring me. I left her and IM today saying "I probably shouldnt have said anything, but felt at the time I should and thanked her for being understanding." She left me another that said "No way! Im glad you got it out and please dont regret anything. Im here to listen, just whatever way works for you"......I'd almost rather she tell me she hates me than to be so nice. Most girls would say "its been 8months get over it. But not her. That hurts even more, that shes that great. I've been thinking all day, if I wasn't totally happy with her, how can I possibly be with anyone. My 3 year college relationship REALLY messed me up more than I think. I never open up to anybody anymore because I'm so afraid to get that hurt again. And ironically, acting that way only causes me to get hurt like that again. I dont know what my problem was, I look back and its almost like a blur, trying to figure out what I was thinking and doing at certain times. I wish I loved her during the year as much as I do now, at least I can have those happy times to look back on. But I dont even have that. I have memories of a gorgeous girl who would do anything for me, and not even enjoying the time I had with her. Its so sad. Its a life lesson sure, but I willl NEVER get over the fact I couldn't have learned this before her, not because of her. I literally do not know what to do anymore. I have no energy, Im sad all the time. I dont hang out with my family. My friends don't seem that fun to me anymore. I sleep alot and barely have the energy to work out like I used to love to do. I just feel terribly alone and trapped with her memory. I can't stand this. The only thing that remotely puts me in a good mood is hearing from her. Even if it is just a minor text or an IM. I really feel like I destroyed my future. That is no way an exageration. I've never felt this bad after a breaup, and I've had some bad breakups.
stoneymirror Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Like people mentioned earlier, I'd try telling her what was going on and see how she responds. It also sounds like you have some deep seeded issues you need to resolve on your own, and you should really come to terms with some things before you jump back into another relationship. We all have our issues and insecurities, but it's those insecurities that eventually end our relationships if they become out of control. I have issues with trust, and yet everytime I've questioned or accused my GF of something I'm the one who ends up hurting myself. It's my insecurities that have ruined relationships and yet I can't blame anyone else but myself for my actions. I'd also ask yourself how much you really loved this girl to begin with. if you were in a funk during your relationship maybe there's some reasons as to why you acted certain ways. Then again thinking you can be a totally different person for her if she came back to you is also a figment of your imagination. Personally I feel you should take some time for yourself and try to come to terms as to why you act certain ways. You have to want to change your behavior for yourself, not for someone else. She sounds based on what you described as being a perfect person, but realize this is how we make people out to be after longing for them for extended periods of time. If your gut instinct is telling you that she might be the one, I'd try whatever lengths to get her back. I wouldn't beg or profess your love, rather I'd be completely honest and tell her why you acted certain ways. If she's willing to give you another shot, then great, if not, then respect that and give her, her space. Apologize and let her be if that's what she wants. She may just see the person she described as never fully developing in the relationship and might call you. But if you're there all the time, you're going to look like a desperate pest and she'll want nothing to do with you. Get your confidence back and start being selfish by taking care of yourself. I know you feel awful right now, we've all been there, just realize things will work out in the end, no matter if you're with or without her. You may realize in this time apart that maybe this was the best thing, and a good learning experience and just try and stay positive. Stay busy and try and get your mind on something else. Good luck
Author DudeMan27 Posted November 19, 2009 Author Posted November 19, 2009 Thanks everyone again for the advice and replies. It does help somewhat. Problem is, I did tell her. Our mutual friend who set us up gave me the advice to wait a while to talk to her after the breakup, or there'd be no chance to even be friends with her again. I waited a few months. Now for some reason I feel like that is a mistake. We chatted friendly a few times and she was going on a lot of vacations and texted me. I was bound not to read to much into it. Then in the summer, I wrote her basically just apologizing for some of my actions and letting her know its killing me knowing how much I hurt her sometimes. She wrote back telling me how much it means to her that I said that, and just that the fact I am able to reflect and learn is wonderful. We texted/talked every once in a while and she asked me to lunch, then a month later our mutual friend was in town and the 3 of us had dinner. Seeing her those times just set me over the edge. I told her how alll my friends gf's do is yell at them, and it makes me think how wonderful she was. I told her how much fun I had with her at dinner, and that I missed her and wish we talked more. Her basic response was she really appreciates my thoughts and that she would definately talk more if I was okay with it, and that if I needed more time she understood. So none of that worked. I think my problem now are the coulda, shoulda, woulda's. Each day I wake up with a new situation where if I had just been more open, or done this, done that, maybe it would have worked. Thats the worst. Towards the end when I could feel her slipping away she would bring up our relationship, and I would just listen to her, and then 'run away' I never told her how I felt, just kinda sat back and hoped it fixed itself. TERRIBLE MISTAKE. I felt like she didnt want me around and so I held back even more. Now I realize she was waiting on me to make the moves. After we broke up, I just walked away and let it go. Didnt call her for 2 1/2 months after. I realize waiting is the right thing to do, but that long? Any normal guy who just lost an over a year relationship would at least tell her ex he missed her and try and work things out. I just sat by and hoped it fixed itself. Finally 8 months later I tell her I miss her, and its too late. Like I said in my previous posts, Im worse now than I ever was. I dont know what to do. Can't eat, cant sleep. This girl was so crazy about me, and I giftwrapped her and handed her and my lifelong happiness to another guy. And her I am, miserable. I realize I have major issues to work on, but just wish I could have learned this lesson before her. I never learn. I've had 5 serious relationships in my life dating back to highschool. And all 5 left me. How do you fix something like that?? Am I that horrible of a person. It seems like I'm always in this situation and I think that may be reason 1 why I hold back so much. Saying you will be a better person and learn from this doesnt help when I feel like I never learn. Now whats the point when my chance came along and I still blew it.
sean1970 Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Like I said in my previous posts, Im worse now than I ever was. I dont know what to do. Can't eat, cant sleep. This girl was so crazy about me, and I giftwrapped her and handed her and my lifelong happiness to another guy. And her I am, miserable. I realize I have major issues to work on, but just wish I could have learned this lesson before her. I never learn. I've had 5 serious relationships in my life dating back to highschool. And all 5 left me. How do you fix something like that?? Am I that horrible of a person. It seems like I'm always in this situation and I think that may be reason 1 why I hold back so much. Saying you will be a better person and learn from this doesnt help when I feel like I never learn. Now whats the point when my chance came along and I still blew it. While our GFs are different (from the way you describe her), my feeling of loss and guilt is identical. While it is still way harder than I would have imagined, I have become resigned to the fact that I cant change anything that I did/did not do in the relationship. I also know, as you surely can if you really tried, that it was not all my fault. Our girls are by no means perfect. They had flaws, some of which affected the relationship for sure; you just have a hard time seeing them now through your guilt. There is a guide here somewhere, cant remember who wrote it or where it is at, but the line that I had to digest was, "we all took our ex's for granted!!!" Some did things really regrettable (cheating, violence), others (like myself) take out a mental fine tooth comb finding everything, and I mean everything, that we think we did wrong. I have had to remember that I was also very good to her, as I'm sure you were. That you did nice things for her and showed her love. What I have really tried to do since, and not always with success, is not to miss this opportunity to really see what I could have done better. What I have been most surprised by is that most of what I need to work on now (and was a problem then) was how I viewed myself, not how I treated her specifically. If it is over, and I think you believe that, don't miss this chance to make a better life for you and the next person you will be with.... Hang in there man, it will get better...
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