Pugna Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 I've known my partner for 15 years, we've been together for the past 4.5 years. We're living in his bachelor pad but it's not a good solution. This guy dragged his feet about moving and I ended up moving to Asia for work. He followed me to convince me to come back, after 6 months I did, but we lived separately. Then he insisted that I move back in with him to rebuild the relationship, so I did at the beginning of October. The idea was that this was supposed to be a temporary thing for him while we looked for a home. The first home we found ended up not passing inspection and the next one will only be available in July. Meanwhile, after 15 years working at the same place, my boyfriend has developed an anxiety over the possibility of losing his job. Of course, given the back and forth, I'm currently looking for work. There is a 10+ year gap between us, so up until recently I haven't been thinking about having a family, but this guy has had the our kids' names picked out for two years now. He tells me he loves me every day and he is upset when I'm down. Right now though, after everything the idea of buying a house is really stressing him out, and the idea that I've taken a wrong term and landed back in this apartment of his makes me desperately unhappy. I also feel that somehow, this was supposed to be a happy time of my life, how come it's so complicated? Should I just ride this out, when I find work I'll feel better and so will he, when we finally move, the worst will be over and we can be happy again? Or is it time to go?
threebyfate Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 I think there are two people with cold feet, in that you've lost trust in his words, that he'll follow through with his actions. I don't blame you for feeling this way, since history tends to be a good indicator of coping patterns. You're going to have to dig deep inside of you and decide if he's really the one for you. If so, you're going to have to learn to trust him again and he's going to have to follow through with his actions. Would buying a house give you more feelings of security with him? Do you feel that his fear of losing his job is real or just another manufactured excuse to avoid commitment?
Author Pugna Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 You're right, trust is a big issue. I've told him that by deciding to be with him, I'm trusting him with my future happiness in a big way. This is especially the case since being with him entails consequences to my career. When I met this guy, he was the man of my life. 15 years of knowing someone and 4.5 years of being with them is long by any standards, I know that there are ups and downs. I figure that the big hurdle is the home, and then things will fall into place. If they don't, we can just sell. But waiting 8 months at his bachelor pad while I try to restart my career is a depressing thought. I'm pretty confident that him losing his job is a manufactured concern. He has funding for the next three years and he's his own boss. The scenario of him losing his job is a far-fetched one. He says he wants to spent the rest of his life with me, he seems happy with me when we're not thinking of the future. But he is seeming freak out at the idea of making a home.
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