To BM/BW-How do you not know?

[herenow]

Will he thank himself? Will his wife thank him for staying when he doesn't even love her? What do his kids have to do with his well being? And theirs his? If his kids are adults they'll all be able to handle it just fine.

 

The only thing I didn't care for when I discovered my father's A was the not knowing. Once he shared it with me, I understood the reasons behind it. I loved and adored my mother, so it's not like I took sides. I just understood.

 

Othere than the bolded part, I agree with your entire post.

 

Hi WF!

 

I see what you are saying. I only asked about the kids because she said that this MM puts everyone else before himself, and his family means everything to him. So, I asked if the kids would thank him for what we have been told are his selfless actions to put his family first.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

Will his wife thank him for staying when he doesn't even love her?

 

often wondered this myself. do the BS sometimes know that the MM is staying just because its the right thing to do or for financial reasons or for the kids. would you really want someone to stay in the marriage just because you accepted them back and they seem remorseful? i wonder if the BS is aware that this is the case, and if so do you really want them knowing they are in love with someone else?

[White Flower]

Hi WF!

 

I see what you are saying. I only asked about the kids because she said that this MM puts everyone else before himself, and his family means everything to him. So, I asked if the kids would thank him for what we have been told are his selfless actions to put his family first.

I see. Thanks for clarifying.

[White Flower]

Hi WF!

 

I see what you are saying. I only asked about the kids because she said that this MM puts everyone else before himself, and his family means everything to him. So, I asked if the kids would thank him for what we have been told are his selfless actions to put his family first.

 

I see. Thanks for clarifying.

 

often wondered this myself. do the BS sometimes know that the MM is staying just because its the right thing to do or for financial reasons or for the kids. would you really want someone to stay in the marriage just because you accepted them back and they seem remorseful? i wonder if the BS is aware that this is the case, and if so do you really want them knowing they are in love with someone else?

I understand entirely and would NOT want him to stay for any other reason than love. I know this narrows the margin, but oh how valuable that smaller slice is!

[boldjack]

When I cheated on my first wife, she told me she knew but she forgave me and wanted to work through it. After the second or third time, she quit pretending that I was a faithful spouse and began begging me to stop. I am the one who finally had to file for divorce, and even then, she wanted to reconcile. She was an intelligent, loving , faithful spouse, beautiful but very insecure (my fault , I guess) . Why she stayed so long is a mystery to me, so once (after our divorce) I asked her why. She said that she always knew that I would change, and hoped that we would be together when that happened. Well ,she was right and wrong. I did change, but not with her. Sad really.

[White Flower]

When I cheated on my first wife, she told me she knew but she forgave me and wanted to work through it. After the second or third time, she quit pretending that I was a faithful spouse and began begging me to stop. I am the one who finally had to file for divorce, and even then, she wanted to reconcile. She was an intelligent, loving , faithful spouse, beautiful but very insecure (my fault , I guess) . Why she stayed so long is a mystery to me, so once (after our divorce) I asked her why. She said that she always knew that I would change, and hoped that we would be together when that happened. Well ,she was right and wrong. I did change, but not with her. Sad really.

She saw your potential but didn't receive the rewards in it. I'd hoped the same for my ex and now someone else will get the best of him. Like your first wife, I feel that it was going to happen and that I would not benefit from it. For me, understanding that leaving him would make him a better man and beneficial to others was worth all the pain of letting it go.

[OWoman]

I do believe head-buriers have a gift at seeing things the way the want to see them. I never had that gift; therefore, I sought the truth. Head-buriers cannot handle the truth. They just need life to be easy.

 

Some people are genuinely unable to conceive of possibilities that don't accord with the way they choose to view life. Highly narcissistic, perhaps, and perhaps few people are truly that dysfunctional, but my H's xW was one.

 

Even when he told her he was leaving, and why, she refused to believe there was really "someone else". I suspect that had I stood in front of her and waved, she wouldn't have seen me. She was so invested in believing it her way.

 

That said, there were probably few behavioural clues. He'd emotionally checked out aeons before, they lived separate lives and she was never a physical person, so to her it may well have been business as usual.

 

We have only once TMK been in the same place at the same time, where she was forced to register that I was there (with her xH and kids) - usually if that happens she quickly leaves - so it's probably a myth she's been able to perpetuate.

[2sure]

I wanted to point something out. In my previous post I said that I personally knew several people who basically ignored their spouses cheating over the years because they didnt want to change their life style, didnt really care anymore. This doesnt happen often but I do know that many OW/OM are TOLD that this is the case just so that the A can be justified.

 

If you think this is the case with your MM/MW you have to note from what I can tell this kind of thing only seems to happen among the very wealthy. People dont stay and put up with this crap for peanuts . Also, it seems to occur later in a marriage once the kids are grown and gone - a comfy lifestyle with freedom has been established.

 

I also want to point out that the women I know who sadly (to me) deal with this...have ZERO respect left for thier spouses. And that makes sense because if you had any real feelings left for someone, you would have to leave.

[Spark1111]

Because we love and trusted him to be the man we thought we married, and because our nature is to love and trust others who profess to love us.

 

In that scenario, we are no different than the OW/OM.

 

You believe he/she is telling you the truth about the marriage. Many are not.

 

For as many BS posting on this board stating that they knew something was amiss but NEVER suspected another person, there are as many OW/OM posting that when he/she threw them under the bus upon discovery, they NEVER saw it coming.

 

In this confusion, I think the cheater often lies to both the AP and the spouse.

 

We are really not that different.

[turnstone]

I did suspect for years before I found out for sure. However, my instincts just weren't enough for me to act upon. We were such good friends, laughing, sharing so much, having sex at least once a night every time we were together (we both work away from home very frequently) that I just couldn't believe my feelings. Besides, I had no way of knowing what my instincts were actually saying, I had never been cheated on before, so I had no benchmark to judge them against.

 

But there is another side to this; there is an insecure part of me that thought this was how marriage and love was. That not having someone I could fully trust was all I could expect. And with that there was also a strange juxtaposition with the feeling I was too good to be cheated on.

 

However, despite ignoring my instincts for five years, something prompted me to do something I had never done before: come home unexpectedly. I'm not sure who was more surprised.

[stampdaddy]

However, despite ignoring my instincts for five years, something prompted me to do something I had never done before: come home unexpectedly. I'm not sure who was more surprised.

 

and how did that turn out for all concerned??

[turnstone]

I PMed you to avoid a t/j.

[White Flower]

I PMed you to avoid a t/j.

I think it's pretty pertinent to the thread, no? It's all about discovery and/or deciding not to acknowledge it.

[Spark1111]

I go back NOW to that year and a half and wrack, really wrack my brain to see if I knew anything.....

 

Was I trusting and naive? Of course I was! He had grown emotionally distant and somewhat depressed over circumstances in our lives. I begged him to go to counseling because, I too, was unhappy with the automatic pilot our relationship was on. He refused.

 

He landed a new job that necessitated travelling, late nights and business dinners. We supported him wholeheartedly and chalked his new irritation up to stress.

 

We still went out with friends, hosted family, and I tried so hard to make him happier with me. Just didn't understand WHAT EXACTly was happening. We still made love once a week. It was somewhat.....emotionally unsatisfying for me, but physically gratifying. I took it as a sign of marital health. (HA!)

 

He had disguised her in his cell phone as a male "mentor" on the job and I thought, Wow! How nice to have a friend.

 

I discovered a text accidentally while on family vacation. Two days later, I discovered funds in a bank account I never knew we had.

 

I threw him out and said go get her. If that's how you feel, you deserve to have true love.

 

I was devastated, but in my devastation, still loved him enough to let him go. I also felt like a complete fool. How COULD I Have not known????

 

True love is blind whether you are the BS or the OW.

 

She did not know we were as sexually active as we were. I did not know of her existence.

[turnstone]

I think it's pretty pertinent to the thread, no? It's all about discovery and/or deciding not to acknowledge it.

 

I don't believe so. This thread is about knowing or not, its not about what happened when one did know for sure.

 

But hey there's a lot of curiousity about other people's junk, anyone is welcome to read the threads I've started, its all there, I don't need to keep on spreading the roadkill to be picked over.

[White Flower]

I don't believe so. This thread is about knowing or not, its not about what happened when one did know for sure.

 

But hey there's a lot of curiousity about other people's junk, anyone is welcome to read the threads I've started, its all there, I don't need to keep on spreading the roadkill to be picked over.

LOL, well, since you describe it as roadkill then I totally understand.

[White Flower]

I go back NOW to that year and a half and wrack, really wrack my brain to see if I knew anything.....

 

Was I trusting and naive? Of course I was! He had grown emotionally distant and somewhat depressed over circumstances in our lives. I begged him to go to counseling because, I too, was unhappy with the automatic pilot our relationship was on. He refused.

 

He landed a new job that necessitated travelling, late nights and business dinners. We supported him wholeheartedly and chalked his new irritation up to stress.

 

We still went out with friends, hosted family, and I tried so hard to make him happier with me. Just didn't understand WHAT EXACTly was happening. We still made love once a week. It was somewhat.....emotionally unsatisfying for me, but physically gratifying. I took it as a sign of marital health. (HA!)

 

He had disguised her in his cell phone as a male "mentor" on the job and I thought, Wow! How nice to have a friend.

 

I discovered a text accidentally while on family vacation. Two days later, I discovered funds in a bank account I never knew we had.

 

I threw him out and said go get her. If that's how you feel, you deserve to have true love.

 

I was devastated, but in my devastation, still loved him enough to let him go. I also felt like a complete fool. How COULD I Have not known????

 

True love is blind whether you are the BS or the OW.

 

She did not know we were as sexually active as we were. I did not know of her existence.

Spark, you always right such good posts!

 

It sounds to me that once your instincts kicked in you dealt with things appropriately. I'm sure all BSs feel a sense of being the fool in the beginning, as did I, yet once you discovered the hints you didn't bury your head in the sand, you dealt with it and quite eloquently I might add.

[Len]

Hi I am new here and hope nobody minds if I contribute. How did I not know? She was a good liar and I trusted her. After she left me I discovered she had been unfaithful dozens of times. I asked her why and she said she did it to hurt me. Apparently every time I did or did not do something she disliked she went out had sex with someone. Sometimes she was gone for no more than a couple of hours. The cruelest instance was on my 26th birthday, we had a small party and after most people had gone the police turned up and I was arrested on charges of GBH. I spent 13 hours sat in cell wondering what was going on before the chief inspector arrived apologised and released me. It was not until years after she had gone that I learnt that she called the police to come and arrest me and that while I was being held she was in bed with what I thought was friend of mine. The reason being earlier that night I told another friends wife that she was looking good. I would have needed a mind a sick as hers to suspect such things.

Edited November 17, 2009 by Len

[herenow]

I would have needed a mind a sick as hers to suspect such things.

 

This is the best answer to the original question. We don't know because our minds don't work that way. Of course a person involved in an affair would see the truth, but if a BS isn't in that same mind set, how would he or she know?

 

Like many have said, we may have known something was off, but does that automatically mean that our spouse was out fing someone else? Of course not.

 

Even the best marriages where no affair has taken place have ups and downs. Most people need some sort of definite proof before they will acknowledge and act on an affair. Once the proof is there, most people don't just accept and ignore it.

[whichwayisup]

Once the proof is there, most people don't just accept and ignore it.

 

Exactly. One thing I want to point out, some MM (and MW's) tell their AP "my wife/husband knows or is suspicious, she/he doesn't care.." And the AP believes every word. Truth of it is MM/MW are full of crap and lying/omitting truths to suit them best.

[Spark1111]

Exactly. One thing I want to point out, some MM (and MW's) tell their AP "my wife/husband knows or is suspicious, she/he doesn't care.." And the AP believes every word. Truth of it is MM/MW are full of crap and lying/omitting truths to suit them best.

 

So, so true!

 

I think it is because they lie to themselves most of all.

[Snowflower]

This is the best answer to the original question. We don't know because our minds don't work that way. Of course a person involved in an affair would see the truth, but if a BS isn't in that same mind set, how would he or she know?

 

 

Good point!

 

Perhaps this is why so many WS (when in the throes of their own affair) start accusing their BS of having an affair.

 

Maybe it is to throw the suspicion off of the WS..but more likely it kind of proves that there is often some weird type of mindset going on for the WS...where others MUST be having an affair just because they are.

[Spark1111]

Snowflower, here is the height of delusional thinking:

 

In response to her (OW) question, my husband tells her we rarely to never have sex.

 

We had sex at least once a week during his affair.

 

She tells him, I must have a lover.

 

He begins to believe her!

[Virgo1982]

Snowflower, here is the height of delusional thinking:

 

In response to her (OW) question, my husband tells her we rarely to never have sex.

 

We had sex at least once a week during his affair.

 

She tells him, I must have a lover.

 

He begins to believe her!

 

I believe this could be the case a good portion of the time. What's crazy is my xMM's W was having an affair with this guy and he showed me some of the emails. I heard them arguing once and she was accusing him of cheating, but he never accused her. I think he wanted her to continue.

 

For them to get back to a halfway normal M, there is PLENTY work to be done, if it is at all possible. It's bad enough trying to get one BS to trust one WS. They have it bad. She once called his mother a whore for getting remarried. So, I think they would both rather stay in their M the way it is than to show the world they "failed" and divorce.

[NoIDidn't]

I always find these threads where the BS is blamed for not knowing there is an affair going on under their nose - when the WS is lying their pants off to keep them from discovering the truth - amusing.

 

I didn't know right away. I felt something was amiss, but he didn't change his routine except for one night - and he was busted within four hours of getting home late.

 

No WS is going to just come out and admit that they are cheating to their BS. Not one. So the obvious answer to the question is because they are being lied to about it. Another obvious answer is that the WS is doing everything in their power to keep the questions of their fidelity from even coming up.

 

We had sex more often during the EA. Maybe because they hadn't yet had the chance to consumate their affair? He complimented me more often during his EA. To throw me off, perhaps? But, yet he couldn't keep up with throwing me off because he got into those funks. But he was working a lot and had recently loss his assistant. So he did have alot of work to do.

 

Eventually, though. The lies didn't cut it. The lies were of omission. You can feel it. And because my dad is a serial cheater, he is the one who told me (that fateful night) what to look for.

 

I once read somewhere that men are correct over 90% of the time when they suspect infidelity. Whereas women, are only 80% of the time. But the biggest caveat of the survey that I read was that men are also wrong most of the time when they throw out cheating as a reason for strange behaviors in their mates. And women don't just suspect cheating for every little thing.