Will she be back?

[DannyT85]

Hi

 

My girlfriend dumped me 2 weeks ago after we'd been going out about 7 weeks - she said that things were 'moving too fast' and 'she wasn't ready to move on' (cliches i know). I'm 24, she's 26. About halfway through, i found out that she'd only broken up with her previous partner of 9 months the previous month and just before that, she'd been with her fiance for 2 years. She's obiously not spent much time single over the last few years, which i was quite wary of after she said it, and even though i thought i may be a bit of a rebound as she'd been cheated on by her previous partner, i thought i'd give it a chance as i like to take people at their face value. So even though the dumping came quite out the blue, it didn't come as a complete surprise.

 

I should add that i probably hastened the end with something i said a couple of days beforehand. We emailed each other a fair bit at work and i'd emailed her saying that she'd stopped asking me questions about how i'm getting on and what i'm up to, but in hindsight i said it in a patronising way (something like 'it is something you can improve on'). She'd only been like that for a couple of days and she'd been busy with her sister visiting from down south. She mentioned this when she broke it off as making her realise that she's not ready to move on and that things are going too fast.

 

On finishing it, she was quite apologetic, and was keen to stress that she'd like us not to fall out and 'stay friends.' I was a bit wary of that at the time but i've since looked upon it in a more positive light after reading on the net that it is sometimes a way of not cutting all communication channels for good. She that she'd had fun - and so had i - we had quite a bit in common like supporting the same football team, we had great conversation and laughs, and we did fun stuff, so in that respect that is how i mean it came out of the blue. I wasn't really angry about her finishing it as I respected her need for it.

 

Because i didn't know how to react with the 'let's be friends thing' I carried on with the odd chatty email (no texts though) about stuff in general, which i've realised over the past few days was wrong after reading various things on the net. I've seen that to give her the space she needs, we need to cut out all communication so i decided yesterday to leave her alone completely for about a month. Funnily enough, at the same time i realised that, she emailed me to say that i'd have to let her know how i do in my accountancy exam in December (i've been mentioning about revising) so probably a hint on the same thing.

 

Another potential slight positive, on Saturday night, we bumped into each other by chance in town. She was quite flirty with me, kissing me on the cheek and saying she liked my hair. When i got back that night, she texted me while i was asleep asking if i'd had a good night and it was good to meet my friends (she'd never met them even though i'd met quite a few of her's). She called me ten minutes later (waking me up) and we went over the reasons of the break-up (she said that i made it sound like an appraisal when i talked about the 'something she can improve on'!). The next morning, we texted each other about what had been said as we'd both had a few drinks, and she again said i looked nice the night before. I told her that i'd decided to remove her from my facebook as i preferred to remember our times rather than what she's getting up to now, she replied to say that she understands and that i deserve better than her, which i didn't know how to take?? I can't believe what i wrote back next as it made me sound so needy! - 'I can't imagine doing better' - was really annoyed later at putting that. Not surprisingly, she didn't reply.

 

Anyway, even though she dumped me, you can probably tell i am not too proud to say i wouldn't go back with her at some point, as i can cope with the reasons she says she wanted to finish it as they seem to be more to do with her than me. Not that i want to wait around forever but at the same time, not expecting anything quick.

 

I suppose my question is, would you say that there is some hope for the future of hooking up again??

 

Thanks for any replies

[DustySaltus]

Ah Danny, welcome to LS...sorry under these terms.

 

The reason why she is being nice to you and texting you and kissing you on the cheek is because she wants to make herself feel better about the situation. With the past relationships that she has been in, it seems like she doesn't know what she wants. It's better that you find this out in 7 weeks, then in 7 months or 7 years.

 

Read the NC guide in my signature. This is about getting yourself back, not for trying to rekindle the relationship. You need to take a step back and understand that the ball is in her court. If she reappears down the line so be it, but she better be beating down your door, waiting outside in -10 degree weather and baking you brownies....and at that point you may wouldn't even want her back.

 

It's important that you take something away from every relationship that you get involved in. Maybe in the future you can be a little less patronizing however, I don't think that was the reason why things didn't work out. Take this time to invest in yourself and make you a better person so that when the one your are supposed to be with comes into your life you will realize why other relationships didn't work out. Good luck.

[ItsAllGoodAgain]

I agree with DustySaltus. I am currently going through a similar situation. My ex and I met shortly after her being dumped by her babys father. Everything was fantastic in the beginning but things ended because she didn't know what she wanted. I was her rebound and I fell for it. She was very over enthusiastic and said she loved me and I was the best thing that had ever happened to her. Well all I did was fill a void that her ex had left. I was hurt and felt horrible for days after.

 

The best thing I did was drop all contact with her. I don't talk, text or write. I don't check out her facebook or myspace. I never see her. I'm going on 2 weeks of this. This has really allowed me to focus on me and realize that although things were great they were never meant to be. I've realized her situation and I really don't want anything to do with it. I have to give her time to figure out what she wants and not worry about if she's ever going to return. If she does then as DustySaltus said, she better be beating down my door. To her, I've got to be the best thing since sliced bread before I even consider reconciling.

 

My point is letting it be and her be will help you figure things out. Don't sit around and wait for her to make up her mind. You take care of you and everything else will fall into place. NC has helped me a ton. Self reflection and life goals. Not for her or anyone else, but for me!! Trust me, this is the way to go.

 

"If its a broken part, replace it. If its a broken arm then brace it. If its a broken heart then face it and hold your own, know your own name and go your own way. And everything will be fine"

[DannyT85]

Thanks very much for both of your replies, they made a lot of sense.

 

I read the NC guide thanks, and it got through to me. What resonated more with me though was what was written by CaliGuy further down:

 

'Often times we want to blame our ex's for our problems when really if we just listened to our gut we'd have never been in this place to begin with.'

 

This is so true - at the start, I really wasn't that into her! Several things about her were at odds with what I've always wanted in a girl and my gut was telling me 'she's really not for you.' For the purposes of my story whilst at the risk of sounding bitter, I live in northern England where there is the problem of binge drinking among young people. Don't get me wrong, I like to go out most weekends and enjoy myself and maybe go over the top every now and again but she's in the situation where it's every Saturday night (and sometimes Fridays), she gets wasted. This i've never found attractive! I can't even really pinpoint exactly where my infatuation with her came from - perhaps the fact we had a laugh together or maybe it came with being bored of being on my own.

 

I actually wrote all this last Tuesday but didn't post it on here until yesterday so it's now 8 days since i started no contact with her, and i only feel slightly tempted to contact her about one thing...

 

The phone call to me last Saturday night after I'd met her out in town. Here is what happened: returned home about 3.40, went straight to sleep, text received at 3.50, didn't wake up, call from her at 4.05, i answer but in a very half-asleep dazed manner. I can't remember what was said when she first called me but she hung up (perhaps because she realised she'd woken up, perhaps because of the fact that she knew i was no longer in town). I texted her back asking for a call back, no call back so i call her. I seem to remember it was me who initiated the whole 'what went wrong' conversation. The reason i'm mentioning all this is the fact i'm wondering about her motives for calling, i.e. was it meant to be a booty call? This is the only thing that is dominating my mind at the moment as i would hate to think she thinks she could use me for that after dumping me! She'd told me before that a relationship she'd had with an ex was purely sexual towards the end, although they were still classed as together while that was going on (another one of my doubts about her).

 

Anyway, needless to say I'll tell her in no uncertain terms where to go if she ever does try it in the future!

 

Thanks again for the replies

[DustySaltus]

Don't tell her anything. The best response is complete and utter silence.

[xxDayamGirlxx]

i totally disagree - everyone here assumes exes have no soul and only want to feed their egos thru contacting their exes. i disagree SO MANY ppl get back together after they break up , n i'll tell u what NC might be the best way to get over someone but it certainly makes it incredibly difficult to get someone back... if u ignore her long enough she WILL give up. so just think about what u want. loveshack is like a nc cult for the bitter and hurt exes, if u wanna get back with her consider what im saying.

[sean1970]

i totally disagree - everyone here assumes exes have no soul and only want to feed their egos thru contacting their exes. i disagree SO MANY ppl get back together after they break up , n i'll tell u what NC might be the best way to get over someone but it certainly makes it incredibly difficult to get someone back... if u ignore her long enough she WILL give up. so just think about what u want. loveshack is like a nc cult for the bitter and hurt exes, if u wanna get back with her consider what im saying.

 

Fair enough. However, what would you say that the person do when the ex tells them anyone of the following:

 

"Can we still be friends"

"I dont want to date you, but I still want to see you"

"I need space"

"Lets start over with just dating again"

"I love you, but don't think I'm in love with you anymore"

"The spark is gone"

"Its not you, its me"

[DustySaltus]

i totally disagree - everyone here assumes exes have no soul and only want to feed their egos thru contacting their exes. i disagree SO MANY ppl get back together after they break up , n i'll tell u what NC might be the best way to get over someone but it certainly makes it incredibly difficult to get someone back... if u ignore her long enough she WILL give up. so just think about what u want. loveshack is like a nc cult for the bitter and hurt exes, if u wanna get back with her consider what im saying.

 

Let's just think about this for a second. The girl goes out with a guy for 9 months, then gets engaged to someone she was with for two years and then goes out with him. Does she seem to have any clue what she wants right now? No way. So by him initiated NC he is giving himself time to heal and letting her take a step back to see what she really wants.

 

NC is about healing yourself and getting yourself back. If you can't do that first, you'll NEVER be able to give anything to anyone else. Look at some of my old posts. I tried to work things out with her for 3 months and only when I stopped contacting her did I feel any resemblance of myself again.

 

I'm not a bitter man at all. Am I still hurt about what happened to me Absolutely, but do I really want to go down that road again. There's a quote that someone once said on here: "If you EX really loved you, they would NEVER leave you in the first place".

 

You have to let someone miss you and realize what they lost before you ever decide to let them back into your life. I'm not going to beg someone to be with me. I want them to be with me out of love, not out of pity.

[sean1970]

if u ignore her long enough she WILL give up.

 

You have not read the guide; NC is not about totally ignoring them. It is about not initiating contact. If the contact from the ex is going nowhere, and only continues to hurt the dumped, one should ignore them in time... That is what I had to do lest I wanted my emotional diet to only consist of stale breadcrumbs...

[xxDayamGirlxx]

i respect where u both are coming from but i stand by my opinion.

 

have a look at mimiminx 's posts... she got back with her ex and didnt do nc. just saying - consider other options as opposed to nc if u want her back.

[xxDayamGirlxx]

also i did read the guide in which it clearly says nc wont get ur ex back. if ur objective is to get over her forever fine - if the objective is to get back with her reconsider ur approach.

[sean1970]

also i did read the guide in which it clearly says nc wont get ur ex back.

 

Please paste the passage where it states this.

[Ody]

NC after seven weeks of dating? C'mon everyone lighten up. OP doesn't sound heartbroken.

 

Danny, I was with you until that last bit about the "can't imagine doing better." That was probably a dealbreaker. I totally understand why you might send that and still be a reasonable guy without issues - had a drink, feeling a little emotional, whatever - but it just screams "issues" to the woman. In fact it does to a guy as well. if a girl I was dating rather casually (which it sounds like you two were) hit me with that line a while after a breakup, I'd be a little weirded out too.

 

I think you should just move on, try to learn from it, be a little more confident in the future. Everyone says stupid s**t once in a while, worst case here you lost a dating chance or some rebound sex with a nice girl you don't really sound that invested in anyway. Sure it's possible she might have secretly been flattered, come back one day, but why base any of your decisions on such a slim hope?

 

Really you sound like you already know the answers and also good ways to act with women - and you just had a few flubs with this girl. Trust your gut.

[BCCA]

have a look at mimiminx 's posts... she got back with her ex and didnt do nc. just saying - consider other options as opposed to nc if u want her back.

 

There are some extreme circumstances where NC may not be the best thing ever, or neccesary, but as an overall rule, it is the best. (Food for thought: men are also far more likely to come back than women, and every single situation is so different. People DO get back, but more often than not, it doesnt work out and time is wasted)

 

There arent many options for you when the person you love is done with you, and isnt interested in talking about it. What else can you do? Showing up with flowers and her favorite candy might work in a John Cusac movie, but not so much in real life. Youre out of options, your self esteem is gone, and you have lost yourself to dispair.

 

also i did read the guide in which it clearly says nc wont get ur ex back. if ur objective is to get over her forever fine - if the objective is to get back with her reconsider ur approach

 

I can be honest and say that I got about 5-6 'get your ex back' guides. Every single one of them said go NC and them reinitiate contact once you have regained some form of self esteem. They also all stated that waiting for your ex to initiate contact is best, and more often than not, you might just have to move on.

 

Id like to see this guide you saw.

[DannyT85]

Cheers Ody, I'm not heartbroken! Yeh, i knew within a few minutes of sending the 'I can't imagine doing better' text how desperate it sounded!

I had had another drink when i sent the text (by this time Sunday night) and probably wouldn't have sent it if not. That's life i suppose though, I need to learn from mistakes like that! You're right, i've been involved with other girls where they've said serious stuff far too early that has freaked me out and made me back off, don't know why i didn't think of how it would sound to her!

 

As i said in my 2nd post though, I'd really rather not have the rebound sex with her, if i was to take her back, it would be her wanting me back and taking it slow, i had enough meaningless sex at uni.

 

I will trust my gut in future too, and that has prompted another thought...out of curiosity, i wonder how many people have had happy, long term relationships despite at the start having an initial feeling that you aren't suited?? Not many i suppose...