someotherguy Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 I'm not entirely sure why I'm posting this, but I hope someone reads it and gets something positive out of it. I was married for almost 15 years, and have two beautiful children out of it, and they are the only reason I can't wish I had never met my ex wife. I have custody of the children. I found out about my ex's cheating about 5 years ago. Among other trysts, she had cheated on me with my brother, and there's a very good chance my younger child is not mine biologically. The only reason she confessed to her affairs was because her psychiatrist told her too, as she had had a horrible mental breakdown and been hospitalized for a couple months because of it, and her doctor thought part of it was due to her guilt over the way she acted in our marriage. To say I was shocked would be a great understatement. My world was broken apart, as was my heart. I tried for a couple years to use counseling and therapy to help fix what she did to our marriage. I first asked her for a divorce about 3 years ago, but she convinced me to try to work on the marriage again. Yes, apparently I'm a glutton for punishment. She moved into the guest room in our house and sporadically attended marriage counseling with me. Occasionally cheating on me on the side, as I later learned. A year ago, I asked her for divorce again, and she complied. She stayed in the house a couple months to get her act together, and left in March for good. In the end, it came down to the fact that I could not forgive her for her transgressions. I could not forgive her for breaking our vows. I could not forgive her for her disrespect. I could not forgive her for betraying my trust. In retrospect, I can see that I wasted the last 5 years of my life, and I wish I could have them back, but what's done is done. I have done a lot of soul searching in the last year. I have done a lot of talking with friends, family, and people I pay to listen to me and offer feedback. I have spent a lot of time with my children, and I have spent a lot of time alone, becoming 'myself' again. And, during the summer, at the insistence of many people, I began dating again, and I have been seeing a wonderful woman for several months now. I've learned a few very hard lessons. Be honest with yourself, if you know you can't forgive someone for something, don't torture yourself with the knowledge. Move on. Time heals all wounds. Maybe not the way you expect it to, but it does. You have my word on this. Don't forget how to love. Just because someone abused your capacity to love, doesn't mean everyone will. Love is infinite. Love is not a resource you can run out of. Feel free to spend it lavishly, it's a well that doesn't run dry. Unhappy life in a bad relationship is infinitely harder than a happy life as a single parent who works full time. Weird, but true. Thank you for reading my story, telling it here was very cathartic.
Template Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Wow. I must say, that you strength you picked up through these trials and tribulations is completely admirable. You are a shining example of life goes on after a divorce/separation/breakup.
seibert253 Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 SG. Look up devoted or faithful, there you are. You were a wonderful husband to your ex. She was just a POS wife. It wasn't you, it was her. Time is never wasted. You tried, you went above and beyond. Props to you. You were and wonderful husband, and if you wish you will be a great one again.
Blindsidedagainalive Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Thanks for your post. I am 2 years post D-Day and am miserable. Although my WW stopped her affair upon discovery, I still can't get past it. She does try in her own way. She wants to stay. She is nice to me. She is not communicative, and never talks about affair. For me, the hardest part is getting over the sex which when on over 3 months. I obsess about it and it makes me feel inadequate. I would not feel inadequate with another woman, just WW. The hard part is....I hate the time we are together, but miss her when we are apart. It's very confusing. I wonder....if I miss her after a few hours, how could I do it permanently? This is a bit of a T/J, but I appreciate your post.
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