2sure Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Hmmm. I would say, with what Ive learned...that someone who keeps secrets from their spouse...would be more likely to cheat at sometime than one who does not.
2sure Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 I have been a secret keeper. Obviously my cheating H has been a secret keeper. Both of our secret keeping regardless of what the secrets were...kept us from having an honest, open, and intimate relationship that could withstand a crisis or prevent infidelity. Thats my take on it anyway. I'm going to give it a shot next time around.
Author Gabriele Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 If you blog and look at web sites without your SO being able to walk up and peer over your shoulder....you are no longer enjoying privacy, but secrecy. Secrecy destroys intimacy. Never quoted before...hope it works. I totally agree with this!
threebyfate Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Hmmm. I would say, with what Ive learned...that someone who keeps secrets from their spouse...would be more likely to cheat at sometime than one who does not. 2sure, I have to agree with you on this one, especially if it's in combination with an impulsive and/or high-risk taker personality type. Secrets become something to covet, a sense of thrill and a false sense of power.
Spoiled Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 2sure, I have to agree with you on this one, especially if it's in combination with an impulsive and/or high-risk taker personality type. Secrets become something to covet, a sense of thrill and a false sense of power. Define what you consider secrets? I never held secrets until my A.
JamesM Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Define what you consider secrets? Well, as the basis of this thread states...do you keep your membership on LS a secret? I do. Does that hinder my relationship with my wife? I don't think so.
Spark1111 Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Well, as the basis of this thread states...do you keep your membership on LS a secret? I do. Does that hinder my relationship with my wife? I don't think so. If you are posting thoughts and feelings here that you have not shared with her, yes, I believe it does. LS will give you perspective and advice and the sharing of life experiences from others, but it will not give you the necessary tools to communicate your needs to your spouse. Only you and a mutually trusted MC can do that if you want to enact changes in the relationship.
Spark1111 Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Totally disagree. Some cheaters communicated their thoughts and needs to no avail. And yes, "your spouse should be your best friend" so imagine revealing your innermost thoughts and desires to them and they put forth no effort. Lack of interest, lack of attention, lack of quality time, and lack of support and assistance can also contribute to destroying intimacy. Definitely not an excuse to cheat, but do not assume all cheaters never reveal their unhappiness or make suggestions to improve their particular situations. HOW were those thoughts and feelings communicated? What steps were taken to correct or enhance the relationship? Did they commit to MC to gain the necessary skills to do so? Did he ever say anything was a deal breaker for him and that he would need to separate to have his need met elsewhere? Was all the above exhausted? Then why still be married to someone so unfeeling or uncaring?
2sure Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Define what you consider secrets? I never held secrets until my A. See, thats a really good question and the whole idea of creating openness and honesty which leads to a solid and fulfilling marriage and complete commitment. I'm just learning myself, so I cant claim to GET it all yet. But secrets dont have to be big things. In fact, its the opposite because if you have big secrets you already have a problem. Its the little things , the omissions you leave out that can lead to a comfort level and environment of secrecy. Like, both my H and myself did not marry each other until we were 39. We both had a lot of privacy before that, it was natural. Habit. For me, most of my omissions were just things I didnt think anyone including him would be interested in knowing. Things about past relationships, the fact that I cant stand his sister, the amount of money I spend not on me but on my daughter. My emails. My feelings about many things that I felt didnt play apart in the marriage. AND I respected his privacy like it was a wall, as I would anyone Else's. I guess in a healthy relationship - these communications create the transparency. Privacy creates an environment comfortable with secrets, openness and honesty does not. Something like that.
Spoiled Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 HOW were those thoughts and feelings communicated? What steps were taken to correct or enhance the relationship? Did they commit to MC to gain the necessary skills to do so? Did he ever say anything was a deal breaker for him and that he would need to separate to have his need met elsewhere? Was all the above exhausted? Then why still be married to someone so unfeeling or uncaring? I communicated on multiple occasions to my H in regards to my unhappiness. And was very specific. About needing him to spend more quality time with me and described exactly what I meant by quality time. How I needed him to talk with me and have conversations without the t.v., without laptops, and other distractions. I initiated date nights and had to pull teeth at times to get him out. Encouraged my H to have more patience with our children and spend time with them, bought books about parenting and encouraged our activity with marriage ministry at our church. He was not responding to me and it hurt me so much. His work schedule kept him away from home inconsistently. Our children were both under the age of 3 at the time. I suggested MC and SHOULD have been more proactive. For a year, I was hoping things would get better. Maybe it's just his work and family illnesses. There were no signs to that he was cheating. Finally, I gave up(6 months prior to A). I stopped trying and threatened to leave a few times. Got tired of initiating everything and trying to be the "perfect" wife. But still had hope things would get better and tried to be patient. I had nobody to talk too. Unfortunately, I began casually speaking with our male friend, learned he was having a few issues, then began sharing my issues.....Awful mistake. After d-day, my H changed completely. Apologizing for not making the efforts earlier. But still, I should have demanded MC or left. Once in IC and MC, they believe my H went through a period of depression. He was holding so much inward despite my attempts to not only reveal my unhappiness BUT asked questions to how I could make him happier in our M. He would not talk to me. I felt like such a failure in my M because my H did not seem happy with me. Throughout my entire A, I desperately wanted my H to give me what I was receiving from xMM.
GorillaTheater Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Well, as the basis of this thread states...do you keep your membership on LS a secret? I do. Does that hinder my relationship with my wife? I don't think so. I don't think so, either. Besides generally screwing off, I'm here for ideas on how to improve the ways I relate to my wife and kids. I don't expect kudos, but it's a far cry from *harming* my marriage, IMO.
Spark1111 Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 I communicated on multiple occasions to my H in regards to my unhappiness. And was very specific. About needing him to spend more quality time with me and described exactly what I meant by quality time. How I needed him to talk with me and have conversations without the t.v., without laptops, and other distractions. I initiated date nights and had to pull teeth at times to get him out. Encouraged my H to have more patience with our children and spend time with them, bought books about parenting and encouraged our activity with marriage ministry at our church. He was not responding to me and it hurt me so much. His work schedule kept him away from home inconsistently. Our children were both under the age of 3 at the time. I suggested MC and SHOULD have been more proactive. For a year, I was hoping things would get better. Maybe it's just his work and family illnesses. There were no signs to that he was cheating. Finally, I gave up(6 months prior to A). I stopped trying and threatened to leave a few times. Got tired of initiating everything and trying to be the "perfect" wife. But still had hope things would get better and tried to be patient. I had nobody to talk too. Unfortunately, I began casually speaking with our male friend, learned he was having a few issues, then began sharing my issues.....Awful mistake. After d-day, my H changed completely. Apologizing for not making the efforts earlier. But still, I should have demanded MC or left. Once in IC and MC, they believe my H went through a period of depression. He was holding so much inward despite my attempts to not only reveal my unhappiness BUT asked questions to how I could make him happier in our M. He would not talk to me. I felt like such a failure in my M because my H did not seem happy with me. Throughout my entire A, I desperately wanted my H to give me what I was receiving from xMM. Spoiled, that was extremely honest. Thank you. You sound like you went through exactly what I went through with my spouse. But guess who had the affair? He did, and he was also depressed. My resentment is huge. Can you imagine exerting the effort you did, getting no response, but then HE goes out and has an affair? You, too, would be as crazy as I am now. I have often stated on these boards, that if I had crashed into someone at that time in our life, I could have very easily have had an affair. What hurts the most to this day, is not that he developed feelings for someone else. It is that he chose to keep them secret from me: the deception. That why I espouse honest, open communication about EVERYTHING today. I can never be here again.
Snowflower Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Throughout my entire A, I desperately wanted my H to give me what I was receiving from xMM. Thanks for sharing what you wrote, spoiled. Thank you for your honesty. I thought this was interesting what you wrote here so I quoted it specifically. Feeling as you did about your H in the A...(written above) how is your marriage now?
Impudent Oyster Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Just wondering for if anyone here shares this site with their partner? I have been debating it...letting him know how people respond to me and my feelings, or just our situation. Or do you keep this just as a space for you? I don't share it, I need a place where I can discuss his infidelity in private. It's not the kind of thing that you want to talk about even with friends. I don't feel keeping it a secret hurts our relationship...I equate it to writing in a diary. It's important to have someplace where you can express your private thoughts without judgment from people who know you, not every thought has to be shared with your spouse.
Impudent Oyster Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 The question becomes...is it cheating if you lead a secret life on LS without your partner's knowledge? . Not in my opinion.
FreezorBurn Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 NO. She knows how angry I am about what she did and I put here threw alot. I see no need to have her go threw the pain of reading my posts.
angie2443 Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 But secrets dont have to be big things. In fact, its the opposite because if you have big secrets you already have a problem. Its the little things , the omissions you leave out that can lead to a comfort level and environment of secrecy. Like, both my H and myself did not marry each other until we were 39. We both had a lot of privacy before that, it was natural. Habit. For me, most of my omissions were just things I didnt think anyone including him would be interested in knowing. Things about past relationships, the fact that I cant stand his sister, the amount of money I spend not on me but on my daughter. My emails. My feelings about many things that I felt didnt play apart in the marriage. AND I respected his privacy like it was a wall, as I would anyone Else's. I guess in a healthy relationship - these communications create the transparency. Privacy creates an environment comfortable with secrets, openness and honesty does not. Something like that. IMO, they not only create transparency, but also closeness. Keeping secrets creates distance.
threebyfate Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 (edited) I will share one of my H's comments about a thread that I emailed to him, when he was out of town, earlier this year. It was a misogynistic thread, where it was about women demasculating men. His comment was "pussy"! Edited November 20, 2009 by threebyfate
hopeful1980 Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I never showed my husband my posts, but he knows I post here. He found it on my favorites and asked me if it was a dating site! He was worried I was looking for another man!
Spoiled Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 I never showed my husband my posts, but he knows I post here. He found it on my favorites and asked me if it was a dating site! He was worried I was looking for another man! Too funny. My H is already questioning if I had broken NC with xMM due to continuing IC. He reads some threads with me on another website but is not aware I am on this site.
Devil Inside Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 I will never tell my W that I post here. I will never tell my xOW that I post here. This place is where I come to process my emotions and wrestle my demons. Many of the words here would be painful to read for my W and xOW.
Spark1111 Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 DI, HERE is where I come to process the pain! I never got to speak or have closure with the OW in my husband's affair. I came to LS in an attempt to understand the OW/OM's perspective. Initially, I wanted to hate them, but after reading here at LS, could not do so as they, too, were in as much pain as I was. It helped me to heal tremendously. I tell many people about the LS forums. I do not tell them that I post here or what my screen name is....except my husband. We have read many threads together, especially mine, so he understands my process of healing too. It has been painful, but productive, for both of us to do so.
herenow Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 My H knows about this site and knows that I post here. I wouldn't have any problem with him reading what I post since it's all stuff he already knows.
Katerina Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 Just wondering for if anyone here shares this site with their partner? I have been debating it...letting him know how people respond to me and my feelings, or just our situation. Or do you keep this just as a space for you? I offered him to see the site (during an argument), but he wasn't interested... not his thing.
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