Gabriele Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Just wondering for if anyone here shares this site with their partner? I have been debating it...letting him know how people respond to me and my feelings, or just our situation. Or do you keep this just as a space for you?
angie2443 Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 I've only shared one post with my H. It was the first one I wrote. If he wants to read all my posts, he's welcome to it. He knows I post here. Having said that, I would feel really funny if he started posting here. I've seen some couples do that and it just feels odd to me. I don't know why.
GorillaTheater Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 This is a good question. You'll get responses on the importance of sharing everything with a spouse, including the fact that one is posting on this site. I see their point and can't quite disagree with it, but I haven't told my wife I'm here and likely won't. For one, I don't look foward to sharing why I'm here in the first place. Second, this is one place I can be myself without having to be concerned with the feelings of an "audience". Those reasons might not be that good, but there you are.
hopeless4u Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 My MM has been reading my threads and the replies and I've suggested it would be good for him to put a post up as he's as confused as I am. I think its good for all concerned to see all sides of whatever issues they have. Also it makes you tell the truth no matter how much you want to sugar coat things. As the OW I know I will get slated but isn't that the idea? Personally i'm here to make some sense of the emotional mess I have got myself into and hopefully sort it all out with the least amount of fallout for all involved.
JamesM Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 This is a good question. You'll get responses on the importance of sharing everything with a spouse, including the fact that one is posting on this site. I see their point and can't quite disagree with it, but I haven't told my wife I'm here and likely won't. For one, I don't look forward to sharing why I'm here in the first place. Second, this is one place I can be myself without having to be concerned with the feelings of an "audience". Those reasons might not be that good, but there you are. My exact words and thoughts. Well said.
stuckinoz Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 I share many (not all) posts with my husband. We have discussed this forum many times. He thinks I'm 'nuts' for posting here because he sees nothing wrong with our relationship. He thinks that the posts about my infidelity is pointless (says I'm taking it much harder than did) Especially since it was so many years ago. But, Yes, He does know I post here & sometimes I wish he'd jump in & "defend" me when people on here get on their high horses & start tossing stones.....and some toss them at him - when he's not even here to defend himself. But he's not the kind of personality that would come to a forum like this.
Spark1111 Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Yes, I am willing to share it all. I have read to him what I have posted, and have read what others have posted too! He has access to all my accounts and passwords, as I have to his. Guess who is the reluctant one to hear and discuss it all? Him!The WS. Shocker, I know!
anne1707 Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 I came to LS in the aftermath of my affair. My H knew I was posting and he did read my threads (with my prior knowledge and permission - though as a WS there really was no way that I could refuse permission). It was hell for him to read my words but he could also see the progress I was making in coming back to him. It did help our recovery as he saw I was being completely open with him and working my way through the "fog".
seibert253 Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 My FWW knows I'm here. At first she didn't think it was a good idea until I explained the theraputic value for me. Took her awhile, but she understands. I've offered her the chance and told her I have no problem if she reads what I right. Her view is this is my therapy room and it would be wrong for her to read my rants and raves. As far as I know, she's never read anything I've wrote.
Spoiled Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 No, my H is unaware that I am on this site. I am an xMOW and started reading posts after D-day, yet was still in my A. The posters along with IC helped me maintain NC and gave me further insight into my situation and emotions. I have been able to ask questions here and receive assistance on appropriate ways to address certain issues with my spouse. There are certain details about the A that my H never asked me about and says he does not want to know about that I have discussed here. I'll get slammed for this but I do believe people in a certain amount of privacy. Even prior to my A when I was doing absolutely nothing inappropriate, I believe people need some privacy. Goes back to my childhood, teenage, and college years of privacy with my parents(long story). If my H is on the phone or internet, I do not slam him with questions and I refuse to live with someone with whom I have to constantly snoop. My H does not have my passwords to all accounts or cell records. BUT, is aware that at anytime he feels the need to check, I will give him access as I have before up on his requests. Did I like it, he!! no, but I betrayed him and owed him whatever he needed in order to trust me again.
Samantha0905 Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 I'll get slammed for this but I do believe people in a certain amount of privacy. Even prior to my A when I was doing absolutely nothing inappropriate, I believe people need some privacy. Goes back to my childhood, teenage, and college years of privacy with my parents(long story). If my H is on the phone or internet, I do not slam him with questions and I refuse to live with someone with whom I have to constantly snoop. My H does not have my passwords to all accounts or cell records. BUT, is aware that at anytime he feels the need to check, I will give him access as I have before up on his requests. Did I like it, he!! no, but I betrayed him and owed him whatever he needed in order to trust me again. I agree 100%. I will get slammed also from people who think only their way or the highway, but I believe a person has a right to privacy. Good communication and intimacy is one thing, but I reserve the right to keep a part of myself to myself. Sharing everything is just too much for me. I don't want to know every single thing he thinks or feels. And no -- as I'm in the process of moving home and my husband does not know of the affair -- he is not aware of this site. I have asked for his password before -- as he uses a couple for all his different accounts like Netflix, paypal, email, etc. I've never checked his email and don't think he receives anything much via email other than business stuff and forwarded jokes from his friends/employees. I've told him my passwords before to things like my email, our family site, fantasy football, etc. I've never used email as a communication means during the affair. He doesn't check my phone. I don't check his phone. I've never even thought of what he is doing on the internet. He isn't into porn or anything. He's usually watching television shows via netflix. If I'm on the computer at home, it's Facebook, my family's website, or fitness sites -- which I've shown him when I see something humorous, crazy or whatever posted.
eeyore1981 Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 My H knows I'm on here and has read some of my posts in the past. I don't think he gets on here very often, as that would be him taking some initiative to fix our marriage, and that is not how it works with him. In some ways, I wish he didn't know I was on here. Sometimes I feel limited in what I post. I agree up to a point with the privacy thing. I don't like people going through my stuff. I don't like going through other people's stuff. I have never snooped in another's bathroom. On the other hand, that's how my H was able to get away with his affair, because I didn't look at his stuff, even when I thought something was going on. After I found out, I felt like I had to check everything all the time, and it made me feel slimey doing it. I really hate what he has done to us and our marriage. I'm beginning to think there is no fixing this.
Author Gabriele Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 I agree with peoples right to privacy, as other posters have mentioned, but I know with my H, he tells me he is open and now has nothing to hide....he is open to me looking at whatever I need to. In an open and honest relationship, when ws is looking to heal and fix the past, for a future, I would expect nothing less than full disclosure. I think that the ws would do anything and everything in order to regain trust. Now for me.......I have never given any reason to not trust me, I am have nothing to hide and would be willing to share with my H passwords and such, but would be offended if he started snooping without me knowing, because I am trustworthy. I would be fine though if I knew about him looking at my stuff, just not behind my back as if he did not trust me. Strangely I am still undecided as to whether my H should read post here as I think it will deepen his shame for his A, and what he has done to me.
threebyfate Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Of the threads and posts I've shared with my H., most often he just rolls his eyes at my interest in LS. Once in awhile, his observations about threads, cracks me up. And as you've probably figured out, he's not an Internet kind of person or has any interest in relationship sites.
Spoiled Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 My H knows I'm on here and has read some of my posts in the past. I don't think he gets on here very often, as that would be him taking some initiative to fix our marriage, and that is not how it works with him. In some ways, I wish he didn't know I was on here. Sometimes I feel limited in what I post. I agree up to a point with the privacy thing. I don't like people going through my stuff. I don't like going through other people's stuff. I have never snooped in another's bathroom. On the other hand, that's how my H was able to get away with his affair, because I didn't look at his stuff, even when I thought something was going on. After I found out, I felt like I had to check everything all the time, and it made me feel slimey doing it. I really hate what he has done to us and our marriage. I'm beginning to think there is no fixing this. My reason for not wanting H to know I am on this site. For example, the questions regarding A sex. What WS tells the BS how "awesome" the sex was and how the passion was far better than anything you ever experienced? My issue with privacy began with my parents, even once I was 18 and away from home. You will meet hundreds of people in college and they wanted to know every associate/friend I had and I lived on campus hours from home. Was accused of being sneaky all of the time for many reasons. Not introducing men to my family until it was serious, not talking about dates, and so much more. I was extremely irritated with questions of "who was that?" and "where are you going", it drove me nuts. And I was not doing anything in which they would disapprove, but I wanted my privacy. Anytime I met a guy and he acted a tiny bit like that and/or wanted every detail, I ran the other direction. But again, because I was the WS, my H is fully aware that at anytime he feels the need to check my email, cell, I will provide that without any question.
Cobra_X Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 My issue with privacy began with my parents, even once I was 18 and away from home. You will meet hundreds of people in college and they wanted to know every associate/friend I had and I lived on campus hours from home. Was accused of being sneaky all of the time for many reasons. Not introducing men to my family until it was serious, not talking about dates, and so much more. I was extremely irritated with questions of "who was that?" and "where are you going", it drove me nuts. And I was not doing anything in which they would disapprove, but I wanted my privacy. Anytime I met a guy and he acted a tiny bit like that and/or wanted every detail, I ran the other direction. But again, because I was the WS, my H is fully aware that at anytime he feels the need to check my email, cell, I will provide that without any question. That's interesting. In your mind Privacy = Control. I bet that had something to do with your affair as well.
carhill Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 I did, as part of my work in MC, share, and she thought this place was 'nuts'. I think, in reality, she meant that I was 'nuts'. She likely has friends here
JamesM Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Truthfully, if I revealed who I was here, then it would be for the sole purpose of letting her know all that I have done (or thought I had done) to solve our problems. And when?if I did that, then "JamesM" would no longer be an active member. I also know that she would enjoy reading 95% of my posts here. She loves to read what I write (and I am not bragging...her words). However, posting here has been an outlet and a resource for feedback. Knowing that she could (and probably would) read my posts once she knew I was here, would end my ability to freely post my thoughts. So would end the "life" of JamesM. The question becomes...is it cheating if you lead a secret life on LS without your partner's knowledge? My answer would be...it depends on your motivation.
sally4sara Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 My SO knows I post on here. He has read some of the threads so its not a secret or anything. If I had anything really really juicy or complicated to share about my relationship, I'd share it with him rather than this site. Without communication I'm not sure how anyone fixes their relationship problems. Plus I have serious doubts anyone on here would have his views or opinions on any given subject. I usually only call his attention to the threads on here for laughs.
Spoiled Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 That's interesting. In your mind Privacy = Control. I bet that had something to do with your affair as well. Very interesting observation. I felt and/or was more independent away from home, with my privacy. I rarely ask others' personal questions, I will not walk up behind anyone on the computer, I will not question who someone is speaking with on the phone, or snoop through things unless it is absolutely necessary. Just curious, how do you think this had an affect on my A?
Spark1111 Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Because in a good or great marriage, all things are shared. It creates intimacy and renews friendship. If there are things you would tell your best friend, but not your spouse....that's a problem, because in a healthy marriage your spouse should be your best friend. Or if you confide to a co-worker more than your spouse.... Intimacy needs renewing on a daily basis. If you blog and look at web sites without your SO being able to walk up and peer over your shoulder....you are no longer enjoying privacy, but secrecy. Secrecy destroys intimacy. Its a fine line between the two, but since my husband's affair I certainly can tell the difference. Finally now he can too. Sorry for this, but cheaters have certain characteristics in common. They are poor communicators and they avoid confrontation. So as they begin to keep their thoughts and needs to themselves....then their actions....then their attractions to others, then meeting or speaking daily with the object of their attraction....well, the rest is history.
Snowflower Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Sorry for this, but cheaters have certain characteristics in common. They are poor communicators and they avoid confrontation. So as they begin to keep their thoughts and needs to themselves....then their actions....then their attractions to others, then meeting or speaking daily with the object of their attraction....well, the rest is history. Oh, I agree with this. I never saw the 'avoidance issues' in my husband until after his affair. Or more accurately, I never realized he avoided things. And from what I have read here on LS and in other infidelity information sources, avoidance and poor communication is a very common characteristic among cheaters. My husband has these characteristics to a T, but he is getting more self-aware and is working on it. There is nothing like having a spouse avoiding issues in a relationship, then cheating at least in part as a result of avoiding. And then the cheater has to 'face up' to what they have done to the relationship, where then avoidance is almost impossible. Doesn't make much sense when the whole cheating scenario could have been 'avoided' with a little honesty. (no pun intended!) Back to the topic of the thread...my H knows I post here but doesn't read what I post. This type of communication-internet forums-is so not his thing. But I am honest and tell him he can look any time at what I write. He is simply not interested.
Spoiled Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Because in a good or great marriage, all things are shared. It creates intimacy and renews friendship. If there are things you would tell your best friend, but not your spouse....that's a problem, because in a healthy marriage your spouse should be your best friend. Or if you confide to a co-worker more than your spouse.... Intimacy needs renewing on a daily basis. If you blog and look at web sites without your SO being able to walk up and peer over your shoulder....you are no longer enjoying privacy, but secrecy. Secrecy destroys intimacy. Its a fine line between the two, but since my husband's affair I certainly can tell the difference. Finally now he can too. Sorry for this, but cheaters have certain characteristics in common. They are poor communicators and they avoid confrontation. So as they begin to keep their thoughts and needs to themselves....then their actions....then their attractions to others, then meeting or speaking daily with the object of their attraction....well, the rest is history. Totally disagree. Some cheaters communicated their thoughts and needs to no avail. And yes, "your spouse should be your best friend" so imagine revealing your innermost thoughts and desires to them and they put forth no effort. Lack of interest, lack of attention, lack of quality time, and lack of support and assistance can also contribute to destroying intimacy. Definitely not an excuse to cheat, but do not assume all cheaters never reveal their unhappiness or make suggestions to improve their particular situations.
2sure Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Sure, some cheaters tried to communicate their needs. Some. Words like totally, all, etc, have no place when talking about people. But: "Cheater" implies what it is - NOT revealing, NOT being honest, hiding something. Some people are capable of cheating and some are not. Often they have a comfort level with keeping secrets. Goes with the territory. Thats why they are called cheaters.
JamesM Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Some people are capable of cheating and some are not. Often they have a comfort level with keeping secrets. So it is true that all cheaters keep secrets. This is a given. However, is it then logical too say that all who keep secrets from their spouses are also cheaters?
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