JellyTot Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 OK, so I'm trying online dating. I see a few guys I like, but I have no idea WHY I like them - I'm trying to pick this apart in my own head. For example, I see a guy who's OK looking, he has a PhD and a decent job, no kids, plus it sounds from his profile like we might have something in common - maybe HE has even messaged ME, so I know he's interested. But am I interested in him? Nope, no way. Why not? I have no idea. On paper he seems to have pretty much what I'm looking for, but when I look at his perfectly nice photos and profile I just don't feel a sense of excitement about meeting him. Then there's another guy, who perhaps isn't so good looking as the first guy - maybe he's a bit older or a bit less educated, or has less of a good career and less income, or sounds to have less in common with me - but I look at his profile and I go WOW and I really want to meet him. I really have no understanding of this phenomenon, which is the same as saying I don't really understand myself. I had a message from a guy who was nice looking, who owned his own business and earned over $200k, and he wrote me a very nice email which sounded like we had stuff in common - so why wasn't I interested? Then there was another guy who was no better looking than the first, who lived in a little cottage and only had a part-time job so he had time to indulge his interest in sculpture - him I had the hots for. There was another artist who also messaged me - better looking than the previous guy, more successful, keen to meet me and loads of stuff in common - nope, I wasn't interested. Neither was I interested in the veterinarian with the model good looks, or the hot young doctor - but I really liked the (less handsome, less wealthy) lawyer who studied karate and liked popcorn. I have absolutely no idea what's going on in my head, or why I like some guys and not others - and it's difficult to narrow down my search when I don't even know what makes me attracted to a guy. I know that some of the time I eliminate guys by "not attracted physically", "not intellectually compatible", "unsuccessful" - so why didn't I eliminate Artist-Guy-with-Part Time-Job as being unsuccessful? Why didn't I go for the hot veterinarian or doctor, but I liked the lawyer guy who earned less money? If looks are important to me, why do I sometimes prefer the less-handsome guys? I'm totally confused by myself
betamanlet Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 OK, so I'm trying online dating. I see a few guys I like, but I have no idea WHY I like them - I'm trying to pick this apart in my own head. For example, I see a guy who's OK looking, he has a PhD and a decent job, no kids, plus it sounds from his profile like we might have something in common - maybe HE has even messaged ME, so I know he's interested. But am I interested in him? Nope, no way. Why not? I have no idea. On paper he seems to have pretty much what I'm looking for, but when I look at his perfectly nice photos and profile I just don't feel a sense of excitement about meeting him. Then there's another guy, who perhaps isn't so good looking as the first guy - maybe he's a bit older or a bit less educated, or has less of a good career and less income, or sounds to have less in common with me - but I look at his profile and I go WOW and I really want to meet him. I really have no understanding of this phenomenon, which is the same as saying I don't really understand myself. I had a message from a guy who was nice looking, who owned his own business and earned over $200k, and he wrote me a very nice email which sounded like we had stuff in common - so why wasn't I interested? Then there was another guy who was no better looking than the first, who lived in a little cottage and only had a part-time job so he had time to indulge his interest in sculpture - him I had the hots for. There was another artist who also messaged me - better looking than the previous guy, more successful, keen to meet me and loads of stuff in common - nope, I wasn't interested. Neither was I interested in the veterinarian with the model good looks, or the hot young doctor - but I really liked the (less handsome, less wealthy) lawyer who studied karate and liked popcorn. I have absolutely no idea what's going on in my head, or why I like some guys and not others - and it's difficult to narrow down my search when I don't even know what makes me attracted to a guy. I know that some of the time I eliminate guys by "not attracted physically", "not intellectually compatible", "unsuccessful" - so why didn't I eliminate Artist-Guy-with-Part Time-Job as being unsuccessful? Why didn't I go for the hot veterinarian or doctor, but I liked the lawyer guy who earned less money? If looks are important to me, why do I sometimes prefer the less-handsome guys? I'm totally confused by myself You're probably attracted to drama, and find the more stable type of less less interesting to you because they don't provide as much drama.
Ms. Joolie Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 I think it has to do with intuition. You intuitively know what you want. Your logical brain may be attracted to the great looks/profile, but your intuition has its say and attracts you to what you want, but from a different perspective. It'd be interesting to note what you are intuitively attracted to.
carhill Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 I saw thousands of women on my recent trip overseas. Talked to a fair amount. Can't think of one I found attractive. That tells me I've got a long ways to go before I'm ready to date. OP, the answers are in the mirror. TBH, if I were you, I'd have a basic 'list' of criteria which interest me (few of the ones you spoke of would be on that list BTW) and then meet as many of the people who fit that list in real life. Don't get caught up in profiles and details. Press flesh
thegreatmoose Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 OK, so I'm trying online dating. I see a few guys I like, but I have no idea WHY I like them - I'm trying to pick this apart in my own head. For example, I see a guy who's OK looking, he has a PhD and a decent job, no kids, plus it sounds from his profile like we might have something in common - maybe HE has even messaged ME, so I know he's interested. But am I interested in him? Nope, no way. Why not? I have no idea. On paper he seems to have pretty much what I'm looking for, but when I look at his perfectly nice photos and profile I just don't feel a sense of excitement about meeting him. Then there's another guy, who perhaps isn't so good looking as the first guy - maybe he's a bit older or a bit less educated, or has less of a good career and less income, or sounds to have less in common with me - but I look at his profile and I go WOW and I really want to meet him. I really have no understanding of this phenomenon, which is the same as saying I don't really understand myself. I had a message from a guy who was nice looking, who owned his own business and earned over $200k, and he wrote me a very nice email which sounded like we had stuff in common - so why wasn't I interested? Then there was another guy who was no better looking than the first, who lived in a little cottage and only had a part-time job so he had time to indulge his interest in sculpture - him I had the hots for. There was another artist who also messaged me - better looking than the previous guy, more successful, keen to meet me and loads of stuff in common - nope, I wasn't interested. Neither was I interested in the veterinarian with the model good looks, or the hot young doctor - but I really liked the (less handsome, less wealthy) lawyer who studied karate and liked popcorn. I have absolutely no idea what's going on in my head, or why I like some guys and not others - and it's difficult to narrow down my search when I don't even know what makes me attracted to a guy. I know that some of the time I eliminate guys by "not attracted physically", "not intellectually compatible", "unsuccessful" - so why didn't I eliminate Artist-Guy-with-Part Time-Job as being unsuccessful? Why didn't I go for the hot veterinarian or doctor, but I liked the lawyer guy who earned less money? If looks are important to me, why do I sometimes prefer the less-handsome guys? I'm totally confused by myself Try dating some of these guys. You can't tell much by an online profile. You can get a better idea of what you want by meeting all different types of guys. You have many great qualities that many guys will like. However, this not knowing what you want may be a huge turnoff to many of them. Once you start figuring out more of what you want, this problem will go away.
Author JellyTot Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 It'd be interesting to note what you are intuitively attracted to. That's what I'm trying to figure out! Tall guys (6ft plus) with a nice smile seem to be a common theme, as well as guys with a little bit of facial or body hair and a bit of meat on their bones (the slim and model-perfect boys are not for me). The guys I'm picking out tend to sound smart but not too full of themselves, and income isn't a huge issue as long as they seem to be managing ok. Extremely rich guys put me off because I have a fairly relaxed lifestyle and wouldn't be as driven as they are - I want a guy to hang out with, not a rich and ambitious guy who's always at work. I seem to be picking out guys who are a bit outdoorsy too, who like walking and biking etc, and guys who also seem a bit cultured. It's very revealing in terms of what I actually like in a guy - I didn't even realise this stuff until I looked for common themes among the guys who catch my attention or turn me off!
Ms. Joolie Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 That's what I'm trying to figure out! Tall guys (6ft plus) with a nice smile seem to be a common theme, as well as guys with a little bit of facial or body hair and a bit of meat on their bones (the slim and model-perfect boys are not for me). The guys I'm picking out tend to sound smart but not too full of themselves, and income isn't a huge issue as long as they seem to be managing ok. Extremely rich guys put me off because I have a fairly relaxed lifestyle and wouldn't be as driven as they are - I want a guy to hang out with, not a rich and ambitious guy who's always at work. I seem to be picking out guys who are a bit outdoorsy too, who like walking and biking etc, and guys who also seem a bit cultured. It's very revealing in terms of what I actually like in a guy - I didn't even realise this stuff until I looked for common themes among the guys who catch my attention or turn me off! Very, very interesting. I highlighted the qualities that go beyond looks and income that you mentioned. It sounds then like when you see a picture of an outdoorsy guy, you relate to him on that level. And other photos will make you think about sharing a relaxed lifestyle with someone, or just a guy to hang out with. Obviously, the photo isn't telling you these things. It's the impression the photo is making on you, but still, it's notable. I should do that! I should note down these deeper qualities that I find attractive, which are basically the same as yours. And that "impression" is there when you meet in person, of course. Like all these voices in your head that go "oh I like that because it reminds of this." Or "I like this quality because it makes me think he'll that." So maybe that's the bigger picture. Certain guys impress you, and your intuition picks up on it. Definitely date the impressive guys and find out what you can with that. Don't just stick to profiles/great looks.
Krytie TV Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Online ads take the emotion out of everything. Is your attraction to men purely statistical? I doubt. Haven't you ever had an experience where you were around someone that you might not have been attracted to on paper, but that made you feel all fuzzy just by being around him? The reason online dating is so annoying is because it is impossible for two people who might otherwise have face-to-face chemistry to actually meet because it's like christmas shopping. Everyone only wants the best goodies on the shelves. I think you need to make an attempt to meet some of these people who appear to be "what you're looking for" even if some stupid picture doesn't make you cream yourself. You never know what will happen face-to-face. Otherwise, you're setting yourself up for a mediocre dating pool.
cognac Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Seems that the thing that makes jellytot hot is being 6 feet tall or over .
Author JellyTot Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 Seems that the thing that makes jellytot hot is being 6 feet tall or over . LOL In the past I've dated a range of guys from 5ft 6ins (shorter than me) to 6ft 3ins, and I have to admit that the taller guys were the ones who I was more physically attracted to. There's obviously something about a guy towering over me that makes me go weak at the knees That's not to say I won't date a shorter guy (I have done before and would do again) but when an interesting profile also says 6ft plus I automatically go OOOOHH
sumdude Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 LOL In the past I've dated a range of guys from 5ft 6ins (shorter than me) to 6ft 3ins, and I have to admit that the taller guys were the ones who I was more physically attracted to. There's obviously something about a guy towering over me that makes me go weak at the knees That's not to say I won't date a shorter guy (I have done before and would do again) but when an interesting profile also says 6ft plus I automatically go OOOOHH Just don't be too surprised if the advertising on the dating site doesn't quite match the product. Men often inflate height while women tend to deflate weight. There's something about that magic 6 foot number. So if a guy is 5' 9" or 5' 10" he'll often just put in the profile stats I'm six feet tall.
Author JellyTot Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 Online ads take the emotion out of everything. Is your attraction to men purely statistical? I doubt. Haven't you ever had an experience where you were around someone that you might not have been attracted to on paper, but that made you feel all fuzzy just by being around him? Yeah, of course. I was crazy in love with a guy who was 5ft 10ins and 220 pounds (so quite overweight for his height, and it was fat not muscle), completely bald (shaved his head because he lost his hair), and never even finished his college degree. But he was very charismatic and confident, we had a lot in common, and he made me feel beautiful and special (until he cheated on me). He was successful in his career and popular with everyone he met, fun to be with, and the way he looked at me like I was the only woman in the world just made me melt. But I'm the first to admit that if I'd seen him on a dating site I'd immediately have turned him down on the basis of looks. I admit that online dating isn't ideal, but what else can you do if you're busy with work and are temporarily stuck in a crappy place because of your job?
eiithan Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Having a good vibe/feeling an attraction is a good point to start, but don't put too much expectation based on the dating profile alone. I have seen many people who got excited at their first try at online dating, and became gradually discontent from learning that what people portray as who they are online is not the same as what they are right now in real life. You can question the Whys after meeting the person.
Author JellyTot Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 Just don't be too surprised if the advertising on the dating site doesn't quite match the product. Men often inflate height while women tend to deflate weight. There's something about that magic 6 foot number. So if a guy is 5' 9" or 5' 10" he'll often just put in the profile stats I'm six feet tall. I wouldn't mind if he's actually 5'9" or 5'10" - as long as he's not shorter than me. I'd probably tease him about not telling the truth but his height wouldn't put me off dating him unless he was actually shorter than me. At the same time, I won't deny that the magic 6' elicits an OOOO response from me because I know for a fact that tall guys make me weak at the knees, and if he's written it in his profile there's obviously a chance that he MIGHT be that tall.
sally4sara Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 You might read something interesting or off putting, but till you see them on action it is all to be questioned and hard to answer. You don't know if the things they right are true, false, maybe somewhere in the middle.... Its like going to a new restaurant. A dish might sound good but when served - not so much what you thought. Likewise, the person across from you could order something that sounded gross, but if they gave you a taste - might be much better than you thought. Date all of them! If any of them go straight to your thighs it'll be nicer than a fatty meal! And at least if you find you don't like any of them, you might find a theme in that that could help you keep looking. Beyond that, look at how you described yourself in your profile. What are your values? How do the men who contact you fit into your values? Preferences can change over time, but your values (if they matter now) are not as capricious.
thegreatmoose Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 (edited) Just don't be too surprised if the advertising on the dating site doesn't quite match the product. Men often inflate height while women tend to deflate weight. There's something about that magic 6 foot number. So if a guy is 5' 9" or 5' 10" he'll often just put in the profile stats I'm six feet tall. If someone lies about physical appearance, they are likely to be caught on the 1st date. I can only speak for myself, but it would be a huge red flag if I caught a woman lying in her profile. I'd think what else is she lying about. Edited November 16, 2009 by thegreatmoose
sumdude Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 If someone lies about physical appearance, they are likely to be caught on the 1st date. I can only speak for myself, but it would be a huge red flag if I caught a woman lying in her profile. I'd think what else is she lying about. Absolutely, the point of my post was to inform jellytot of somewhat common practices on dating sites. Frustrating thing is that once you get to the first date you've already invested some time.
Johnny M Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Women are emotional and inherently illogical beings. Trying to figure out why you're attracted to one guy and not to another is like trying to understand how a dog decides which tree to pee on.
stepka Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 I saw thousands of women on my recent trip overseas. Talked to a fair amount. Can't think of one I found attractive. That tells me I've got a long ways to go before I'm ready to date. That's funny b/c I'm not ready to date either, but I find all kinds of men attractive--it's like being a kid in a candy store--probably b/c I was out of circulation for so long, and out of love w/ my husband for a pretty long time too, though I never looked when married. When I did do a short stint of computer dating last spring, when I thought I might be ready, my tastes were all over the place too, but interestingly, when I was attracted to a man online, I was in person also, and when I wasn't so excited I was usually right about that too--maybe we're just very intuitive, Jellytot.
V.Vixen Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 I give most online guys a shot if we get along. You'd be surprised how many attractive guys are a snoozefest in person, and how many "ehhh" men turn out to be completely charming in person.
cognac Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 (edited) LOL In the past I've dated a range of guys from 5ft 6ins (shorter than me) to 6ft 3ins, and I have to admit that the taller guys were the ones who I was more physically attracted to. There's obviously something about a guy towering over me that makes me go weak at the knees That's not to say I won't date a shorter guy (I have done before and would do again) but when an interesting profile also says 6ft plus I automatically go OOOOHH LOL, women They're the only ones who can have an orgasm just by looking at a guy's driver's license: "Height: 6'1" :love::love::love: I can't think of a single physical trait in a woman that makes me go OOHHHHHHHH. I hope I can one day be reincarnated as a woman so I can know what is so mind blowing about guys who are 6 feet tall. Almost all my friends are 6 feet or more and honestly, they are just regular guys like me not super heroes or godmen. It must be similar to how the Aztecs saw the Spanish Conquistadors when they interacted for the first time. "We're not worthy" Edited November 16, 2009 by cognac
Author JellyTot Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 I think it has something to do with feeling feminine and protected when a girl (e.g. me) is in the company of a tall guy. It's a huge turn-on. Liking guys with a bit of muscle is probably an extension of that - I guess in evolutionary terms, women are wired to seek out a guy who can take care of them. Maybe guys feel the same about slim, feminine women? It must suck being a short guy, because you can't so easily tap into that instinct to create attraction. Fat, unattractive, or otherwise unfeminine girls probably have the other end of the raw deal - although they can slim and try to be more feminine, but short guys can't grow.
Devil Inside Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 It sounds as if you also like guys that are genuine and confident. Alot of the guys that look good on paper are trying to hard. I'm sure you read their profile and it sounds all the same. They probably even start looking the same after awhile. Guys that are their own guy, that are confident yet grounded (AKA not arrogant), are usually a turn on to most women...even if they are not super attractive.
Author JellyTot Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 It sounds as if you also like guys that are genuine and confident. Alot of the guys that look good on paper are trying to hard. I'm sure you read their profile and it sounds all the same. They probably even start looking the same after awhile. Guys that are their own guy, that are confident yet grounded (AKA not arrogant), are usually a turn on to most women...even if they are not super attractive. Yeah, I'm not so hung up on physical characteristics as long as I find the guy somewhat attractive (I know I said I like tall guys etc, but I'm flexible if I like someone's personality). It kind of puts me off if the guy is bragging like "I earn $200k, and I'm qualified as a surgeon but I quit because I could make more money in property". It also puts me off if he states things like "no fatties", or "don't bother contacting me unless you're a perfect ten", or "if you're a supermodel with an IQ of 250 then contact me!" It just makes me feel that even if he did like me, he'd value me for attributes other than my personality, plus he'd probably be really harsh on any minor imperfections and not very easygoing. Same with guys who message me despite having absolutely nothing in common - I know they only liked my face and not my personality - and the same goes for guys who give themselves flirty names and sound like players. So I guess that means I am looking for someone genuine.
AD1980 Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 It must suck being a short guy, because you can't so easily tap into that instinct to create attraction. Gee thanks for that,your so flattering:rolleyes: Maybe to get women we can trick a few of these women into actually beleiving you can be slighty sort and still atyrractive because obviouasly its an impossiblity accoridng to you
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