How to make NC work?

[zepland]

Hi to all of you who are so kind to read on and hopefully give me

your point of view.

 

So, I was in LDR for 4 months with a girl. We fell in love pretty

quick and we were quite crazy about eachother, then I was

dumped. Reasons are multiple, mostly because of the fact

that I very unhappy with my life and I was trying to find

comfort in someone else`s love.

 

Although she dumped me, she wanted to stay in touch with

me, she said I was a keeper and did not want to lose me.

From then on we kept talking sometimes on the phone and

in one drunk call she told me: " I think I am in love with you

still. Why do not you get a normal job and marry me?"

I ignored the exact meaning of the words and I took it as

a token of love and a sign that she was still not sure about

her feelings about us.

 

2 days after we decided to meet up for coffee. I declared

my love for her and told her that I wanted a future with her.

She was not sure and we agreed that we would have kept

in touch and see how things would have developed.

 

THEN, I made a mistake! HUGE. The day after I was feeling

down, I felt that she was not interested, I phoned a good

(not to so good now!) friend of mine and SHE ADVISED me

to CALL HER up and say the most horrible stuff to her, so

to HURT HER.

I did not know what I was doing. I did call her up and HUNG

up on her. Then I realised what I had done.

( I CANT BELIEVE I DID THAT). I tried to apologise by text,

called her a dozen times the same day, still no success...

with every text I was writing I was only making things worse.

 

Then after 2 days of NC, she texted me: " I am not mad

at you though. Everything is all right but we are not keeping

in touch".

 

Since that text, 3 months ago, I never tried to contact her.

nothing! I disappeared from planet earth. I have respected

her wish.

 

Many times I have thought about writing an explanation,

but I have never done it. She was right and I certainly not

blame her, but actually validate her reaction, it shows that

she knows she can not take this kind of behaviour from a

man and I RESPECT her for that.

 

I feel though that the only way to re-establish a rapport is

to write her a short email,not declaring my undying love, but

simply explaining to her what happened.

 

In this last 3 months I have dated ALOT. I have met many

women, and have had a lot of fun. Still, my heart is always

with her and I AM in love.

 

I feel that even if she felt like calling me, she would not because

of past behaviour. So I think in this case NC can not work until

I make her feel that

I know what I have done... A BIG MESS.

 

what can I do?

 

thank you all

[CaliGuy]

You can read the two links in my signature for starts. Then post here if you have any questions.

[sean1970]

You can read the two links in my signature for starts. Then post here if you have any questions.

 

CaliGuy, you have a rather long post history. Are any of your breakups documented in any?

[zepland]

Hi - So I have been listening to a lot of beta and alpha waves

and certainly this has helped me in gaining the right insight about this whole thing, so I am just going to answer myself. ;-)

 

Yes, the purpose of NC, as I understand it, is to stop any contact

to facilitate the removal and detachment of the person YOU WANT,

but that does NOT want you back. Simple and Clear.

 

I think that many people use NC indefinitely with the intention of

eventually getting a call back, but that only brings up false hope.

 

NC can be also used to detach emotionally from the loved ones, so

that at a later time a new approach to the loved one may be used.

Although, there is a very good chance that the person who dumped

you will still reject as you a lover, unless the real reasons of the break-up are

resolved.

 

In my case, although the actual CLOSURE was due to my neediness

and bad behaviour, the real reasons for break-up are quite different.

 

When I was a nice sweet guy she dumped me.

She dumped me and still wanted to see once more. When we last

saw each=other she said to me clearly: You are a friend!.

THEN but only then I treated her badly and offended her, I gave

her the perfect excuse to GIVE ME proper closure.

 

Instead of focusing on single events, I have forgotten to look

at the bigger picture. And the bigger picture is that she was not

in love with me anymore and there was nothing I could do to have her mind changed.

 

Yes, I could apologise and all, I could say that I know I behaved bad.

But why? wots the point? that may work and I may speak to her,

but still she does not love me. I may have her back as a friend,

but I DO not want her a FRIEND, she is not my friend.

She is the woman I love, and if one thing I may want is her love, nothing else.

 

So my advice to myself is: Look at the bigger picture. Know what you

really want and NEVER settle for something in the middle because

of you fear of not being able of getting what you want.

 

If you want someone, tell them and ACT on it.

If you love someone, tell them and ACT on it.

Fear of rejection is only a fear of rejecting ourselves.

If I love myself I have no fear of loving anyone and mostly I have no

fear of not being loved back. It is their problem not mine.

 

Again in my case, I loved her. She did not loved me anymore.

 

I hear many people say: "do not tell someone you love them,

because that will only push them further away". It may be true if you say it

more than ONCE, but if you say ONCE from the heart and stay silence, you will give that person time to understand if she wants to love you back or not.

 

I think ACTION on true PURPOSE is the KEY to progress in life.

Edited November 17, 2009 by zepland

[CaliGuy]

CaliGuy, you have a rather long post history. Are any of your breakups documented in any?

 

Not that I remember -- but the guides that I have posted here were a product of the breakup that brought me to LS.

 

If you have specific questions, feel free to send me a PM.

Edited November 17, 2009 by CaliGuy

[zepland]

So after 4 months of NC and after I was told :

" We are not keeping in touch anymore", I found the strenght

to call the girl I still like and guess what, she answered and was very glad to

hear from me.

 

Here is a lesson for me. Do not let anyone tell you what to do.

Listen to yourself and decide what you want, then act on it,

we create our own reality.

 

The biggest obstacle I found before calling the girl was fear.

Fear is natural but often can hold you back. I did some meditation

before making the call and I put the fear aside. Learn meditation,

it is so good for you.

 

Also before making the call I detached myself from the outcome.

I vividly imagined the outcome I wanted from the call, but I accepted

that if it went wrong I would have not been affected by it, in any way.

 

Also, it is VITAL to put yourself in the right frame of mind before

making the call (or making any decision). Think about a moment

of your life that was perfect. Now, feel what you were feeling

in that moment, live that moment as if it was now. When you are

in that perfect frame of mind, any decision you will make is a perfect decision.

 

Hence, any action that comes from a desperate frame of mind will be

a desperate action, any action that come from a sad frame of mind

will be a sad action, any action that comes from a serene frame of mind

will be a serene action and so and so forth.

 

Think about it. Your own world is a projection of your thoughts,

your entire universe is a mirror of the state of your mind.

We create our own life. ;-)

 

and as Einstein said once:

"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen"

 

Love knows no rules, Life knows no rule. You make your own.

 

The secret is Courage.

 

all the best