Template Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 How many of you subscribe to the the thought that in order to properly move on, you need to forgive the person that done you wrong? I am trying really really hard, but for this one ex, I'm really having a hard time to forgive her. Maybe it's the severity of her wrongdoing... Anyways, I just found out that she just got a new job. She's been out of work for a little over a year, and I'm glad she found one, albeit a short term contract. I have been in NC all up to this point (11 mos), but when I saw her linkedin update that she had a new job, I just felt compelled to to congratulate her. I just sent her a quick email "Congratulation on the new job. I'm sure it will lead to bigger and better things for you. Take care!" I hope, this is a true start to the forgiveness process, as I really don't need negative feelings like this in my life. Am I wrong for doing this?? Anyways, let me ask you guys this... Have you TRULY forgiven the person that broke your heart? If you did, how long did it take, and at what point did it just hit you: I'll forgive this person and what he/she did to me?"
nobleguy Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Anyways, let me ask you guys this... Have you TRULY forgiven the person that broke your heart? Not my first love no, and that was over twelve years ago now. I think it will be the same for the current ex unfortunately...
onewillburn Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 I've only had my heart broken once (I'd even venture to say I've only been in "love" once), and I can't say I'm at the point where I can forgive her. I believe you can still move on and heal without having technically forgiven the other person, because you eventually reach this stage of indifference where you're not really thinking about them anyway. Should the person return to your life for some reason, I guess your feelings on the situation (such as whether or not you've forgiven him or her) could come into play and affect how you deal with it. I don't think you have to try to forgive somebody in a case like ours. It'll happen in time, I'm sure. But probably as the result of that indifference I was talking about, rather than a sudden change of perspective.
Thebob Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Eff no, I prolly won't be able to forgive my ex because I really don't see myself as that type of person. Maybe I am not strong enough, or maybe what she did was so shocking that I can't ever look at her the same if I ever see her again. The only time I might be able to forgive this girl is when I die, when I'm not conscious anymore. Thebob
leap83 Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 (edited) I believe that forgiving people is the way to move on. I'm also a strong believer that you never really move on until you have forgiven. That being said, it took me a year to forgive my ex of 4 yrs for everything that he did. I forgave him completely - no hard feelings, resentment, anger. I can say that right now I can be friends with him - and yes, we're friends. One of the things I've learned in the past couple of months is to truly let go of the past. For that you need to come to an understanding as to why something played out the way it did, then accept it and then forgive. My most recent relationship failed because I didn't forgive my ex - it kept haunting me and I kept having these insecurities and trust issues. When the most recent relationship ended, I went back into therapy, re-focused and started to forgive. I got into touch with my ex since he's been wanting to get into touch with me for a couple of months now, he apologized, I apologized and now, I feel at complete peace with myself. The negative feelings and grudges just hold you back. I found a way to forgive my ex (I don't know what your ex did but mine cheated and emotionally abused me as well as disrespected me). You have to find a way to forgive - something that works for you. You'll know that you have forgiven them when you look at them and you wish them the best and cheer them on. But it takes a lot of strength and gut to do something like that. Edited November 16, 2009 by leap83
Odyssey Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Depends on the severity. Also depends on your definition, be it holding no hatred and ill-will towards your ex or some sort of reconciliation/mercy (often requires the ex to be sorry for what they've done). But in time, i think i can still move on with my life, without forgiveness. More important is to forgive yourself.
Author Template Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 More important is to forgive yourself. You know, I always wondered what this really meant. What is it that I have to forgive myself for? The fact that against all my better judgments, I allowed myself to be in a position to be hurt by this person?
Odyssey Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Only if you think you have truly done something wrong or made a mistake. Then yes, you have to forgive yourself in order to move on. Whether or not you forgive others like your ex, eventually won't really matter because they will become distant memories; the past. I'm not saying you will forget, you won't! But you'll be less affected, in time.
teanoranges Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 I agree with odyssey that they will become past memories. My ex really is a great guy and I can't ever see him getting worse.. only better. Its tough because I do/did love him soo much, I wanted to just cradle all his fears away and be a strongpoint for him. I understand him enough to know he's got a big heart and its not exactly his fault that he fell out of love. What would you do if you were with someone and the feelings stopped? How could you handle that? I always try to see his point of view, and as much as I hate it, I can only hope the best for him and I know he'll be happy in life... he's got so much to live for. I don't really like mainstream music, but seriously Kelly Clarkson's song 'Already Gone' is really how I feel right now. I know we can never be friends, because I think as soon as I'd see him, I'd love him again. So, I've chosen to stay out of his life. I know I'll forget him (not truly forget, but you know what I mean) and my life will go on. Who knows, I might find someone better matched for me? I just let them go and hope life gives me a helping hand with not thinking about it anymore.
Ronni_W Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 I am trying really really hard, but for this one ex, I'm really having a hard time to forgive her. Template, Author Lewis B. Smedes suggests that we are at forgiveness if we can genuinely wish the other person well. By that definition...looks like you are there!!! Congrats :bunny:
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