Is anyone happy being the OW

[her_halo_slipped]

I've read so many posts now and it has me thinking "Are there any people out there involved in affairs that are happy?". Surely not everyone involved in an affair is in emotional turmoil. I would like to hear your thoughts on this and whether anyone is or has been involved in an affair where they were satisfied and happy with the relationship. Surely not everyone involved in an affair wants the OP to leave their M and commit to them? If so and happy affairs do exist what was the outcome? Did things just fizzle out? Has anyone remained friends with the OP? Did you get caught? Is it ongoing? Please don't respond with judgements but just your personal experiences.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

i was very very happy during my affair. we never wanted to leave for each other, the boundaries were understood and it worked great. i probably was happier during those years than any time in my life.

 

we were always waiting for things to fizzle out. that was our "plan". that we would fizzle out and leave with happy memories. didnt happen that way. we were caught, it was terrible, he threw me under the bus and broke my heart. and since that day i wonder if i'll ever be happy again.

[goldfinger991]

MBEG

 

I suggest you tell your husband how happy you were during the affair.

 

You need to put him out of his misery!

[mybrowneyedgirl]

actually he knows. he was living with me during that time. and he knows the feelings that i had for the xmm.

 

sorry, im not going to sugar coat the truth. if i wasnt happy in my affair it wouldnt have continued for as long as it did. my husband was at one time a trusting man, but he was never a stupid one. if i told him anything different he would know that i was lying.

[RedDevil66]

I thought I was happy, but what I thought was happy was denial and a deep fear.

 

It's only when it was over did I realize, I was not happy being the cheater

[goldfinger991]

MBEG

having read your posts, I can't for the life of me work out why your husband is still with you, save for the kids. Suggest you brace yourself for the mother of all revenge affairs.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

red - i'm right there with you. after the fact i dont know wtf i was thinking to willingly put myself in the position of the OW. its a very demeaning role. and someone who loved me wouldnt have allowed me to be treated like that or to let myself expect less than the best.

 

even with all of that, how it ended, what i know now. i still was happy. maybe it was that whole hormonal, fog, addiction high that people talk about. but it still was a happy time.

 

and did i say a word about how i feel now? no. dont make inferences about my life or my husband. thats not what we were talking about here. someone asked a question about feelings during the affair.

 

so stop threadjacking and get to the point. im also pretty sure that for someone who's been active for 2 years and only has 4 posts (two of which are to me) that youre probably under multiple screen names or something of the sort. if you choose to comment on the original post, then do so. if not, i dont need your personal attacks.

Edited November 16, 2009 by mybrowneyedgirl

[jj33]

I was very happy for about a year. When I stopped being happy I ended it. Not so happy afterwards when and less happy about the aftermath with every passing day.

 

But while i was in it? very very happy. Actually cant remember ever being happier.

[Brokenlady]

I was happy for about 6 months. Then the reality of the limitation of our relationship sunk in. It was all misery after that. Still, I guess I must have gotten something out of it because I keep coming back to him.

[MizFit]

I was happy during mine, but he never lied to me. He never said he would leave...I always wanted more, but even when we professed our love he was clear what would not happen. If he had lied to me and led me down the garden path it would have been much worse.

 

Now that it's over it hurts...it hurts because someone I love isn't in my life. I didn't think about it as a contest...I knew he'd do everything he could to stay at home and he did.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

exactly. i think all of us here that were happy during the A are coming from the side that never expected the MM to leave his marriage. i think if i was in that situation it would be a very very sad relationship. and yes, im sad after the fact because i lost a friend a person who i cared about. and after the fact its very sad seeing what i did to my husband and our marriage.

 

but during the A i was happy. not only because of the A, but because it was a time in our lives where as a family everything was going great. our children were healthy, we built a new house, careers were going great. it overall, was a happy time.

[hopeless4u]

I'm happy most of the time, thats why its so hard to walk away but over the last couple of months the lows seem to be hurting more, when they come its pain like I've never known, thats when I ask myself WHY I'm doing this to myself, no one in their right mind would willingly put themselves through this time and time again....would they?....but then all the good memories come flooding back and I can't imagine my life without him in it. As my name says I'm hopeless!!

[LucreziaBorgia]

I was happy during all of mine, because it gave me an opportunity to get what I wanted without worrying about the man trying to pin commitment on me (a lot of times I was involved with someone myself). The only time it would suck was when they would run their courses and it was time to walk away (ie: when it stopped being fun). Some were ok with it, others weren't. I'm sure if I had been in affairs that were more emotional there may have been some heartbreak, but generally speaking I avoided anything that would lead to that. I was way too cakey for it.

[skylarblue]

…"Are there any people out there involved in affairs that are happy?". Surely not everyone involved in an affair is in emotional turmoil.

I am 100% happy and satisfied with my position/R as the OW. It is exactly what I wanted, went for, and got and has actually been greater than I was expecting. I don’t experience any heartache. I’m not on the “emotional rollercoaster” that so many OW are riding. That’s the difference b/t EAs and PAs I guess. I personally couldn’t have an EA with a MM. I’m too jealous and conceited of a person to share “my man”. Right now, I’m not sharing my man, his W is sharing hers.

 

Surely not everyone involved in an affair wants the OP to leave their M and commit to them? If so and happy affairs do exist what was the outcome? Did things just fizzle out?

When I started seeing my MM, I had only intended on it being a short fling. I had a bf at the time (the R was pretty much over though) and MM was just going to be the intermission guy. I never thought that MM and I would still be involved 5yrs later. Things are more intense now than when we first met. But even after 5yrs there’s still no more emotional involvement with him than the first day I met him. I would never want him to leave his W and he would never leave his W for me. He’s just as happy with the A as I am.

 

Did you get caught? Is it ongoing?

He has never been caught with/by “concrete” evidence, only “circumstantial”. He’s been confronted by “circumstantial” evidence for years, occasionally divorce threats, but it’s never really deterred him from seeing me.

[her_halo_slipped]

WOW skylarblue. It seems you have got things together in your A and I am very pleased for you. It gives hope to others out there to realise that affairs are not always doom and gloom and that sometimes for some people they can be beneficial. I wish you continued happiness.

The message that is coming across from most posts is that ..yes....generally happiness is sustained during the affair but when it ends the heartache begins.

Thank you all for your personal insight. I am yet to really experience the end of an affair having only dabbled once and having been given some serious and sage advice on LS I ended it before it really took off. It wasn't a PA and we remained very good friends, thankfully.

[Lizzie60]

My first experience as an OW was very painful.. I was only 15.. it lasted 11 years.. 11 miserable years.. I must admit.. anyway.. we ended up together I was 26.

 

I was in long-term relationships most of my 'adult' life.. when I found myself single 7 years ago.. I didn't want commitment anymore.. all I want was to enjoy life.. sex.. men... etc..etc...

 

I started to meet men.. single, married,.. it didn't matter to me.. I just wanted sex.. I was on a rampage for a few years.. then I settled down with a few MMs.. the ones I liked most.. and with most of them.. I'm still the OW.. we became 'best friends'.. 'lovers' ... I became their confidante.

 

It's all good.. even the ones I dumped.. we're still in touch though emails, phone calls..

[Virgo1982]

Why does it seem people want what they don't have? Most married individuals will not speak of M to OW/OM the way they would with someone who is in the same boat. I am not saying all marriages are miserable, just as all affairs aren't. But I think the desire to "win" or a misguided perception of what winning is, creates the pain and longing. What I learned from the experience is that being single and being married both have advantages and disadvantages: Friends who are with long term partners or friends who are married seem to be frustrated with the amount of sacrifice required and happy with the companionship and family they've built. While they love their families, I believe some days may be better than others.

 

For the single man or woman, they want a partner for companionship and desire a family, but appreciate the freedom being single provides. OW/OM who perceive the AP as nothing more than a person who fulfills certain needs are happier than those who expect the MM/MW to leave.

 

While some feel the need to taunt OM/OW with the fact that the WS doesn't leave, I do not know whether I should be sad for the BS or happy for him/her. Regardless of who you are in the equation, you are the only one who has to live with your choices. No matter how much you taunt another person for being second fiddle or doormat, your situation is not changed. Unless you grab some reality and appreciate your life for what it is, you will be miserable-longing for something that is out of your control. That is for everyone on this planet.

 

Now, to answer your question. I was happy at times, because he did meet certain needs. But it became clear that he was stressing himself out trying to be everything to everyone. Furthermore, he seemed to have this false idea that everything was okay if I would just see how much he loved me, but that he needed to keep his family in tact. Then, I looked at him constantly in my presence, not leaving even if I encouraged him to. I wondered about his children and began to lose respect for him. I learned from him and used his excuse as my excuse. Your family... As annoyed as I became, I would not want to be with him. He is too needy and eventually I understood why his W grew tired of him. He made me realize that being single is more desirable than having someone there to drain every ounce of life out of you. I came to LS as a whiny girl with no concept of what really matters in life. I am sure he still doesn't have a clue. Being happy with yourself and your choices and making the tough decisions makes a huge difference. None of that comes easy without embracing reality.

 

Stop living in fear and use your emotions in a way that will change your life for the better. Use your emotions to propel yourself into a better place and never let them lead you into darkness. So, if you're happy being the OW/OM, the married partners have to make choices. If you're not, then you have to make your own choices. If someone makes that choice for you, (also known as being ripped to peices by the infamous bus or the dangling carrot) the pain will be severe. What you learn from that is completely up to you.

[RedDevil66]

Why does it seem people want what they don't have? Most married individuals will not speak of M to OW/OM the way they would with someone who is in the same boat. I am not saying all marriages are miserable, just as all affairs aren't. But I think the desire to "win" or a misguided perception of what winning is, creates the pain and longing. What I learned from the experience is that being single and being married both have advantages and disadvantages: Friends who are with long term partners or friends who are married seem to be frustrated with the amount of sacrifice required and happy with the companionship and family they've built. While they love their families, I believe some days may be better than others.

 

For the single man or woman, they want a partner for companionship and desire a family, but appreciate the freedom being single provides. OW/OM who perceive the AP as nothing more than a person who fulfills certain needs are happier than those who expect the MM/MW to leave.

 

While some feel the need to taunt OM/OW with the fact that the WS doesn't leave, I do not know whether I should be sad for the BS or happy for him/her. Regardless of who you are in the equation, you are the only one who has to live with your choices. No matter how much you taunt another person for being second fiddle or doormat, your situation is not changed. Unless you grab some reality and appreciate your life for what it is, you will be miserable-longing for something that is out of your control. That is for everyone on this planet.

 

Now, to answer your question. I was happy at times, because he did meet certain needs. But it became clear that he was stressing himself out trying to be everything to everyone. Furthermore, he seemed to have this false idea that everything was okay if I would just see how much he loved me, but that he needed to keep his family in tact. Then, I looked at him constantly in my presence, not leaving even if I encouraged him to. I wondered about his children and began to lose respect for him. I learned from him and used his excuse as my excuse. Your family... As annoyed as I became, I would not want to be with him. He is too needy and eventually I understood why his W grew tired of him. He made me realize that being single is more desirable than having someone there to drain every ounce of life out of you. I came to LS as a whiny girl with no concept of what really matters in life. I am sure he still doesn't have a clue. Being happy with yourself and your choices and making the tough decisions makes a huge difference. None of that comes easy without embracing reality.

 

Stop living in fear and use your emotions in a way that will change your life for the better. Use your emotions to propel yourself into a better place and never let them lead you into darkness. So, if you're happy being the OW/OM, the married partners have to make choices. If you're not, then you have to make your own choices. If someone makes that choice for you, (also known as being ripped to peices by the infamous bus or the dangling carrot) the pain will be severe. What you learn from that is completely up to you.

 

this is a wonderful post. You can tell you've done a lot of work to get to this higher ground.

I hope the cheaters here can grasp what you're saying because there is a lot of wisdom here

[Spoiled]

I was an xMOW and felt fulfilled and happy for the first six months of my A with xMM. My job was emotionally and physically taxing, I have two small children, felt ignored by my H, and had lost my identity. My xMM gave me excitement, attention, admiration, and great conversation. In my opinion, I had the best of both worlds and was being very selfish. For once in my life.

 

The last six months were a total emotional roller coaster. The guilt and shame crept up on me, I was not sleeping, overeating, and irritable. I struggled spiritually and significantly decreased my participation in my area of ministry. The emotions became worse after d-day. I worried about my family and future yet the A continued for several more months. It never fizzled, there were 3 d-days. I finally ended it.

[Virgo1982]

this is a wonderful post. You can tell you've done a lot of work to get to this higher ground.

I hope the cheaters here can grasp what you're saying because there is a lot of wisdom here

 

Thanks. I still have a long way to go. I know it is a different process/situation for everyone, but I hope my words will ease the pain for some.

[Heather1]

I seem to fluctuate on this...

 

At one time, I was REALLY happy & I thought he was too. As he distanced himself, and I saw that he was really in pain over this, I wasn't so happy about it. I'm happiest when it's more of an EA than a PA. The sex is spectacular, but then he freaks out & I resort to NC because we went opposite ways. I'm really happy when we're together.

 

At this point, I don't know where I'm at with any of it. He broke NC, saw me twice last week, nothing for 4 days, flirty emails yesterday, nothing today. I think I'm on the rollercoaster end of it as he battles what the heck to do. It's never been much of a battle for me, so I guess it's just a matter of how long I want to stay on his emotional ride.

 

Overall though, I'm glad for having him in my life even for a second in time.

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

Stop living in fear and use your emotions in a way that will change your life for the better. Use your emotions to propel yourself into a better place and never let them lead you into darkness. So, if you're happy being the OW/OM, the married partners have to make choices. If you're not, then you have to make your own choices. If someone makes that choice for you, (also known as being ripped to peices by the infamous bus or the dangling carrot) the pain will be severe. What you learn from that is completely up to you.

 

I identify with a lot of that...thank you. That's why I've chosen to end an eight-month affair with my MM. There was no D-Day and we neither one of us seriously entertained the idea that he would leave his wife.

 

To answer the thread's question...like so many other OW, it was an emotional roller coaster...and the highs kept me going during the lows. Ultimately, though, the low dipped too low. I felt more disrespect for myself than I ever have before. And that came to the fore last Wednesday. And now I'm Day Three of NC.

 

But I also remember the amazing times we had. And I don't regret those. This is what I e-mailed to MM in my last contact with him: "While I wish we had never met, since we did, I am glad we got to be in each other's lives for at least a very little while."

 

And that really sums it up. We liked to talk about the "alternate universe" where we could have met, fell in love and had a life together. But that could never happen in the world we live in -- his wife, his sons, the life he has built (I'm single, younger and no family), our social circles, etc., etc., -- too many things stacked against us. I don't care what people say -- I think life and society do trump love sometimes. It's never as simple as: leave your spouse if you love someone else. But still, it's a v. v. sad reality to come to terms with.

[lovekillsslowly]

"Are there any people out there involved in affairs that are happy?".

I was very, very, happy for the 10 months our affair lasted. Co-workers, friends and even family would comment on how "happy" I was and wanted to know "what I was on." LOL!

 

Surely not everyone involved in an affair is in emotional turmoil.

The only times I experienced emotional turmoil is when my xMM would yo-yo back and forth on what he wanted. One week he would be fine being involved with me and having our relationship consist of "us"...the next week he would have trouble with the guilt and stress he was feeling and he would want "us" to just be friends.

 

I would like to hear your thoughts on this and whether anyone is or has been involved in an affair where they were satisfied and happy with the relationship.

Very happy with it when he was able to handle the affair.

 

Surely not everyone involved in an affair wants the OP to leave their M and commit to them?

Nope. I never did. As a matter of fact he is the one who told me that "he wanted to run away with me". I'm the one who told him "that is never going to happen for us."

 

If so and happy affairs do exist what was the outcome?

The outcome for me was that he couldn't get past the guilt and stress the affair caused him. He tried...he really did. But he was born and bred Catholic. Attended Catholic school his whole life. Attended mass every Sunday and Holy Days were never missed. Came from a large Catholic family. So in the end his 50 years of religious upbringing caused him so much guilt and stress that he chose to do the "right thing" despite how happy he and I were when we were together.

 

The one thing that he has stressed to me time and time again is that the only regret he has is that he feels like he really f***ed up my life. And he feels very badly about that.

 

Did things just fizzle out?

No. We have both talked about how what we had with each other was amazing, incredible, and out of this world. It was about way more than just the sex. In that whole 10 months we were together we only had sex 6 times. And if someday we would both ever find ourselves single we would give our relationship another try and this time not have to be secretive about it.

 

Has anyone remained friends with the OP?

We tried that but it was just too hard for me. Talking to him daily on the phone and wanting him so bad to ask if we can try it again and him not saying that. The "friendship" thing is too hard for me to do right now. It's best if we take some time away from each other.

 

Did you get caught?

Nope. Never.

 

Is it ongoing?

Well the affair is over but I will love that man till the day I die. And I wouldn't change a thing. I had wanted him for 8 years before we ever began our affair. And even though it didn't have the outcome I wanted, now I know. And knowing is so much better than wondering.

 

Please don't respond with judgements but just your personal experiences.

Thank you for putting this statement in your post. And thank you for the post. It helped me to remember some very special times he and I spent together.

[Heather1]

I didn't need to write anything, a few minutes later LKS said it all - my exact feelings.

 

Thank you

[lovekillsslowly]

Heather1 ~ You're welcome. And Thank you. It's comforting to know that there is someone out there who can understand exactly what I am talking about and knows exactly what I am feeling.