TooAccepting32 Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 I'm 32, he's 34. no kids, never been married. We've been together for 1 1/2 years and the relationship has evolved to a certain level.. We don't live together but our lives have become about as involved as they could living apart. His parents ADORE me.. my family really likes him too. His family pretty much begs me to say I'll stay forever. We met on eharmony, we're super compatible and if you read john gottman, we've got all of the elements of married couples who stay together. On eharmony we both indicated we wanted to marry one day. Turns out he's a marriageophobe. I got some indications of this after 5 months of dating (red flags) and I found it weird because I wouldn't have even thought of marriage as a topic of discussion at that stage. (I was pretty terrified of marriage at that time actually) He is a marriageophobe but he has been leading me on to believe that he's working toward marriage and a future with me and even at one point told me he has 100% plan to marry me in the very near future and that there is no fear or anything.. "How could I be afraid of marriage when I'm with someone like you?" he said. He acted like I was silly for thinking he didn't want to and for tiptoeing around the issue and never mentioning it or being super vague about it. I thought (knew) it would make him uncomfortable to talk about marriage. He wanted to know if I would say yes, and if I wanted to marry him. He said he didn't like it when I was vague because he wants me to think of him as being my future husband and not whoever my future husband may be. I told him I would say yes I was pretty happy and really got used to the idea. I was in happy fairy land actually After a few months it turns out it was a lie to keep me from planning a different road in my life. He's scared and doesn't know if he'll ever not be scared. He says he "wants" to marry me but he's too scared and may never get over that fear. He doesn't want to lose me either I say whoa! Yikes... I'm 32 (almost 33) and very involved with someone who now may turn out to not want the same thing as I do. Who knows how long I would have to wait to find out... his ex waited 4 years of living together and he just wouldn't but didn't mind continuing to live with her and be with her even though she wasn't the one he would marry. I don't want that situation.. you know.. him staying with me for now because what he gets from the relationship is great but then dumping me years from now because he doesn't actually want me for a wife. So I say... how can I trust now that you have lied that you are not stringing me along....... I said we might have to break up because we might not want the same things in life. As a result he says he's working on overcoming his fears and now doing the work of analyzing whether or not it's actually a good idea to marry me. Why he didn't do this months ago when he was assuring me he wanted a future with me or that he flat out wanted to marry me, I don't know. Why I had to be dragged into this to be rejected I don't know. Now I don't know if I'm going to get strung along again and if it's really a good idea to give some time.. I have no idea how much time it would take and at the end............................ All this time and I could have been working on me or building something with someone more compatible. Getting over the heartbreak at least gah! I'm not DESPERATE to marry some dude.. but I don't want to be irresponsible with my life and block chances of marrying someone one day either just because a guy enjoys my company. All of this character slaughtering by me and he's actually a great guy... unless I'm totally love blind. Thanks for any insight p.s. You might wonder why I didn't get out when I was getting the red flags ... I wonder the same thing... I think I tend to trust what people say, give the benefit of the doubt and actually feel bad when I suspect peple of bad things... So I listened to him and ignred my gut.
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 To women, marriage = lifetime commitment and sharing each other. To most men, marriage = a 50/50 chance that you will lose everything and end up paying alimony and child support to a woman you can't stand anymore. Maybe it is that he is a divorcephobe and not a marriagephobe?
carhill Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Best route IMO is open communication, PMC and a prenup to protect him and yourself financially. If these three things do not allay his fears, walk.
bloggervenus Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 IMO you have to find out if he is really scared of marriage, or scared of marrying you? That is, does he truly love you? If he really loves you, and you really love him, then why destroy thins by forcing him to think about or decide on marriage? Why is marriage so important? My husband forced me to get married (basically said, either we get married or I will break up with you) and I said yes. Seven years later, we are getting a divorce. I was not ready at the time and that created a flimsy foundation for our marriage. I am uncomfortable about him lying to you though. There is no excuse for that. Can he be trusted to not lie in the future? Could it be that he really did believe he wanted to marry you at that time and then later got cold feet? You have to get to the bottom of this. What does your gut tell you? Is this person being genuine with you?
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