schewter Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 <<If you are just going to post your response as something negative, you might as well not even waste your time because its not going to phase me. You're either on here because you've cheated, are cheating and have been cheated on. Those of you posting negatively are probably people that haven't been able to work things out with your significant other....and I'm sorry for that. Don't take it out on me...as a matter of fact... don't even post back.>> Welcome to LS...I read your story and feel bad for you. Like addictions (which many feel affairs are similar to) we are engaged in things we know are wrong and hurtful to significant others but we just can't seem to stop ourselves. Do everything you can to make your husband feel secure and ask him frequently if you are doing enough. When you are out together be sure to stay close...to let him and those around you know that HE is your man. As for the "negative" posters on here, Bent is right, you can't stop them from replying but you can choose to ignore them...they are a hurt, bitter and obsessed lot. Their "therapy" is running every WS down to the point where you feel more worthless than you felt before you posted your story. Especially those who like to use colorful language to describe what you were involved in...that serves no other purpose than to project their anger and bitterness at you. BTW...I am a BS (EA) by a woman not unlike yourself...very "not her" so I have to believe if SHE could get down that road anyone can. Good luck...I hope you and your husband can get past this very dark time in your lives.
Len Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Most of the time we do things because it is fun, simple as that. Its only when things go wrong we look for excuses as to why. If we look real hard and deep we can maybe find something that sounds like a valid reason, but usually the truth is simply we were having so much fun we didn't think about the consequences. So often when we ask why, it is because we forgot to ask why not.
Midnight Rider Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 so I take it that you think since you cheated so early in the marriage, that the advice to get an annullment is negative? why am I not surprised? face it, you cheated VERY, WAY TOO, EXPEDICIOUSLY early in this marriage. what is wrong with people saying to get an annullment. Its not to late to save him you know. That's going to get you an infraction notice from Tony. You have violated Rule 3290 sub-section 300.23 of the LoveShack forum charter - your post is very direct, and is using excessive and nonconstructive force. I'll get one too for writing this.
Blindsidedagainalive Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 If you are just going to post your response as something negative, you might as well not even waste your time because its not going to phase me. The fact that you were withholding sex and intimacy from your husband prior to the affair really complicates this. You were denying your husband sex because of intimacy issues, but got turned on from another man. I would love to spell out a future of sunshine and rainbows, or even hope......but I want to give you an educated and objective opinion. Cheating so soon after marriage, while you were giving him the cold shoulder ....is almost impossible for a man to forgive. It will take him YEARS to recover from this. And that is with tremendous effort on his side. The best thing for your husband is to leave you and to go to therapy and get well. If your husband doesn't leave you now, he will likely leave you down the road. The reason I say this is.....he has no solid reason for staying with you. It would be based on the wrong reasons. Insecurity, fear of abandonment, low self-esteem. A man who is secure with good self esteem would immediatedly leave after the devastation ebbs. I am NOT saying this to be hurtful to you. It is the simple unfortunate repercussions of your actions. Example....Someone murders someone and gets caught. Well, we can give the perpetrator all of the false hope in the world....but we know they are going to jail. Sorry you decided to cheat. You are human and made a big mistake. You are not an evil person, just a person with issues that led to this. Honestly, I would not recommend you try to stay together. He will always resent you for this.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 That's going to get you an infraction notice from Tony. You have violated Rule 3290 sub-section 300.23 of the LoveShack forum charter - your post is very direct, and is using excessive and nonconstructive force. I'll get one too for writing this. somewhere in fine print I think it is written that the truth shall garner an infraction:o if the truth isn't what one wants to hear.
amberpearl Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Simple words: Either psychiatric evaluation or marriage counseling. Nuff said.
schewter Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 <<The reason I say this is.....he has no solid reason for staying with you. It would be based on the wrong reasons. Insecurity, fear of abandonment, low self-esteem. A man who is secure with good self esteem would immediatedly leave after the devastation ebbs.>> How so? Do YOU know her husband? Are YOU every man? Perhaps her husband is wired differently; possesses a greater threshold for forgiveness...a more profound level of empathy. Maybe, in the end, he will decide that he loves her enough to get past this. Would that be a bad thing?
Blindsidedagainalive Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 How so? Do YOU know her husband? Are YOU every man? Perhaps her husband is wired differently; possesses a greater threshold for forgiveness...a more profound level of empathy. Maybe, in the end, he will decide that he loves her enough to get past this. Would that be a bad thing? Of course I don't know her husband. You are correct. It is possible for her husband to forgive. But, my opinion, based on the facts, is that it will not happen. Cheating a month after marriage after withholding sex from her husband. And, she was caught and STILL withholding sex from her husband. A more profound level of empathy - WTF are you talking about? Ummm, I don't think he'll be thinkin about empathy right about now.......do you? Yes, it would be great for this woman if her husband was this kind of man.......but IMO it's very, very, very unlikely. Yea, I don't know him, just an observer of the human race.
schewter Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 <<A more profound level of empathy - WTF are you talking about?>> That would be the ability not just to imagine yourself in someone else's predicament but to actually understand their emotional state. I reread her posts...seems her husband is already halfway there by committing to give 100% toward saving the marriage. Must not be: "A man who is secure with good self esteem" (ridiculous generalization) <<Ummm, I don't think he'll be thinkin about empathy right about now.......do you?>> Can't say; don't know the man...assume nothing. "Yea, I don't know him, just an observer of the human race." Me too...and I know to always expect the unexpected. Lets, just to be radical ourselves, try offering this woman some encouragement and understanding as opposed to the usual beat-down cause you and I both know that's not about HER>
Dexter Morgan Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 (edited) <<A more profound level of empathy - WTF are you talking about?>> That would be the ability not just to imagine yourself in someone else's predicament but to actually understand their emotional state. I reread her posts...seems her husband is already halfway there by committing to give 100% toward saving the marriage. a marriage that has to be saved because one cheated not even 2 MONTHS after marrying is not worth saving. just wait til 7 years sets in. Must not be: "A man who is secure with good self esteem" (ridiculous generalization) I won't hold that view of him. I will say that his quick reaction to keep the marriage is a result of him not thinking this through and giving it any thought. He is more than likely confused and desperate. If he sat down and really thought about a wife that cheats after only 1 month and a couple weeks, he'd have to see what this means if he stays with her for YEARS. an annullment now is easier than a full blown divorce later. Edited November 20, 2009 by Dexter Morgan
schewter Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 We'll see how it plays out Dex...I bet somewhere in the history of the world a marriage has survived this very circumstance and went on to thrive without re-occurrance of infidelity. That's all this woman needs to know...not how BAD, SELFISH, DISRESPECTFUL, ETC. ETC. she's been...she appears to already accept that.
Blindsidedagainalive Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I reread her posts...seems her husband is already halfway there by committing to give 100% toward saving the marriage. Must not be: "A man who is secure with good self esteem" (ridiculous generalization Is it? Perhaps a poor choice of words....if her husband is halfway there to give 100%, a serious alarm goes off. That would be ENTIRELY too soon to recommit. I do not intend to beat this woman down. I realize that it was something that she regrets terribly. We all make mistakes and have to live with the consequences. If I beat up a coworker, I would expect to get fired. Although it's possible to save your job. Staying at that job may not be a good personal choice however. Sorry for the lousy analogy but you get my point. IMHO- Cheating so early (1 month for Gods sake) AFTER withholding sex with her husband. ....she was constantly pushing him away! This scenario would destroy a man with great self esteem. Now, pre-mature forgiveness....... Something is amiss here..... I highly doubt in the aftermath of one of the most painful life experiences.....his decision is based on healthy, positive thoughts. As DEX pointed out, it's desperation (feeling unwanted, unneeded, feeling unattractive, feeling confused). This woman is looking for support. I understand that what I am offering is not what she wants to hear. It is my opinion however. If it were not so soon after the marriage, I may have a different opinion. It really says......I don't care enough about you to be faithful for even a year. There are perhaps 30 years of a challenging marriage in front of them. What about this man....does he love her? His wife wont have sex with him and she will have sex with someone else? When the chips are down, I can't imagine the possibilites.
ADF Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 I understand why your husband was blindsided by your actions. But why were you? Honestly, I've never been able comprehend people who speak of their own actions as things that happen to them rather than things that they do. Frankly, I don't buy it. You're not some dog, mindlessly following commands. Maybe part of the problem is you have convinced yourself you are the innocent victim of dark impulses rather than an adult who needs to take responsibility for your own decisions.
schewter Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 When the title of someone's thread is Why did "I" do this to us? it doesn't sound like they're trying to shirk anything or that they view themselves as a "victim".
ADF Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 When the title of someone's thread is Why did "I" do this to us? it doesn't sound like they're trying to shirk anything or that they view themselves as a "victim". Actually, that is exactly what it sounds like.
schewter Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 <<Actually, that is exactly what it sounds like.>> Really? And what would someone who accepts responsibility for and regrets their actions sound like? I don't see her saying Why did this happen to me / us ? I doubt there's much she could say to get a break on here from the bitter crowd.
bentnotbroken Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 <<Actually, that is exactly what it sounds like.>> Really? And what would someone who accepts responsibility for and regrets their actions sound like? I don't see her saying Why did this happen to me / us ? I doubt there's much she could say to get a break on here from the bitter crowd. AHHHH, the "B" word. It gets tossed around like a football on this forum. One must be labeled bitter to not agree with infidelity.
schewter Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 <<AHHHH, the "B" word. It gets tossed around like a football on this forum. One must be labeled bitter to not agree with infidelity.>> We all disagree with infidelity...some of us are just a little less severe and self righteous in our responses to those who have made bad decisions. BTW...if the "bitter" gets thrown around like a football there's probably a reason.
bentnotbroken Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 <<AHHHH, the "B" word. It gets tossed around like a football on this forum. One must be labeled bitter to not agree with infidelity.>> We all disagree with infidelity...some of us are just a little less severe and self righteous in our responses to those who have made bad decisions. BTW...if the "bitter" gets thrown around like a football there's probably a reason. Yes, I am sure in some people's mind there is. Doesn't make it a fact, just a comfort I guess.
Woggle Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 I won't spend my time trying to trash you but actions have consequences and you destroyed this man's trust. If he chooses to leave you which would be perfectly justified you have nobody to blame but yourself. I don't know why you did it but it seems like a typical case of a woman not being happy with what she has and cheating for some emotional reason. I hope you learn not to repeat this mistake should you fall in love again.
jnj express Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 Hey MM, you know who the biggest loser in all of this is going to be----Your young daughter. Did you ever have any thoughts of what this was going to do to her life. If this can't be worked out she will live in split homes and be passed back and forth. WHY----Start out with what were you thinking about as you went thru each and every stop sign on the way to your EA, and then to your becoming physical. You had to be thinking something at each stop sign along the way. You knew what you were doing was wrong, you knew there would be repurcussions when you got caught, so what was going thru your mind as you went thru all of these stop signs. Were you thinking of anything at all, as this became physical, or did you just get sucked up in a torrent of hot passion. Maybe you can blame hormones???? Yes you do need to find the deep down why, cuz until you do and can explain it to your BH., your mge., is in a very rocky place. Usually this happens after a mge., has grown stale and boring and humdrum, you were spose to be in the hot passion part of your mge., where you wouldn't even be thinking of anyone else, unless the 3 yrs., you had already lived together, had made your allegedly new mge., already old. Someone prior to me posted this was a mistake, this was definetly not a mistake, it was performed with cunning, conniving, and deceit. The deep down Why, it can be found in your innermost thoughts as to what you were thinking while you went thru stop sign after stop sign, on the way to wrecking your family.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 AHHHH, the "B" word. It gets tossed around like a football on this forum. One must be labeled bitter to not agree with infidelity. bah, I don't mind the "B" word. its the best they got to attempt at putting down BS's. oh no...not "bitter"....eeeeeeek!!!!
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