Why did I do this to us?

[MosMama1210]

This is a really long story and I will go into details at some point in time, but I have to get this posted so maybe someone out there can read this and relate or help me figure out what the hell is wrong with me.

 

My husband and I have been married for 1 month and 11 days. During that period of time, I have had sex with another married man twice. Previous to our wedding, we had 3 "hook-ups" that did not lead to sex.

 

My husband found out a little over a week ago about my affair.

 

I love my husband more than anything, I've never met another man like him in my life. I can not imagine my life without him and I can not figure out why I did this to us? He asked me tonight something that made my heart practically fall out of my chest... "how could you have no remorse while you were doing it, but you can have so much remorse now?". How could I?

 

Everyone was absolutely blind-sided by my actions...I've never been the type of person to do something like this, even I still can't believe I did it. He's completely right about everything though... if it was something that just happened once, it could almost be understandable...but this was multiple meetings, 2 times having sex. Planned out. I do not have feelings for the other man, I barely even know anything about him. Our whole relationship was built on text messaging (sad, I know).

 

I've never had so much fear in my life as I do right now. I'm so afraid of losing my husband, our life together. He's done so much for me and we've come so far together and I just threw it away for a completely unknown reason. We've been having so many talks, we're seeing a marriage counselor... we both really want to be able to make it through this, but he has some understandable issues that he's not sure if he can get past. He needs to have a reason WHY I did this in the first place...because if there is a reason, then there will be a reason it will NEVER happen again. He needs to be absolutely 100% sure this will never happen again. I know it won't, I could never ever do this again....but how can he know that for sure. I understand these things, and I am doing everything I can do and giving him everything he needs - time, space, details, explanations. Over this past week we've been honest with each other about more things that I ever think we've had to be honest about in our entire relationship. I want this to work...I NEED this to work. We've already figured out a game plan for the big IF we work this out, how we will rebuild our life together so it will be stronger and better than it ever has before.

 

Why did I do this to us? I've never felt at such a loss before...

 

again I'm sorry this is so short and if anyone has questions I will go into detail but its really late and I just have a whirlwind going around in my head.

 

WHY?

[oxfordsocks]

Have you had any other tendancies to other things irrational--like spending money--talking a lot--wakefullness --maybe need assessed for bipolar disorder --as 1 month and already affair and you say you love him--doesnt sound like you do-and if you do this could explain it as sexual stuff is a sign.

i am not a doctor but mental health issues are a possibility

[bentnotbroken]

No one on this board can answer that question for you. You need to find professional help and look within yourself. If I were your husband, I would cut my loses. But that will depend on him and what he is willing to put up with. Get professional counseling and not a bunch of people behind computer screens. That would show you are serious about discovering what your issues are.

[mark982]

don't fool yourself,when you say it will never happen again! you boinked this guy 2x over a text message relationship. what happens when you work/get to know a guy up close and personal? you'll cheat again,ain't no dought in my mind. you gave your husband the ultimate disrespect in what basically is still the "honeymoon phase" of your marriage. you've completely crushed your husband,and destroyed his trust. the love may still be there,but you'll never get the trust back. the best thing you can do for your husband is pack your bags,tell him that he deserves better and go your own way.

[2sure]

The WHY never really gets answered, which is why so many couples cannot recover from infidelity.

 

The cheater can have all kinds of excuses, justifications, remorse, regret. Even if there is a legitimate issue within the marriage or a need unmet by the other spouse....

 

The why doesnt get answered because no matter what the reason IS, most people would not have reacted by cheating OR given into the impulse repeatedly.

[Scrivdog]

The WHY never really gets answered, which is why so many couples cannot recover from infidelity.

 

The cheater can have all kinds of excuses, justifications, remorse, regret. Even if there is a legitimate issue within the marriage or a need unmet by the other spouse....

 

The why doesnt get answered because no matter what the reason IS, most people would not have reacted by cheating OR given into the impulse repeatedly.

What sickening bunch of moralistic ponificators we have here! What would bring your pure hearts to such a cesspool?

 

This woman did something she's very ashamed of because society as we live in it is full of people ready to spit on her for this. No doubt her husband got the raw end of the deal here, but this woman came here crying for help.

 

Can you people put down your halos for two minutes and go a little easier on a fellow human being? I know none of the details and neither do you.

[mark982]

as you said you know none of the details. BUT the details she's posted here paint her in a very bad light,she's getting off very lightly if you ask me.

[2sure]

LOL. Get a grip. I , of all people, have no judgment for what the OP has done.

 

Many many many people here have come to ask the WHY of infidelity and I merely point out that the WHY often goes unanswered and can be an exercise in frustration because the answer itself doesnt solve the problem.

 

And so, other than name calling, do you have anything to offer?

[Bryanp]

This is so bizarre. I have to ask this but are you and your husband sexually compatible? Ask yourself how you would be feeling and acting if the roles were reversed? Please seek therapy since they must be some deep seeded problems why you deliberately sought to sabotage and destroy your marriage.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

i agree. shes coming here asking for help / advice. the title says how shes feeling. confused, ashamed, remorseful sad. most likely she has enough negative feelings about herself and the situation and doesnt need people pointing out all the negatives.

 

lets try to focus on the issue here. she made a huge mistake, is trying to understand it and find a solution. maybe some people with experience in something like this could offer some advice.

[Snowflower]

 

... we both really want to be able to make it through this, but he has some understandable issues that he's not sure if he can get past. He needs to have a reason WHY I did this in the first place...because if there is a reason, then there will be a reason it will NEVER happen again. He needs to be absolutely 100% sure this will never happen again. I know it won't, I could never ever do this again....but how can he know that for sure.

 

MosMama...

 

I'm sorry for the pain that you and your husband are experiencing right now.

 

I will say that your post appears to reflect your sincerity in trying to help your husband through this...this is a good thing.

 

If there is anything I have learned from my husband's infidelity is that there are no guarantees in life and sometimes the most difficult questions in life (why did this happen?) have no satisfying answers.

 

Your husband will eventually have to reconcile this with himself because there is NO guarantee that it won't happen again...because there are no guarantees in life. But I do hope that you don't repeat your mistake and that you and your husband can go on to have a happy marriage.

 

I don't believe that infidelity is necessarily the end of a marriage and perhaps since you and your husband can grow from this and move forward together...with a lot of love and commitment.

 

However, your husband will have to come to a form of 'acceptance' that you were unfaithful to him. Acceptance doesn't mean that he forgives and forgets or that he is 'okay' with what you did. But it is more of a form of realization that people/spouses can do crazy things sometimes.

 

Sure, your husband might ultimately divorce you and find someone else who would be faithful--but there is absolutely no guarantee that the next person will be faithful either. Your husband will have to decide for himself what he can live with and what he can accept.

 

In the meantime, pull out all the stops...make sure your husband knows how you committed you are to him. I hope you're going to individual counseling so that you can get to the bottom of why you did this--if nothing else, it will hopefully be a journey of self-awareness for you and make you a stronger, better person.

 

Good luck!

[Dexter Morgan]

This is a really long story and I will go into details at some point in time, but I have to get this posted so maybe someone out there can read this and relate or help me figure out what the hell is wrong with me.

 

My husband and I have been married for 1 month and 11 days. During that period of time, I have had sex with another married man twice. Previous to our wedding, we had 3 "hook-ups" that did not lead to sex.

 

My husband found out a little over a week ago about my affair.

 

I love my husband more than anything

 

really? thats love? don't ya think if you loved him it would have AT LEAST taken a little longer than 1 month and 11 days to cheat on him?

 

 

I've never met another man like him in my life.

 

obviously not if you can cheat on him so quickly.

 

 

I can not imagine my life without him and I can not figure out why I did this to us?

 

because you are selfish and fickle.

 

 

I've never had so much fear in my life as I do right now. I'm so afraid of losing my husband, our life together.

 

what life together? you weren't even 2 months into this marriage before you did the deed.

 

I think you need to grant him an annullment, and he'd be foolish not to go for one.

 

 

He's done so much for me and we've come so far together and I just threw it away for a completely unknown reason. We've been having so many talks, we're seeing a marriage counselor... we both really want to be able to make it through this, but he has some understandable issues that he's not sure if he can get past.

 

but of course. You did this pretty much as newlyweds. You cheat this early...what about later on when the 7 year itch sets in and you find another guy just oh so irresistible? It'll be just THAT MUCH MORE tempting for you.

 

you know why you did it, it was the excitement of being with a man OTHER than your husband. you were attracted to him and wanted to have sex with him....simple as that. That mindset will only get stronger as the years go on.

 

 

He needs to have a reason WHY I did this in the first place...because if there is a reason, then there will be a reason it will NEVER happen again. He needs to be absolutely 100% sure this will never happen again.

 

if you did it this early in your married life, and I mean EARLY!!!...then there is no guarantee to him you will never do it again. Just the opposite. its almost certain you will do it again. It may take years, but you didn't even hit 7 years to scratch your itch.

 

 

I know it won't, I could never ever do this again

 

uh huh....you said this was out of character for you and you shouldn't have been able to do it at all......and within 2 months no less.

 

you can tell yourself that....but face it....you wanted another man...you think 7 years down the road you aren't gonna look for male attention because attention from your husband is expected and no fun? if you did it this early...then years from now you cannot guarantee you wouldn't hop in the sack with a guy that you are really attracted too if the perfect opportunity presented itself and you think your H would never find out.

 

 

....but how can he know that for sure.

 

he can't, and he'll never FULLY trust you again. He'll always have his suspicions of you no matter how big or small they may be....they will be there.

 

 

I understand these things, and I am doing everything I can do and giving him everything he needs - time, space, details, explanations. Over this past week we've been honest with each other about more things that I ever think we've had to be honest about in our entire relationship. I want this to work...I NEED this to work. We've already figured out a game plan for the big IF we work this out, how we will rebuild our life together so it will be stronger and better than it ever has before.

 

I hope, for your H's sake, that the gameplan includes you not having any girl's nights out, not drinking when he is not around, no clubbing, no bar hopping, and you are home at a decent our IF you happen to be out.

 

And thats just a start. and no, that is not him being controlling if he requests such of you....you effed all that up by cheating. from here on out, anything he doesn't feel comfortable with you doing, you should refrain from. If you don't like it, then an annullment can still be done.

 

 

Why did I do this to us?

 

because you WANTED to have sex with someone new.

[Dexter Morgan]

What sickening bunch of moralistic ponificators we have here! What would bring your pure hearts to such a cesspool?

 

This woman did something she's very ashamed of because society as we live in it is full of people ready to spit on her for this. No doubt her husband got the raw end of the deal here, but this woman came here crying for help.

 

Can you people put down your halos for two minutes and go a little easier on a fellow human being? I know none of the details and neither do you.

 

 

you know scriv, you continually put the blame on your wife for your cheating, and still do.

 

So since you have that mindset, what do you think her reason is for cheating?

 

We'll concentrate on the facts:

 

She cheated within 2 months of being married

 

She claims he is the best thing that ever happened to her and she loves him dearly.

 

She "never met another man like him in [her] life. [she] can not imagine [her]y life without him"

 

This is a stark contrast to why you felt justified in cheating.

 

So knowing that and your insight on cheating.....why do you think she cheated?

[adiaz]

"I love my husband more than anything."

 

No You do NOT love your husband. If you did love him, you wouldn't have fuqTed someone else. Cheaters want sympathy, understanding and forgiveness but when you were laying there, kissing the other man, letting him touch you and slide in you did you for one second THINK of what you were doing to your HUSBAND and your MARRIAGE? How can you feel remorse and pain now when you put everything and everyone aside for PENIS did you feel remorse then? I don't think so.

[Template]

Since I was admonished for my original reply, I'll try to be a little bit more "forgiving" with this one.

 

Since you came in asking for the "WHY?", let's concentrate on the "WHY?" This guy you married seemed like the perfect guy, that many a women here would consider a catch. So what is it about him, that COULDN'T garner your complete devotion? Why just concentrate on YOU? You are confused because you don't know, and maybe it's just not that complicated. Was there an element of excitement missing in your life?

 

I admire your man in trying to work this out as I wouldn't have. At this stage of your marriage, you should probably still be in your honeymoon phase, yet this happened. What happens down the road when the honeymoon stage is over; have you asked yourself this? Be honest to him, and more importantly to yourself.

[seibert253]

No one knows "why" you did this. Only you do.

 

Please don't take this the wrong way; do you really think you can stay committed to your husband, or anyone else. Let's look at this; you cheated before you married, you cheated less than one month after you were married. You probably would still be cheating if he didn't catch you.

 

You need to examine what's within you to lead you to this destructive behavior. This can only be accomplished with professional counseling. If you do not resolve this issued within you, I guarentee you will repeat this again.

 

Right now the sorrow you feel is the sorrw of getting caught. It will wear off in time, and your wandering ways will reappear, unless you take this opportunity to once and for all put them to rest.

 

It's up to you. We can give you support, ideas, and advice, but the leg work of actually doing it is up to you.

 

BTW, how is your husband handling all of this? I can tell you this, if my W cheated on me before and right after we were married, she would have been gone. If your husband stays with you take it for what it is, a gift. Don't waste it.

[reservoirdog1]

The simple, non-judgmental fact is this.

 

You feel there is something lacking in your marriage. I don't know what it is. The only one who might know is you, and you could be in a massive state of denial about it, or simply refusing to acknowledge it.

 

People who are satisfied in their relationships don't cheat, because they have no reason to do so. (Many people who AREN'T satisfied in their relationships don't cheat either, but that's another matter.) There is something you need from your husband and/or from your relationship that you're simply not getting. It may or may not be something he can provide.

 

I'm glad your husband knows what you did. You need to acknowledge and accept the possibility that he may decide he can't be married to you anymore. That would be a reasonable decision for him to make.

 

I think you should be asking yourself a few questions:

 

1. What did you tell yourself immediately before you cheated that made you capable of going through with it?

 

2. Why did you marry your husband? Was it because you were desperately in love with him and wanted to be with him forever? Or was a big part of it because you knew what a great guy he was and didn't want to lose him? Those are two very different reasons.

 

Counselling is a must, if you want to have any hope of saving your marriage. And not just marriage counselling, but individual counselling for yourself.

[Midnight Rider]

"I love my husband more than anything."

 

No You do NOT love your husband. If you did love him, you wouldn't have fuqTed someone else. Cheaters want sympathy, understanding and forgiveness but when you were laying there, kissing the other man, letting him touch you and slide in you did you for one second THINK of what you were doing to your HUSBAND and your MARRIAGE? How can you feel remorse and pain now when you put everything and everyone aside for PENIS did you feel remorse then? I don't think so.

 

I am sure she had remorse while the "event" was taking place. She probably has really weak self-control, and possibly is a sex addict. But I also agree with you in that she didn't have a strong enough love for her husband to help pull her out of this type of temptation and action. Especially for being married on 1.5 months, not a good sign. She will be lucky if her husband stays, but likely he will. This lady definitely needs some individual counseling, in addition to MC.

[Dexter Morgan]

I am sure she had remorse while the "event" was taking place.

 

ya, thats only why it ended up happening multiple times on multiple occasions.

[lostsunsets]

Nothing you have said would indicate that you would ever.....ever stop cheating. You were found out. You wouldn't have confessed. In fact you would most likely still be cheating on him. When you were cheating. You felt no guilt. You were excited by the thought of cheating. There was no regret b4 you were caught. Give your husband an annulment. Let him find someone who will love him. Someone who doesn't have what you do inside.....the ability to cheat without a conscience.

[MosMama1210]

We have been together a little over 3 years and we have a 2 year old daughter together. We ARE getting professional help together, and I am also seeing a psychologist. The reason for that is because it IS so out of character for me....everyone was completely blown away by it and not just my husband, my family and friends as well.

For a few months prior to the wedding we started having some intimacy issues, which I just chalked up to my libido. We breifly touched base on it when he asked me why (he is a sex FIEND, would be happy with it 3 times a day everyday) and I talked to my OBGYN who told me this happens alot after women give birth, they just find they are not turned on as quickly or as often. We left it at that but never actually fixed the issue... never really talked about it again. He would either try to push me to have sex or just roll over and get mad. I was being selfish, I admit it. I should have done more to try to figure out what was wrong with me. I love him, I am not only mentally but very physically attracted to him. We never had any sexual problems in the past, certainly not before we had our daughter.

Once I started talking to this other man, and once the sexual texting started, I felt myself being turned on...something I hadn't felt in months. It felt GOOD, and the attention felt good. I didn't stop to think, not once...just got caught up in everything. I've never even been able to lie to my husband, I threw him a surprise birthday party and felt guilty the whole time because I was hiding something from him. I just can't wrap my mind around the reason I was able to do this.

I'm not here for sympathy, understanding or forgiveness. I'm looking for someone who may have been in the same situation or someone who can point me in the right direction. I'm not looking for either of the three from my husband either... we are working on this together. I know its going to be hard and I know he can't promise this will work out, or that he will be able to get past certain aspects of this. I understand that. I also KNOW that he is going to give 100% of himself to trying, which is probably more than a lot of you with negative responses can say you've ever given or gotten. I don't need you to know how much I love him or how much he loves me, we are the only ones who need to know. I don't need any of you to believe me when I say that I KNOW that I will never do this again, because you're not the ones who matter, he is.

 

If you are just going to post your response as something negative, you might as well not even waste your time because its not going to phase me. You're either on here because you've cheated, are cheating and have been cheated on. Those of you posting negatively are probably people that haven't been able to work things out with your significant other....and I'm sorry for that. Don't take it out on me...as a matter of fact... don't even post back.

[bentnotbroken]

Take what you want from the post, but telling people on a public forum not to post, is a waste of your energy. You asked a question, you got a response. Maybe the response you didn't like, but a response none the less. If you were looking for someone who had been in your situation, then that probably should have been the question you asked. You asked "why you did it", and people gave their opinions.

 

No one's responses have to phase you as you put it, that is entirely up to you. But the negative post you received were in response to the negatives in your post. You seem confused and looking for help from strangers. It's good you are seeking professional help.

[Dexter Morgan]

If you are just going to post your response as something negative, you might as well not even waste your time because its not going to phase me.

 

so I take it that you think since you cheated so early in the marriage, that the advice to get an annullment is negative?

 

why am I not surprised?

 

face it, you cheated VERY, WAY TOO, EXPEDICIOUSLY early in this marriage. what is wrong with people saying to get an annullment.

 

Its not to late to save him you know.

[Dexter Morgan]

Take what you want from the post, but telling people on a public forum not to post, is a waste of your energy. You asked a question, you got a response. Maybe the response you didn't like, but a response none the less. If you were looking for someone who had been in your situation, then that probably should have been the question you asked. You asked "why you did it", and people gave their opinions.

 

No one's responses have to phase you as you put it, that is entirely up to you. But the negative post you received were in response to the negatives in your post. You seem confused and looking for help from strangers. It's good you are seeking professional help.

 

she is only interested in responses where the end result is her husband being held captive.

 

dammit...sorry for being negative.

[Cobra_X]

Once I started talking to this other man, and once the sexual texting started, I felt myself being turned on...something I hadn't felt in months. It felt GOOD, and the attention felt good. I didn't stop to think, not once...just got caught up in everything. I've never even been able to lie to my husband, I threw him a surprise birthday party and felt guilty the whole time because I was hiding something from him. I just can't wrap my mind around the reason I was able to do this.

 

I think you already know why you did this. You knew why before you did it. So, the real question is... why can't you articulate that?

 

Think about it. In order to do this you have to willfully disregard your husband and family... that typically takes an emotion like resentment or anger. So, why were you angry with your husband?

 

In addition you probably were strongly attracted to the attention the other guy was providing.

 

Now, your problem is that you need to be able to prove to your husband that you won't do this again. How do you plan to do that?

 

I mean you can say you wont all you want... but it's just talk. You need to find a way to PROVE IT. Does that make sense?