How do you end it with someone you love?

[Jezika]

I have been with my bf for a little over two and a half years and yes I love him. However he is 3 years younger than me and we have little to nothing in common. He is the sweetest guy to me but I feel like an old married couple at the age of 26. His idea of fun is home on the computer or playing video games. He has a four year old son (that drives me nuts, I love kids but there are no rules and he is full of tantrums, whenever I try to impose a rule my bf sluffs it off).

 

I am also still in love with my ex-boyfriend from 2004-2006. I made some bad choices that I have always regretted. My ex has a child as well but I adore her, she is kind and polite and he is an excellent father. Since breaking it off we have started to hang out as friends again in the past 4 months (something that my bf is completely aware of, I always let him know where I am). He is still amazing and all the old feelings are still there. He is very willing to be with me again and we have even worked out some old issues.

 

My dilemma is this, how do you completed end it with someone that you live with, has done nothing wrong, loves you and treats you well. I want to hurt him as little as possible, if that is possible. I am unable to bring myself to see the hurt in his eyes, it breaks my heart. But I know its mean and unfair of me to keep going on when I still harbor these feelings for my ex. I am very confused. I want to be with my ex, he is much more mature (30 opposed to 23), has the same goals and enjoys the same things as I do.

 

Any positive input would be much appreciated.

 

Thank You

[ADF]

OP, you need to ask yourself a serious question: if you didn't have your ex waiting in the wings, would you be as eager to dump your current boyfriend? Or might you make a little more effort to work out your problems with him? Only you know, but I'd bet real money the answers are "no" and "yes," respectively.

 

Dumping someone who is good to you to be with someone else is a rotten, horrible, mean thing to do. Period. There is no way to make it easier on him. You are going to break his heart, and that's that. He will be hurt and furious, and he will have every right to be.

 

You need to accept the fact you are about to do a terrible thing. You need to accept the fact you are a person capable of doing horrible things.

[harmfulsweetz]

Can it be worked on? I mean, if you love him, then you should be able to at least try to work on it. Ask yourself is your ex the primary reason for this? If he is, then you may be making a big mistake.

 

If you really want to break up with him, be honest, but tactful, do it in his home so he feels comfortable with being vulnerable, and make sure you have somewhere to stay afterwards. Be quick, be precise, and firm, but don't list all the 'you did' etc. Also, don't use cliches. Just speak from the heart.

 

However, I strongly suggest you think long and hard about your reasons, exes are exes for reasons, and you could be breaking a heart you don't need to break. Could it not be that you miss your ex, and you are just comparing the two? He's never going to be your ex, but you have your ex on a pedestal. That can't help matters one bit. Stop meeting your ex while you work on your R. Once he's out of the picture, you may have a serious rethink.

[Boundary Problem]

You need to accept the fact you are a person capable of doing horrible things.

 

 

So a guy has options, it is called having options.

 

A woman has options, it is called "Being a person capable of doing Horrible things".

 

 

 

 

She specifically asked for "positive input".

 

OP I don't like your boyfriend's video game habit and I don't like the lack of discipline with his child. If we assume those two facts don't change about him - aren't they dealbreakers (assuming you want to start your own family at some point)?

 

You had issues with your ex. Who knows if those have been fixed.

 

Maybe neither one is going to be the one you settle down with.

[harmfulsweetz]

I would also like to add that you won't be a horrible person if you end with him. You won't. It's a choice you have to make, it would be far worse to stay if you aren't happy, bad for both of you.

 

Think deep, and long, (long and hard?) about why you want to do it, if you still feel the same, just be honest, but gentle, but firm at the same time. Try to pick a 'good' (is there ever a good time?) time, one where nothing dramatic has happened, or adds to the pain, if possible do it at his house. If you fear violence etc, do it in a quiet cafe or somewhere a little more open. It's best to get it out as quickly as possible, like ripping off a band-aid.

[Ronni_W]

how do you completed end it with someone that you live with, has done nothing wrong, loves you and treats you well.

You do it exactly the same way as if it was someone you did not love: with honesty, gratitude, kindness and compassion.

There isn't anything else to give them, really. That's all you have.

 

They'll still feel the same amount of pain, of course. You cannot control that part even an ounce because it's not within your/our power or authority to control-manipulate other people's feelings and experiences to match what WE want them to feel...or not feel.

 

Do what you have to do to meet your own needs, desires, growth and goals; and do it with integrity and authenticity.

[ADF]

So a guy has options, it is called having options.

 

A woman has options, it is called "Being a person capable of doing Horrible things".

 

Wrong. Both men and women do horrible things. Anyone, male or female, who does a horrible thing and denies it, says they were merely exercising an option, is a hypocrite.

[Boundary Problem]

Wrong. Both men and women do horrible things. Anyone, male or female, who does a horrible thing and denies it, says they were merely exercising an option, is a hypocrite.

 

 

 

How did we jump to denial?

 

Oh - you are talking about her feelings for the other guy when she is still with her boyfriend, maybe. Ok I'll assume that.

 

Well it makes her human. Not all of us have perfect mental control.

 

Us women - we are emotional. It is part of our charm.

Edited November 17, 2009 by Boundary Problem

[Calendula]

I have been with my bf for a little over two and a half years and yes I love him. However he is 3 years younger than me and we have little to nothing in common. He is the sweetest guy to me but I feel like an old married couple at the age of 26. His idea of fun is home on the computer or playing video games. He has a four year old son (that drives me nuts, I love kids but there are no rules and he is full of tantrums, whenever I try to impose a rule my bf sluffs it off).

 

I am also still in love with my ex-boyfriend from 2004-2006. I made some bad choices that I have always regretted. My ex has a child as well but I adore her, she is kind and polite and he is an excellent father. Since breaking it off we have started to hang out as friends again in the past 4 months (something that my bf is completely aware of, I always let him know where I am). He is still amazing and all the old feelings are still there. He is very willing to be with me again and we have even worked out some old issues.

 

My dilemma is this, how do you completed end it with someone that you live with, has done nothing wrong, loves you and treats you well. I want to hurt him as little as possible, if that is possible. I am unable to bring myself to see the hurt in his eyes, it breaks my heart. But I know its mean and unfair of me to keep going on when I still harbor these feelings for my ex. I am very confused. I want to be with my ex, he is much more mature (30 opposed to 23), has the same goals and enjoys the same things as I do.

 

It sounds to me like your relationship with your current 'boyfriend' has changed into a close friendship ("old married couple") more than a romantic relationship over the time the two of you have been together. That is OK. Remember, people change, and what you want will change with time, this is especially true during your twenties. In addition it sounds to me like your current 'boyfriend' may still have some maturing to do.

 

The way you currently describe your relationship with your current 'boyfriend' it sounds like he wouldn't be all that heartbroken if you were to change the title you two place on your relationship (from bf/gf to best friends or friends), especially if you do it respectfully, without blame throwing, finger pointing, or any emotional games or BS. Be as direct and honest as you know how to be. Just tell him how you feel, tell them both, and see what they say. If they both have your happiness and long term well being in mind, they will both be understanding. They may have their egos hurt, but if they truly care for you, they will hear you out and be supportive of you whatever you decide on.

 

While it sounds like your feelings for your ex are valid based on what you say for why you want to be with your 'ex', MAKE SURE you are not basing ANY of the decision at hand, which man you really want to be with, on the child involved. In other words, don't choose to be with someone solely for the kid's sake, do it for the adult's sake (you and your partner) as that is the relationship you will have to live with.

[Calendula]

OP, you need to ask yourself a serious question: if you didn't have your ex waiting in the wings, would you be as eager to dump your current boyfriend? Or might you make a little more effort to work out your problems with him? Only you know, but I'd bet real money the answers are "no" and "yes," respectively.

 

Dumping someone who is good to you to be with someone else is a rotten, horrible, mean thing to do. Period. There is no way to make it easier on him. You are going to break his heart, and that's that. He will be hurt and furious, and he will have every right to be.

 

You need to accept the fact you are about to do a terrible thing. You need to accept the fact you are a person capable of doing horrible things.

 

I COMPLETELY DISAGREE with everything in the above post. From the OP it doesn't sound like they have problems, just like they have drifted apart and she now wants something different from her life. What is wrong with this? People change. Accept it.

 

From what she describes, it seems more likely that she would break the current boyfriends heart, or at least do more damage, if she were to try and force her current relationship with him to work in spite of her obvious feelings for her current 'ex'. Why should either man be hurt or furious about what she decides if both care enough for her to want her to be happy? What you describe would be the response of a very selfish and possesive man who didn't even try and understand what the woman he cares for wants or needs through effective communication.

 

You are totally out of line with your adjectives: mean, rotten, horrible, terrible. How is anything she is describing anywhere close to any of these things? It sounds like you are taking this post completely out of context of the OP's situation, and applying your own value judgements based on your own negative experiences.

[carhill]

I'd like to hear more about the choices which were regretted and how long the continuing involvement with the ex has been going on whilst living with the BF. Something tells me it's more than a few months. Such revelations would necessarily color the tone of my positive support and advice

 

Sometimes, it's better for one to be alone to get healthy and think clearly. That's a great place to start...

[Jezika]

I'd like to hear more about the choices which were regretted and how long the continuing involvement with the ex has been going on whilst living with the BF. Something tells me it's more than a few months. Such revelations would necessarily color the tone of my positive support and advice

 

Sometimes, it's better for one to be alone to get healthy and think clearly. That's a great place to start...

 

 

When I was with my ex the beginning of 2006 was a horrible year for me; I was a pedestrian hit by a drunk driver and sent to hospital for 7 days. I became depressed and withdrawn and pushed my ex away. He tried very much to be supportive but at that time I could not offer anything to him or myself. I moved out on him and moved home with my mom. Within a month a knew what kind of horrible mistake I had made. I tried and tried to have him forgive me and take me back but I had hurt him one to many times. About 10 months later the marvel of facebook connected me with my current bf, I had gone to highschool with him and we met for coffee. I would not date him in highschool due to the age difference I was 17 and he was 14 but now that we were older (21 & 24) I gave it a shot. Around this same time my ex was willing to give me another chance, but I knew he (my ex) was also seeing another girl. I opted to give my current a shot and allow my ex to be happy with his new gf, thats all I wanted was for him to be happy so I left it alone. We have remained in contact the entire time, texts, facebook ect. but never really met in person. Recently (Sept 2009) the girl who made him happy (or so I thought) cheated on him. I met him in person as he needed someone to talk to. Since then we have met about once a week just to talk. He is still amazing, I miss him and don't know what to do. My current BF should have remained just a friend from highshool, there is nothing in common and no chemistry but I do love him. Maybe that clarifys my mistakes a little more.

 

And I am not

[Jezika]

I'd like to hear more about the choices which were regretted and how long the continuing involvement with the ex has been going on whilst living with the BF. Something tells me it's more than a few months. Such revelations would necessarily color the tone of my positive support and advice

 

Sometimes, it's better for one to be alone to get healthy and think clearly. That's a great place to start...

 

 

When I was with my ex the beginning of 2006 was a horrible year for me; I was a pedestrian hit by a drunk driver and sent to hospital for 7 days. I became depressed and withdrawn and pushed my ex away. He tried very much to be supportive but at that time I could not offer anything to him or myself. I moved out on him and moved home with my mom. Within a month a knew what kind of horrible mistake I had made. I tried and tried to have him forgive me and take me back but I had hurt him one to many times. About 10 months later the marvel of facebook connected me with my current bf, I had gone to highschool with him and we met for coffee. I would not date him in highschool due to the age difference I was 17 and he was 14 but now that we were older (21 & 24) I gave it a shot. Around this same time my ex was willing to give me another chance, but I knew he (my ex) was also seeing another girl. I opted to give my current a shot and allow my ex to be happy with his new gf, thats all I wanted was for him to be happy so I left it alone. We have remained in contact the entire time, texts, facebook ect. but never really met in person. Recently (Sept 2009) the girl who made him happy (or so I thought) cheated on him. I met him in person as he needed someone to talk to. Since then we have met about once a week just to talk. He is still amazing, I miss him and don't know what to do. My current BF should have remained just a friend from highshool, there is nothing in common and no chemistry but I do love him. Maybe that clarifys my mistakes a little more.

 

And I am not a horrible person capable of horrible things - If I was truly horrible I would not care about his feelings, I would cheat on him, toss his feelings aside, pack my bags and move in with my ex. I have done none of those.

[Malenfant]

there is no easy way to leave someone. telling a person you care about that you dont want to be with them is high up on the list of awful things that you'll ever have to do.

 

speaking from experience, i knew what i had to do. waiting for the right time wont come, so you have to take a deep breath, and just come out with it.

 

once its said, it is awful, but a huge weight is lifted.

warning though, usually the other person will make some attempt to get you to change your mind. once you've said it, you have to stick to your decision.

if you give in, they then think everything is fine and you'll have to do the whole thing over again at some point in the future which isnt fair on the other person and just means you'll spend even more time worrying.

 

it sounds like you fell into a relationship with your current BF almost out of convenience. lots of people have done this at some point in their lives, its easy, so you go with the flow, before you know it you're a couple.

 

dont beat yourself up about the past. do what you need to do, time is way too precious to be spent unhappy and worrying.

good luck