I love you, hold on it's my girlfriend calling!!!

[lookin2wardthefuture]

Hi y'all! I've been lurking around reading some of the different threads, and I finally decided to join. My heart goes out to each and everyone here. We all have somthing in common somewhere.

I found out in Sept that my STBXH had been cheating on me over several years with hookers. Our marriage has been tough at best and we've been to counseling more than once. I believe him to have borderline personality disorder after much reading and research. He is an extremely hard person to get along and live with. I've tried to hold things together for years, but this is the straw that breaks this camels back.

He has made it clear that I'm the one who wants this divorce, he does'nt. He would do ANYTHING( except give me a separation) to win back my love. Meanwhile, he's dating 3 different women:rolleyes:, so he can get laid! Has anyone else witnessed this? While he's talking on the phone to one he's texting another! Beware ladies who are going through divorce THIS is whats out there.

As sad as all of this has been I can't imagine dating right now. We're not divorced yet and we're living in the same house still. That would be like jumping out of the frying pan into the fire in my opinon. I want to find a new place to live, go back to school and make a stable home for my kids. The thing that bothers me the most is he's telling our children about these other women:mad:. I think he's nucking futs, and I'm sooo glad that I made the decision to move on. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

[tojaz]

Sounds to me that he has a compete lack of respect! Not just for you, but for your marriage, your family, and to be honest, for women in general. The fact that he could claim to love you and want to save your marriage while parading his floozies around you and your kids is a disgrace and just proves he has no idea what marriage is to begin with. Don't think I've ever said this before, being marriage fan boy and all, but Please Divorce this man before your children learn any "life lessons" from him.

 

Welcome to LS, keep posting.

TOJAZ

[lookin2wardthefuture]

Well hello there Tojaz! I've read many of your responses to other posters. You know you're dead on the money with this one! I've never even thought about it that way. I've certainly felt the lack of respect (especially after finding out about the prostitutes) many times during our marriage, but I had'nt put it into this equation. I think it's because in my mind I've already left, even though we're still living in the same house. If everything works out I'll be divorced Dec !0. Lord willin and the creek don't rise. Thanks a bunch Tojaz!

[confused71]

Sounds to me that he has a compete lack of respect! Not just for you, but for your marriage, your family, and to be honest, for women in general. The fact that he could claim to love you and want to save your marriage while parading his floozies around you and your kids is a disgrace and just proves he has no idea what marriage is to begin with. Don't think I've ever said this before, being marriage fan boy and all, but Please Divorce this man before your children learn any "life lessons" from him.

 

 

I have to agree with Tojaz.Your STBX doesnt sound all there to me.No respect whatsoever for you and the kids.

Get rid of him quick !

[tojaz]

Well hello there Tojaz! I've read many of your responses to other posters. You know you're dead on the money with this one! I've never even thought about it that way. I've certainly felt the lack of respect (especially after finding out about the prostitutes) many times during our marriage, but I had'nt put it into this equation. I think it's because in my mind I've already left, even though we're still living in the same house. If everything works out I'll be divorced Dec !0. Lord willin and the creek don't rise. Thanks a bunch Tojaz!

 

Good for you L2WF. You hear it a lot in relationship books etc. but I think he definitely qualifies as a "TOXIC" person. Unfortunately many people fail to see that most of the time, but your eyes are wide open and doing what needs to be done. Keep us posted.

TOJAZ

[jaymack]

Get out of there, the faster the better for you and the kids!

[lookin2wardthefuture]

Well he did'nt come home at all last night or this morning, but had the nerve to text my youngest to say he's thinking about him:eek:! This is'nt the first time since I've filed. He even brought some leftovers from th GF's house and sat them in our fridge! He's pathetic and I can't wait to move on with my life. Thanks everyone for the encouraging words:)

[dazedandconfused2008]

OMG...this almost sounds like my ex...except he still tries to hide everything from me. I wouldnt know what is worse...having it thrown in your face or being lied to. Same outcome...unbearable pain caused by their actions.

 

Your husband could very well have borderline personality disorder to some degree. I believe the same in my ex. It also sounds like he has sex addiction and love addiction which can also result out of the same root problem....low self worth. Bottom line is that there is nothing you can do for him. HE has to WANT to change and get help for himself. In order for him to do that you have to allow him to hit his rock bottom...and he needs to hit it hard. By what you said...you have always been there for him and kept it all together. Why would he want to change? There have been no consequences to his actions when it comes to you. He has pushed whatever values that made up your boundaries waaaaaaaay back until you have none at all. Hence is why he knows he can do whatever he wants and push it and push it some more. He is in a very damaging...very deep cycle of destruction. A cycle where only HE can get out and no one else can do it for him. He might get out when he sees that he has LOST everything that meant anything to him...or he might not...but either way...you have to save YOU...and your KIDS. That is the only thing you have control of. You need to stop living with this man. You are going to leave you need to COMMIT to leaving.

 

For myself...i left but tried to keep him in my life. I still tried helping him...i still tried helping to build a relationship for him and my kids. It doesnt work until HE is going to do his part. I made the choice to go nc. Im in that process as we speak...its been hard but from im hearing he is starting to feel it now....what is the outcome? who's to say? Thats up to him to change and get help. I hope he does so he can have a great relationship with our kids. As for me...ive grown and changed so much...even if i wanted to go back now i know i wouldnt. Its just one day at a time...You are making the best choice in your decision and there will be people to back that up.

[2sure]

Tell him he can do whatever wants & you will not interfere but that the children are being damaged by his telling them about OW especially while you are still living together. ...and that is where you draw the line.

 

You MUST draw that line. Since he is being such an abusive parent, YOU have to show your children that his behavior is unacceptable in a marriage. Think of your daughter's and son's future relationships.

[lookin2wardthefuture]

Yes D&C he has NEVER had to suffer any severe longterm consequences and I believe it to be a huge part of all of his character flaws. He's the yougest of 5 childern and the only male, so he was always catered to like some sort of king. His beliefs about love and how someone should love him(meaning turning a blind eye to his bad behaviors) are screwed up beyond comprehension.

Since I've filed for divorce he's taken numerous personal belongings of mine. I have to make sure my keys and cell phone are always with me. Last month he took my computer right out from under me while he thought I was sleeping, and took it into his study. I came right after him and calmly repeated the same sentence over and over again. "Give me back my computer", he denied taking it and I told him I saw him. He blocked the doors to his study and said "what are you going to do, push past me"? Thank God it was 5am and I was coming out of a deep sleep, because my good sense prevailed instead of my anger. He's a big guy anyway, but if I had tried to go around him I'm certain he would have sworn I'd hit or shoved him (he did this with my oldest son) and called the police. I turned around and walked away, and he took the computer out to his car and locked it up. When it mysteriously showed back up, after a call to my lawyer, I found spyware on it. He made a print out of every single website I'd visited! Waste of time for him. I think he was hoping I was doing the same low down crap he'd been doing on the computer. I hope he enjoyed looking at school, weather, camping, shopping, and travel sites:rolleyes:.

I'm sorry to hear of your situation D&C. Living with someone like this is so stiffiling. I've thought so many times there's never any room for me to just have a bad day here or there, he takes them all. Even though we're still in the same house, the fact that I don't have to deal with him nearly as much has been like an awakening in me. I really realize how much he sucked me dry. He's definately an emotional vampire. hang in there girl!!!

[Boundary Problem]

I could talk about his sex addiction, but let's face it the sooner it is out of your life, the better. So.....

 

Going through a divorce with a person who has a dysfunctional personality is going to be tough.

 

Someone I know has spent over $200K on legal bills to fight for custody of his children from his nutjob wife. It isn't even clear that he's going to win at trial. Litigation has been going on for well over 2 years.

 

Sometimes the better route is to settle with awful deal/settlement agreement, but what you can live with, get independence and then make it so easy for him to just leave the kids with you (assuming he is somewhat on the lazy side and too busy with all his women - particularly if he has a sex addiction).

 

What I'm saying is that when you are divorcing a nutjob, often you can get more flies with honey.

 

Before it flares up too much more (eg spyware on your computer, calls to the cops for bs reasons), consider what kind of settlement you could get now and then start rebuilding foundations of separated homes.

 

Basically you need him out from under your roof (sooner the better) and that usually means sorting out the money stuff.

 

I don't want to generalize but consider this, if it can't settle quickly(ish) it might go all the way to trial. Often with these people there is no middle ground. No "let's make a deal" particularly once they merge their ego with their nutjob legal theory (they won't listen to reasonable legal advice either - so their lawyer is basically their PO Box). They are basically uncontrollable as clients and it isn't unusual for them to be on their 5th lawyer at trial.

 

All I'm saying is - head up - you are in deep water.

 

You sound more than capable and very strong, and just because you have a lawyer doesn't mean you can't think through some of this strategy on your own. Lawyers have law degrees. They do not have psychology degrees. You know your husband best. Utilize that information as you try to come to a resolution with him. Use his weaknesses (whatever they are) against him.

 

Think military strategy. The only thing he has going for him is that he is stubborn and he is blocking your future. You hold all the other cards.

Edited November 17, 2009 by Boundary Problem

[seraphim mom]

get out of this m as quick as you can, it iss what's best for you and your childern, get a lawyer a.s.a.p, be alert, since he has already gone to the level of spying on you, you never know he might spin something to make you look bad since it seems like he is nuts, write evrything crazy that he does down, get concrete proof, statements from friends, if you have access to his text, phone calls, email, use it against the turd....also do not get complacent since he might call the cops on you for some made up b.s again to make you look bad....I have seen it happen, if he is a nut which I think he is he is gonna do some crazy chit..sorry if I'm rambling, keep your head up, and stick around fam and true friends they will be the ones who will help you thru this....good luck

[Gunny376]

To the OP we've got a term in the military for guys such as your DH (and I use the term very loosely.

 

Section 8!

 

Yep he's off the farm for sure and certain. Geez! Life is going to be really tough for him when he gets out in the "Real" world and doesn't have you around picking up the pieces for him.

 

Mr Reality is one Hell of a mean SOB, and he's just waiting for this guy to turn the corner into the alley on the side of courthouse with a Louisville Slugger.

 

He's out there 'scroggin' all these different women. You would be doing them a favor if you could give an anonymous phone call / note and let them know.

 

I just saw on Oprah (No I'm not a regular ~ I was just channel surfing and this particular program caught my eye) in which one guy was "dating around" and gave sixteen different women (two-thirds who had children) AIDS.

 

STD's ain't no joke! There's over 1000 of them, some are life threatening.

 

Some are anti-bacterial/viral resistant or resilient. "Yea! Come on up here pinacillian! We've got something for your @zz!"

 

Treating you like crap is one thing? After all your a woman, but abusing the children is another. You might want to have the FIL and / or MIL sit down with him and explain the importance of being persistent and consistent with children.

 

If they can't get through to him? You might want to have your attorney send him a "C&D" order signed by a judge, outlining what his so-called "rights" are.

 

If he violates it? The he can have a for sure real Friday night date with some 6'5, 300 pound guy named Bubba in the county jail!

[Gunny376]

Please tell me that you've had yourself (and your children) tested for any all STD's and other diseases from A to Z?

 

I'm single, (married only once) and these days?

 

I believe in threesomes when it comes to sex!

 

Me, her and a MD!

 

I mention have the children, because although in all probability there wasn't any molestation going on? There are other diseases that you have to worry about being transmitted just by close association of living in the same house. Such as TB which after having been so-called "beaten' has developed into a different strain, (just like the flu virus)

 

On second thought, given his so-called "high sex drive" (aka sexual addiction) you might want to look into see if the children have been violated?

 

I'm not trying to cause you un-due concern?

[lookin2wardthefuture]

Thanks for all of the great imput. BP I've tried very hard to take the high road and not get too wound up by the things he says and does for the very reasons you've mentioned. Sometimes though, I just can't help myself;). I've not said one word about the regular dates or all nighters. I'm not afraid to confront him, I just refuse to let him think for one hot red second his running around bothers me. I'm completely done with him. It does bother me that the kids are witnessing this behavior from their father. I had a long talk with them tonight about this very thing. I think at this point , with all of the drama he's put us through (trust me I have'nt scratched the surface on what I've posted so far) it's far more to improtant to communicate how wrong all of this is with them rather than him. They're saveable, and they'll come out of this okay because that's my mission for them, but he is not saveable. I've been trying to save him from himself for 20 years and as everyone on here knows that dog just won't hunt.

He is definately on the lazy side, and I know he's not going to do a whole lot with the kids. My daughter is only going to spend every other weekend with him, but my son who's younger wants to split 50/50. We'll see how long that lasts.

Luckily, weve already got rough drafts of seperation agreement, shared custody, and we've agreed and split up the household items. I even won the coin toss over the flat screen tv:). My lawyer sent the cs/ss proposal last week so I have'nt heard back on that yet. If everything goes right I could be divorced Dec. 10 so I'm praying alot and keeping my fingers crossed.

[lookin2wardthefuture]

To the OP we've got a term in the military for guys such as your DH (and I use the term very loosely.

 

Section 8!

 

Yep he's off the farm for sure and certain. Geez! Life is going to be really tough for him when he gets out in the "Real" world and doesn't have you around picking up the pieces for him.

 

Mr Reality is one Hell of a mean SOB, and he's just waiting for this guy to turn the corner into the alley on the side of courthouse with a Louisville Slugger.

 

He's out there 'scroggin' all these different women. You would be doing them a favor if you could give an anonymous phone call / note and let them know.

 

I just saw on Oprah (No I'm not a regular ~ I was just channel surfing and this particular program caught my eye) in which one guy was "dating around" and gave sixteen different women (two-thirds who had children) AIDS.

 

STD's ain't no joke! There's over 1000 of them, some are life threatening.

 

Some are anti-bacterial/viral resistant or resilient. "Yea! Come on up here pinacillian! We've got something for your @zz!"

 

Treating you like crap is one thing? After all your a woman, but abusing the children is another. You might want to have the FIL and / or MIL sit down with him and explain the importance of being persistent and consistent with children.

 

If they can't get through to him? You might want to have your attorney send him a "C&D" order signed by a judge, outlining what his so-called "rights" are.

 

If he violates it? The he can have a for sure real Friday night date with some 6'5, 300 pound guy named Bubba in the county jail!

 

You're seriously cracking me up! I think section 8 can be my new nickname for him. It's much more subtle than my other chosen one, which I won't post here:D. Yes, i've been tested and I'm not worried about the kids, he is a creep but my kids have very big mouths. Thanks Gunny

[Gunny376]

Rubbing a little sunshine on your face and bringing a smile to your face?

 

Was my intent!

 

Now put "Blondie's ~ "Call Me!

 

On the CD player!

 

Get motivated about your Life!

 

Now is the time to get motivated and excited about your Life!

 

The time for getting busy living your life is right here and now!

 

The time to get excited about yourself and your life?

 

Is right here and now!

 

The time to get busy living your life?

 

Is right here and right now!

 

Get busy living or get your @zz busy dying!

 

Don't waste the best years of your life!

 

The best years of your life?

 

Are right here and right now!

 

Get your Happy @zz busy!

 

Living your life!

 

To its fullest and to its top!

Edited November 17, 2009 by Gunny376

[Boundary Problem]

OK - you are in much better shape than I feared. I'm glad there is a draft proposal making the rounds.

 

Keep the pressure on. If it goes sideways book some expensive mediator and insist he come up with 1/2 the cost of mediation to book the date.

 

(That way he caves in and just signs the draft agreements that you are suggesting).

 

Once he gets wind how desperate you want him out, they dig in.

 

Keep the pressure on. Lawyers like to take Xmas off, so make sure you don't get put to the bottom of their pile.

 

If you could have Xmas to yourself and the kid(s) it would be a HUGE milestone for you.

[1Angel]

Wow, good for you. This story rings true you aren't the only one.