aurastate Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Ok here it is... I have been dating a woman for about 4 months now. Our relationship was going fine and then I was diagnosed with lymphatic cancer 2 weeks ago. We started to bicker and argue a little bit over minor things and then last thursday night came.... I woke up at 5am with severe stomach cramps and told her I was freaked out and going to the emergency room....She got out of bed with me (didnt offer to come) gave me a hug and said she hopes they can help me......I felt it was an insensitive thing to say and said back to her "" You dont Y$&%& care do you?"" I left and went to the ER alone. After I was done, I went back to her place and rang on the door bell..no answer..I thought she might have been sleeping so I tried tapping on her window....texted some more and still no answer... I then texted her throughout the day and called numerous times only to be ignored. Then on fri night, she sent me a break-up text..I tried calling her right after and texted a couple times but still no answer.. The next day I sent her some flowers and wrote a note appologizing for how I talked to her and that when she wants to talk, I am here...I didnt get a response back....Checked her facebook and she still has me as a "friend" I have been completely aside myself with the fact she broke up with me over a text, especially after the short time frame I was diagnosed with cancer. We had minor agruments before and always worked through them and resolved them. She told me she was an ally in my fight but now I am completely confused. Do I give her a couple days and then ask to talk in person? What should I do? Any help is appreciated..
Ronni_W Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 (edited) aurastate, I am sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I hope that the cancer is in early stages, and the prognosis is excellent. Unfortunately, some people are just not 'built' to be able to support through a serious / life-threatening illness. We could guess that they probably beat-up on themselves pretty good for their inability -- certainly they must know that they are bailing at the exact time that their presence would be most welcomed and appreciated. I could make a case for trying to work through and forgive that part, on the basis of their own weakness, fear, etc. But. Are you sure you're even interested in trying to find a way to resolve and forgive someone who is so insensitive --and cowardly -- as to do a text break-up? I mean, even without your health condition...a text break-up just really sucks! And given that you will be dealing with some serious challenges, treatments, emotions, side-effects, etc. -- would you be able to trust this woman to be a positive, encouraging, uplifting force in your life? Or is there more potential that she will be detrimental to your physical health...as well as emotional? Short and long-term. As you say, the timing could not have been much worse. But it is also good for you to know where are the gaps in your support team, and fill those with people on whom you can really count. I'm sorry that you've had to experience the double-whammy. I think that I probably can't even imagine it. Sending hugs, and very best wishes for a positive outcome. Edited November 16, 2009 by Ronni_W
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 I got dumped just before starting chemo a couple of years ago. The guy simply bailed. You know why? He couldn't handle it. He wasn't into the relationship enough to want to have to handle that. It sounds like this girl is the same way. She likely just has no idea how to handle it, and is backing out before it gets really bad. With what you are getting ready to go through, "friends" like her are the last sort you will want or need by your side.
Author aurastate Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 Thanks for the replys.. I feel though that I want an explanation, it seems like there isnt any closure, she has some of my things and I of hers..... I havent tried texting or calling since friday night, other than when I sent the flowers, but I still didnt contact.. Should I contact her or let her come to me?
mark982 Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 you can wait around for a explanation,but it will be a lie. she doesn't have the guts to tell you why she bailed. i truely wish you nothing but the best,and don't waste your time contacting her.
Ronni_W Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 aurastate, She is unable to support you as you need and want. Her actions clearly demonstrated that when she sent you off to emerg by yourself, and wasn't even around upon your return. That IS your explanation and closure, unfortunately. To try to "force" such a confession out of her, which you likely will not be able to do -- what is the point, and how will it make you feel better to have tried to force it? As mark says, whatever she does tell you -- if she decides to tell you anything at all -- you'll be left questioning that, anyway. Should I contact her or let her come to me? If it is to arrange for the exchange of the personal items in each other's possession, then contact her. But I would just stick to that; treat it more like a business interaction/transaction. LB knows better than most. She said: "friends" like her are the last sort you will want or need by your side. I am sorry that your relationship did not work out. Hugs.
xxDayamGirlxx Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 this girl cant deal with the stress. maybe just say u'll give her her space then text her in a week suggesting a coffee. play it cool when u see her n dont talk about ur disease. its very insensitive wat shes done but also some ppl get scared of getting too attached when someone has such a serious disease. sickness scares ppl ! i know im sick too ... all the best
Author aurastate Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 So I called her texted her lastnight and called her tonight to respectfully ask for my things back.....no answer... A mutual friend just called me and said she has my things in her truck..... whats with that? why keep my things in your truck and not bothering letting me know where and when I can pick them up! Are feelings still attached?? She also has pics of her and I on facebook 5 days after she dumped me with the text...I dont understand why?
Thornton Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 She only just started dating you, so it's a lot to ask her to support you through cancer. I can understand her breaking up with you, but I think she could have done it in a nicer way - breaking up via text message is never acceptable, it's terribly disrespectful and uncaring. I can only imagine that she felt so ashamed of herself for dumping you when you have cancer that she couldn't actually face you in order to do the breaking up. I'd give her a few days to come to terms with the whole thing and then try to contact her with no pressure, but be prepared for the fact that she probably won't want to get back together. Maybe she just freaked and will come around, but it's more likely that in the short time frame you've been dating she just hasn't become involved enough to want to support you through something so difficult, and she genuinely wants out. I think you may have to give this one up as a lost cause and just focus all your energy on getting better.
Els Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 I'm so sorry about what you're going through. There's no excuse for this kind of behaviour. EVEN if she wasn't sure if she could support you through this, there's no excuse for not accompanying you to the ER when you had severe stomach cramps. I would have done that for an acquaintance, let alone a friend, bf, or potential love interest. I'd highly recommend you thank your lucky stars for dodging a bullet, and start focusing on YOU. You'll get better if you put your mind and heart to it, and then you can find someone far more worthy of your love.
Ronni_W Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 whats with that? why keep my things in your truck and not bothering letting me know where and when I can pick them up! Are feelings still attached?? Yes...GUILT feelings, one could guess. Including for why she's been unable to contact you about your stuff or take down those Facebook pics. Guilt. Especially if she is otherwise a 'mensch', she's just not feeling that great about herself. aurastate, if you are looking for clues that she's still interested in you...I'd recommend against it. There's NOTHING she's done RECENTLY to indicate that. Does not matter what she told you in the first 3.5 months of your dating. I'm sorry.
harmfulsweetz Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 I hope you get better Hugs. I think she bailed because she got scared, and didn't want to face it. She didn't want to support you through it. Do you want to hang on to someone who won't support you for one of the most trying things of your life? What else won't she stick around to support you for? As Thornton said, it was only 4 months, and many people would bail in this situation but that doesn't make it right. She should have had the balls to (I know, she's a girl she don't actually have balls!) do it face to face, with your stuff in hand, and she should have went to the ER with you, that right there is a major red flag. She couldn't even summon the courage to go to the hospital with you when you needed it? I went to the hospital when my bf's gran passed away, I never met her, but I tried to be there for the family. That's what you do. You are there, unless literally, you have to work and it's a minor thing such as sprained ankle. Good luck, pop down her place for the things or maybe you could get mutual friend to pass them to you? In the end, materials are materials, and you are long shot of her.
cheergirl Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Are you sure she's breaking up with you because just because of the diagnosis? Perhaps she's just not been happy with the way the relatonship was going; the arguing etc... Better now, than later... Don't waste time and energy blaming her, every relationship takes two to tango..... Move on and get support from others. Stop analyzing and having expectations from someone that you only dated for 4 months and who's clearly moved on ... Good luck...
jerseyboy Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Damn bro, sincerely sorry for your troubles. In fariness to her look at it from her perspective. You guys have only been dating a few months. Now this comes along, something that frankly will at best involve someone who will need a lot of support, help and understanding for a long time to come. But how do you tell that person you want to be a selfish bitch and move on because you dont want to put your life on hold and become a caretaker (metaphor) to someone very ill. It sucks bro, but it isnt a misunderstanding, or miscommunication, or about what you said to her that morning. Its just easier for her to ignore you hoping youll just go away, then have to admit it to you out loud and hear what an awful person she is to do this to you
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